


the long way round

by baeconandeggs, kawnashi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of religion, Mutual Pining, Romance, Slice of Life, mentions of minor character death, slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:21:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 90,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24395683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawnashi/pseuds/kawnashi
Summary: Chanyeol didn't understand it back then, the feeling of falling in love. After all, he was only sixteen.It takes him a good couple of years to realize that maybe, if he tries hard enough, things will eventually fall into place.And it takes him even longer to realize that sometimes, it takes one long, grueling journey to finally end up where he's supposed to be.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 240
Kudos: 700
Collections: BAE2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt:** BAE309  
>  **Disclaimer: baeconandeggs/the mods is/are not the author/s of this story. Authors will be credited and tagged after reveals.** The celebrities' names/images are merely borrowed and do not represent who the celebrities are in real life. No offense is intended towards them, their families or friends. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this fictional work. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> **Author's Note:** Hi hi! If you're reading this then I want to thank you for even taking the time to click on this fic and hopefully you'll enjoy the story I've written for you. This fic is heavily inspired by the song Easily by Bruno Major, and the movie Love, Rosie. I'm not gonna lie, this one was hard to write because it's painful lol.
> 
> I wanna thank my absolute angel of a beta, D! Without her I really would've never been able to complete this haha. Thank you for being so patient and understanding with me, I've wanted to scrap this so many times but you really helped me through everything. I of course wanna thank the mods for giving me the time needed to complete this and hosting such an amazing fic exchange that we all can turn to during this trying time. And my dear prompter, I'm not sure if this is what you had in mind but I hope that it's at least a tiny bit to your liking haha. 
> 
> So yeah, this fic is definitely not perfect but I do hope you'll have a fun time reading it :)
> 
> post-reveals edit: after some feedback from close friends i've altered/re-written some scenes, so if you're re-reading and noticed some changes, then this is the reason why :) also I HIGHLY suggest listening to Lifetime by Ben&Ben and also Love Again by Baekhyun while reading this!

_Take a deep breath, and start from the beginning._

  
Chanyeol thinks about him from time to time, but mostly on his birthday.

On November 27th, Chanyeol receives a text from him.

A short text, made up of two short sentences. Sent to him only a few minutes before midnight.

_[11.54pm] happy birthday. i’m sorry._

A chuckle leaves his lips. Nothing is particularly funny. If anything, Chanyeol feels like he might just burst into tears right then and there. Well, he guesses there is some sad humor to it; almost brought to tears by two sentences said by a boy he used to know.

He tried, no, he’s trying to lock every memory he’s ever had with him in a box and move on with his life. It makes Chanyeol feel pathetic, sitting here in his car, in the dark, on his birthday staring at a text from a person who’s probably moved on long ago. He doesn’t like thinking about him.

_Tell them how he crashed into your life._

When Chanyeol thinks of Byun Baekhyun, a lot of things come to mind. Sometimes it’s about how he came crashing into Chanyeol’s life (literally), with a smile brighter than the sun, offering his hand. And sometimes, it’s about how maybe it would have been better if they had never met. It would have saved so many people from heartbreak. Mostly, he thinks about the moments he had locked away but keeps so close to his heart. But despite his best efforts to push thoughts of Byun Baekhyun away from his mind and heart, he still wonders if they’ll meet again like they did when they were kids--if he’ll ever crash into him like he did so many years ago. Despite all that they went through, Chanyeol still secretly longs for the day they’ll meet again.

_Tell them about how you fell._

  
His parents always did say he was a clumsy child, always tripping over his own feet. Probably because his limbs were too long for his own good. So, so clumsy that Chanyeol falls for Baekhyun so quickly that he didn’t even realize it.

_And how you had no way of getting back up._

==

Like a fish out of water, Chanyeol never felt that he really belonged. Even at nine years old, there was always something off about him. At first he thought it was his ears, because of the way the other kids teased him for his weirdly shaped ears. It bothered him at times, but his sister always said that they were cute, so he got over it pretty quickly.

If not for his ears then he thought it must have been his weight, he was a little bit chubbier than most kids his age. Or maybe it was his height, he’s too short for his liking. He’s shorter than most girls his age but his mom told him that eventually he’ll outgrow even his sister. Yeah right, he has a hard time believing this especially when Yoora is practically a skyscraper compared to him.

Or maybe it was his interests. Unlike boys his age, Chanyeol isn’t exactly interested in blowing stuff up for fun, instead he likes animals (much to his mother’s dismay). He loved other living beings, plus his dad told him that he must love all God’s creations, animals and plants included. Although, his mom and sister weren’t too happy when he brought home a rat that he found trapped and injured in one of those mouse traps set up at his school.

But they both made up for their mean outbursts by letting Chanyeol get a pet ferret. However, these days he’s been a bit obsessed with birds. It must be nice to be able to fly away so close to the sun. Chanyeol wants to go to the sun, he likes the warmth that the sun brings, especially after a really long and cold winter’s day. He begged his mom to let him get a bird but she’s been saying no for the past two months. So to cope, Chanyeol spends his Saturday afternoons at a park near his house to watch birds, or chase after them. It depends on how hot it was that day and how much energy he has.

These small birds always fly away before he could get too close but today he’s determined to catch one. He tiptoes and just before he could grab the bird he’d been eyeing for the past half an hour, something--someone crashed into him and knocked him to the ground.

"I'm sorry! I didn't see you there." He hears. Chanyeol looks up and he has to squint his eyes a bit due to the blinding sunlight. He sees the silhouette of a boy, probably around his age, offering a hand.

"It's okay." Chanyeol says, albeit with a pout and takes the boy’s hand. At least he’s nice enough to help him stand up, even though he just ruined Chanyeol’s entire afternoon.

"I was walking backwards. My bad." The boy smiles sheepishly at him and Chanyeol shyly smiles back. He half expected the boy to go back to...whatever he was doing but the latter stood there, the smile not leaving his face. "I'm Byun Baekhyun, what's your name?"

The boy--Baekhyun is slightly taller than him and slightly less chubby, Chanyeol wonders if he should call him hyung, just to be safe. After all his parents did say it was impolite to address older kids just by their first names.

"C-chanyeol."

"Your name's weird."

"Uh.” It’s not exactly the first time he’s heard someone calling his name weird, his mom did mention his name isn’t exactly common. But in his defense, this is the first time he’s met someone with the family name Byun, so this Baekhyun isn’t one to talk.

"Weird in a good way." Baekhyun quickly says.

"Oh." Chanyeol really doesn’t know how to respond.

"So how old are you?" Baekhyun asks, after Chanyeol fails to respond to the unexpected compliment.

"Nine."

"Awesome, me too! I just moved here last week, we should become friends!" The other boy says in one breath, probably out of excitement? He then grabs Chanyeol’s hand and jumps up and down. Okay, so he’s definitely excited. It’s weird, no one’s ever been excited to become friends with him before.

"Okay," is all Chanyeol managed to say. Slightly overwhelmed with all this excitement over nothing. Making friends with other kids was something that Chanyeol had always struggled with, so having someone like Baekhyun who offers him friendship immediately, kinda overwhelms him. He surprises Chanyeol even more when he offers to catch a bird together, since he scared one away before bombarding Chanyeol with questions about the animals he liked. Which he happily answered.

“You know, you’re not as quiet as I thought you were.” Baekhyun says, cutting Chanyeol off. He was in the middle of describing the horrifying way his family found out how he has allergies whenever he’s near animal fur, but Chanyeol knew Baekhyun meant that in a good way. The same way he meant his name was weird, but in a good way. So he grins, and laughs.

By sundown, Chanyeol decides that he likes being friends with Baekhyun and he dreads having to go home. But then he learns that Baekhyun lives just down the street and suddenly he doesn't feel too sad.

“I’ll see you in school?” Baekhyun says, standing up. They are both exhausted after chasing around birds all afternoon.

He raises an eyebrow. “We go to the same school?” How did Baekhyun know which school he goes to?

“I dunno. But I think we do, guess we’ll find out on Monday!” Baekhyun waves at him and runs off.

Once he got home, his mother asked him if he had successfully caught a bird. He didn’t, but he did manage to find a friend instead. And he thinks that a friend is way more awesome than a bird. Especially when this one makes him feel like he didn’t need to be a bird with wings to be so close to the sun. Baekhyun is already bright enough for him.

On Monday, Chanyeol learns that Baekhyun was right; they did go to the same school. He grins when he sees his new friend being introduced to the class by their teacher. Baekhyun waves at him while making his way to his assigned seat.

==

Ever since he's met Baekhyun, Chanyeol no longer dreads going to school. If anything he likes going to school because he gets to spend time with his new best friend. Just when Chanyeol thought it couldn’t get any better, he learns that their family now attend the same church. So that means he’ll get to spend even more time with Baekhyun.

His mother absolutely loves Baekhyun, says that he’s a ray of sunshine, always so polite and funny. Even his sister Yoora laughs at almost everything Baekhyun does. So it isn't long until Baekhyun starts coming to his house to play for almost every day of the week.

“It’s that a playstation 2? That’s so cool!” Baekhyun says when he first enters Chanyeol’s living room.

“Yeah dad got it for me last Christmas.” Chanyeol shrugs. “I usually play in my room but Noona’s been playing a lot of DDR lately.” He’s slightly annoyed with how his sister refuses to let him play for hours during the weekend. Always saying that she’ll play one more song but ends up hounding the console until it was dinner time.

“I wish I had one.” Baekhyun says, holding up the controller and looking at it like it’s the most fascinating thing in the world.

“Why not ask your mom for one?” Chanyeol suggests.

“I don’t think she’ll say yes.” Baekhyun says quietly.

“No way, auntie is really nice! I’m sure she’ll come around. Right mom?” He says, to his mom who’s currently observing them from the couch.

His mother stays silent for a bit before standing up. “Chanyeol honey, can you help me in the kitchen for a bit.”

Chanyeol frowns but follows his mom to the kitchen nonetheless. “What’s wrong mom?”

“I think it’s sweet that you want Baekhyun to have the same toys, but some parents can’t afford everything that you have.” She says softly.

Chanyeol frowns. “But dad always buys us cool stuff whenever we get good grades, I’m sure Baekhyun can convince his mom.”

“Our family is very lucky, sweetheart. God has blessed your dad with a wonderful job that lets him buy you and your sister a lot of things, but it’s not always the same for other people.” His mother explains, patting his head softly.

Well that’s really unfair. Baekhyun’s mom is just as hard working as his dad, she should be able to buy the same stuff as they do.

“So, can we buy Baekhyun a playstation then?” Chanyeol says, but his mother just laughs and kisses the crown of his head, then mumbling something about how sweet Chanyeol is.

Chanyeol soon understands that working at the diner didn’t make as much money as working in a big company did. But Chanyeol didn’t mind that, he thinks it’s awesome that even with much less money, Baekhyun’s mom was still able to put food on the table for her family.

“Let’s go to your house tonight.” Chanyeol says, while he packs up his stuff from his desk.

Baekhyun pauses for a bit before he declines. “My house is boring, there’s nothing there.”

“Yeah but I still wanna see it. Come on, you never let me go to your house. But you’ve been to mine like a hundred times.” Chanyeol pushes.

“No.”

“Baek, come on. I wanna see your room! You know I don’t care if there’s nothing there.”

“It’s embarrassing.” Baekhyun says, walking out of the classroom.

Chanyeol runs after him, confused. “What’s embarrassing?”

Baekhyun pauses then he turns to look at Chanyeol. “Okay, but first can I ask you something?”

“What is it?”

Baekhyun looks away from him, and takes a deep breath. “How come you’ve never asked me where my dad is?”

Chanyeol frowns in confusion. He had asked his parents about the absence of Baekhyun’s father, but they said that he’s too young to understand. That and a long talk about how some kids don’t have two parents, and how that doesn’t make them any different from those who do. “Because mom says it’s not polite?”

Baekhyun looks back at him before a small smile forms in his face. “I always get embarrassed whenever people ask me about my dad. My mom used to say that he’s away for a super secret and super important mission from work. So we don’t know when he’ll come back. But people just usually make fun of me for it.” Baekhyun sighs. “Baekbeom got made fun of once, when he brought his middle school friends home and they realized we didn’t have a dad.”

Chanyeol frowns at the thought of Baekhyun's family being ridiculed over something they had no choice over. Kids are really cruel sometimes.

“That’s what you’re embarrassed about? You know I won’t care.” Chanyeol slings his arm around Baekhyun’s shoulder. “I think your family’s just as awesome as mine.”

“Yeah our families are pretty cool, aren't they? My brother is cooler than your sister though.” Baekhyun grins and Chanyeol laughs with him. As much as he loves Yoora, he really can’t argue with that one. Byun Baekbeom might just be the coolest person Chanyeol's ever met. Not only is he the captain of the soccer team, but he’s super smart too.

Afterwards, Chanyeol would come over to Baekhyun’s house just as much as the latter came to his house. Personally, Chanyeol loves going to Baekhyun’s house because he gets to play boardgames with Baekhyun’s mom and brother. Baekhyun’s mom is a fantastic cook too, so Chanyeol always goes home with a smile and a full stomach.

Another thing about Baekhyun’s brother is that he’s really tall. Much taller than Baekhyun. When Chanyeol asked him how to become taller, he just ruffled his hair laughing. "Don't worry kiddo. You'll grow eventually."

And he does.

At fourteen Chanyeol is pleased that he's finally the same height as Baekhyun, he’s also lost most of his baby fat not long after he hit puberty. Also at fourteen, the year that they enter the dreaded ninth grade, is the first time that he and Baekhyun were assigned in different classes. Probably because the teachers realized that the two of them were too much of a ruckus to be placed in one class.

What’s worse than not being in the same class as his best friend is how well Baekhyun was getting along with the new transfer student in his class called Kim Jongdae or something. Chanyeol doesn’t really care. Everytime they hang out it’s always Jongdae this, Jongdae that.

“Okay, what’s with the pout?” Baekhyun asks him, while they were browsing through flowers from a nearby florist near their school.

“Nothing.”

“You’re shit at lying, just spill it Yeol.”

“I told you it’s nothing.”

“This is about Jongdae isn’t it? You always make that face whenever we talk about him.” Baekhyun argues, crossing his arms. Technically it’s only Baekhyun that’s always talking about him, Chanyeol bitterly thinks.

“What face?”

“Ugh forget it.” Baekhyun rolls his eyes, looking like he’s _finally_ ready to drop the subject. “So like I was saying, it’s cool if he hangs with us on Saturday right--Ha! See that face!” It came out a lot louder than he intended because it surprised not only the florist but also the florist’s dog.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Chanyeol grabs a random bouquet and walks as fast as he could to the cashier, leaving Baekhyun behind.

“You looked like a kicked puppy.” He says, as he catches up to Chanyeol.

“I do not.” Chanyeol frowns. Okay maybe he unintentionally pouts whenever Jongdae’s brought up. He can’t help it, it’s annoying.

“What’s your problem with him?”

Nothing. Chanyeol just has nothing in common with the guy. “Baek if I had a problem with him, I wouldn’t have sat with him at lunch for the past two weeks.”

“But you also wouldn’t talk to him.” Baekhyun says, looking exasperated. “Yeol, he thinks you don’t like him or something.”

“I just don’t know him. I don’t make friends as easily as you do.” Chanyeol sighs. And to be honest, Chanyeol doesn’t know how Baekhyun does it. He makes friends so easily. It’s probably because of how nice Baekhyun is to everyone. That’s probably one of the best things about him, Baekhyun always goes out of his way to make everyone around him feel welcomed. He talks to the quiet ones too. He doesn’t think of anyone as a freak or a weirdo, the same way he didn’t think of Chanyeol as a weird kid with big ears and a ferret all those years ago. “Look, I’ll put in more effort with Jongdae if you want me to.”

“I’m not forcing you to become friends with him, I just think you guys can get along really well if you give him a chance.” Baekhyun gives him a small smile.

“Alright, alright.” Chanyeol says while he hands the money to the florist. “Come on, my sister is waiting for these.”

“Why are we buying your sister flowers again?”

“Because it’s Valentine’s Day and she forgot to buy flowers to go with the chocolate she made for her boyfriend.” Chanyeol says, climbing on his bike.

Honestly, the things he does for the people he loves. Why is Yoora doing all this for her boyfriend anyway? Shouldn’t it be the guy that gives the girl flowers and chocolate? It’s just like Yoora to overthink and overspend on gifts. She always stresses herself on holidays, always trying to find the best gift for her friends and family. One time during Christmas, she almost had a meltdown because she couldn’t get the exact model of a golf club that their dad wanted. Chanyeol did consider yelling at his sister for putting this much effort over some guy but his resolve kinda melted away when she hugged him and thanked him for bringing her the flowers.

Chanyeol responds with an eye roll and a mental note to himself to glare at her boyfriend if he ever sees the guy.

“Why do I get the feeling that you don’t like Yoora’s boyfriend too?” Baekhyun says on their bike ride to their school.

“What makes you say that?”

“Your face kinda gave it away.”

“I think she could do better.” Chanyeol admits. Ever since she started dating, his sister has been more and more absent and shallow and it’s annoying him. Nowadays all she talks about are boys, boys and more boys. “Besides, ever since they dated, Noona’s barely ever home. Mom and dad miss her.”

“I think you’re just being possessive.” Baekhyun laughs. “And you’re the one who’s worried about her.”

“I’m not possessive.” Chanyeol grumbles while he climbs off his bike. Okay maybe he is, but what’s so bad about worrying over his only sister?

“Uhuh, sure you aren't.” Baekhyun says, clearly not buying it. “There’s Jongdae--Hey Jongdae!” He says as he grabs Chanyeol’s hand and yanks him towards Jongdae.

Baekhyun was right. Once Chanyeol started to pay attention to what Jongdae was actually saying during lunch, he’s a pretty fun guy. He has the best reaction to basically everything and that makes Chanyeol all the more excited when he rants about his sister’s boyfriend. After his rant, Chanyeol glances at Baekhyun, and his best friend was smiling at him. It wasn’t even a smug ‘I was right’ smile, it was a fond one. It wasn’t unfamiliar, it was also the same smile Baekhyun had on his face when he and Chanyeol first talked about Baekhyun’s dad. Chanyeol rolls his eyes but smiles back nonetheless.

After school, Baekhyun had promised his mother to help her at the diner, so Chanyeol being the amazing best friend that he was, keeps his promise and asks Jongdae to get ice cream with him on his way home.

The thing about Jongdae is that he’s always carrying this video camera with him, he says that life is too fleeting and he wants to capture as many moments as he can or something. Chanyeol doesn’t really get it, but he thinks it’s neat.

“Hey man, sorry if I came off like an ass before.” Chanyeol thinks he might as well apologize to avoid any sort of bad blood between them.

“It’s okay, I always thought you didn’t like me because I was too loud.” Jongdae shrugs, slinging an arm around Chanyeol’s shoulder. “But I also thought that couldn’t be it because your best friend is Byun Baekhyun.”

“I’m not the most quiet person in the world either,” Chanyeol laughs. “I used to be, until I met Baekhyun.” Now he's one of those people who can't shut up. Mouth always itching to comment or talk, just so the atmosphere doesn’t become weird.

“Yeah he told me how you guys go way back.” Jongdae says, taking a bite of his ice cream. Chanyeol had to bite his own tongue because Jongdae _bit_ his ice cream instead of licking it. “So what was it? I was surprised when you started talking to me today.”

“It’s stupid really, you’re gonna make fun of me for it.” Chanyeol says.

“Try me.”

Chanyeol sighs and reluctantly admits, “I was annoyed that Baekhyun spent so much time with you, and with you guys in the same class and all I felt like I was replaced--”

Jongdae stops in his tracks and Chanyeol immediately regrets being so honest about his feelings, now he just wants to crawl into a hole and die or something.

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Jongdae laughs after a few moments of mortifying (at least to Chanyeol) silence. “If anything, Baekhyun can’t shut the hell up about his dorky ass best friend who’s also like the coolest person on earth.”

“Dorky? Really? Has he met himself?” Chanyeol finds himself smiling, even though he should be offended that Baekhyun’s been going around calling him _dorky_.

“Dude not the point.”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” Chanyeol shrugs.

“I kinda expected it though, he mentioned you’re like weirdly competitive with the most random things.”

Chanyeol groans. He does admit he can get a bit...much, when playing games but it’s just a little healthy competition, that is until he threw his WII remote across the room one time after a particularly intense round of Mario Party 8. But so what if he likes to win? And that he thinks a little competition is healthy?

Later that night, Chanyeol was in the middle of watching tv with his dad when he received a call from Baekhyun.

“Heard you went to the arcade with Jongdae earlier?” Is the first thing Baekhyun says right after Chanyeol picks up.

“He wanted to see how competitive I can get.” Chanyeol stands up from the couch, mouths Baekhyun to his dad who only nods disinterestedly in response, before he goes into his room.

“So I take it you both are getting along?”

“What else did he tell you?” Chanyeol prepares himself by burying his face into his pillow. He’s pretty sure Jongdae has at least an hour of footage of him playing those drum machines at the arcade. And losing too.

“Oh nothing, just how my best friend was scared of being replaced.” Baekhyun laughs.

And Chanyeol groans into his pillow. “I’m gonna kill him.” Of course Jongdae told Baekhyun, even though Chanyeol explicitly told him not to. He’s never going to be honest about his feelings again. Ever.

“You can’t be serious Yeol. You were _jealous_ of Jongdae? Really?” Baekhyun sounds amused, and half exasperated.

“In my defense, you wouldn’t shut up about him for two weeks straight.” God listen to him.

“You’re an idiot.” Baekhyun laughs. “Yeol come on, you’re my best friend. I can’t replace you even if I wanted to. No one’s dorky enough to take your spot.”

Thank god they’re having this conversation over the phone or else Chanyeol might just spontaneously combust from embarrassment. “You’re one to talk.”

==

Chanyeol’s wish finally came true after summer that year, he was going to start highschool with a height of one hundred and seventy eight centimeters. He could not be happier that now he practically towers over his two best friends. Although he doubts he’ll go even taller, this growth spurt was already a miracle on its own.

“This sucks, how’d you get so tall? Did you eat something in Europe?” Baekhyun says. His best friend wasn’t too pleased when he saw just how much Chanyeol grew over the summer. It used to be Baekhyun who was the tallest amongst the three of them and it was something he took pride in. It gives him an excuse to act like the hyung, even though technically he’s only a few months older.

“Must be the water there.” Chanyeol laughs. “Why the long face Baek? You’re not jealous are you?”

“Me jealous? Please. Did you forget that I’m also still growing?”

“And how many centimeters did you grow over the summer? Two was it?”

“It was three, dickwad.” Baekhyun says rolling his eyes. “What is it with you and your weird competitive--” He’s then cut off by a rather heavy jacket hitting his face. “What the fuck Yeol?”

“It’s for you.”

Baekhyun gives the jacket a strange look before he looks back at Chanyeol. “But you love this jacket. You just bought this last winter.”

“Doesn’t fit anymore.” Chanyeol says playfully.

“I get it you’re taller than me now, stop rubbing it in.” Baekhyun says. “I swear if you grow even taller, I’m gonna kill you.”

“You do realize I can’t control my height right?” And he didn’t give the jacket to Baekhyun to tease him.

“Whatever.” Baekhyun lies back down on Chanyeol’s bed. "I wanna go to the US one day. New York seems really cool, from what we see in movies and shit."

"Yeah? Let's go together then."

"I'd have to save a butt ton of money though."

"We can go when we're grown ups or something, when we both have super cool super high paying jobs."

Baekhyun laughs. "Might want to finish your summer homework first, then we'll talk about super high paying jobs."

"But it would be kinda cool though, for us to explore America."

"Better not leave me behind then, Park."

"You know I won't." Chanyeol chuckles. “Thanks for stashing those sunscreen bottles in my bag by the way. Pretty sure I would've gotten sunburnt without them.” Chanyeol was amused when he opened his bagpack and found three bottles of sunscreen tucked away at the very bottom. Chanyeol chuckles. It’s just like Baekhyun to silently do stuff for him.

One time Baekhyun even did Chanyeol’s math homework because he knew he’d forget, even though they were in different classes. And when Chanyeol thanked him, promising to make up for it, all his best friend did was called him an idiot and shrugged.

“I reminded you like four times yet you still forgot.” Baekhyun snorts. “Honestly Yeol, what would you do without me?”

Let’s be honest here, Chanyeol’s pretty sure he can’t live without Baekhyun. He’ll die and trip over his own feet without his best friend to remind him to tie his shoelaces every morning.

==

The first time Chanyeol saw Baekhyun cry was in his dad’s car. During the last week of their summer break, Chanyeol’s dad thought it would be a good idea for Chanyeol to start learning how to drive. He says it’s always good to start practicing early.

“Chanyeol stop fidgeting and keep your eyes on the road.” His dad sternly reminds him.

“I’m trying! It’s just--I can’t find the stupid brakes.”

“It’s right next to the gas, Yeol.”

“How insightful Baekhyun.” Chanyeol says, turning around to glare at Baekhyun.

“Eyes on the road son!”

Chanyeol accidentally steps on the brakes too hard, stopping the car, causing all three of them to lunge forward.

“Dad stop freaking me out we’re not even out on the road, we’re in front of Baekhyun’s house!” It’s honestly embarrassing how they’ve been at this for thirty minutes and yet Chanyeol’s only a few blocks down from his own house.

“That’s because you freak out every two seconds.” Baekhyun points out, rubbing his forehead. “Just relax, and keep your eyes on the road.”

Chanyeol does eventually get the hang of it...around two hours later. Driving isn’t exactly easy when his dad is there to micromanage literally everything and his loudmouth best friend providing a live commentary on Chanyeol’s nonexistent driving skills.

“Can I please take a break? I’ve been driving for two hours.”

“Funny how after two hours we’re still in the same neighborhood.” Baekhyun snorts, and Chanyeol swears if he weren’t in the backseat he would’ve lunged and choked his best friend. But instead he made an effort to assault Baekhyun by weakly flailing his right arm to the backseat.

“Alright, Chanyeol switch seats with Baekhyun.”

“What?” Both he and Baekhyun say in unison, both of their heads turning towards Chanyeol’s dad.

“It’s Baekhyun’s turn to learn, come now, I’m not getting any younger.” His dad practically pushes Chanyeol out of the driver’s seat (and the car).

“But, we don’t have a car?” Baekhyun says, still looking confused.

“It’s good to know in advance, besides driving isn’t a bad skill to have right Chanyeol?” His dad looks at him.

“Yeah but what if I scratch your car…” Baekhyun says, still hesitating.

“I’m sure you won’t be worse than Chanyeol. Come on.”

“I don’t know…” Baekhyun hesitates.

“Come on, I’ll be more at ease knowing that you can drive when my son can’t even find the brakes.” Chanyeol knows that this is supposed to be a dig at his driving skills but it’ll be nice if Baekhyun can drive, when he gets his car later, he can just make his best friend drive him around.

Chanyeol notices Baekhyun looking at him, and of course, this is a great idea, so he flashes Baekhyun a grin and a two thumbs up. His best friend eventually gives up and climbs into the driver’s seat.

It doesn’t even annoy Chanyeol when Baekhyun turns out to be a much better driver than he is. He’s a natural, he’s so coordinated and it should’ve been mildly infuriating but it’s not. On their usual bike rides to school, Baekhyun would purposely crash his bike onto Chanyeol’s just to piss him off (or give him a heart attack). So, if anything it’s hilarious how careful Baekhyun is being, he looks so focused that his head might explode to make sure they don’t crash into anything.

Once they’re back at Chanyeol’s house and Baekhyun successfully parked into the driveway, Chanyeol can hear Baekhyun’s sigh of relief as he switches off the car. “See what’d I tell you? A natural at driving. Good job son.” He says, ruffling Baekhyun’s hair before he got out of the car.

Chanyeol is about to follow his dad into the house when he notices that Baekhyun was still inside the car. He walks back and notices that Baekhyun isn’t moving either. He becomes concerned when Baekhyun jumps at the sound of him opening the passenger door.

Chanyeol climbs into the front seat. “Dude you okay?” Chanyeol’s internally panicking because even an idiot like him can see that Baekhyun’s crying. And Baekhyun never cries. It was always Chanyeol’s job to cry for the both of them. “Baek? Did you hit your head because of my driving? Did my dad scare you? Oh my go--”

“I’m fine Yeol.” He laughs, trying to blink away his tears. “Calm down.”

“Then why are you crying? Are you hurt?” Chanyeol leans forward to get a better look of his friend’s face only to have _his_ face pushed away. Honestly, he’s trying to show concern and he gets a palm to his face instead.

“I said I’m fine. Just overwhelmed.”

“But we only went around the neighborhood…”

“Not by the driving you doof.” Baekhyun laughs, lightly punching Chanyeol’s arm.

Chanyeol grins. “I know, so why the tears?”

Baekhyun takes a deep breath. “It’s just, I don’t know. I never thought I’d get to experience this.”

“Driving…?” Chanyeol says, this time genuinely confused and Baekhyun laughs yet again at his best friend’s stupidity.

“Having someone to teach me how to drive and call me son and all that.” Baekhyun shrugs, trying to play it off as nothing.

“Oh. _Oh._ ” So that’s what this is about. And almost in an instant, Chanyeol feels a pit forming in his stomach, he can’t believe that he’s been so insensitive about this, and probably a million other things. It’s easy to forget that Baekhyun isn’t as lucky as most kids with how bright and positive he is all the time--always one to look on the positive side, always saying the glass is half full instead of half empty. Always being the one to take care of his friends.

They both sat there in silence. Not that it was uncomfortable, but Chanyeol can physically feel Baekhyun staring at him and probably knowing that Chanyeol is taking his sweet time thinking of what to say to that because it’s not every day Baekhyun shows this much vulnerability to _anyone_ really--

“I can see the smoke coming out of your ears.”

“You know my family is your family too, right?” Chanyeol decides to say. “What’s mine has been and will always be yours too. You’re my best friend.” Ugh, he’s going to die of embarrassment. He can’t believe he’s saying all of these cheesy things to Baekhyun and, god forbid, to his face. But if it’s what Baekhyun needs to hear then he’ll be as cheesy as Baekhyun needs him to be, even if he’ll probably avoid eye contact for the next two weeks.

It’s also completely unhelpful how Baekhyun just stares at him instead of, oh I don’t know, _saying_ something. So, Chanyeol being the awkward fifteen year old that he is, opts to stare at the window behind Baekhyun, and tries to focus on his neighbor mowing their lawn.

“Yeol.” Baekhyun finally breaks the silence.

“Huh?”

“Stop staring at your neighbor, it's creepy.”

Chanyeol laughs and finally shifts his gaze to Baekhyun, who’s smiling at him. That rare but unfamiliar smile Chanyeol sees every now and then.

“But thank you. I really appreciate what you said.”

“Yeah yeah, pretty sure my family likes you more than they like me anyway.” Chanyeol says, getting out of the car. “Come on, mom’s making our favorite kimchi fried rice for dinner.”

==

Over the summer, Chanyeol also picks up a number of hobbies that include, the guitar, bowling and basketball. So it was only natural that he'd try out for his school's basketball team. Unlike him, his best friend chose to focus only on one hobby at a time and poured all of his free time into choir and hapkido, a sport he'd taken up years ago, around the time they first met. Only now, Baekhyun is so good that Chanyeol actually hesitates when he wants to playfully tackle him. He’s pretty sure one of these days he might get his ass whooped.

Jongdae on the other hand spends most of his free time stalking a girl in their class. It would've been fine if Jongdae was satisfied just by staring at her in class like any other normal teenage boy but no, he had to drag both Baekhyun and Chanyeol into a parking lot of a diner just to spy on her from the window on a Sunday afternoon.

"I'm so not dressed for this." Chanyeol grumbles. He's still wearing the same stuffy dress shirt he wore this morning to church. He barely had one foot in his own house before Jongdae yanked him and forced him to get on his bicycle. Chanyeol’s not sure what’s the best way to explain to people how he got forced onto a bicycle, but Jongdae has his way with people. He sometimes shudders at what kind of shenanigans he’ll get dragged into when one of them finally gets a car.

"Really? That's what you're worried about? Not the fact that we look like total creeps?" Baekhyun comments before Jongdae had the nerve to sush him. "Just talk to her man, this is weird." Baekhyun sighs, giving up on crouching and opts to just sit on the ground.

"And what am I supposed to say to her?" Jongdae turns to him.

"I dunno tell her she's pretty or something." His sister likes it when boys tell her she’s pretty. Chanyeol personally finds it gross. Okay sure his sister is pretty (not that he’d ever say it in front of her), but high school boys are disgusting, they slobber all over girls--kinda like what Jongdae is doing now, and his sister is simply too good for them.

"Real helpful Yeol." Jongdae rolls his eyes.

"You know what's not helpful? Her finding out you're spying on her from a diner window." Baekhyun says standing up and walks into the diner. "Come on, I'm starving."

Jongdae quickly stands up and tries to follow Baekhyun. "Baek you can't just--"

"This is where his mom works dumbass, calm down." Chanyeol says, running after both of them.

Jongdae goes silent, and takes a good look around the diner. "Oh cool so this is where he runs off to after school?"

Chanyeol nods. Most of his peers know that Baekhyun works part time at a restaurant but most aren’t aware he’s doing so to help his mother on her shifts. For someone as outgoing as Baekhyun, he’s actually pretty private about his home life.

Despite crouching uncomfortably for almost half an hour, they did end up having a pretty nice lunch at the diner, courtesy of Baekhyun’s mom. She also finally convinced Jongdae to just talk to Chungha like a normal human being instead of spying on her all the time.

"Dude what if she slaps me?" Jongdae walks back and forth in their school hallway the very next day.

"Don't be ridiculous, you said she smiled at you when we walked in the diner." Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “And stop pacing.”

"What if she was smiling at someone else?"

"At who? The middle aged trucker walking behind us?" Chanyeol reasons, crossing his arms. He can’t believe he ditched his basketball practice for this. Baekhyun insisted that he needs to be here for moral support but Chanyeol’s pretty sure he just didn’t want to deal with Jongdae’s nervous breakdown alone. That and there’s always a possibility of him getting rejected, which will lead to another can of worms he doesn’t want to open.

"If I get rejected then you both are buying me lunch for a year." Jongdae says. "And arcade coins."

Chanyeol rolls his eyes and Baekhyun pushes Jongdae inside the classroom to finally talk to the girl he likes. A few minutes in and Chanyeol is now the one pacing around the hallway like an idiot. Maybe they didn’t think this through--what if she _actually_ turns him down? If the other kids ever found out, Jongdae would be made fun of for months. Just as Chanyeol’s mind was about to go further down that hole he hears Jongdae’s loud laughter erupting from inside the class. He realizes that he’s not the only one who’s been holding his breath when he and Baekhyun let out a sigh of relief at the same time.

"I was actually scared Chungha would reject him for a good second." Baekhyun chuckles, while they walk outside, leaving Jongdae and Chungha to walk home alone together. "Jongdae did drool over her quite creepily for like a month. Literally."

Chanyeol chuckles but then frowns when he realizes it’s raining outside. "Nah, he’s a good guy underneath all that drool. I’m sure Chungha knows that." It’s a good thing his mom always pesters him about bringing an umbrella during this time of the year. And it’s a good thing his dad drove him and Baekhyun to school earlier this morning, so they didn’t have to worry about their bikes.

"Can't believe one of our best friends actually managed to get a girlfriend." Baekhyun says offhandedly, he’s mostly focused on snatching the umbrella from Chanyeol. Baekhyun has this weird obsession with holding the umbrella whenever he’s walking with Chanyeol in the rain. Chanyeol thinks it makes him feel taller because he used to be the one holding the umbrella when they were younger, but now it just makes them look ridiculous.

"I know right." Chanyeol replies, tightening his grip on the umbrella. He refuses to have to bend down the entire walk home just so his best friend can feel a little bit taller.

"You interested in getting one?" Baekhyun asks, still trying to yank the umbrella from him and as a result getting himself wet from moving around too much.

Chanyeol frowns at the unexpected question. "No?" The question caught him so off guard that he loosened his grip on the umbrella.

"Yes!” Baekhyun says quietly, celebrating his small victory over the umbrella. He then tries to hold the umbrella higher to accomodate for Chanyeol’s height even though it’ll hurt his arm in around five minutes. “Why not?"

"Haven't thought about it." Chanyeol truthfully answers. Having a girlfriend is probably the last thing on his mind, which should be weird right? He’s a teenage boy. He should be thirsting after girls by now and when it gets disgusting, blame it on hormones. "You?"

“I guess? It’ll be kinda nice having a girlfriend. I mean look at Jongdae, must be pretty great to be that infatuated with someone. And having all of that reciprocated.”

“You sound like a girl.” Chanyeol snorts and earns a harsh nudge from Baekhyun, which he entirely deserves. But he nudges Baekhyun back just as hard anyway, causing him to topple and drop the umbrella. Baekhyun gapes at him for two seconds before grinning and running away from Chanyeol, leaving him drenched in the rain. Chanyeol picks up the umbrella and runs after Baekhyun.

He can’t lie, it does sound nice to have all that, but Chanyeol doesn’t exactly long for it either. It just doesn’t appeal to him. He once asked his sister why she goes out of her way just for a boy, and even then her answer made no sense to him. She says it’s nice to have someone who’s always gonna be there for you, and someone to make you laugh and all that bullshit. But Chanyeol already has people in his life that’ll run in the rain with him, he already has someone that makes him laugh every waking minute of his life. Maybe so many people wanted a girlfriend or a boyfriend because they weren’t as lucky as Chanyeol; they didn’t have a Baekhyun as their best friend.

Have you ever felt like you’ve found a friend so in tune with yourself that you just can’t help but think that you’re made for each other? Like you were always supposed to be friends. You connect on almost every level, you make each other smile the brightest, laugh the loudest, and you can’t imagine life without them? If you wanna be cheesy then you can call it a soulmate. Your other half. Someone’s that’s always meant to be in your life. And that’s exactly how Chanyeol feels whenever he looks at Baekhyun.

==

The weird thing about being a teenager in highschool is how the people around him are either freaking out about getting a date for prom or how they’re going to die if they don’t go to a good college. As a freshman, Chanyeol wasn’t too worried at first, that is until he overhears his classmates gossiping about this one senior who broke down in tears after finding out she didn’t get into one of the SKY universities. And another one who burst into tears during the CSATs.

“What’s so great about those SKY schools anyway?” He asks Baekhyun one day, while lounging in his room after an intense session of ‘who can complete their algebra homework first’.

“It leads to a brighter future. Ask your dad, he went to Seoul University didn’t he?” Baekhyun answers, while he flips through one of Chanyeol’s ironman comics, with Chanyeol leaning his back and entire body weight on Baekhyun’s back.

Oh yeah, his dad got his finance degree from SNU. He’d completely forgotten about that. “Do you wanna go to a fancy school also?”

“I have to. It’ll definitely help with getting a job.” Baekhyun shrugs. “Mom says it’s hard to get a job these days, and it’ll get even harder by the time we graduate from school.”

“You’re smart. I’m pretty sure you’re gonna get in.” He yawns. Baekhyun’s pretty smart even though he doesn’t act like it. He’s first in their class and he always comes up with the most brilliant schemes--for example, how to get Chanyeol to finish his math homework on time? Take advantage of his overly competitive nature and subtly turn it into a harmless competition between the two of them.

“Ugh I wish, I have to be Baekbeom smart to even have a chance.” While it’s true that Baekhyun’s smart, Baekbeom was always the type to float through life. Not that he didn’t work hard, but everything just seemed to work out for him. On top of it all, he’s extremely resourceful, always knowing how to make work with what he has. It’s easy to see why Baekhyun admires his big brother so much.

But Baekhyun’s just as smart as Baekbeom and just as hardworking as him--if not more. So it’s unfair if Baekbeom can go to a prestigious school while Baekhyun is sitting here believing that he can’t.

It’s also kinda painful seeing Baekhyun slowly descend into madness as he becomes more and more obsessed with getting into a good college a few months after that conversation.

“Mom I wanna go to cram school.” Chanyeol says to his mom one day.

“What?” His mom looks at him frowning, putting down her book. “Why?” Her confusion is completely understandable as most kids his age would give anything to get out of a _hagwon_ \--or cram school, but here he is, asking his mom to go without being forced against his will.

“I wanna get into Seoul University, or Korea University or Yon..uh--what was the last one?” Chanyeol really hasn’t thought this one through. But his friends from the basketball team did say going to a cram school was a major game changer, something about the practice questions are similar to the actual tests.

“Yonsei?” His mom answers, looking unconvinced. Maybe he should’ve at least known why he’d want to go before talking to his mom.

“Wouldn’t that make you and dad happy? Especially dad.” That’s right. His dad would totally be on board with this. What dad wouldn’t be thrilled hearing his own son wants to go to his alma mater, or at least _attempt_ to go to his alma mater.

“Oh honey, you know it doesn’t matter which school you go to or what you study.” She says, “As long as you’re happy, so are we.”

“I still wanna try.” Chanyeol smiles at her, he really has the best parents in the whole world. “There’s no harm in trying right?”

His mom stares at him, still hesitant about and probably iffy about the whole thing. “I guess you’re right. I’ll talk to your dad. But no backing out, this is your decision and you have to commit.”

“I will, I promise you.”

Cram school was not at all like what Chanyeol had expected; it was worse. He could tell that at least ninety percent of the kids there would rather be spending their time somewhere else, like living their youth and having fun. And it kind of made him love his parents even more for never really forcing him to study--he was always free to do whatever he wanted as long as he’s not failing.

Like he expected, his dad was extremely thrilled and insisted that Chanyeol attended the best cram school in his neighborhood. And on his first day there, Chanyeol was forced to sit next to this weird kid that kept glaring at him from the distance through his glasses, because unfortunately for him, all of the other seats were full. He makes a quick glance at the name tag on the kid’s uniform and it says ‘Do Kyungsoo’.

That weekend, he wakes up to a text message from Baekhyun.

_[9.40am] yeol u ok?? barely heard from you all week_

[9.42am] yeah fine. are you free? have some things to show you

_[9.49am] oh god you didn’t pick up another stray did you?_

[9.50am] :)

_[9.51am] chanyeol._

[9.53am] I’m kidding just come over and I’ll show u

_[9.55am] fine. i’ll be there later, helping mom at the diner rn._

Around four hours later, Baekhyun does eventually show up. “Okay, I’m here. What do you wanna show me?” He says as soon as Chanyeol opens the door.

Chanyeol drags a very confused Baekhyun to his bedroom and shoves his face with a pile of books. “Here.”

“Books?”

“Materials from cram school.” Chanyeol grins. “I need your help with them.” And he does, there’s no way Chanyeol can keep up with the materials from this, his classes at school and his extracurriculars.

“You’re going to cram school…?” Baekhyun takes up a book from the stack.

“Yep.” Chanyeol shrugs. “I’m not losing to you. I’m gonna get into SKY too.”

Baekhyun shoots him a weird look. “Dude, I know you’re extremely competitive but isn’t this a bit much?”

Chanyeol shrugs again. “Come on, it’s a win-win for both of us--you get extra study material that even Baekbeom didn’t have, and I won’t feel like a loser when my best friend gets into one of the best schools in the country.”

“I guess you’re right.” Baekhyun snorts, still in disbelief. “Alright. We can go over these on the weekends.”

“Yup, every weekend until the CSATs.” Chanyeol sighs, already dreading what’s to come. He really hasn’t thought this one through.

“Do you think Jongdae will be interested?” Baekhyun says. Chanyeol also considered calling Jongdae over but honestly, what are the chances of Jongdae willingly spending his free time with more studying?

Chanyeol snorts. “Yeah right, I’m sure Jongdae would love to study with us instead of hanging out with his super hot girlfriend.”

==

As it turns out, Chanyeol was extremely spot on about Jongdae. Once his friend found out that he’s going to cram school and studying with Baekhyun every weekend, he was horrified. Chanyeol’s sure Jongdae couldn’t stop going on and on about how Chanyeol is just adding unnecessary pressure into his life for like a month.

“Chanyeol you’re exhausted.” Jongdae says as they’re sitting in the cafeteria.

“What? No I’m not.” He is. Chanyeol’s so exhausted and it’s only been three months since he started cram school.

“It’s lunch time and you’re studying.” Chanyeol sighs and glances at his untouched food. It’s weird how he’s not even hungry, when usually he’d be the first one to run to the cafeteria to eat during lunch time. Maybe it’s the stress.

“I’m already behind.” He's so behind that he had to ask to borrow Kyungsoo's notes so he can copy them. After two and a half months of avoiding eye contact with Kyungsoo, Chanyeol finally got the balls to ask for notes of the things he missed from his seatmate at cram school. To his surprise, Kyungsoo’s pretty chill about it. He didn’t even ask any questions, and just handed over his notebook to Chanyeol in silence.

“It’s the first week after winter break.” Jongdae argues. “You can’t be _that_ behind. C’mon.”

Chanyeol sighs again. “I need to finish this today because I have this thing at church tomorrow, I promised my sister."

“You can’t be serious.” Jongdae frowns at him. “You already have so much on your plate. Don’t you also have basketball practice today?”

“That’s why I need to do this now.” Chanyeol argues. If he doesn’t get at least half of this done now, he won’t be able to return Kyungsoo’s notes on time.

“Tell Yoora you can’t go tomorrow.”

Chanyeol groans. “She’s in charge of the chastity ceremony, I promised I’ll help, I have to be there.” He’d rather not have his sister yelling at him for backing out on top of everything he has going on right now.

“She’s not getting married Yeol, it’s just a part time job.” Jongdae rolls his eyes. “Why are you even working so hard for college, we both know you don’t actually care.”

“If I didn’t care, then why the fuck would I spend eighty hours a week studying?” Chanyeol retorts back, starting to feel annoyed.

“I’m just saying, you’re doing this for Baek.”

Maybe he kinda is, but it’s not like he’s going to admit it. “No I’m not. Like I said, I’m not losing to him.”

“Okay, which school do you wanna go to?” Jongdae pushes, obviously unconvinced.

“SNU.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s a top three school?” Chanyeol says exasperatedly, all this nagging from Jongdae is making it impossible for him to get anything done.

“Because Baekhyun wants to go there for the engineering program.” He flatly says. “Chanyeol do you even know what you’re going to major in?”

Ugh there’s that question again. “Finance maybe? I don’t know, okay? I’ll figure it out after I get in.” And he plans to, it’s not like he’ll be able to go into college being an undeclared major, this isn’t America. It’s just for now he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. All he knows is that he enjoys playing basketball and hanging out with his friends.

“Right--”

“Okay fine, I wanna go to the same school as my best friend. Happy?” Chanyeol snaps.

“I’m just worried man. You can still hangout with Baek whenever you want, even if you go to different schools.” And technically Jongdae’s right. Chanyeol did wonder why he was so keen on getting into a good school after Baekhyun said he wanted to go. Maybe it was just a habit he’d formed over the years; wherever Baekhyun goes, Chanyeol just follows.

“Yeah yeah I know.”

“I know you’re going to cram school for him too.” Jongdae adds, clearly not willing to drop the topic anytime soon.

“What?”

“I’m not stupid Chanyeol. Baekhyun may be oblivious sometimes but it’s obvious to me, your other best friend, that you’re only going so that you can give the practice questions and materials to him. Since you know--he can’t actually attend a fancy cram school.”

“Well if you put it that way…” Chanyeol does admit a big part of him wanting to go cram school in the first place is to help Baekhyun get an advantage. “He’s even more stressed than I am. Because you know, he actually needs to get in.”

“Both of you realize that not getting into SKY isn’t the end of the world right?”

“I know I keep telling him that. But you can’t blame him, Baekbeom went to Yonsei.”

“He’s not his brother.” Jongdae frowns. Obviously tired and annoyed by how obsessed Baekhyun is nowadays about becoming just as good as his brother, which naturally leads him to compare himself and thus adding more stress.

“You tell him that.” Chanyeol sighs. “He just wants to make his mom happy.”

“Her other son is already perfect, can’t she give this one a break?” Jongdae whines and Chanyeol laughs. He agrees, Baekhyun does need a break. And he doesn’t need to be ‘perfect’ like Baekbeom to be successful.

“Park Chanyeol?” He hears suddenly. Both he and Jongdae turn to the owner of the voice. “Hi, I’m Son Seunghwan, I’m in your class--”

“Yeah hi, I know you.” Chanyeol smiles at her. Son Seunghwan has been in the same class as him for two years now, she’s a fairly quiet girl, never really causing a ruckus and mostly keeps to herself and her small group of friends.

“Can I talk to you for a sec?” She asks shyly.

Chanyeol looks at her and then at Jongdae, who already has a smirk on his face. A smirk so fucking smug that Chanyeol can’t surpress the urge to roll his eyes.

“Sure.” He gives her a friendly smile then gets up and follows Seunghwan to the hall just outside of the cafeteria. “What’s up?”

“I was wondering, uh maybe if you want…” She stumbles over her words. “Do you, uh wanna go to a movie sometime?”

“Okay sure.” Chanyeol shrugs.

“Really?” Seunghwan’s eyes widened, surprised that Chanyeol agreed so quickly.

“Yeah do you want me to ask our friends too?”

“No! I mean I was thinking if it can be an exclusive thing?”

“Oh. _Oh._ ” Chanyeol stares at her. He kinda expected this but at the same time he didn’t? It’s like he didn’t think he’d actually get asked out. Why would a girl want to go out with him anyway? He’s loud, annoying, and uncoordinated. He doesn’t see the appeal. And worst of all he also doesn’t know how to say no.

“Okay.”

“Great! Saturday?” Seunghwan beams at him.

“Actually, I think my dad has something planned on Saturday. I’ll let you know?” It’s not an excuse, Chanyeol actually has to check with his parents.

“Sure, here’s my number.” Seunghwan hands him a small piece of paper.

“My, my did Park Chanyeol just score himself a date?” Jongdae says as soon as he’s back at his table.

“It’s not a date.” Chanyeol rolls his eyes. It probably is a date but he’s not gonna tell Jongdae that unless he wants to be teased mercilessly.

“Chanyeol, she’s hot.”

“Who’s hot?” Baekhyun takes a seat next to him. Of course he’d arrive at such a convenient timing.

“Son Seunghwan, who just so happened to ask our Chanyeollie here on a date.” Jongdae blurts out and Chanyeol groans into his notebook.

“Really? I hear she’s nice. Got a nice voice too.” Baekhyun adds, taking an untouched french fry from Chanyeol’s plate.

“She’s the one that sings during every assembly right?” Jongdae leans back into his seat.

“That’s the one.” Baekhyun confirms.

“So are you going?” Jongdae pulls Chanyeol’s ear to get his attention.

Chanyeol swats Jongdae’s hand away harshly, narrowly missing his face in the process. “I don’t know, I told her I’ll let her know by Friday.” He lets out a long sigh.

“Chanyeol come on, a hot girl is trying to get with you here.” Jongdae is so goddamn persistent to the point that it’s irritating at times.

“Yeah but I have to study.” Technically he always has to study, so it’s not like he’s lying.

“You study every week.” Jongdae whines. “He should have one night out right Baek?”

Baekhyun shrugs without missing a beat. “Yeah, everyone can see you’re busting your ass. Go and have fun.”

“I can always have fun after I study, like we usually do.” Chanyeol mumbles, he really doesn’t get why his friends are forcing him to have fun with a girl when he can have fun with them instead.

“You’re seriously trying to weasel your way out of a date to hangout with Baekhyun?” Jongdae deadpans. “You hangout with Baekhyun everyday!”

“I don’t know what to talk about with girls okay, and I have no time to research.” Chanyeol admits. He can be a chatterbox when he wants to be but having the idea of spending an entire evening with a girl he barely knows sounds exhausting, especially when he has very minimal energy to begin with.

“Fucking nerd.” Baekhyun snickers.

Chanyeol kicks Baekhyun’s leg in retaliation. “Says the douche who always has his nose in a book.” Baekhyun really isn’t one to talk when it comes to dating and talking to the girls when he spends most of his time studying _and_ working.

“You know, Baek’s right. For someone who’s on a sports team, you’re a fucking nerd.” Jongdae starts. “What kind of highschool jock doesn’t know how to talk to a girl?”

Chanyeol rolls his eyes. “Oh and you do?”

“I have a girlfriend.” Jongdae smugly says, ah yes Chunga, lucky gal. Chanyeol wonders if she ever regretted accepting Jongdae as her boyfriend. “And you have what? Baekhyun?”

Chanyeol pauses.

“Don’t be gross.” Chanyeol says in the end, eyeing Baekhyun who’s chuckling while writing something down on his book. “I don’t see you attacking him for not talking to girls.” He says to Jongdae, getting a bit sick of being the only one verbally harassed.

“Because he talks to girls.”

That’s new. “Who? His mom?”

“His mom’s friend’s daughter from church.” Jongdae says and Chanyeol frowns, partially in irritation but mostly trying to make sense of Jongdae’s unnecessarily complicated sentence.

“Since when?” He turns to Baekhyun.

“Three months ago?” Baekhyun answers.

Three months? It’s been three months and Baekhyun never thought of bringing it up once?

“We go to the same church, how do I not know this?” Chanyeol says, still frowning.

“You fall asleep whenever we go to church Yeol,” Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “And whenever you _are_ awake you never pay attention.”

Fair enough, Chanyeol does tend to space out whenever he’s in church. “Okay so who is it?” But he’s pretty sure he’d notice if Baekhyun was talking to pretty girls.

“She’s older.”

Alarms start to ring in Chanayeol’s head. “Please for the love of God, don’t say that you’re dating my sister.”

“Um.” Baekhyun grins.

“Baekhyun I will kick your ass--”

“I’m kidding, it’s her friend. Taeyeon noona.” Baekhyun laughs. “And we’re not dating, we’ve just been hanging out.”

Chanyeol recognizes that name. Taeyeon is a senior like his sister, and she’s super pretty and petite and basically the entire school’s dream girl. “Taeyeon noona? But she’s like a goddess and you’re a baboon.”

Jongdae bursts out laughing and Baekhyun kicks his leg from under the table.

Chanyeol usually gets a kick from teasing and riling Baekhyun up, and he usually laughs along with Jongdae, but for some reason this time even his smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

==

Maybe, just fucking maybe, Chanyeol is making a bigger deal out of this than he should. Ever since that day in the cafeteria, he often finds mood dampened a whole lot more than usual. Or maybe it’s the stress and fatigue finally catching up with him. He’s surprised he hasn’t snapped at anyone up until now, save for the cat that abruptly jumped right in front of him and his bike on the way to school.

And it makes him feel terrible (even more terrible?), that cat probably didn’t deserve the string of curses Chanyeol let out as he shooed the feline away to safety.

“Yeol, what are we doing?” Baekhyun protests after walking around in the same block for forty minutes.

“I told you I’m looking for a cat.”

He’s barely seen Baekhyun this entire week, if Baekhyun didn’t approach him and _insisted_ they go home together earlier he’d probably went on his quest to find the poor cat alone. He’s isn’t really in the mood to socialize with anyone. Especially Baekhyun.

“I didn’t think you were serious. Should’ve known better.” He hears Baekhyun mumble. “Is that why you’re carrying a carton of milk?”

Chanyeol nods and just as he’s thinking about giving up and trying another day, he sees the familiar stripes of the damn cat that he almost crashed into. He runs towards it and tears open the carton of the milk, making a huge hole that the cat can drink from.  
Surprisingly, the cat doesn’t run away from him and immediately walks towards Chanyeol when it spots the milk.

“I know you’re, like, fond of feeding strays but why this one in particular?” Baekhyun smiles, squatting down next to him and pets the cat as it drinks from the milk carton.

“I felt bad.”

“What happened?” Baekhyun frowns.

“I cursed at it.”

“You cursed at a cat…?” Baekhyun says slowly.

“I was stressed, okay? And it jumped in front of me, I almost crashed into a mailbox because of this little fucker.”

“This is why Jongdae told you to take a break idiot, so you don’t go around cursing at strays.” Baekhyun snorts. And Chanyeol rolls his eyes.

Maybe he’s been a bit ridiculous this past few weeks. But it’s not like he has anyone else to blame but himself; he’s the one who insisted on going to cram school, staying in the basketball team and scoring good grades to get into SNU. No one’s forcing him to.

“Sorry for not telling you about Taeyeon.” Baekhyun starts as they walk back home.

Chanyeol tenses slightly at the sudden mention of Taeyeon. “Yeah why didn’t you tell me?” Trying to sound as casual as possible.

Baekhyun shrugs. “It kinda slipped my mind. We only just started hanging out right before winter break and then she went out of town. So there’s really nothing to tell.”

Well that's fair. They both have been really swamped with school work and clubs, Chanyeol supposes it's easy to forget stuff. And it's not like Baekhyun's obligated to tell him everything that's going on in his life. “I see.”

It just kinda sucks because Chanyeol tells Baekhyun about every little detail in his life. Well, at least the ones he can remember.

Chanyeol goes home. Even Baekhyun has a social life, and thus making him the pathetic loser amongst the three of them--the sad nerd with only studying in his mind. Jongdae was right, why was he busting his ass to get into SKY when even his best friend has time to play around and date pretty girls. Why is he missing out?

Later that night Chanyeol manages to ask his dad about their plans this Saturday, and much to his delight (?) they didn’t have any. So he is going on that date after all. It kinda weirded him out a bit, he should at least be a bit more excited about this date.

Considering it’s his first ever date. With an actual girl. A really pretty one he might add.

[9.30pm] hey seunghwan, this is chanyeol. I’m free this saturday, what kind of movies do you like? :)

He texts Seunghwan. Was the smiley face a bit much? What if she thinks it’s creepy? God, he’s just not cut out for this. His phone vibrates and it turns out he’s overthinking things because Seunghwan also used a smiley face in her text.

Well, there’s no backing out now.

==

Chanyeol really considers making up an excuse, but considering he’s also already in front of Seunghwan’s house, maybe he’s a bit too late to chicken out now. Not really having the courage to ring the doorbell or knock on the front door, he opts to text Seunghwan instead to let her know he’s in front of her house.

After sending the text, Chanyeol panics for a split second, thinking that asking the girl to come out via text might not be the most gentlemanly thing to do on a date but he calms down the moment Seunghwan greets him with a smile.

“Hi.” My god this is painfully awkward. “You look nice.”

“Thanks.” Seunghwan grins, walking towards Chanyeol’s car. “You look nice too. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this dressed up.”

Thankfully for him, Seunghwan isn’t too shy to make conversation so the ride to the mall wasn’t as awkward as he’d expected it to be. He’d even prepared an entire list full of random topics so that he wouldn’t have to drive in awkward silence, but he’s glad he didn’t even need the dumb list tonight.

The mall is crowded on a Saturday night as he’d expect. He looks around and there are a lot of people in the cinema, mostly families but there are a lot of couples too. Chanyeol feels weird that he’s now one of those couples.

“That was a good movie.” Seunghwan says, as they walk out of the theatre.

“Yeah really intense though.” It surprises him that she’d pick a drama set in a prison instead of the romantic comedy that couples usually opt for on a first date. But he’s glad she didn’t, because now they can actually discuss the movie.

“You wanna go get this ice cream, I know a really good one just near the park.” Chanyeol offers. It’s the ice cream that he, Baekhyun and Jongdae usually eat after school.

“That’d be great actually.” Seunghwan smiles.

“So you’re in the choir right?” Chanyeol asks when they buy their ice cream.

“Yeah.”

“My friend’s in the choir.”

“Baekhyun right?”

Chanyeol raises an eyebrow. “How’d you know?”

“You guys are always together. It’s hard to not know.” Seunghwan chuckles.

Chanyeol laughs at that, he supposes he does spend a lot of time with Baekhyun. “We’ve been friends since forever.”

“That’s how I first noticed you actually, when you came barging into the choir room mid rehearsal, just to give Baekhyun his book.”

Good god. Of all the times Seunghwan could’ve seen him. He swore to never step into the choir room after that day. He still blames Baekhyun for not mentioning that he’s mid practice when he said he _urgently_ needs his book or else he’ll _die_. “Oh my god that was embarrassing.”

“No, no it was funny and cute.” Seunghwan laughs as they continue walking through the fairly quiet and empty park. “Hey, aren’t those your teammates?” She suddenly says, pointing to the bridge just above the duck pond.

Chanyeol squints and tries to get a better look, it’s quite hard to make out in the dim lighting but he does see two figures standing above the bridge.

“Oh yeah that’s Minho and Kibum.” Well what do you know, he bumps into his team captain and a team member. And he quietly thanks god that both people are teammates that he actually likes. “I should go say hey.”

Seunghwan grabs Chanyeol’s arm. “No, wait.”

Chanyeol turns to look at her in confusion.

“Look, I think they wanna be alone.” She gestures at Minho and Kibum again.

Chanyeol takes a closer look and his eyes widen when he realizes that Minho and Kibum are holding hands. And not the kind that most boys usually do.

“I think they’re also on a date.” Seunghwan adds.

Chanyeol gapes at her. Still trying to make sense of what he’s seeing and Seunghwan’s words. Because they can’t be on a date. They’re both boys. Unless-- “No way, it can’t be. No--they’re not _that_.”

Seunghwan looks at him. “What’s going on there isn’t platonic.”

And she’s right, with the way Kibum is now leaning his head onto Minho’s shoulder. It’s hard to see them in any way but romantic. And it’s one hundred percent romantic when they both lean in towards each other, most likely for a kiss.

Chanyeol looks away, feeling slightly invasive. Like he’s been staring at something that he shouldn't have seen. “There’s no way they’re gay. I’ve known Minho and Kibum hyung for years.”

Seunghwan sighs. “Maybe they don’t want people to know? Being gay isn’t exactly well received here.”

And she’s right. Chanyeol probably should have never seen that. He’s sure that Minho and Kibum never meant for anyone to see them, which is why they chose such a secluded area of the park.

So he gave his two seniors some privacy and went on with his date. His mind however, couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if anyone else but him stumbled upon them. Seunghwan didn’t seem to mind, and wasn’t particularly interested about what she just witnessed. She didn’t even bring it up again for the remainder of their date.

Chanyeol on the other hand, needs to figure this out.

After that night he can’t see his two teammates in the same light. It’s wrong. At least he thinks it’s wrong? What they’re doing is wrong, not only are they lying to everyone, but it’s also a sin, right? Maybe Chanyeol should go talk some sense into them. Or maybe he shouldn’t. It’s really none of his business. But wouldn’t that make him an enabler? Shouldn’t he save his friends from eternal damnation? Or something like that. He remembers the priest at his church rambling about stopping people who are living in sin.

Something just doesn’t add up. Before this, Chanyeol never really thought of a boy loving another boy, it was always a boy and a girl. One man and one woman. He’s not stupid, he knows gay people exist. That people who were...different, exist. It just never occurred to him that those people are close to him. And they are very different from what’s been described to him his whole life.

He was raised to believe that attraction to the same sex was unnatural, it was against god’s word. The way people described it to him was just how animalistic those people were, letting lust win over their lives and hence why they strayed away from the natural way of life. But Minho and Kibum are nice, they welcomed Chanyeol so warmly when he first joined the basketball team his freshman year. They’re not bad people, they’re normal teenage boys, just like him, just trying to get through highschool. They’re definitely not sinners driven by lust--

“Chanyeol?”

“Huh?” Chanyeol snaps out of his thoughts.

“You’ve been really quiet for a while now.” Baekhyun says on their walk home. “Your head looks like it's gonna explode any time now.”

It’s been a week since that day at the park and for some weird reason, Chanyeol’s still having a hard time wrapping his head around what happened. “I guess.” He says not quite looking at Baekhyun.

“Wanna talk about it?” Baekhyun leans forward, in an attempt to catch Chanyeol’s eyes.

“Don’t you have to meet Taeyeon or something?” Chanyeol says--or mumbles, really. The words come out a bit more accusatory than he’d planned. It almost sounds bitter.

“Yeah but I can cancel if you want, besides we haven’t hung out in awhile.” Baekhyun says casually, seemingly unaware of the change in Chanyeol's tone.

“We see each other every day. Like literally everyday.” Chanyeol reminds him again, with a small chuckle this time.

“Mostly to study, come on I haven’t kicked your ass in monopoly for like three months.”

Chanyeol wants to, he really wants to spend time with Baekhyun. He misses having game nights with Baekhyun. He misses being able to talk to Baekhyun about anything and everything that’s on his mind. He supposes he still can, but there’s just something different. He can’t really put his finger on it though.

“Just say you miss me.” Chanyeol teases.

Baekhyun scoffs but he doesn’t deny it. He instead says, “You never told me about your date with Seunghwan.”

It slightly catches Chanyeol off guard, but he did expect Baekhyun to bring up the subject sooner or later. It has been a week, but then again, Baekhyun neglected to mention his date and all of the dates after that for almost three months. “You never tell me about your dates, plural, with Taeyeon.”

“Because there’s nothing to tell. It’s mostly just us hanging out.”

“Have you kissed her?” Chanyeol blurts out. He swears, his mouth moves faster than his brain.

Baekhyun looks at him with wide eyes. “Uh yeah.” He says, after a few moments of silence.

Chanyeol feels an ugly churn in his stomach. This feels weirdly awkward, and he’s rarely ever awkward with Baekhyun. No, in fact it’s never been awkward between them. Not even during that weird phase when Baekhyun _insisted_ that he’s in love with Yoora.

Should he high five Baekhyun now? That’s what people do in these situations, right? But he really doesn’t feel like celebrating Baekhyun’s relationship milestone. “Ugh, you didn’t slobber all over her did you?” He says instead.

“No you fucker, I didn’t eat her face if that’s what you’re concerned about.” Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “You’re not even gonna high five me? What kind of a jock are you?”

“Stop saying I’m a jock.”

“You’re tall, brawny, on a sports team and girls drool over you. Pretty sure you’re a jock.” Baekhyun uses his shoulder to nudge Chanyeol.

“Girls don’t drool over me.” He argues. Why would girls drool over his lanky ass?

“They do. You’re just an idiot.” Baekhyun insists.

“Whatever. I’m not interested.” Chanyeol shrugs.

“I know I know, you have _the_ Son Seunghwan now.” Baekhyun smiles. But Chanyeol knows full well Seunghwan has nothing to do with why he has zero interest in girls and dating. “She’s cool.”

“How’d you even score a date with Taeyeon?” Chanyeol realized he’d never got around to asking Baekhyun.

“She saw me during choir practice and thought I was cute.”

“She needs glasses.”

“Fuck you.” Baekhyun laughs and shoves him.

Chanyeol forces out a laugh. “Anyway I gotta run, I have things to do.”

“Liar.” Chanyeol hears Baekhyun say before he walks away.

==

“Chanyeol isn’t it a bit late for you to have your emo phase?” Baekhyun says again, a few days later after he’d forced himself into Chanyeol’s bedroom and demanded that they spend some time together outside of studying.

“Fuck off.” Chanyeol says, trying to concentrate on his tetris game. He’s so close to beating his previous high score.

“You’re so broody. I’m surprised you’re not listening to goth rock in your free time.” Baekhyun leans towards him, resting his head on Chanyeol's shoulder. He’s been ‘helping’ Chanyeol with his tetris for the past half an hour now. Mostly just making offhanded comments and offering unsolicited advice about the game.

Which is ironic because Chanyeol can’t find it in himself to fucking concentrate on his game when he can smell Baekhyun’s hair every time he inhales. He internally freaks out because it shouldn’t be this weird. They’ve done this like a million times. Baekhyun has slept on his bed repeatedly ever since they were kids. So then why the fuck is Chanyeol so distracted by the way his best friend’s hair smells like strawberries?

“Can you stop that?” Chanyeol tries to gently nudge him away from his shoulder. “I’m trying to win.”

“Stop what?” Baekhyun looks up at him but then has the audacity to nuzzle his face to the side of Chanyeol’s arm.  
Chanyeol groans in defeat because there’s just no way in hell he’s going to beat his high score when Baekhyun, like always, seems to have no concept of personal space. And Chanyeol usually doesn’t mind as much, and would gladly just let Baekhyun do whatever he wants, but this is weirdly affecting him. It’s making him all nervous and warm and all gooey on the inside. It’s weird.

And it’s not just that. He’s become hyper aware of everything Baekhyun does, especially of how clingy Baekhyun really is. But it’s normal right? Baekhyun clings to Jongdae too. But Chanyeol just can’t help but feel there’s something a bit different about the way Baekhyun clings to him. There’s something different about the way he leans into Chanyeol’s touch whenever he playfully pats his best friend’s head. Or how he just clings more to him when it’s just the two of them.

It’s different. Something’s different.

And Chanyeol can’t figure out why.

After much contemplation, Chanyeol decides to talk to Minho. He’s never felt the same way ever since that day at the park, so maybe if he talks to his captain, then he’d finally be able to wrap his head around everything that’s going on.

Chanyeol approaches him after practice. Minho’s always the last one at the gym, so Chanyeol doesn’t have to worry about his other teammates eavesdropping on their conversation. "Minho hyung, can I talk to you for a bit?"

Minho looks at him, slightly surprised, probably because Chanyeol is usually the first one out the door. "Sure kiddo, what's up?"

Chanyeol bites his lower lip. He’s not sure how he can say this out loud without sounding invasive or even offensive. But he needs answers. He needs answers so he can wrap his head around everything or else he’ll go insane. "I, uh, I know this is none of my business but I saw you and Kibum hyung, the other night. At the park."

Minho’s smile falters, and he stays silent. And he slings his bag over his shoulder, then he shoves past Chanyeol.

“Wait!” Chanyeol says, chasing after him. "I just thought you should know--"

"Who else knows?" Minho turns around.

"Just me. I was passing through and I saw you guys." Chanyeol quickly explains.

"Look Chanyeol I know you mean well but if you're here to try and save me--"

"No I just thought I'd let you know.” Chanyeol cuts him off, and judging from the way Minho’s eyes go wide, it’s something that he didn’t expect. “I won't say anything, but if it were the others at the park that night, you know." Chanyeol adds and shrugs.

Minho frowns, and crosses his arms in front of his chest. "So you're not gonna go all evangelical on me here?"

"Nope."

"Aren't you religious or something?"

"What makes you say that?" Chanyeol has an idea, but he asks anyway.

"Perfect golden boy Park Chanyeol? Good grades, athletic, goes to church every sunday and bible study? And you’re Yoora’s brother, so you know, we all kinda assumed."

Chanyeol frowns. He wasn’t aware that people perceived him the same way as his sister. Yoora is _much_ more active at church than he was, and he knows that people in his school know that Yoora only listens to worship music but he didn’t think people would assume the same for him.

"You really didn't know?" Minho looks at him wide-eyed. "Even my mom loves you, always asking if I can set you up with my sister."

"Well I go to church yeah but it’s mostly because of my parents." Chanyeol says. He feels kinda bad for saying it out loud. Like he’d just committed a sin. But it’s something that crosses his mind every week, and he’s been trying to suppress it for years now and there’s really no point in denying it when it’s so obvious Chanyeol isn’t exactly the most devout christian in the bible. "I was just curious why you'd go for you know, another guy instead of a girl? So many girls look up to you." He decides to ask. And he seriously hopes that Minho doesn’t take it the wrong way because he really is trying to understand.

"It is what it is, I guess." Minho shrugs after a few moments of silence. "Never felt attracted to a girl once."

"But how'd you know you're into guys? I mean maybe you haven't found the right girl." Chanyeol blurts out, and he bites his own tongue when he realizes that what he just said is probably the worst thing to say to someone when talking about their sexuality.

Minho sighs. "Okay, describe what attraction is to me."

Chanyeol blinks in confusion. "What?"

"You must have felt attraction at some point in your life Chanyeol, you're a teenager. You have a girlfriend."

Oh yeah. He does technically have a girlfriend, not that he’d ever made it official that he and Seunghwan were dating but he guesses they’re a _thing_ now. “I think... I really like it when people have nice smelling hair. Like strawberries. Does that count?”

"Can you maybe give me something a little less creepy? But sure, it counts."

"Uh." Chanyeol didn’t realize that liking the smell of someone’s hair is creepy but it probably kinda is now that he’s said it out loud. It makes him sound like a budding serial killer.

"Have you ever felt like you wanted to always be with someone? Wherever they go?" Minho says before Chanyeol finishes his train of thought about how he might be a potential psychopath.

"I guess?" He shrugs. He doesn’t need to think too hard about this one. It’s something that he feels almost every day.

"What about liking the way they smile?"

Chanyeol nods. And just like that, he realizes that one person keeps conveniently popping up in his head.

“It’s those sort of things you know, it’s not always about tits, or legs--or anything physical really. Those things matter too but it is what it is.” Minho continues. “At least for me.”

Chanyeol nods again. And that person isn’t his ‘girlfriend’.

“Why so curious anyway? Always thought straight boys would beat me up if they ever found out, like in the movies.” Minho jokes.

“I--I’m just trying to understand.” Chanyeol forces out a small smile.

Minho puts a hand on Chanyeol’s shoulder. “You’re a good kid Chanyeol. I know it’s not exactly what you’ve been taught but, we’re people too. We don’t have an agenda.”

Chanyeol smiles a little wider. “Thanks hyung, you didn’t have to explain but you did.”

“Hey one less homophobe in school is exactly what we need. Congrats on getting together with Seunghwan by the way, you two look real good together.”

“Thanks.” Chanyeol’s surprised that a lot of people already knew that he and Seunghwan were together when they never even made it official. “You and Kibum hyung are really...sweet.” He tries, the image of two guys kissing is still way too weird for him.

Minho laughs, much to Chanyeol’s relief. “Good try kid.”

This is bad. This is very, _very_ bad.

And Chanyeol should have known better. It turns out, it wasn’t just him and Seunghwan in the cinema, a few other kids saw them and well, rumors do, in fact, spread faster than wildfire when you’re in high school. To make things even worse, nasty rumors about him _using_ Seunghwan started to circulate. People speculated that, except for that one date, they were never really seen together.

So people just assumed Chanyeol was somehow using Seunghwan. He wonders why can’t people just have common sense or mind their own business. He wasn’t even aware of the rumor until Jongdae yelled at a bunch of girls giggling in the hallway when they saw Seunghwan passing by Chanyeol’s locker. Baekhyun also flipped off and glared at a bunch of guys making _very_ inappropriate remarks about Seunghwan in the cafeteria where said girl is within earshot of the conversation. At least his two best friends know that he’d never do something like that to a girl, or anyone.

But the absolute worst part of it all is that Chanyeol has no idea how to deal with this--this whole teen drama bullshit. He just wants to get into a good school with his best friend and live his goddamn life.

God, he can’t even imagine how much of a nightmare it’s been for Seunghwan. He feels bad, like he’s partially responsible for the rumors, even though he knows he can’t control what people are saying. Seunghwan’s a smart girl, so he’s pretty sure that she’s not blaming him either. Rumors are always running rampant in highschool and that’s just how it’s always been. Pretty fucked up in Chanyeol’s opinion.

But still, he feels like he owes Seunghwan. So he takes her out again, offering to buy her some dinner at a pizza joint. And to his surprise Seunghwan agrees to go with him. This time around isn’t as awkward as it had been on their first date. Conversations were easier and time flew by faster too.

And before he knew it, he’s in front of Seunghwan’s porch, dropping her off. It would’ve been the perfect night, if not for the fact that Chanyeol’s palms are uncomfortably sweaty as we speak. Here’s the thing, he’s not sure if he should lean in and kiss her. It seems like it’s the natural thing to do? Isn’t that what people do in movies?

He was dead serious when he said he’s not equipped for this.

A voice in his head keeps saying that he should kiss her. Chanyeol likes Seunghwan. She’s pretty, she’s smart and they get along well. Chanyeol’s never felt this comfortable with a girl in his life, so that has to mean something right? So then why the fuck is he hesitating?

Seunghwan is still standing there, and she keeps making glances at Chanyeol’s lips. Even someone as dense as Chanyeol knows that she wants him to kiss her. Why is he making this more awkward than it should be? While that annoying voice in his head urges him on, he hears another voice, a smaller voice talking to him at the back of his head.

And it’s saying something that Chanyeol’s been too scared to admit for a while now.

So he goes in for a kiss, a soft and chaste one. Despite the kiss being a gentle peck, Chanyeol still freaks the fuck out. Some of it because it’s his first kiss. But mostly it’s because he felt nothing.

Chanyeol licks his lips and forces out a smile, even though he knows he doesn’t look anywhere near happy. And he knows Seunghwan can see the panic and dread in his eyes. He just hopes that she doesn’t take it personally. But right now, he needs to leave. So he turns on his heels the moment Seunghwan closes the door and sprints to his car.

Once inside the car, he takes a deep breath and rests his head on the steering wheel. Not long after, he feels his eyes stinging and his vision blurs. He laughs bitterly at the situation.

Because how the fuck is this fair?

Why is it that he’s the only one out of his two best friends that’s _different_? He’d heard Jongdae and Baekhyun talk about their first kiss, and it sounded just like how it should be. A little awkward, sweet but full of excitement. Something that sounds like it’s straight out of an eighties movie. Yet, it’s the exact opposite for Chanyeol. Who the fuck even cries after their first kiss?

Chanyeol wipes his eyes with his sleeve. It’s not fair how he’s always the odd one out. Always the weird kid who’s different.

Maybe it’s because it’s the wrong girl? He tries to argue with himself. No, he likes Seunghwan. She’s cool, she’s pretty and smart. Reminds him a lot of his own sister, and that’s when it hits him. He sees Seunghwan as his sister. Nothing more.

Fuck, he has a lot of stuff to figure out.

==

“Chanyeol honey, don’t bring your school work to dinner. You study so much already.” His mother reminds him.

Chanyeol rolls his eyes. It’s safe to say that he’s not in the best mood right now--no, he’s mood has been shit lately.

“Let him be, he’s trying to get into a good school.” His dad says.

In his defense, it’s been a pretty shit week at his school. And it’s hard to not be annoyed when the reason for said shit week is sitting right across him.

“Those schools are overrated.” Yoora says.

“That’s because you’re not smart enough to get in.” Chanyeol rolls his eyes.

“Watch it nerd.” She threatens, glaring at him.

“Chanyeol be nice to your sister. And Yoora’s right, there are plenty of schools out there, especially if they are pursuing art like she is.”

Growing up, Chanyeol’s one of those people that got along really well with their siblings. Sure they occasionally argue and fight but it never resorted to shouting or door slamming. It’s mostly just raised voices which is then followed by a silent apology. It’s not a secret that he loves Yoora and gets along with her.

So Chanyeol himself finds it weird that he feels an ugly churning in his stomach whenever his sister opens her mouth. He doesn’t know how to describe it, other than he’d expected better from her yet at the same time he’s disappointed when his expectations fall short.

“Didn’t you get called into the principal’s office because of your art?” Chanyeol adds, his blood boiling just at the thought of what had happened earlier. He swears he must’ve slammed his classroom door out of anger when he went home today.

“What happened?” His dad looked up sternly.

“Nothing. The teacher and a bunch of people in class just made a big deal out of nothing.” Yoora says, rolling her eyes.

Chanyeol has to bite his own tongue to prevent him from cursing in front of his parents. “Noona, you made a paper mache of a pregnant girl, pointing a gun to her stomach and calling it abortion.” He deadpans.

“So? It’s a statement, I think I should be able to express myself through my art.” Yoora says, her temper quickly rising.

This time, Chanyeol gapes at her. He really can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“Okay that’s enough, while I agree that Yoora should be able to create whatever she wants, but maybe go for something less intense next time.” His mother tries.

“I think Yoora’s statement is great.” His dad adds. “It’s an important subject for girls her age and she’s sending the right message.”

“See? People got upset over nothing.”

“How insensitive can you be?” Chanyeol says, his voice rising. He’s really trying his best not to scream at her. “Do you really think an art class is the place to make political statements?”

Yoora looks at him like he’s the one not making any sense. “Uh yes? And like dad said, I’m preventing girls my age from sin--”

“It may not have occurred to you but not everyone in our school have the same beliefs as we do--”

“Then we should save--”

Chanyeol stands up before Yoora finishes her sentence, picks up his books and walks away. He can’t do this with his family, not with what’s going on inside his head. Not with the stuff that he’s yet to figure out. “Chanyeol get back here or we’re grounding you for two weeks.” His dad reminds him and Chanyeol can’t find himself to care. It’s not like he’s in the mood to see anyone right now.

==

“Yeol you wanna grab a burger tomorrow and study?” Baekhyun approaches him while he’s on his way to basketball practice. He hasn’t talked to Baekhyun or Jongdae properly for a while now.

“Can’t I’m grounded.”

“Shit, what did you do?”

“Walked out of dinner.”

“That’s it?” Baekhyun says, unconvinced. He grabs Chanyeol's arm to stop him from walking. And Chanyeol flinches at the touch, he feels bad when he sees Baekhyun's seemingly surprised expression.

“Baek, do you believe half the things they say to us at church?” Chanyeol asks instead.

Baekhyun looks confused at the sudden question but then shrugs. “No, not really. I mean I think they have some great lessons but I don’t agree with _everything._ ” He says. “Besides, it makes mom happy whenever I can quote something from the Bible so that’s nice.”

Chanyeol nods. It’s not entirely too surprising that Baekhyun goes to church for his mom. “So you go to church just so you can quote stuff?”

“Oh get off your high horse, we all know you’re not exactly mister devout christian either.” Baekhyun laughs. “You do it to make your family happy, and so do I.”

Chanyeol wonders if that made both of them bad people.

“I’m grounded because I yelled at Yoora at dinner and stormed off.” He confesses.

“What happened?” Baekhyun grabs his chin, making Chanyeol face him. And for some reason, it makes Chanyeol's heart feel like it's gonna explode out of his chest.

“She did this thing with her art project, something about abortion.” He admits.

“Yikes.”

“I know.”

“It’s probably because there’s been a rumor about some girl, a senior, getting pregnant. Hwang Miyoung I think?” Baekhyun says.

Hwang Miyoung? Chanyeol knows her, her boyfriend is on the basketball team. And it’s a stupid rumor that’s not even true. And just like that, Chanyeol’s angry again.

Chanyeol heads straight towards Yoora’s room as soon as he gets home. “Noona, did you make that paper mache because of a rumor?” He immediately says after he barges into her room.

Yoora looks startled at first, but then rolls her eyes. “So what if I did?”

“How can you be so fucking cruel? The rumor wasn’t even true!”

“So what am I just supposed to stand around and enable this kind of behavior at my school?”

Was Yoora always like this? Was she always this irrational? “Uh yes? It’s none of your business!”

“I’m just trying to help those girls!”

“For the love of--imagine if it were true. What if she was pregnant and she had to sit there while listening to you going on and on about how she’s going to hell.”

“Because she is!”

“Chanyeol! Yoora! What’s with all the yelling?!” He hears his mother climbing up the stairs. And just as she reaches Yoora’s room, Chanyeol decides that he can’t look at his sister anymore.

“Nothing.” He storms off again and locks himself in his room. He reaches for his phone but right before he pushes the call, something stops him. He’s not entirely sure what, but he can’t bring himself to talk to Baekhyun right now. What if he calls at a bad time? It’s kind of ridiculous considering he knows Baekhyun won’t mind. But it’s different now. Chanyeol now realizes that Baekhyun’s life doesn’t revolve around him. Baekhyun has his own life, his family, his own problem, his own relationships that he has to deal with.

So he opts to just sit there alone with his thoughts, hoping that he’ll magically figure things out.

==

Chanyeol is lying in his bed, wondering why he'd basically stopped functioning as a human being when his best friend barges in to his room unannounced. Honestly, he's surprised his parents let him in when Chanyeol hasn't really been on his best behavior these days. But he supposes, Baekhyun does get special treatment from his parents. That's how much they love him.

"Ever heard of knocking?" Chanyeol says burying his face into his pillow.

"Why?" Baekhyun says and just a few seconds later, forces himself into Chanyeol's bed, obviously ignoring that they no longer can fit in a twin bed without being squished together.

"Baekhyun oh my god-- go away." Apparently his best friend has never heard of knocking, privacy _and_ personal space.

"I don't wanna, I haven't seen you in a week." Baekhyun says sprawling his limbs like a starfish on top of Chanyeol.

"What are you talking about? You see me at school every day for eight hours straight." He tries to argue. Not wanting to admit to the fact that he’d been purposely avoiding Baekhyun and pretty much everyone, family included, for the past week.

"Can we talk without being five inches from my face?"

Baekhyun gives up and sits up. “Hey, come on what’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Stop lying. I know something’s going on with you.” Baekhyun says, his voice more gentle. “You can talk to me about it.”

Chanyeol turns his head and faces Baekhyun. He can feel his heart beat a tiny bit faster when he sees his best friend, lying there with a soft smile. And probably a bit too close for Chanyeol’s liking.

“It’s just...It’s been a weird week.” He starts and Baekhyun nods, urging him to go on. “I just feel different? Like I’m placed here by mistake or something.” He says, trying his best to make sense without really admitting to anything.

“Well I’m glad they mistakenly put you here, or else I never would’ve met your sorry ass.” Baekhyun says and Chanyeol snorts. “Being different isn’t necessarily bad, you know.”

Chanyeol shifts so that he’s now lying on his back instead of his chest. “I don’t know, Baek. I just feel like I wanna run away from everything.”

“Okay, where?”

“I don’t know America?” It’s the first country that came to mind. “New York looks pretty cool.”

“Let’s go to New York then.” Baekhyun says casually.

“Right. Us and the millions that we have in our bank account.”

“Not now, I mean later." Baekhyun rolls his eyes. "Besides, you already promised me you’d go to New York with me.”

“Oh yeah I did.” Chanyeol forgot about that. He smiles a little at the fact that Baekhyun remembered a random conversation they had at the end of one summer, that he'd actually go with Chanyeol halfway across the world one day.

“I can’t believe you forgot. I’ve been saving up since last year.” Baekhyun pouts, probably without him realizing it and it makes Chanyeol smile even wider. “What happened to us exploring America together?”

“I’ll start tomorrow then.” He assures Baekhyun. He feels weirdly excited at the thought, just the two of them in a big unfamiliar city and an even bigger country. Baekhyun’s also extremely psyched at the idea, they both spend the next few hours discussing different ways to save money and googling tourist spots in New York. And they went on and on until Chanyeol turns to show Baekhyun a photo of an art gallery he'd found on google when he realizes that Baekhyun’s fallen asleep next to him.

Chanyeol sighs and smiles at the sight.

How is this fair? Chanyeol thinks. It’s a question that he’s been asking a lot lately. But seriously, how is this fair? How is it fair that he’s different from those around him? How is it fair that he’d been born into a family that probably would never accept him for being different? How is it fair that he feels like this? How could he have known that one day he’d wake up feeling like this. That he’d feel something _more_. He doesn’t know what it exactly is, but it’s something that he thinks he’s finally ready to accept.

Chanyeol hasn’t exactly spoken to Seunghwan after their awkward kiss, and he feels like he’s been an asshole that too caught up in his own problems to think about what he’d done to her. So he gives her a call, apologizing for leaving things the way he did. To his surprise, Seunghwan accepts his apology almost immediately.

“I really am sorry, ugh god I still can’t believe--” Chanyeol cringes at the memory.

“Hey, I told you it’s alright.” Seunghwan laughs. “I knew you had stuff to figure out. So I didn’t take it personally.”

“That obvious huh?” Chanyeol sighs.

“Kinda yeah. But we all have stuff we need to sort out.”

Chanyeol reaches what he thinks is his lowest point a few days after his phone call with Seunghwan. It’s hard to pinpoint when exactly a person’s lowest point in life, but Chanyeol’s pretty sure he’s never felt like shit as much as he does now.

"Smoking near a cram school in your uniform isn't a good idea." He hears someone say and for a moment, his heart jumps out of his chest in surprise. He sighs in relief when he realizes it’s just Kyungsoo.

For some reason Chanyeol doesn’t care that Kyungsoo’s caught him smoking so close near their hagwon. Like he said, it’s a bad idea. If it had been anyone else it would’ve gotten him in a shit load of trouble. "Oh hey, yeah I had a rough week."

Kyungsoo leans on the wall, standing right next to Chanyeol, hands in his pocket. "Didn't take you for a smoker."

"I'm not." Chanyeol admits. If anything he isn’t fond of smokers, the smell of smoke makes him dizzy. But people always seem to be more at ease after they smoke, and it is easier to get than alcohol when he’s still underaged, so he thought, why the hell not?

"What are you doing?" He says again after noticing that Kyungsoo isn't leaving.

"Standing just in case you wanna talk about it." He casually says, eyes as disinterested as ever, looking at the flickering street lamp right in front of them.

Chanyeol looks at him weirdly, not really knowing what to make of the situation. Some part of him thinks Kyungsoo is kinda messing with him, but he doesn’t seem to be the type to mess around. "I'm not depressed or stressed about the CSAT if that's what you're worried about, I mean I am but not too much." He starts.

"Then? Must be pretty bad if you're picking up a bad habit that'll stick for the rest of your life."

Chanyeol bites his lower lip. It's on the tip of Chanyeol's tongue, he just needs to say it. But fucking hell, saying it out loud is a lot harder than he’d thought it’ll ever be. Maybe it’s because saying things out loud makes them a little more real. And that he’d have to deal with it once he admits to it. But Chanyeol’s pretty much done with his own bullshit and he decides to fuck it all.

"I think I'm gay." He says in one breath, like he just ripped off a bandaid.

"Oh." Is all Kyungsoo says after a silence that lasted for less than ten seconds.

"That's it?" Chanyeol opens his eyes and looks at Kyungsoo in confusion.

Kyungsoo finally turns his head to face Chanyeol, and shrugs. "I don’t exactly care.”

Well, Chanyeol never did expect for Kyungsoo to care per se, considering how they barely know each other, “Wow. I expected a ‘get away from me fa--’”

“Seriously?” Kyungsoo frowns and cuts him off the moment he recognizes the slur.

Chanyeol shrugs, he’d expected Kyungsoo to be disgusted at him like he’d seen the people at his school using the word gay as some sort of derogatory slur. “That’s how they treat people at my school, pretty sure half of the bullied kids at my school aren’t even gay.”

“That’s why I don’t talk to half of the kids at my school.”

He’s relieved that Kyungsoo seems to genuinely doesn’t give a shit about that’ he’s gay, but he also can’t help but wonder what made him accept Chanyeol so easily. Maybe they’re the same? So he decides to ask, voice quiet and careful, “You’re also…?”

“No. But that doesn’t make me any different than you, we’re all humans.” Kyungsoo says casually.

“You’re so weird.” Chanyeol chuckles. Maybe he should give the human race the benefit of the doubt. Just because his school, and even his own family will reject him for being different, doesn’t mean that there won’t be people out there that’ll accept him--or in this case, not caring about Chanyeol being gay or straight or whatever.

“Any other baggage?” Kyungsoo says.

Chanyeol sighs, he’s already ripped off one band aid, might as well rip off another one. “I, I think I have feelings for my best friend.”

“And he’s straight?”

“Yep.” He stubs his cigarette with his foot.

“So you’re gonna suppress it until you graduate?”

Ha. If only that were true. “We’re planning on going to the same college.”

Kyungsoo frowns. "That's a pretty dumb plan. No offense.”

What else was Chanyeol supposed to do? It’s not like he’ll be able to leave Baekhyun behind. Not when he’s done nothing wrong, and Chanyeol doesn’t want to be the one to ruin their friendship because of his own messy feelings. “I know--I’ve just been avoiding him.”

“And he doesn’t notice?”

“Nope.” The fact that Baekhyun hasn’t noticed has bothered Chanyeol a bit, but he also thinks it’s for the best. Because if Baekhyun did notice then it’ll just be more questions that Chanyeol has to answer and he’s not ready to answer any questions from Baekhyun.

Talking to Kyungsoo was probably the best thing that happened to him in a long time now. He didn’t realize how talking to someone can lift so much burden off of his shoulders. Sure it doesn’t solve all of his problems but it’s nice to know that he now has someone to turn to.

Kinda.

Kyungsoo did say he didn’t care, but he did text Chanyeol the following day asking him if he’d felt better and then followed by a sports anime recommendation that’ll take his mind off things. Chanyeol isn’t convinced on how an anime about tennis is supposed to distract him but he did end up in an hour long conversation on how just about anything can be a tear jerker when it’s done right.

He didn’t even realize that he’s been spending less and less time with Baekhyun and Jongdae until they insisted that the three of them hangout. Like right now.

“What do you mean you can’t?” Jongdae whines. “We haven’t seen you outside of school in weeks. Come on man we miss you.”

Chanyeol chuckles because it’s not every day that Jongdae admits to missing his presence. “Can’t tonight, I promised I’ll go out for ramen with Kyungsoo.”

“Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun asks.

“You know Kyungsoo, my friend from cram school.”

“Oh right that Kyungsoo. I didn’t realize you were close.”

“I thought you said he was scary.” Jongdae adds. In fairness, Chanyeol did think Kyungsoo was scary for the first few months. But it wasn’t his fault that he’d mistakenly thought Kyungsoo was glaring at him that one time, it wasn’t until recently that he’d learned Kyungsoo had astigmatism, and he broke his glasses when they first met.

“Turns out he’s cool.” His budding friendship with Kyungsoo is something that he’d never expected but it’s nice. It’s really nice to be around someone and not having to pretend or hide.

In the following week, they did end up hanging out. And like expected they ended up watching reruns of Naruto, which none of them complained about, because let’s face it they’re all nerds.

“You know it’s hard to pay attention when I can’t hear what they’re saying over you stuffing your mouth with chips every two seconds.” Baekhyun jokes and steals the bag of chips from Chanyeol’s grip.

“It’s Naruto. Subbed. You don’t even need to hear them to understand.” Chanyeol rolls his eyes then his phone vibrates. And his chewing wasn't that loud, as proven by how Jongdae is sound asleep right next to him. “Hey Kyungsoo, what’s up?”

He can feel Baekhyun staring at him, before playing with his phone.

“Yeah I’m at Jongdae’s place. What? No, haven’t spoken to my sister since.” Ever since he told Kyungsoo that he’s not in any mood to be home these days, the latter occasionally checks up on him via random phone calls. Something about making sure that Chanyeol isn’t dead in a ditch somewhere.

“You and Yoora are fighting?” Baekhyun asks after the call.

And at that, Chanyeol realizes he might just have fucked up. “Uh yeah, it’s not a big deal.”

“You never told me this.” Baekhyun starts to frown.

“It’s basically the same fight we had during dinner, the one I told you about. It’s nothing.” He tears his gaze away from Baekhyun’s face back to the tv.

“But you guys aren’t speaking.” Baekhyun argues.

“I told you it’s nothing, that’s why I never brought it up.” Chanyeol lies, and he knows that Baekhyun doesn’t believe him. As much as he hates to admit, he and Yoora never fought like this. They banter but Chanyeol had never felt real anger towards his sister. But he couldn’t explain that to Baekhyun, he couldn’t explain the disappointment he’s feeling towards his entire family.

“Why are you guys being so loud?” Jongdae whines as he wakes up.

“I thought we were supposed to hangout tonight, why the fuck are you sleeping?” He hits Jongdae with a pillow.

“Didn’t mean to.” Jongdae laughs, and he picks up his phone to check his messages. “Oh hey, do you guys wanna go to Taemin’s party next week? Chungha’s asking.”

“I can’t, I promised Kyungsoo to hangout at his house.”

“All weekend?” Jongdae asks.

“Yeah. Study session then anime. The usual.” Chanyeol actually suggested that he’ll stay over at Kyungsoo’s house so that they’ll have more time for the anime instead of just studying. Not gonna lie, he half expected that Kyungsoo would flat out reject him but he is instead pleasantly surprised that Kyungsoo texted him later that same day to make sure he brings snacks.

“I can’t believe you’re ditching us for Kyungsoo, again.” Jongdae throws a pillow at him. “We barely see you these days, you’re weirdly like, I don’t know, never around. It’s not because of what happened with Seunghwan is it?”

“What about Seunghwan?” Chanyeol frowns.

“You’ve been really flaky ever since you guys broke up like a month ago?”

“You and Seunghwan broke up?” Baekhyun looks at him.

“You didn’t know?” Jongdae gapes at Baekhyun.

“How did you even find out?” Chanyeol buries his face in the pillow Jongdae previously threw at him.

“Chungha told me.”

“How come you never told me?”

Baekhyun and Jongdae say at the same time.

“I didn’t want to talk about it.” Chanyeol says, slightly defensive. To be fair, he was kinda hoping that he didn’t have to talk about it. Ever. "Besides, Seunghwan and I are on good terms."

Chanyeol glances at Baekhyun and he’s not sure what to say. It’s obvious that Baekhyun is upset that Chanyeol didn’t even bother to mention his break up but what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t explain that he broke up with his supposed girlfriend because he realized he didn’t like girls.

Unfortunately for Chanyeol neither Baekhyun nor Jongdae seemed convinced on why he kept quiet about his entire break up. Jongdae acted like it didn’t bother him but with the comments he’s been making about how ‘flaky’ and absent Chanyeol had been the past few months is enough evidence that the entire thing did upset him. And it’s even more obvious with Baekhyun.

It was hard to avoid Baekhyun but now it’s gotten a lot easier because Baekhyun seems to be the one avoiding him. And realizing that Baekhyun is avoiding him, makes Chanyeol miserable. A part of him thinks it’s for the best--it’s better to keep his distance until he can sort his feelings out but another part of him just misses his best friend. It must have been months since he actually had an honest conversation with Baekhyun. He hears from Jongdae that Baekhyun also broke up with Taeyeon, and it pisses Chanyeol off for a second until he realizes that Baekhyun isn’t obligated to tell him. Just like Chanyeol wasn’t obligated to tell Baekhyun about his break up. But it just feels weird--not telling important things to Baekhyun. It feels weird that Baekhyun isn’t sharing important life events with him. It feels like they’re barely even friends anymore.

And at that thought his stomach clenches. He’s losing Baekhyun. It’s kinda ironic how Chanyeol avoided Baekhyun in hopes that he won’t do anything stupid and scare him away and yet he’s the one pushing Baekhyun further and further.

But maybe it’s for the best.

  
Later that week, Chanyeol was in the middle of his second Prince of Tennis marathon with Kyungsoo when he received a phone call from Jongdae.

“Yeol, I think I need your help.” He hears Jongdae shout, loud music blasting in the background. Oh right, he must be at Taemin’s party.

“Jongdae? What happened?” Chanyeol sits up, alarmed. Kyungsoo who’s sitting next to him also sits up and looks at him with knitted eyebrows.

“It’s Baekhyun. He’s a bit--I think he drank a little too much. Can you help?” Jongdae says.

Drinking? He didn’t know there would be alcohol. But then Kyungsoo reminds him that it’s a high school party, he’d be surprised if someone _didn’t_ sneak in booze. But Baekhyun is usually the responsible one, he doesn’t even go to a lot of parties, so hearing him getting wasted to the point of almost blacking out baffles Chanyeol, to say the least.

So Chanyeol frantically looks for his car keys, apologizes to Kyungsoo who insisted that it wasn’t a big deal (and literally pushed him out the door), and he drives over to Taemin’s house.

Thankfully it didn’t take long for him to find Baekhyhun, because Jongdae is sitting with him on the porch--Baekhyun looking limp and leaning on Jongdae’s shoulder for support.

“Jesus, how much did he drink?” Is the first thing Chanyeol says as he cups Baekhyun’s face in his hands. Baekhyun’s mumbling something Chanyeol can’t quite make out, but he does hear something along the lines of _my ass feels like it’s on fire._

“I don’t know, I left him for like half an hour and next thing I knew he’s shitfaced.” Jongdae explains. “I’m really sorry I ruined your night, but I didn’t bring my car so I didn’t know how to get him home. And I can’t just put him in a cab and I can’t leave because I can’t leave Chungha alone at this kind of party--”

“Dude, chill out.” Chanyeol cuts him off. “It’s fine, I’m glad you called me.” Chanyeol pulls Baekhyun’s entire weight onto him, slinging one of the latter’s arm over his shoulder and carries him back to the car.

It takes a significant amount of struggling to drag Baekhyun all the way back to his car. His weight heavy and solid on Chanyeol’s shoulders as he tries to not fall when Baekhyun trips on his own feet a couple of times. Once he settles Baekhyun safely in the seat of his car, he hears the Baekhyun trying to say something but it comes out as a slurring.

Chanyeol chuckles lightly at the sight. “Idiot. How did you get so drunk?” And despite trying his hardest to not gently push away Baekhyun’s hair out of his face, he just can’t help it. “You don’t even go to parties.”

He earns a disgruntled grunt from Baekhyun, and when he suddenly grabs Chanyeol’s hand, Chanyeol feels like a deer caught in headlights and immediately regrets ever touching Baekhyun’s hair and--

“Why’re you avoiding me?” He hears Baekhyun mutter.

Chanyeol’s heart stops. “I’m not avoiding you.” He tries to pull his hand away so that he can actually drive but Baekhyun just tightens his grip.

“Mm’liar” He slurs.

“Let’s go home first yeah?” Chanyeol tries to pull his hand away again, which results in a whine from Baekhyun. It really doesn’t surprise Chanyeol that Baekhyun turns out to be a clingy drunk.

So Chanyeol ends up driving extra carefully with one hand. It’s also a relief that he’d gotten a lot of practice in driving because if driving with one hand isn’t hard enough for him, then driving with his other hand being held so tightly by Baekhyun definitely is.

With the state that Baekhyun is currently in, there’s no way that he can drive him back home. Baekhyun’s mother would undoubtedly freak out and then it’ll turn to this whole big thing. So he opts to just bring Baekhyun back to his house, at least until he sobers up. Thankfully, everyone in his house is asleep and Chanyeol somehow, by some divine miracle managed to help Baekhyun up the stairs and into his bedroom without waking anyone. He dragged Baekhyun while trying his best to maneuver both of them in the darkness of his house. But Baekhyun being the handful clingy drunk he is, tries to rub Chanyeol’s cheek several times with his nose, causing them to stumble right as they reach Chanyeol’s door, but Chanyeol’s firm hold on his waist manages to catch Baekhyun as he falls face first to Chanyeol’s floor.

Chanyeol hands him a paper bag because throwing up in the toilet will wake literally everyone in his house, and he’d rather not explain to his entire family why he’s home when he’s supposed to be at Kyungsoo’s and why Baekhyun is throwing up in their bathroom. It was a good three hours of Baekhyun lying lifelessly in his bed, before he heard disgruntled mumbling and then Baekhyun finally threw up into the paper bag. Chanyeol immediately gives him more water to help with the dehydration from the alcohol and Baekhyun looks like he’s slowly sobering up.

He still looks like shit and probably feels like shit too, but at least Baekhyun can stand on his own two feet now. Chanyeol is about to hand him some spare clothes that he can change into, when he realizes that Baekhyun’s staring at him.

He decides to ignore the fact that Baekhyun’s basically boring holes into his face and hands him over a t-shirt and pajama pants. “Here change into these then sleep.”

“You haven’t answered my question.” Baekhyun says.

“What are you--”

“Did I do something wrong? Chanyeol please just tell me.” Baekhyun pleads. And Chanyeol suddenly has a hard time looking at Baekhyun, especially when he can see how upset he is.

Chanyeol has half the mind to just say that Baekhyun’s too intoxicated to know what he’s saying, and probably convince him to go to sleep, but seeing his best friend with slumped shoulders, he couldn’t bring himself to lie anymore. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not you.” Chanyeol admits.

“Then what is it? And don’t say it’s nothing, Yeol.” Baekhyun says. “Not when you’ve been avoiding me for months now.”

“I never...I didn’t--”

“Didn’t think I’d notice?” Baekhyun says, his voice rising. “You didn’t think I’d realize that you never wanted to sit next to me anymore? How you turned on your feet the moment you saw me in the hallway? You don’t even look at me anymore.”

“I tried so hard to come up with reasons and what I might’ve done to piss you off so badly but I just--” Baekhyun continues when Chanyeol doesn’t speak. “I don’t know what I did so bad that you’d want me out of your life.”

Baekhyun sounds absolutely miserable and Chanyeol hates that he’s the cause of it. “I don’t want you out of my life.” He weakly says.

“Yeah? Because it feels like you do.” Baekhyun laughs bitterly. “Just tell me what I did, and then maybe I’d understand. I’m not gonna force you to be my friend if you don’t want to--”

“No. Fuck it’s not that--”

“Then what is it? Chanyeol just tell me, please.”

“I can’t. I can’t, I really can’t Baek.” Chanyeol finds himself shaking his head.

“What’s so bad that you can’t even tell me?” Baekhyun says softly this time, and he takes a step closer towards Chanyeol.

“No I can’t.” Chanyeol takes a step back and looks away. “You’ll hate me.”

“Chanyeol. Look at me, there’s nothing you can say that will make me hate you.” Baekhyun says. “But I’m not gonna force you if you really don’t want to.”

Chanyeol finally looks at Baekhyun. “I don’t hate you. And you did nothing wrong.” Chanyeol starts. “It’s just, I have a lot of things going on--and I know it sounds like bullshit but I’m just--”

“It’s okay, you can tell me when you’re ready.” Baekhyun smiles and finally takes the clothes in Chanyeol’s hands. “Knowing that you don’t hate me is enough for now.”

When Baekhyun goes to the bathroom to clean up, Chanyeol finally feels like he can breathe. He never expected that he’d affected Baekhyun so much, he didn’t realize that him keeping a distance between the two of them was making Baekhyun miserable. Maybe he underestimated just how much their friendship meant to Baekhyun. It’s easy to forget that Baekhyun also cares for Chanyeol when he always feels like he’s the one who expects more, and now the one wanting more out of their friendship.

His train of thought is cut short when Baekhyun comes back into his room, turns off the lights and plops right next to him on the bed. Neither of them say anything for a while, Chanyeol thought Baekhyun must’ve fallen asleep until--

“You know, I’ve been wondering a lot these days.” Baekhyun says.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, and there’s a lot of things I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

Chanyeol raises an eyebrow. “What about?”

“Yeol, we are best friends right?”

“Of course.”

“And no matter what happens we’ll stay friends?”

“Obviously, yeah.” Chanyeol frowns, not too sure where Baekhyun’s getting at.

“I know it’s stupid, but I really needed to hear that.” Baekhyun says. “I just wonder sometimes, how the fuck did I get so lucky and bumped into you that day when we were kids. You’re too good to me, half the time I think you’re too good to be true.” He chuckles.

“And don’t say anything weird, I’m embarrassed enough as it is. I just thought I’d let you know that I won’t let you push me away so easily. At least, not without a proper explanation--”

“I like you.” Chanyeol blurts out, his heart hammering in his chest. He can’t find it in himself to lie anymore, not to himself, and especially not to Baekhyun. Not when Baekhyun’s being so vulnerable and honest with him. And Chanyeol has this tiny bit of hope that their friendship can somehow survive this. It’ll be a fucking hell lot of heartbreak on his end but he knows, or mostly hopes, that they can go through this.

“Okay..? I like you too.”

“No, not like that.” Chanyeol groans and puts his pillow over his head so he doesn’t have to see Baekhyun’s face when he inevitably rejects him or worse be disgusted with him and end their friendship right then and there. “I like _like_ you.”

He can’t believe that he needs to explain this to Baekhyun. As if it wasn’t mortifying enough that he’s had to say it out loud twice now. “Like how I’m supposed to like Seunghwan, but I don’t like her that way...I like you instead.”

If Chanyeol thought he’d endured a lot of deafening and god awful silences in his life, this one has got to be the worse one. The silence that follows felt like hours to him and he’s kind of glad that he can’t see Baekhyun’s face and most importantly, Baekhyun can’t see _his_ face.

Then out of nowhere, he feels his pillow being pulled away from him. Which he retaliates by tightening his grip on the pillow.

“Chanyeol, come on don’t be ridiculous.” He hears Baekhyun say.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s ridiculous and it’s wrong and I totally get it if you don’t want to be friends with me anymore or if you’re grossed out--”

“I meant the pillow, you idiot.” Baekhyun tugs harshly and eventually pulls away Chanyeol’s pillow from his face.

Chanyeol tries to grab the pillow back but he forgets how strong Baekhyun is sometimes and he resorts to covering his face with the palm of his hands. He can physically feel the blush creeping up on his face, his ears must have turned bright scarlet by now.

“Do you hate me?” Chanyeol asks, barely above a whisper when Baekhyun doesn’t say anything. He must hate him.

“Open your eyes, you idiot.” He hears Baekhyun chuckle softly.

And Chanyeol eventually peeks at Baekhyun through his palms. Baekhyun is closer than he’d thought, and he’s looking at Chanyeol with the most gentle smile he’s ever seen on Baekhyun’s face.

“So like I was saying,” Baekhyun continues, ignoring Chanyeol’s question. “I’m not planning on letting you push me away without any solid explanation. Just the thought of you know, not having you around terrified me. And I started blaming myself for a lot of things, what I must’ve done wrong that made you so angry. I’m pretty sure I started making stuff up in my head--dumb stuff. But even then, I couldn’t figure out what I did.”

“Baek like I said, you didn’t do anything.”

“Then I thought, ‘oh no, he must’ve figured it out’. There wasn’t any other reason why you’d act so distant, like you wanted nothing to do with me.” Baekhyun pauses for a bit, biting his lower lip. “I really thought that, oh Chanyeol must have figured out that I have feelings for him and thought it was gross.”

What?

Chanyeol is pretty sure he heard that wrong because, what?

“It made perfect sense to me then. You didn’t want anything to do with me anymore because one, you must’ve figured out I like boys and two, I like _you_. I denied it at first, I made excuses that maybe you weren’t avoiding me, and that you were just busy with school and your girlfriend but then I still see you talking to Jongdae and you were obviously spending a lot of time with Kyungsoo. And last week, when I realized Kyungsoo knows more about you than I do, it made me feel lesser than dirt. Kinda.” Baekhyun smiles sadly, looking away from Chanyeol and up to the ceiling of his bedroom.

Chanyeol has a thousand things going through his head, and probably a million things that he wants to say, but he lets Baekhyun continue. “So I thought I’d do the both of us a favor and avoid you too. I really thought it’ll be easier that way. We all know that was a shit plan because I couldn’t bear not having you in my life, so I went to that party hoping that I’d forget you and your dumb face only to have you show up--”

Chanyeol laughs a little.

“And it made me wonder, so maybe Chanyeol isn’t disgusted with me after all. He wouldn’t have brought me to his house, carried me all the way to his room, giving me paper bags so I wouldn’t vomit all over his floor--so I must’ve gotten it all wrong.”

“You did get it all wrong.” Chanyeol says.

“So tell me if I’m right this time,” Baekhyun shifts to face him again, “Is it okay if I…” He trails off but it’s clear, even in the dim lighting, that Baekhyun is staring at his lips. And with his heart hammering in his chest, blood pumping in his ears, Chanyeol nods. He notices the way Baekhyun’s lashes flutters in delight and how his eyes slowly close as he leans in.

Chanyeol isn’t sure how his heart hasn’t popped out of his chest because he can feel it about to explode. The kiss is soft, and lasts only a heartbeat. Chanyeol’s eyes flutter open and he sees Baekhyun, impossibly close, and a tinge of red on his cheeks. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything more beautiful.

It’s so beautiful and endearing that he can’t help but be the one to lean in this time. And this time, the kiss is less gentle and a little more desperate. Chanyeol’s also a little freaked out when he realizes that he might’ve crashed their lips a little too aggressively but he relaxes when he feels Baekhyun smile into the kiss. And Chanyeol being the dork that he is, practically grins when he feels Baekhyun smile resulting in both of them pulling away, laughing.

It’s technically not his first kiss, but it feels like it is; it’s shy and sweet and does end up being kinda awkward. But he thinks it’s awkward in the best way possible, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. And it’s his first kiss with _Baekhyun_ , so it makes things so much more special.

==

Chanyeol wakes up with a loud knock from his mother telling him to go down for breakfast, and when he opens his eyes, he’s alone. There’s no sign of Baekhyhun in his room. He blinks a few times, eyes still heavy with sleep. Maybe everything had been a dream? Because it certainly felt like it was a dream. The best kind of dream but also the one that leaves Chanyeol depressed as soon as he realizes it’s not real.

He walks down the stairs and into the kitchen only to find out that his brain didn’t make shit up after all. Baekhyun is right there, sitting in his kitchen like he always does every time he sleeps over.

“Baekhyun.” He says eloquently.

“Why didn’t you tell me Baekhyun was staying over? I would’ve prepared more for breakfast.” His mom says as she lays down some pancakes on a plate.

“I ran into your mother while going to the bathroom.” Baekhyun says, smiling at him. It puts Chanyeol at ease, at least he thinks Baekhyun doesn’t regret what transpired last night.

Breakfast was painfully awkward, or maybe it was just Chanyeol that’s awkward and suddenly didn’t know how to function. Because Baekhyun is right there, and everything that happened last night isn’t a dream. And Baekhyun knows that Chanyeol likes him and by some miracle Baekhyun actually feels the same way. It still doesn’t feel real.

“Confused? Overwhelmed?” Baekhyun asks, once they finish breakfast and went back to Chanyeol’s bedroom

Chanyeol closes the door behind him. “You could say that, yeah.”

“At least you don’t have a hangover.” Baekhyun jokes, as he sits on Chanyeol’s bed. “Do you regret what happened?” He asks slowly, uncertain and completely unprepared to brush the subject.

“No. I don’t.” Chanyeol one hundred percent does _not_ regret kissing Baekhyun. “You?”

“No.” He chuckles when Chanyeol sighs in relief. “You really thought I’d regret what happened?”

“Um, well, I dunno. This still doesn’t feel real to me.” Chanyeol sits next to him on the bed.

Baekhyun cups Chanyeol’s cheeks and leans in for a soft peck. “What about now? Does this feel real?”

Chanyeol can feel his face heating up and he’s probably as red as a tomato right now, but he can’t find himself to care. “Maybe if you do it one more time? Just to be sure.”

Baekhyun hits him playfully but kisses him again anyway. “Cheeky. I like that.”

Chanyeol smiles back at him. “I never knew, you felt...the same way. I always thought you liked girls.”

“Funny. I thought you were straight too until last night.”

“In my defense, you dated my sister’s friend.”

“And you dated Seunghwan.” Baekhyun points out. “Did you date her because…?”

“I thought I liked her, or I could like her.” Chanyeol admits. “And I also felt a bit left out and annoyed that you and Jongdae had girlfriends and I didn’t. But looking back now I was just probably annoyed because you were dating someone else.”

Baekhyun chuckles. “You’re ridiculous. But I guess I’m guilty of the same thing. I asked Taeyeon out when I started realizing that I liked my best friend a little too much.”

Chanyeol shakes his head in amusement. So they were both idiots. He didn’t ask why Baekhyun never tried to tell him, because he already knew the answer--they were both scared shitless. Scared of their own feelings, scared of the way the world would react and most of all scared of how they might just lose the other. But Chanyeol can’t help but be overwhelmed that despite all of his worries, Baekhyun feels the same way as he does. He’s always thought of Baekhyun as someone that's too good to be true, like he couldn’t even ask for more when it comes to Baekhyun, having him as a friend should have been enough. But it wasn’t. It isn’t. So he pulls Baekhyun closer and buries his face in his hair and hopes that he can hug Baekhyun’s hangover away.

Nothing’s really changed after that, they have always spent a lot of time together so nobody really batted an eye when they snuck off somewhere alone. It’s the same, the same jokes, the same playful jabs, what’s different now is how Chanyeol feels like he’s on cloud nine.

If anything, they reverted back to how they used to be--just with a lot more secret knowing glances and kisses when they were alone. Jongdae was the first one to notice that they were acting like themselves again.

“I’m glad you guys aren’t fighting anymore. And don’t bother denying it, I won’t ask what it’s about. I’m just glad you guys made up.” He says as he slings over both of his arms around them, one over Baekhyun’s shoulder and one over Chanyeol’s shoulder.

And Chanyeol feels bad. He feels bad that he can’t tell Jongdae about what really happened with him and Baekhyun. They both decided that it’s for the best, there’s just too much at stake now. And if he and Baekhyun had doubts about their decision, all of their doubts disappeared along with some faith in humanity when Minho and Kibum got outted to their entire school.

It was horrible. Apparently one of his own teammates spotted Minho and Kibum together and took _photos_ of them, and if that wasn't enough invasion of privacy, he posted them on facebook for all of their school to see, probably not just their school, but also their families. Thinking about it makes Chanyeol sick to his stomach. One of the cruelest things you can do to a person is to make them admit to something that they’re clearly not ready to, and worse if you make fun of them for it, ridicule them, turn their entire world on its axis. It was supposed to be Minho and Kibum’s decision to make, it was their life.

Seeing how people reacted to the news was horrifying. Seeing his own sister’s reaction was probably the cherry on top experience of the whole thing. He could hear Yoora talking to her friend on her phone about how disgusting Minho was and couldn’t believe she was friends with a _homosexual_. She says the word with so much venom and disgust.

To top it all off, a little bit of Chanyeol dies when he hears Jongdae’s take on the matter. Although not as bad as Yoora’s reaction, it was enough to convince Chanyeol that Jongdae might not accept him _and_ Baekhyun for who they really are. It was only something along the lines of _Can you believe they’re gay? Poor dudes, I hope they get help soon._

And Chanyeol doesn’t hate Jongdae for what he said. It upset him, sure. But he understands. He’s also been taught that you’re supposed to help people who are gay, but not in the right way--not by accepting them, but helping them by ridiculing them until they see that what they are doing is wrong. That their lifestyle is wrong. Jongdae isn’t particularly religious, but even in non-religious households their society still lives with conservative values that won’t change in an instant. And Chanyeol understands that. He understands that, but he just wants to get the fuck out of this hell hole as soon as he can.

“What’s wrong?” Baekhyun asks when he notices Chanyeol isn’t writing anything on his math homework but instead is just glaring holes into it.

“I’m just bummed out. It’s unfair how we have to hide like this. I just wish we could just live normally without...you know?”

“Being sent to conversion therapy?”

“Yeah.” Chanyeol says with a laugh, but there isn’t really any humor in his voice. Just a lot of sadness and anger.

“I hate it too.” Baekhyun says with a sad smile, shoulders slumped. “I don’t like lying to my mom, but if I tell her I’m pretty sure she’ll kick me out.”

“Your mom loves you, she wouldn’t do that.” Chanyeol tries to convince himself that Baekhyun’s mother, the incredible independent woman, who put so much on hold so that she can raise her two sons, wouldn’t do that. But deep down Chanyeol knows better.

Baekhyun shrugs. “Right. And she didn’t refuse to serve the nice lesbian couple at the diner last month.”

Chanyeol sighs and tries to solve his math problem in comfortable silence. And when he thinks he’s finally got it right, he shoves his notebook on top of Baekhyun’s. He knows he got it right when Baekhyun grins and launches himself into Chanyeol’s lap to kiss him.

“I can’t believe we get to do this now.” Chanyeol says, a little breathless.

“Do what?” Baekhyun replies in between kisses.

“Make out every time I get a question right.” Chanyeol thinks it’s the best idea that they ever came up with.

“Then stop getting every single one of them right.”

“Can’t help it, you’re an amazing teacher.”

“Ugh I think we need to come up with a more effective way to study, we’re spending more time making out than actually studying.” Baekhyun says as he pulls away. Crinkles form in his eyes when he sees Chanyeol’s pout.

“And you’re complaining because?”

“Because you said you’re behind and I don’t wanna see you pulling your own hair out during the exam.”

“Ugh, you’re right.” While the method is...effective. It’s not the most efficient way to study because more often than not, he just finds himself kissing Baekhyun instead of actually studying. But he can’t help it when Baekhyun’s right there, sitting so close to him being all brainy and hot. Chanyeol is only a teenage boy and there's only so much he can handle before he cracks.

Senior year went by so fast that Chanyeol swears that the entire year felt like a month. One long month where everything that wasn’t the CSATs didn’t matter. Both he and Baekhyun worked their asses off for the exam and finally, the dreaded yet anticipated exam day is finally upon them.

“How’d you do?” Chanyeol says, walking lifelessly out of the classroom. He’s never felt so tired yet so, so relieved at the same time before.

“I’m just glad it’s over.” Baekhyun says, just as lifeless.

“I don’t wanna think about it. Let’s just get out of here.” Jongdae says before either of them had the chance to speak. And the three of them decide to go eat at the nearest barbecue place because they deserve some goddamn meat after going through hell. After a few pieces of meat, they do get around on talking about how the exams went for each of them. Chanyeol’s relieved that Baekhyun and Jongdae both thought they did okay. Like okay enough to pass but not too sure if they’ll get into good universities.

But Jongdae, bless him, doesn’t exactly care. Unlike Chanyeol and Baekhyun, he decides that he’s not going to college, or at least not yet. “So you both are still going to SNU?”

“If we both get in.” Chanyeol says. At this point he’ll be glad if he can get into a good school. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up with wishful thinking that he and Baekhyun can live out their fairy tales at SNU like he originally planned.

“That’s so not fair. I’m the odd one out here.” Jongdae whines, chewing his meat.

“I thought you wanted to take a gap year, travel the world and all that?” Baekhyun asks.

“Yeah but I’m gonna miss not having your dumbasses around.” Jongdae admits. Chanyeol laughs and he turns to look at Baekhyun who’s mirroring his smile. Truth to be told, he’ll miss not having Jongdae around too. It’ll be weird not having someone offering unsolicited comments about everything and whining every two seconds. Jongdae has his flaws, but at the end of the day, he’s a good friend. Good company. Someone who Chanyeol hopes will stick around for a long time.

“But you’ll have plenty of Chungha.” Chanyeol points out. He’s also kind of jealous of Jongdae in some ways. It’s hard to not be jealous when Jongdae has so much freedom to do whatever he wants. He and Chungha had been saving up for almost their entire highschool life for this trip, and with a little help from both of their parents, they can finally back pack around the world in their gap year. Chanyeol wishes that he had that freedom, to just take a gap year and travel with Baekhyun.

Maybe they’ll finally go to New York, and take lovey dovey photos that’ll disgust all of their friends for all the right reasons. Chanyeol’s been keeping his part of the promise and has been saving up for their New York trip ever since Baekhyun told him to. The money’s nowhere near enough right now but maybe they can finally go after college.

But for now he’s glad that he’ll have so much more free time that he can just spend with Baekhyun. It doesn’t have to be New York for now, as long as Baekhyun’s there with him he’s perfectly content and can’t ask for more. And things were perfect for a while, Chanyeol has his hand full with Baekhyun and takes up a part time job at the diner to help Baekhyun and his mom, and also for the extra cash. For a while, everything was perfect.

That is until universities start sending out acceptance emails.

When he and Baekhyun both receive emails from SNU, he _freaks the fuck out_. This is everything he’s been working so hard towards. What if he doesn’t get in? What if he ends up in different schools with Baekhyun?

“Whatever happens, it’s gonna be okay.” Baekhyun says, sitting next to him, his own laptop resting on his lap.

“Yeah, we both did our best. Even if we don’t get in, it’s not the end of the world.” Chanyeol stares at his inbox. Even if they don’t get into the same school, they’ll still be in the same city. They’ll just live and attend different universities. But Chanyeol’s worked so fucking hard for this and--

“Okay let’s just get this over with.” Baekhyun says, breaking him away from his thoughts.

Chanyeol takes a deep breath, and clicks on the unread email. With his heart hammering in his chest, he skims through the email at lightning speed. He swears he’s never read anything so fast in his life. His eyes dart around the screen, looking for that sentence and when his eyes catch _congratulations_ he can physically feel his already large eyes bulge, and when he sees the sentence _we are pleased to announce your admission his heart soars._

“I got in.” He says softly, his eyes still on the email. Then he turns to Baekhyun, finding it hard to breathe. Baekhyun must have gotten in too, right? If his dumbass can get in then Baekhyun must be a shoo-in. But what if he doesn’t? What if this is one of those things where the universe decides to flip them off and Baekhyun is the one who doesn’t get into his dream school? No, that can’t happen, Chanyeol won’t accept that. Baekhyun’s worked so hard to get into this school, to score so fucking high in his exams in between his shifts at the diner, if anyone deserves to get into SNU it’s not Chanyeol, it’s--

“Me too.” Baekhyun says, a smile slowly forming on his face. He then faces Chanyeol with a grin so wide that it reminds him of the time he first met Baekhyun, it’s a smile so wide and bright that Chanyeol thinks it rivals the sun.

“Hey why are you crying?” He says, laughter in his voice. He wipes Chanyeol’s cheeks gently with his hands.

Chanyeol laughs with him and he leans into Baekhyun’s touch. It’s overwhelming, after years of studying, and waiting for this day to come. And it’s finally here. _They’re_ finally here. Well, they’re almost there, they still have their graduation in front of them. But now he feels like the weight has been lifted off of his shoulder, and the whole world is right there, in front of them. And he can’t wait to step out of his house into the big scary world with Baekhyun by his side.

His highschool graduation was a bittersweet moment. At one end, he’s so glad he’s finally done with highschool, he can’t wait to leave the nest, chase after his dreams and all that. Most of all he can’t wait until he’s free--free from the guilt of having to lie and hide from the people around him. After a whole year of just sneaking around and feeling like he has no privacy even behind the closed doors of his bedroom, he’s looking forward to being in college where at least he won’t have to be worried about his sister hearing him through the thin wall of their house.

It’s also bittersweet because he loves his family, like he always had, but he can’t help but feel like he’s never been more distant than they are now. Ever since that fight he had with Yoora, things were different. The fight made Chanyeol realize that his family will never accept him for who he is, not his sister, not his mother and especially not his father. There is a reason why Yoora is the way she is, strong beliefs in certain ideologies don't just _happen_ \--it’s what has been taught to her all of her life. Chanyeol knows because the same thing was taught to him. And his parents were probably taught the same thing by his grandparents. And Chanyeol can’t really hate them for it, he doesn’t resent his family. He really thought he did, he was sure he hated his sister for a while, but then he knew it wasn’t hate that he was feeling. Because he comes to realize that things aren’t always as black and white.

He knows for a fact that his family aren’t bad people. They’re loving, caring and generous people. They’re flawed, just like every other human out there. And he’s sad. He’s not angry. He’s just sad. He’s sad because even if his family is kind, he also knows that people don’t change their beliefs in one night. Some can’t even live with the idea of changing their beliefs. So the best thing for him to do right now is just to keep his distance. It won’t hurt them if they don’t know, it won’t hurt them if he’s distant to begin with. It won’t hurt him as much when his family inevitably rejects him for who he is.


	2. Chapter 2

Chanyeol drives past his old campus. He hates it whenever he has to go through this area, if anything he goes the extra mile, literally, to not drive past this area. But today’s his birthday and it just seemed fitting for him to revisit the place where he buried his memories about him from so long ago. Gosh, how many years has it been now? Three? Four? He looks around and nothing’s really changed. He catches a glimpse of his old dorm building’s roof, and the cafe he frequented back in the day was still there, right across the sidewalk from the main gate. Both those places Chanyeol keeps close to his heart. After all, how can you forget the places where you said the words I love you for the first and last time?

==

Much to his disappointment, his roommate in college isn’t Baekhyun, instead it’s some younger kid called Kim Jongin. However, his disappointment didn’t last long once he realized that Jongin isn’t some snooty smart kid who managed to get into college early, but he’s actually clueless about pretty much everything and anything. Okay, maybe not everything, Jongin’s pretty damn good at biochemistry and all that, but he’s pretty helpless with everything else (the kid felt like he was flying after one can of beer). So Chanyeol, feeling like the big brother that he is, quickly took him under his wing.

Baekhyun, on the other hand, ends up rooming with Kyungsoo. Yes, the same Kyungsoo that Chanyeol bonded with during his time in cram school. Chanyeol was ecstatic when Baekhyun told him.

_‘My roommate is some dude called Do Kyungsoo, is that…?’_

_‘No way. Fuck, no way?!’_

_‘I feel like I should be worried you’re this excited about another guy…’_

He did keep in contact with Kyungsoo after cram school but they were both too busy with their own school work to hang out as often as they used to, so the last time he heard from the guy was when Kyungsoo told him the good news of being accepted to both Yonsei and SNU. And Chanyeol always thought Kyungsoo would go for Yonsei, like he originally planned. But he guesses that Kyungsoo changed his mind for some reason, and he couldn’t be more happy about it.

Just a few days after settling in on campus, he decides to surprise Kyungsoo by letting himself into his dorm room (using Baekhyun’s keys). It might have been a bit creepy but when he saw the way Kyungsoo’s eyes bulged when the latter spotted him, Chanyeol thinks there’s no better way to greet his friend.

“Chanyeol? What are you doing in my room?” Kyungsoo says, now squinting at Chanyeol. He’s just stepped out of the shower so he isn’t wearing his glasses. 

“I’m here to see your roommate, and you.”

“You know Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo says, heading over towards his desk where his glasses are. He puts them on and yet he still squints at Chanyeol in suspicion. 

Chanyeol grins. “Yeah we’re pretty close.” 

It doesn’t happen often but Chanyeol finds himself surprised when Kyungsoo smiles at him. A big smile, the kind where his heart shaped lips aren’t hiding his teeth. A smile that he flashes at the end of Chanyeol’s long story on how he finally got here, and how he made peace with himself and somehow ended up with everything he’s ever wanted. Chanyeol can see that Kyungsoo is genuinely happy for him when he pats Chanyeol on the back, although to be honest he at least expected a hug from Kyungsoo but he’ll take this for now.

The best thing about the entire thing is that Chanyeol doesn’t have to hide as much. Despite being away from home, he and Baekhyun agreed to keep their relationship as lowkey as possible. Maybe it’s because of what they’d gone through in high school, or maybe it’s just internalized fear of being ostracized by their peers, but they both didn’t want to ruin a fresh start. It’s not perfect, he’s not as free as he wants to be but it’s paradise compared to their stuffy life back home. 

They didn’t need to sneak around as much anymore. Although Chanyeol feels like Kyungsoo is getting more and more annoyed at being sexiled every so often from his own dorm, but it’s just so, so hard to keep his hands off of his boyfriend when he’s right there, being gorgeous and funny and his own personal sunshine. It’s also nice that Jongin isn’t particularly nosy about his personal life even though Chanyeol is one of those annoying friends that insists on setting Jongin up with different people.

Jongdae, the good man that he is, despite being halfway across the world by now, sends him and Baekhyun daily updates. It started as pictures, but as Baekhyun demanded more photos and videos so that he can live vicariously through Jongdae and Chungha, Jongdae decided to upload his travel videos on youtube. His videos are funny and even edited sometimes so that it’ll be more entertaining when Baekhyun and Chanyeol eventually watch it.

Jongdae’s a natural when talking to the camera, his voice is naturally loud, he’s bright and warm, and he’s just fun to watch. So fucking fun that Chanyeol swears he saw Kyungsoo glancing at his laptop multiple times whenever he watches his videos in Baekhyun’s room, even though he says he’s _studying_. And apparently a lot of people agree with him, he soon notices that the subscribers on Jongdae’s channel went from only three (three being Chungha, Baekhyun and Chanyeol himself) to almost a hundred thousand in six months.

And the more Jongdae uploads videos of his travels, the faster his subscriber count grows. By the end of Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s freshman year, Jongdae’s subscriber count reached a million subscribers.

“I can’t believe our best friend is a youtuber.” Baekhyun says, grinning as they both watch Jongdae’s latest vlog in New Zealand. On the screen, Jongdae is currently going on and on about how he’ll do an unboxing of his gold play button as soon as he’s back in Seoul.

“I know right. Who would’ve thought.” Chanyeol replies. But it’s perfect, he thinks. He can see the genuine enthusiasm Jongdae puts into his content, and he’s sure that Jongdae’s viewers can see it too. 

Jongdae surprises both him and Baekhyun when he announces that he’ll be moving into an apartment near SNU once he comes back from his year-long trip. When Baekhyun says that he’s wasting money and he should just use all those sweet ad revenue money on buying a house instead, Jongdae says, “I can buy a house when I’m an adult, right now I just wanna live near my best buds.”

And even after Baekhyun deadpans that he _is_ an adult, Jongdae still moves into the apartment complex nearby anyway. He hangs around their campus a lot too. Even suggesting the idea that he’ll make a vlog about pretending to be a student at SNU, which thankfully Baekhyun managed to talk him out of. So instead, he vlogs his daily life with his friends, who just happen to go to SNU.

Not much else happens during their freshman year, and for once, Chanyeol feels like everything’s finally fallen into place; other than the fact that he’s attending his dream school, he’s ecstatic when he learns that Kyungsoo and Baekhyun _actually_ get along. He didn’t expect much considering how they’re basically polar opposites of each other, but one night, Chanyeol falls asleep on Baekhyun’s lap after a particularly long study session for their final exam and he wakes up to Baekhyun and Kyungsoo talking quietly. 

He could hear the soft laugh in Kyungsoo’s voice as Baekhyun goes on and on about how great his brother is, and how sometimes it becomes a burden to him having to keep up with someone like Baekbeom. And to his surprise, Chanyeol hears Kyungsoo hums in understanding, that he too feels the same pressure from his own family of renowned doctors. It’s hard for Chanyeol not to smile when the two people he cares so deeply for, also care for each other, and take care of each other. Chanyeol tries his hardest to fall back asleep, not wanting to eavesdrop on Baekhyun and Kyungsoo’s conversation, and with the gentle caress of Baekhyun’s palm on his hair, he eventually does fall back into slumber.

As Baekhyun and Kyungsoo grew closer, it only took a short couple of months before Jongdae insisted that he needed to hangout with Kyungsoo too. So all five of them went out to get chicken and beer, yes _five_ , because Chanyeol decided that Jongin was stressing too much about his course load and needed a break. It doesn’t help that Jongin is _extremely_ shy at first, not that he’s afraid to talk to people or anything, he’s just not the type to strike up a conversation first. Kinda like how Chanyeol was when he was a kid.

Jongin was reluctant at first, saying that he _doesn’t want to eat with Baekhyun hyung’s roommate because he’s scary_. Something about how Kyungsoo glared at him when they didn’t even know each other, and Chanyeol recalls fondly how he had thought of the exact same thing when he first met Kyungsoo. So he pats Jongin on the back, gives him a long lecture on how he shouldn’t judge a book by its cover and drags him out with the promise of free chicken.

And Jongin couldn’t possibly resist free chicken.

Over dinner, Chanyeol whispers to Baekhyun about how Kyungsoo’s astigmatism manages to scare away yet another person and Baekhyun snorts mid drink, causing him to choke a little on his beer. Jongin is proven wrong however, when he sees Kyungsoo talking to Jongdae with genuine curiosity on what it’s like to be a youtuber, and then turns his attention to Jongin to make sure that he doesn’t feel left out.

It’s funny because after that particular evening, Jongin and Kyungsoo became almost inseparable. All five of them became almost inseparable and their freshman year ended in the best way possible. Almost.

The way the year ended was perfect, sure. But oh boy, the last few months leading up to his exams was probably Chanyeol’s own personal hell. His personal hell is also apparently live real-time entertainment for his friends, and even his _beloved_ boyfriend.

Now the thing about keeping his relationship with Baekhyun a secret from almost everyone, especially their families, makes his mother think that Chanyeol’s too focused on his studies and that he’ll somehow end up alone, which is ridiculous because he’s barely even twenty. So she sets him up with daughters of family friends as often as she could, which translates to literally every week.

“Why are you laughing? Isn’t this bothering you?” Chanyeol says when Baekhyun starts snickering. Surely, under normal circumstances, this kind of thing should bother him. What boyfriend would be completely fine with his partner going around on blind dates every other week?

“It’s just like your mom,” he says, eyes on his phone, engrossed in a mobile game yet again. ”You know she means well.”

Yeah he does, he knows his mother means well. Always thinking that she knows best, when really she doesn’t know her own son enough to know what’s best for him. Not that it’s entirely her fault. “This is just a bit much though. C’mon Kyungsoo, back me up here.”

“You can always tell her that you’re not interested.” Kyungsoo says, not even lifting his gaze from his book.

“Unless I tell her that I’m not interested _in_ girls instead of _the_ girls, she won't listen.” Chanyeol sighs. “Forget it, maybe if I go on enough of these, she’ll get the idea.” Or he hopes that she’ll run out of girls to set him up with. 

But he knows his mother--she’s a lovely woman. She’s kind to everyone, hence she’s friends with literally everyone. Pretty sure she’s still in contact with some of the parents of Chanyeol’s kindergarten classmates, which means an endless list of girls for her to introduce to Chanyeol.

But something good did come out of those hellish blind dates. It’s probably one of the best things that ever happened in Chanyeol’s life. Not the actual date, god no--the date was probably the worst one out of all the blind dates he’d been forced into. It was something else that happened because of the date. Chanyeol just wonders why it happened the way it did.

But looking back now, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Chanyeol has nothing against religious girls, or religious people in general, but it does get annoying and a bit much when they start being _preachy_. And this girl, as sweet and nice as she looks, is too fucking preachy. It reminds him too much of his sister, and everything he wanted to leave behind at home. He has half the mind to excuse himself to the bathroom and find a way to escape the cafe they were in, but considering he is six feet tall, escaping through a cramped bathroom window wasn’t exactly practical nor realistic.

He mentally pats himself on the back for deciding that they should meet at the cafe right across from the campus building. Because one, he didn’t have to sit in his car awkwardly making small talk while he drives, and two, it’ll be a whole lot easier if he decides he wants to bail. He’d sent an SOS text to Baekhyun, and after almost an hour of silence and an irritated huff, Chanyeol sent a text to Kyungsoo.

But it looks like his friends decided to abandon him in the worst possible time and at the same time too, because after realizing that Kyungsoo is also ignoring him, Jongdae and Jongin also decided to disappear from the face of the earth. Okay, maybe they didn’t abandon him and they all were busy or something, but Baekhyun usually responds to him as soon as he can, even if it was just a ‘ _wait i’m busy_ ’ text. And this time, Kyungsoo who usually at least leaves him on read after a few minutes, doesn’t even read his goddamn messages. No one is even reading their group chat, and Chanyeol’s already spammed like a hundred crying stickers in the past hour.

So he tries his hardest not to sigh and just continues to stare at the glass of smoothie in front of him. He nods when he needs to, and smiles politely so he doesn’t offend the girl and suddenly, he hears a voice that he’d recognize anywhere. A loud voice. And no, it’s not Baekhyun--it’s actually Jongdae. Chanyeol looks up in the direction of Jongdae’s voice, and finds him in the entrance of the cafe, with Baekhyun beside him. Both of them look furious.

Jongdae points towards Chanyeol, and Baekhyun, who is visibly upset, stomps towards him. And before he knows it Baekhyun is right in front of him, eyebrows furrowed, lips forming an angry scowl and he harshly grabs the collar of Chanyeol’s shirt.

Chanyeol hasn’t seen Baekhyun this furious since that time a kid tried to shove Chanyeol into a locker in middle school, and what happened afterwards was not at all pretty. Baekhyun punched the kid so hard that he almost got suspended, but luckily there was enough evidence to show that he was only defending Chanyeol. So he ended up with only a few months of detention.

But Chanyeol’s never been the one to be on the receiving end of Baekhyun’s glare, Baekhyun has grabbed his collar before, sure, but not like _this_. And a million things start to go through Chanyeol’s mind all at once--it’s obvious that Baekhyun is upset, and is upset _at_ him. The thing is, Chanyeol can’t figure out why. 

Maybe the blind dates did upset Baekhyun after all, even if he brushed it off as nothing, but that doesn’t sound at all like Baekhyun, and he sure as hell won’t be acting out like this. Baekhyun’s always been pretty vocal about what bothers him and what doesn’t, especially when it comes to stuff like this. If anything, it’s usually Chanyeol who needs to be coaxed into admitting that he’s upset--

“There you are you little fuck.” Baekhyun says through gritted teeth.

Chanyeol feels his eyes grow impossibly wide, because what the fuck is going on? He glances at his date and she’s understandably just as confused and shaken. He looks back at Baekhyun when the latter shoves him back a little only for Baekhyun to raise his right fist, seemingly about to aim for a punch. A punch that Chanyeol knows is strong enough to probably knock out a tooth.

But Baekhyun wouldn’t punch him, right? He wouldn’t. Even if he does look a hundred percent serious right now with his fist already in the air, but just as Baekhyun is about to bash Chanyeol’s face in, a hand grabs Baekhyun’s wrist.

“Hyung what the fuck?! Stop!” The owner of the hand says, pulling Baekhyun back, causing him to let go of Chanyeol. He doesn’t recognize the guy, he’s a lot taller than Baekhyun but still shorter than himself. The guy has strong and defined eyebrows, and has that look that people call as the ‘city chic’ look or something.

“Let go off me Sehun!” Baekhyun says, yanking his arm off of Sehun’s grip. “Do you have any idea what this scumbag did?” His tone is a bit more dramatic than what Chanyeol’s used to. He’s seen Baekhyun angry and upset plenty of times, but never once he’s heard Baekhyun speak this way.

Chanyeol frowns, opens his mouth to speak but can’t really figure out what to say in this situation because he’s still doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. 

“He fucked my sister, got her pregnant and tossed her aside!”

“Oh my god--” Chanyeol wants to crawl into a hole, but as there were no holes in sight, he resorts to slumping into the booth as he tries to make sense of what’s happening. He’s got a pretty good idea on what’s going on but still, _what the fuck._

His date didn't even say a word and immediately scrambles for her purse and walks towards the door. But of course, she does so after shooting Chanyeol with the most degrading and disgusted look he's ever seen in his life.

As soon as the girl was out the door, Baekhyun sat down at the spot in front of Chanyeol, with a grin on his annoyingly cute face. The other guy--Sehun--also sits next to Baekhyun and has the audacity to eat the fries from his date’s plate.

Chanyeol buries his face into his hands and groans. “What the hell is wrong with you?! What was that?!”

“You said you wanted out of the date and I was bored so--”

“Decided to act out a scene from a soap opera?! Oh my god, what if she tells my parents? They’re gonna think I knocked up your sister.”

“Chanyeol I don’t have a sister.” Baekhyun deadpans.

“Just say you were pranked.” Sehun chips in, still munching on the fries that Chanyeol paid for.

“I’m sorry but who are you?” Chanyeol says, exasperated.

“Sehun, I work here.” He points to his name tag, and only then Chanyeol notices that Sehun is indeed wearing a uniform.

“One of the kids I’ve been tutoring.” Baekhyun adds. Oh right, Baekhyun did say he’s been tutoring some high school kids to help them get into SNU. It’s not a bad side hustle, considering that they are saving up for New York.

“We have video evidence if your parents want proof. Jongdae hyung recorded the whole thing.” Sehun says. “But he left at the same time your date did, something about being scared of you choking him to death if you found out.”

He swears to god if Jongdae uploads this into his goddamn channel as a prank video, Chanyeol _will_ choke him. Because one, he can’t stand prank videos on youtube, and two, he’s not too keen on other people seeing him being all wide eyed and confused and overall looking like a complete idiot.

“I need to lie down.” He can already feel a headache coming.

“And I need to get back to my shift, so I can actually pay Baekhyun hyung for the tutoring.” Sehun stands up, nods at the two of them and goes back to the counter.

“I’m sorry. You sounded so miserable so I thought I’d surprise you.” Baekhyun says, after a few moments of silence between them. Chanyeol looks at him and the small apologetic smile on his face, and let’s just say he melts faster than ice cream on a hot summer day.

He just can’t stay mad at Baekhyun, he’s been upset at him plenty of times but never long enough for it to turn into a fight. Especially when Baekhyun is usually the first one to cave and apologize to him with a small smile.

Chanyeol sighs, and rolls his eyes. Which prompts a small chuckle from Baekhyun, who probably takes it as a sign that Chanyeol isn’t upset at him. “If you wanted her to flee like she did you could’ve just told her I was gay.”

“True, but where’s the fun in that? Besides, I’ve always wanted to reenact this scene--”

“You’ve been watching too many dramas.”

“I think you’re right.” Baekhyun nods with a laugh. “C’mon let’s get you some pancakes.”

“Bribing me with food after almost giving me a heart attack.” Chanyeol tries to scowl but he knows it comes out as a pathetic pout instead.

“Don’t be dramatic.”

“Really? _I’m_ the dramatic one?” Baekhyun really still had the _audacity_ to say such things after what he’d just pulled not more than fifteen minutes ago.

“Have you met yourself?”

Okay maybe they’re both dramatic sometimes, but at least when Chanyeol’s being dramatic he does it unintentionally and in _private_ , away from other people--yes other people, and other students, who they might have class with.

“You know,” Chanyeol starts while he munches on his chocolate chip pancakes, “I think I should give you a heart attack. See how you like it.”

Baekhyun isn’t exactly the most easy to surprise, sure he gets surprised when he and Jongdae surprises him on his birthday and he was certainly surprised that Chanyeol liked him as more than friends way back when. But overall he’s just too smart and too perceptive for his own good. 

It’s unfair how Baekhyun always expects things to happen and is somehow always prepared for the worst case scenario--Chanyeol’s referring to that time when he brought extra clothes to school on his birthday because he has somehow figured out that Jongdae will try and push him into the school swimming pool.

But there is one thing that Chanyeol feels like he has an advantage over Baekhyun.

People say that between the two of them, Chanyeol’s always the easier one to read, and he has to admit that he indeed wears his heart on his sleeve. Baekhyun on the other hand, isn’t as good with expressing what he feels, and oftentimes he keeps it inside, always waiting and waiting for the right moment--which can take months or even years and he’ll eventually explode.

Chanyeol doubts himself for a second, because what if this goes horribly for _him_? Like sure, it’s fun to see Baekhyun go into panic mode considering what he’d just done but there’s always that tiny _tiny_ possibility of Chanyeol messing this up for both of them.

Baekhyun scoffs, and rightfully so, because after so many years of being stuck with Chanyeol, he’s probably an open book to Baekhyun. “I’d love to see you try--”

“I love you.” Chanyeol says, in one breath. His heart is now beating at five times its normal speed and his dumbass can’t even look at Baekhyun, which is ridiculous because he’s supposed to be the one making Baekhyun all shy not the other way around.

“What?” He hears Baekhyun say.

“I said,” he takes a deep breath, “I love you.”

It’s something that he’s wanted to say for a while now, probably from the day he’d confessed to Baekhyun, or maybe even before that. He doesn’t want to be all cheesy and make people cringe but it’s true when he says that there was never a time that he didn’t love Baekhyun, just a time that he didn’t know he did.

And he never planned it to say it like this, out in the open, in a relatively small and quiet cafe right across the school. When he’d imagined it, some form of grand gesture was always involved--like on top of the empire state building in New York, Baekhyun standing in front of him, probably wearing one of Chanyeol’s clothes, because he has probably stolen every single one of his hoodies at this point (not that Chanyeol minds), looking up at him all confused. But as cliche as it is, Chanyeol doesn’t mind, what he does mind is waiting for, perhaps, another ten years before he and Baekhyun can actually fly to New York. 

When Chanyeol finally looks at Baekhyun, he looks so flabbergasted. And it makes Chanyeol break into a grin, mostly because he’s amused. Although his palms are still kinda sweaty because Baekhyun hasn’t exactly said anything, but him not running away is already a good sign, right?

“Surprise?” Chanyeol says again and Baekhyun finally snaps out of his trance, looking everywhere except at Chanyeol. And Chanyeol’s smile grows just a tiny bit wider at the sight, it’s so endearing when Baekhyun’s shy, it doesn’t happen very often but when it does, it’s the most adorable thing in the world.

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” Baekhyun shakes his head in disbelief, looking down at his pancakes. “Oh my god.”

Chanyeol never expected for Baekhyun to say it back right away--or at all, if he’s honest. Despite being together for nearly two years now, it still doesn’t feel real to him how he just gets to love Baekhyun, it doesn’t feel real that he can just push him against the door of his dorm while he continues to kiss him senseless as he gently leads him towards his bed.

None of this feels like it’s real, like everything’s just too good to be true. But then again, Chanyeol has always felt like Baekhyun’s too good to be true.

It definitely doesn’t feel real when Baekhyun says it back to him that very night. It’s quite a sight really, Baekhyun relaxed and giggly in his post-coital state, mumbling sweet nothings into Chanyeol’s lips as he kisses him lazily. He’s kinda glad that he’s always ogling at Baekhyun right after he’s had his orgasm because like he said, it’s one hell of a sight, but he’s especially grateful tonight because he doesn’t miss the way Baekhyun says “ _I love you too._ ” into his mouth.

==

Chanyeol fucking blinks and suddenly he’s already halfway into his second year of university, with his exams right in front of him. And if he’d told his younger self that he had somehow _willingly_ chosen to major in finance, his thirteen-year-old self would’ve kneed him in the balls. In his defense, while it may not be the most exciting thing in the world, majoring and getting a job in finance does pay well, and Chanyeol’s developed this weird obsession with the stock market over the years thanks to Kyungsoo, so he thinks that it won’t be that horrible for him. 

Plus there’s nothing wrong with being realistic, sure some people can choose to chase after their dreams and thrive--like Jongin, his roommate switched majors from biochemistry to performing arts halfway into their first year and Chanyeol thinks that’s absolutely perfect. Considering how Jongin loves to dance more than anything else, like literally the guy would either be watching dance videos at two am or he’d be hurting himself by hitting his bedpost trying to pull of a twirl on a saturday afternoon (once he even lost his balance and fell on top of Chanyeol who was minding his own goddamn business), changing majors was probably the best decision that he’d made that year.

It took some time before he was comfortable about performing in front of other people, but what can he say? Jongin is a fucking natural when it comes to dancing and performing. A lot of people doubted him when he wanted to try and switch into performing arts but he put together a piece so mind-blowingly beautiful that Chanyeol’s pretty sure the performing arts department were begging him to switch by the end of it.

Maybe he’s exaggerating or maybe he’s just extremely proud of his friend, who knows? Jongin did eventually find a way to deal with his stage fright in two different ways, one both Chanyeol and Baekhyun _needed_ to be at his performances, at least performances where it has more than ten people in the audience, and he strictly emphasized that it doesn’t have to be both, but seeing just one of their dumb faces and even dumber grins would help him through his performance, just as long as they both don’t act embarrassing.

And two, he needs to show his routines to Kyungsoo before he performs. Jongin has grown much closer to Kyungsoo over the last few months and is comfortable enough to show Kyungsoo his pieces before he shows literally anyone else. When he was asked why he’d picked Kyungsoo, who’s probably the harshest critic among the three of them, Jongin just shrugs and says that Kyungsoo’s brutal honesty is something that he needs to know if the piece is actually good or not. And Chanyeol supposes that’s true, he’s always turned to Kyungsoo when he needs an honest opinion on something, the man never sugar coats, and despite him not saying it, Chanyeol knows it’s out of love.

So yeah, it’s great that Jongin is slowly but surely paving a path for himself towards a future doing something that he truly loves and is passionate about, while Chanyeol’s perfectly comfortable with his boring degree.

But like any other college student in the world, as much as Chanyeol wants to be realistic, he’s not exactly taking the most realistic approach on how he should study for his upcoming exams. He really thought that it had been a good idea to call over Baekhyun to keep him company while Jongin’s in the studio, and that is how he ends up with a lapful of Baekhyun.

“Stop fucking tickling me I’m trying to win.”

“Then get off my lap.”

“You said I was distant.”

Chanyeol admits he has been pouting more than usual, but can you blame him when Baekhyun’s been ignoring him for the past hour for a stupid game. “What I meant was you’ve been ignoring me because you’re too busy with overwatch.”

“You can always play with me.”

And under normal circumstances, Chanyeol would love to, “Sehun banned me, something about how I’m too much of a competitive asshole.” Yes Sehun, Oh Sehun, the part time worker at the cafe that he and Baekhyun frequents, insisted that whenever he and Baekhyun are playing Overwatch together, Chanyeol’s not allowed to be in the same match.

Sehun managed to get himself accepted into SNU’s engineering program just like Baekhyun, not that Chanyeol’s surprised, because he did have Baekhyun as a tutor. And Chanyeol might just be a little bit biased but he thinks Baekhyun’s fucking amazing at teaching, he kinda thinks that he also owes Baekhyun for getting _him_ into SNU. It also doesn’t surprise him that Sehun’s a bit of a brat with how mischievous he was during that cafe incident that Chanyeol would rather not discuss. It also felt natural for him to be integrated into their small friend group when he starts hanging out with Jongin too.

“That’s because you are.” Baekhyun laughs, eyes still glued to his laptop.

He tries tickling Baekhyun again and just as he’s about to get elbowed by him, he playfully slaps Baekhyun’s ass--in a non-sexual way, of course, he’s not that much of a perv.

He starts giggling when Baekhyhun yelps a bit. “Stop! I’m gonna lose.” He says, clearly flustered that Chanyeol just slapped his fucking ass mid-game.

“Pay attention to me.” Chanyeol buries his face in the crook of Baekhyun’s neck from behind, tightening his hold on Baekhyun’s waist.

“Are you seriously acting all cute so I’ll pay attention to your dick?” Baekhyun says with laughter in his voice, probably exasperated at how needy and clingy Chanyeol’s being right now.

Chanyeol laughs with him, kinda accepting the fact that he’s dating someone who’s addicted to games, so he should accept that being ignored is a part of the package, but he doesn’t mind. He settles his chin on Baekhyun’s neck and continues to watch him play, instead of actually studying like he’d originally planned, but it’s all worth it when Baekhyun _finally_ wins and falls back into Chanyeol with a big satisfied grin on his face, so it was only natural for Chanyeol to give him a quick congratulatory kiss, only to be pushed away literally seconds after their lips touched.

“You need to study.” Baekhyun says, clearly aware that Chanyeol hasn’t so much as touched his textbooks.

Chanyeol pouts again for probably the tenth time that night, “I can study later.”

And Baekhyun smiles at him, almost like he’s gonna give in and finally pay attention to his poor boyfriend that he’s ignored for so long, when suddenly, Chanyeol’s phone vibrates.

When his mom’s name pops up on the screen, Chanyeol feels a sense of dread forming. The last call he’d gotten from his mom was an unpleasant one, he’s been scolded because it appears that the news of Chanyeol knocking up Baekhyun’s (non-existent) sister finally reached his mom, who is furious that Chanyeol and his friends messed up--in his mother’s words; a perfectly good date and a potential wife.

To say that he’s been less than enthusiastic to keep in touch with his family afterwards would be an understatement, and he probably would’ve kept his distance if not for Baekhyun constantly reminding him that his mother means well and that she’s just looking out for her son. It’s also hard to argue against Baekhyun when he reminds him that despite what he thinks will happen in the future, his parents have supported him all his life, unconditionally he might add, and that they’re not gonna be there forever. He almost wants to say that it’s easy for Baekhyun because he doesn’t have a crazy sibling and his relationship with his family never really changed like it did for Chanyeol. But at the end of the day, he knows Baekhyun’s right, so he does text his parents from time to time, just a quick text, letting them know that he’s not dead in a ditch somewhere.

“Something wrong?” Baekhyun says at the end of Chanyeol’s phone call with his mom.

“No, she just wants me to go with dad to the hospital.” 

“Oh, is he alright?”

Ever since Chanyeol’s gotten into university, his dad’s health hasn’t exactly been the best. It’s definitely not something that’s too serious or life threatening, but high blood pressure is serious enough that it’ll stick with his dad for the rest of his life. In Chanyeol’s mind, he thinks that by him staying away from home, keeping his distance and avoiding potential fights, it’ll help his dad’s health by a tiny bit, but Baekhyun thinks it’s a horrible idea and that Chanyeol’s gonna regret it. And Baekhyun’s probably right, he’s always right about these things because he just always seems to know what’s best for Chanyeol.

“Yeah, you know just the usual check up.” Chanyeol puts his phone back on his desk and crawls back next to Baekhyun. “You wanna come with? I’m sure dad would love to see you.”

Baekhyun smiles, although a bit sadly. “No. It’s just--it’ll be kinda weird.”

Chanyeol understands. The last time he saw Baekbeom and Baekhyun’s mom when they visited, he wasn’t able to look them in the eye. And it’s sad, because he knows Baekhyun loves Chanyeol’s family like they’re his own. 

They might be done with all the sneaking around, but the guilt of hiding and lying from the people he loves never really goes away. He knows that it’s something that Baekhyun feels too.

And it’s not just his family, it’s his friends too. After seeing how Jongdae had reacted way back in high school, both he and Baekhyun never really gathered enough courage to tell anyone else but Kyungsoo. It’s just scary to think that they might be rejected by the closest people in their lives, the same feeling that he feels when he thinks of his family. The only difference is, people tell you that you can choose your friends, that you can just leave those who are toxic and find better friends who’ll accept you for who you are, but it’s much easier said than done isn’t it? Once you find yourself comfortable with a certain number of people, or even a close group of friends, you kinda hope that they’ll stay that way and stay with you for the rest of your life.

“Lot on your mind, hyung?” Jongin says one night, he’s sitting on his bed laptop on his lap, probably watching a Broadway performance when he notices Chanyeol’s been staring at their ceiling for a good hour now.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Wanna talk about it?” Jongin takes off his earphones and shuts his laptop, setting them aside.

“Nah, I’ll bore you.”

“I’m already bored.” Jongin insists, now standing directly next to Chanyeol’s bed and is motioning for him to scooch over, and when Chanyeol doesn’t budge Jongin kinda just forces himself into the bed--nevermind that they’re both over six feet tall, and that Chanyeol’s bed is a _single_ bed.

Chanyeol sighs, having Jongin literally squeezed in next to him and looking at him with expectant eyes through his dumb glasses that Chanyeol’s sure he doesn’t even need half the time, is kinda making it hard for him not to cave. “Relationship problems,” he admits.

“I didn’t know you were seeing someone.” Jongin frowns.

Chanyeol shrugs, and lies through his teeth right after. “We’re not exactly public and it’s nothing too serious.”

Jongin nods in understanding, at least he thinks Jongin understands. It’s the only lie Chanyeol could come up with to cover up the fact that he’d failed to mention to his own roommate that he’s in a relationship. “So you in a fight or something?” Jongin asks, a few seconds later.

“No, it’s nothing like that.” Chanyeol starts. “It’s just--it’s just whenever I feel like or at least hope that we can finally move forward, I just feel like it’s never gonna work out. I don’t know.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Parents.”

“Yours? Or hers?”

“Both. And you can’t really turn your back on family.” Blood is thicker than water, even if they make you feel like shit.

“Sounds pretty serious to me.” Jongin nudges Chanyeol’s shoulder with his own, in an attempt to lighten the mood. “I’m sure you can work it out somehow. I’m sure she’s a person worth fighting for.”

“Yeah.” He definitely is.

Sometimes it’s the little things that do the most damage, Chanyeol thinks. Sure, constantly lying to his family about something so big is definitely hard, but lying to his friends is ten times that. 

The thing about loved ones is that they will always be the people that you take for granted the most. It’s what Chanyeol came to understand as he goes to his dad’s check ups more and more, that even with the feeling of guilt and dread of realizing that his days with his parents won’t last forever, he just can’t find it in him to make things go back to the way it used to be.

Baekhyun must’ve sensed the change in Chanyeol’s overall mood and demeanor over the past few days because he suddenly showed up one night with cookies in hand. And Chanyeol can’t really pinpoint if it was the cookies or Baekhyun that lifted his mood, because both were exactly what he’d needed.

Chanyeol has planned on talking to Baekhyun about what’s bothering him because surely, there’s no one that understands this better than Baekhyun. It’s not a good feeling, having this constant fear of one day having to choose over family and each other, but it is something that they’ll have to face sooner or later.

It ends up being much, much later before Chanyeol can even bring up the subject to Baekhyun because what happens next changed the course of their lives.

And it’s unfair how the world can just rip someone away from you without a moment’s notice, no matter how much you think you’ve prepared, no matter how many times you go to sleep thinking that you’re living without any regrets but then, you’ll have the rug pulled from under you.

None of them expected for someone so young to go so quickly, they always say the best people are the first ones to go back to heaven--and Chanyeol thinks that it’s complete bullshit. He refuses to believe that there’s a silver lining to something as awful as a sudden passing of a loved one, there’s absolutely no silver lining when Baekhyun loses his brother without even a chance of saying goodbye.

Baekhyun first hears the news through a phone call on a mundane Tuesday night, Chanyeol’s right beside him then, so he hears the hysterical crying coming from the other line through the speakers of Baekhyun’s phone. Chanyeol looks at him alarmed, then he glances at Kyungsoo who’s sitting across from him at his own bed, and he too looked surprised.

“Mom, slow down I can’t understand what you’re--” Baekhyun says before he pauses. And Chanyeol sees the way his breathing stopped for a moment, and right after that, Baekhyun seems to forget how to breathe all together.

“What happened?” Chanyeol asks as Baekhyun ends his phone call.

Baekhyun doesn’t quite look at him, eyes still glued to the screen of his phone and he tightens the grip on his phone so hard that his hands start to tremble. Chanyeol has half the mind to reach for Baekhyun’s hand to calm him down but his heart shatters when Baekhyun says, “My b-brother’s dead. Plane crash.”

Chanyeol can physically feel his heart drop to his stomach. Baekbeom can’t be dead. He just can’t be. He can’t be dead because he had just visited Baekhyun not more than three months ago, he’d bought him and all of his friends beef in celebration of his promotion at work. He can’t be dead because he’d just ruffled Chanyeol’s hair, saying how ridiculously tall he’s become.

He can’t be dead because he’s Baekbeom, Byun Baekbeom, Baekhyun’s older brother, who still has his whole life in front of him.

Chanyeol can’t find himself to say anything in that moment, and for once it’s Kyungsoo who breaks the silence, “I’m...I’m really sorry Baekhyun.” He quietly says, to which he earns a lifeless nod from Baekhyun.

Then Baekhyun abruptly stands up from his bed and grabs his coat from the hanger near the door, Chanyeol quickly stands up too when he realizes that Baekhyun’s about to head out.

“Baek wait--”

“No--don’t follow me, please.” Baekhyun says quietly. “I--I need some time alone.” He turns towards Chanyeol with a sad smile and Chanyeol nods in response, he’s not really in any position to argue with Baekhyun. If he needs space, then Chanyeol will give him all the space he needs.

The thought of Baekbeom being gone finally hits Chanyeol not long after Baekhyun left, and he breaks down into tears on Kyungsoo’s bed. He may not have been family but he was someone that Chanyeol also grew up with, someone Chanyeol had looked up to, someone who Chanyeol thought was quite possibly the coolest person on earth at one point in his life. And now, that person’s gone, just like that. It hurts so fucking much because he did--no, he does consider Baekbeom almost like an extention of his family, an older brother that he never had.

Then as he sobs into his own hand, he feels a soft pat on his head which he then realizes is Kyungsoo’s attempt at comforting him. “It’s gonna be okay, Chanyeol.” He hears Kyungsoo say. “You’re both going to be okay.”

Chanyeol falls asleep in Baekhyun’s bed to the thought of just how badly Baekhyun’s hurting right now, if Chanyeol is feeling like he’d just been punched in the stomach, then he can’t imagine what Baekhyun must’ve felt when he heard the news. And he hates that he can’t be there for Baekhyun.

He’s stirred awake by the door of the room opening, and Chanyeol peers one eye open, expecting to find Kyungsoo walking into the bathroom but is instead met with Baekhyun. Chanyeol quickly moves to make room for Baekhyun and the latter quickly lies down next to him.

He’s hesitant at first, but when Baekhyun shifts closer into Chanyeol’s chest, he finally wraps his arm around the smaller. He kisses the top of Baekhyun’s head and says, “I’m sorry I dozed off on your bed.”

He hears Baekhyun chuckle a bit. “I don’t mind.” He says, tightening his grip on Chanyeol’s shirt. “I’m glad you stayed.” Baekhyun’s voice trembles and cracks a bit when he says it.

Chanyeol immediately feels his eyes watering at the sound of Baekhyun being so miserable. “I’ll stay as long as you need me to.”

==

The next few weeks that follows were horrible. It was hard to watch Baekhyun and his mother plan a funeral, and it was even harder watching Baekhyun’s mother break out into hysterical sobs at the actual funeral.

And Chanyeol hasn’t even seen Baekhyun cry once since he’s heard the news. It’s so obvious to him that he’s trying to be strong for his mother, now that his brother’s passed, Chanyeol knows that Baekhyun feels that he needs to keep it together and take care of his mother.

And in that moment, Chanyeol makes a promise to himself that he’ll be strong for Baekhyun too--he’ll be the one taking care of Baekhyun, he’s going to stop crying and he’ll stay by Baekhyun’s side until him and his mom are back on their feet again.

In the weeks following the funeral, Baekhyun goes home a lot more often than usual to keep his mother company. And his mother, the sweet lady that she is, insists that Chanyeol also tags along. She likes having Chanyeol around, she says it brings back a lot of good memories from when he and Baekhyun were children, and Chanyeol smiles at the comment. She really doesn’t deserve what happened to her, no parent should experience the loss of their own child.

When dealing with the loss of a loved one and grief in general it’s understandable that classes and assignments were the last thing on their minds, and Chanyeol knows this. He hasn’t seen Baekhyun touch his books in the past week, and he’s been missing a lot of classes too. And Chanyeol doesn’t have the heart to voice his concern, not when Baekhyun’s still so vulnerable.

So he does what he can, and by that he approaches Baekhyun’s classmate, Kim Junmyeon, who’s notorious for being the smartest in the class. And luckily for him, Junmyeon likes Baekhyun enough to make extra notes of what he had missed these past few weeks so that it’ll be easier for him to revise later on. 

“I like Baekhyun, he’s loud and I swear he does things with the sole purpose of annoying me half to death, but class isn’t the same without him.” When Junmyeon hands him the notes, Chanyeol can’t resist the urge but to pull him into a big bone crushing hug and Junmyeon hugs back with a grandpa-like laugh.

When Chanyeol surprises Baekhyun with the notes, he doesn’t miss the way his eye lights up for the first time in weeks. “You did all this for me?” He asks as he eyes the thick notebook in his hands.

“Technically, Junmyeon-hyung did.”

“Junmyeon? He did this?” Baekhyun raises an eyebrow, unconvinced.

“Yeah, he says class isn’t the same without you.” Chanyeol smiles. “And I did promise I’ll buy him a thank you coffee.”

Baekhyun shakes his head, looking thoroughly amused. “I can’t believe you went through all that trouble for me.”

“Of course I’ll do this for you. I care about you.” Chanyeol shrugs.

Baekhyun suddenly darts his eyes away from Chanyeol. “You’re too good to me. I swear, sometimes I think I don’t deserve--”

“Stop!” Chanyeol shushes him, putting a hand over Baekhyun’s mouth. “Ever since we were kids, you’ve always looked out for me, and I’m merely returning the favor.”

And Chanyeol grins when he feels Baekhyun’s lips forming a smile under his palm.

Later that day, Chanyeol agrees to go visit Baekhyun’s mother with him. He thinks that this is the best he’s felt so far ever since Baekbeom’s death and he wants to share some of that positivity with Baekhyun’s mother, the person who probably needs it the most.

So they both went to Baekhyun house, Chanyeol even insisted on bringing the chocolate chip cookies Baekhyun once got for him. And when Baekhyun’s mom says she loves it, he breaks into a huge smile, even if that smile doesn’t last for too long.

“You’re too sweet to me, Chanyeol.” She says.

“What are you saying? You’ve fed me so much when we were young, I should at least try and return the favor.” Chanyeol jokes.

“No, you’re definitely a blessing to this family, you’ve done so much for us, and not just these past few weeks--but ever since you and Baekhyunnie became friends.”

The compliment makes Chanyeol happy but it also makes him a little uneasy, something about receiving such heartfelt compliments from Baekhyun’s mother just doesn’t sit right with him. At least, not with everything he’s hiding from her.

“And I can’t believe how much you’ve grown.” She continues. “You must be popular at school, a dependable young man like you.”

Chanyeol is definitely uncomfortable now, he knows where this conversation is going but he doesn’t have the heart to stop her, not when she hasn’t looked this excited to talk in weeks.

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“No. I’m not really interested in dating right now.” He lies through his teeth, and it’s hard. Lying to his family was hard, but there’s just something about lying to a grieving woman that makes it a million times worse.

“Good lord, what is it with you and Baekhyun?” Chanyeol’s heart stops. “Neither of you are ever interested in dating, not even in high school.” Oh. Right. Of course. Both of their families think that they’re both just too focused on their studies to be interested in girls.

Chanyeol shifts uncomfortably in his seat and glances at Baekhyun, who also looks extremely uncomfortable with the way he’s fiddling with a tissue in his hands.

“There’s just so much school work, we can barely find the time.” Chanyeol laughs, albeit a little hollow.

“I admire your pursuit of higher education but you shouldn’t let life pass you by, Chanyeol.” She says. “My biggest regret was not telling Baekbeom to follow his heart and propose to that girl when he asked for my blessing”

Chanyeol tenses at the mention of Baekbeom’s name.

“I told him instead that he could always propose later on when he gets that promotion he’s worked so hard for.” She continues. “I didn’t want him to lose focus, and I only ended up depriving myself of seeing my eldest son getting married and I deprived him of something that could’ve made him happy.”

“I’m sorry.” Chanyeol says. He’d known that Baekbeom had a longtime girlfriend, but this is his first time hearing that he’d wanted to propose to her. And he almost wants to throw up that Baekhyun’s mother may never get the chance of seeing any of her sons getting married to a girl because--

“It’s okay, dear. I pray every day and if I have the Lord’s blessing, I’ll have the chance to witness my youngest son on his wedding day.” She smiles and turns towards Baekhyun. “Right, son?”

“Right.” Baekhyun says, his face devoid of any real expression.

If Baekhyun had been as mortified as Chanyeol was during that entire conversation, he doesn’t bring it up. But what he doesn’t say, he usually shows; it’s clear to Chanyeol that Baekhyun’s slightly more apprehensive whenever he’s around. Although he still talks to Chanyeol via texts, he’s barely seen Baekhyun for over three weeks after that visit.

Chanyeol has also stopped accompanying Baekhyun whenever he visits his mother, because he’s a hundred percent sure that he can’t lie to her face anymore especially after what she’d said about having high hopes for Baekhyun’s future. 

The only time he really sees Baekhyun is when they go out drinking with their friends, and while Baekhyun acts normal with Jongdae, Sehun and the others, Chanyeol doesn’t miss the way Baekhyun purposely chooses the seat that’s the farthest from his.

When Chanyeol does eventually try to talk to Baekhyun about why he’s been so distant, it only makes him upset. And in turn, it makes Chanyeol upset, because he’d done nothing wrong for Baekhyun to suddenly snap at him for no reason. He’d stormed out of Baekhyun and Kyungsoo’s room that night and later tried to calm down by convincing himself that Baekhyun’s going through a lot of things right now, and that he needs space.

So he gives Baekhyun space. A whole three week’s worth of space. During those three weeks, Chanyeol didn’t exactly stop talking to Baekhyun, they still texted but it’s mostly just them checking on one another, and Chanyeol worrying if Baekhyun had somehow forgotten to eat. The next time he sees Baekhyun is when Baekhyun comes to his room, with a bag of chocolate chips in hand, and a sad, apologetic smile on his face.

Chanyeol kisses him but there’s just something that's different this time, there’s something different with the way Baekhyun kisses him. When he does eventually push Chanyeol to his bed, Chanyeol notices that Baekhyun’s grip on his shirt is especially hard, so hard it’s almost like if he lets go even for a second, he’d somehow lose Chanyeol.

Jongin couldn’t have picked a better time to hang out and stay over at Sehun’s place, because Baekhyun doesn’t want to let go of Chanyeol for more than two seconds that night. It's all familiar, they've done this numerous times before, but Chanyeol knows something's different. But he still couldn't put a finger on it.

It doesn’t hit Chanyeol until their last round, just as the sun begins to rise. When he pulls in Chanyeol for a kiss, he feels something wet against his cheeks. At first he’d thought it was sweat but something in him knew that it wasn’t, and something in him knew why Baekhyun was suddenly crying. He knew it was coming, but he didnt want to admit it.

Baekhyun was always the braver one out of the two of them.

There was nothing particularly special that day, for the most part, it went by just like any other. He went to class, and he met up with Baekhyun afterwards to grab lunch at Subway right next to their campus. And of all the places Baekhyun decides to do this, he does it at a fucking Subway.

From the corner of his eyes, he could see Baekhyun fiddling with his phone almost like he's nervous, almost like he has something to say, but is buying time, and then he takes a deep breath. “I think we should break up.” Baekhyun finally says as they walk out of the store. Chanyeol knows Baekhyun must have not been able to hold it in anymore, and judging by the way Baekhyun immediately bites his lips proves it.

Chanyeol's breath gets stuck in his throat, it's funny, he knows something's been off about Baekhyun, and in the deepest parts of his brain, he'd prepared for what has to be his worst nightmare, he tried to be ready for this moment. But he didn't want to believe it, he never wanted to admit that this day will eventually come. That it was much closer than what he'd initally thought. And any sort of mental preparation that he could've done would have been futile anyway, because nothing could’ve prepared him for the pain that comes along with it, not with the way Chanyeol can already feel his entire world collapsing onto itself.

“I know.” Chanyeol says lifelessly, and he doesn’t look at Baekhyun. And he keeps walking. He feels like if he walks fast enough, he might just be able to pretend that this isn't happening in the first place. That Baekhyun might change his mind.

Baekhyun also doesn’t look at him when he continues a few minutes later, “I-I can’t keep lying to my mom, not after what happened. It’s too cruel.”

“I know.” He says again, he’s trying to keep it together. He doesn’t want to make this harder for either of them. And Chanyeol doesn’t think he’s ever done anything so hard in his life. So he walks faster, he just wants to get out of here. He can't keep holding it in forever, he knows sooner or later he's going to break. And he much prefers for his breakdown to happen in private.

They eventually reach his dorm room, and suddenly Chanyeol doesn't know what to do. He unlocks his door, walks inside and throws his bag onto his bed. He hears Baekhyun closing the door to his room and shuffling behind him.

“I don't wanna do this--” Baekhyun starts again now that they're finally in private. “I just don’t think it’s fair to her that I’m like this. Not after everything she’s done for me.” He admits. Chanyeol hates it but he understands, he fucking understands where Baekhyun's coming from.

“None of this is fair.” Chanyeol says, biting his lips. Keep it together, Chanyeol. He hears Baekhyun's phone vibrating but they both ignored it. They were silent for number of seconds and his phone vibrated a second time and when it finally went silent, Baekhyun reaches out for his hand.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says, and Chanyeol makes the mistake of facing him. Because frankly, as hard as he tries to keep it all in, he can’t do it. He can’t fucking do it. It only takes one good look at Baekhyun and Chanyeol loses it. He fucking breaks.

“No, please--” He chokes out as tears begin to fill his eyes. Chanyeol feels his entire body going limp, like he’s going to die just at the thought of losing Baekhyun. His legs lose all of its strength and he pathetically falls to the floor. He might just beg right then and there for Baekhyun to change his mind. He might just beg so Baekhyun doesn't leave him, not like this.

Chanyeol closes his eyes and he lets his head fall onto his knees, then almost immediately Baekhyun wraps his arm around Chanyeol. He buries his face into Chanyeol’s hair while he tries to wipe the tears on Chanyeol’s cheeks with his thumb. “You're gonna be okay.” Baekhyun’s voice cracks, it’s obvious that he’s trying his hardest not to cry. To be the stronger one out of the two.

It hurts when Baekhyun holds him in silence, burying his face in Chanyeol's hair. It hurts being this close to Baekhyun but knowing that he'll never be able to have this again, that he's never going to be close to him again. That he'll never hold Baekhyun like this ever again. "Baek-- I-- love--" He tries to say. He's not sure what he's really trying to say. He just wants the pain to stop, but when he feels Baekhyun holds him a little tighter, his tears doesn't stop. He thinks that it might never stop.

Chanyeol loves Baekhyun. He loves him so damn much that it hurts. Everything hurts.

Baekhyun tightens his hold, “I know. I love you too, Chanyeol. I love you so much.” His voice shaky, and Chanyeol squeezes his eyes shut tighter. “It’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay.” He says again. "We're gonna be okay."

"No we won't--“ Chanyeol sobs his whole body trembling now.

“I’m always gonna be here,” Baekhyun says quietly, “I’ll always be here for you. We’re best friends, right?”

Chanyeol shakes his head stubbornly, it's not enough. It'll never be enough.

Baekhyun pulls him up towards the bed, and only then Chanyeol gets a good look at Baekhyun; despite his best efforts, Chanyeol could tell that Baekhyun had also been crying. Tears are fresh on his face. It's a rare sight to see Baekhyun cry, and it's a sight that Chanyeol despises with his entire being. He’s glad that Baekhyun lies down with him, holding him as he cries, letting Chanyeol be so close to him for the last time. He cries and cries until his eyes are red, sore and swollen. He hears Baekhyun's phone vibrate for the third time, and this time Baekhyun sits up to answer it. His words jumbled together in Chanyeol’s mind when he says that Junmyeon is looking for him and that he needs to leave, or something. Chanyeol isn't sure.

Baekhyun is long gone, he walked out of the room and out of Chanyeol's life hours ago, but Chanyeol can't find it in him to move, to stand up. He continues to lie there until the blue sky eventually turns orange. He takes a look at the sky slowly turning dark, making everything around him pitch black. He lies there until Jongin eventually comes back into their room, and turns on the light only to find Chanyeol, with red and swollen eyes lying on his bed.

Jongin doesn't seem to realize it at first, but then he turns and gets a good look at Chanyeol's face. “Hyung? Are you okay?!” Jongin almost screams in shock, sitting down on Chanyeol's bed. “Did something happen?”

Chanyeol doesn’t answer nor does he look at Jongin.

“Do you want me to call Baekhyun hyung?”

When Chanyeol finally sits up, he shakes his head, Jongin sighs and sits beside him in silence. Chanyeol then feels an arm over his shoulder and he lets his head fall on Jongin’s shoulder.

“It’s gonna be okay, hyung.” Jongin says, rubbing his hand up and down Chanyeol’s arm in an attempt to comfort him. “Whatever you’re going through, it’ll get better.”

Except it won’t.

For the first few days after the break up, Chanyeol lives like a complete hermit. He doesn’t really go out nor does he talk to anyone other than Jongin. It’s exhausting for him to be around other people right now, and the last thing he wants to do is to answer questions from his friends on why he’s different from his usual self.

It’s exhausting to speak, it’s exhausting to fucking cry his eye out every night and it’s exhausting to see the worried glances Jongin throws him every time he leaves for class. Chanyeol’s so fucking exhausted of everything and he wants nothing more than to turn everything off, turn his feelings off, so maybe then it wouldn’t feel like he’s drowning everytime he breathes.

He does make an effort though, he finds an old unused notebook from his dad and he tries to write down his thoughts, from what he’s seen on the internet, journaling seems to help a lot of people. But for Chanyeol it just adds more to the pain because now he’s forced to look back on the memories that he’s had of Baekhyun, and all of them hurt, not just the ones where they were together but even the ones when they were kids.

Memories and thoughts of him and Baekhyun used to feel like an explosion of color, he’d recalled fondly how they met in such vibrancy that it blinds him like the bright golden sun, and how the beautiful shades of red that covered Baekhyun’s face when they shared their first kiss. But now--now everything is stained in black and white.

Despite the numbness in his chest when he looks back on everything they’ve shared, Chanyeol writes as much as he can in his journal. Whenever he feels the urge to scream, or to slam his fist against the wall, he writes down his thoughts. He feels kinda stupid for the first few times he does it, but it at least gives him something to do other than to sob in his bed.

He sometimes receives a text from Kyungsoo, which gives him a heart attack because usually when he receives a text, it’s from Baekhyun. It’s so weird going from talking almost every hour of the day to, well, basically nothing. 

Despite his best efforts, Chanyeol had to stop himself from calling Baekhyun. He knows that Baekhyun said he’s still gonna be there. That they’re still best friends, but how can he talk to Baekhyun after everything that they’ve gone through? Chanyeol’s heart can’t handle the pain of talking to Baekhyun yet not being able to kiss him when he laughs. 

There was even a time when he wanted to delete Baekhyun’s number, partially out of resentment but mostly because he doesn’t want to drunk dial Baekhyun. But even then he can’t bring himself to do it. Plus it’ll make him look petty, when Baekhyun had a perfectly good reason to end their relationship, and Chanyeol’s convinced himself that he understands why it ended. And yet, something in him still cannot accept that it ended the way it did.

Days turn into weeks, and when Chanyeol does eventually go out of his room it’s somehow already late into November. Jongin insists that they all get a drink to celebrate the revival of Chanyeol’s social life, and Chanyeol doesn’t look forward to this because he’s a hundred percent sure that Baekhyun will be there. Well he’s only kind of sure. There was a slight moment of panic when he thought that maybe he’s not as important to Baekhyun anymore now that they’ve broken up, and he decides that he’d rather not find out. 

He’s about to make an excuse to bail on his friends and continue his life as a shut in when suddenly, as he flicks the light switch of his room, he’s greeted by none other than his friends.

“Surprise!” They all yell in unison and there’s a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY hanging behind them.

He’d completely forgotten his own birthday. Chanyeol blinks in surprise but then his focus shifts to the sight in front of him. Jongdae and Sehun are there, right next to Jongin who looks super proud that he’d managed to trick Chanyeol. Junmyeon and Kyungsoo are there too, both of them wearing party hats, and while Junmyeon looks absolutely thrilled, Kyungsoo rips off his hat as soon as Chanyeol looks at him. 

And then there’s Baekhyun.

Chanyeol almost cries at the sight of him because Baekhyun’s right there, in the middle, the one holding the cake.

“Make a wish.” Chanyeol hasn’t heard his voice in so long. Not since that night.

It snaps Chanyeol out of his trance and darts his eyes away from Baekhyun to focus on the cake. He doesn’t blow the candle right away, instead he stands there and thinks sadly to himself about how he only wishes that things were different.

“Why is it that none of us can cut a cake properly?” Jongdae says as he tries to shove an entire slice into his mouth. It’s true that they’ve completely butchered Chanyeol’s cake this year too, despite their high expectations of Junmyeon, who seems like he has his shit together the most out of all of them, he’d still made a mess of Chanyeol’s cake.

Chanyeol laughs a little at that, he thinks it’s nice to have his friends around him to celebrate his birthday especially after he’d pushed them away for so long. He’s grateful that they’re all still here, in his cramped little dorm room sitting on the floor and eating cake with their bare hands.

He almost drops the slice on the floor he was trying to eat when Baekhyun suddenly scooches next to him and Chanyeol curses himself for looking genuinely surprised that Baekhyun wants to talk to him.

“Hey.” Baekhyun says.

“Hi.”

“How are you these days?” Baekhyun asks, he looks unsure almost as if he’s going to scare Chanyeol off by talking to him.

“It’s been okay. Been studying a lot.” He shrugs.

“Cool.” Baekhyun nods. It’s funny how conversations used to be so easy with Baekhyun, and now everything just comes out as clunky, forced. “How’s your dad?”

“The usual.” Chanyeol says, in truth he hasn’t seen much of his family either--he’s been backpaddling a bit with his resolve to stay in touch with them, because right now, something in him blames them. In his head, if it weren’t for them, for their _lifestyle_ , then he wouldn’t be hurting like this. Then Baekhyun would still-- “What about your mom? How’s she doing?”

“Still mourning, but I think she’ll be okay, in time.”

“I’m sure she will.” Chanyeol can’t blame a mother in mourning. He’s not heartless, he’s never going to blame Baekhyun’s mother for what happened. She’s a kind and loving single mother who did whatever it took to raise her children, it’s only natural for her to have expectations--and she’s not asking much of him too, she just wants her son to get married to a lovely girl, just like any other mother would. 

“Chanyeol can you help me clean up?” Kyungsoo calls him. He hears Sehun saying that _he doesn’t know what’s worse, Kyungsoo is cleaning up someone else’s dorm or that he’s making the birthday boy help him_.

Chanyeol laughs a little but nods, he knows just how much of a neatfreak Kyungsoo can be. “Okay, okay.” He’s about to get up when Baekhyun pulls on the sleeve of his hoodie.

“Hey, uh, happy birthday.” He says with a small smile, and then he whispers, “And I’m sorry I showed up unannounced, I wanted to give you a heads up but then that would ruin the surprise.”

Chanyeol smiles a little at him. “I’m glad you’re here.” And in some ways, he is. He’s grateful that Baekhyun still cares enough about him to show up despite the obvious tension between them.

Kyungsoo hands him a garbage bag and motions Chanyeol to follow him outside, probably to throw away the trash. It completely catches Chanyeol off guard when Kyungsoo stops abruptly in the hallway on their way outside the dorm.

“You and Baekhyun broke up.”

Chanyeol sighs after a slight pause. “Is it that obvious?”

He supposes it’s only natural for Kyungsoo to find out because he does live with Baekhyun, and Chanyeol went from practically being his third roommate to basically poofing into thin air over the past weeks.

Kyungsoo nods. “How are you?”

“I’ve been better.” Chanyeol fiddles with the trash bag in his hand, it’s the first time he’s talking about this to _anyone_.

“It’ll get better.” Kyungsoo says sternly, eyebrows furrowed and Chanyeol couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at the way he says it, like he wants to drill it into Chanyeol’s brain that he won't be this miserable forever.

“I sure hope so.” He really, really hopes so, because right now, it doesn’t feel like it’ll ever get better.

Weeks turn into months, and it does get better. A little. He no longer has an urge to cry whenever he thinks of Baekhyun or is reminded of him, which unfortunately, happens to him literally every second of the day. But it still hurts, especially whenever he sees Baekhyun in person, which happens more often than he’d liked. And he sometimes finds it inconvenient that they have the same circle of friends and it’s not exactly easy to weasel his way out of every group outing Jongin or Jongdae invite him to. Having Kyungsoo around also makes things a lot easier since Chanyeol can just awkwardly talk to him, without actually talking to him, so he doesn’t have to make conversation with Baekhyun. And Kyungsoo gets it, he’s the only one that gets it.

But the thing is, all of the sadness he’s felt over the past months slowly turned into anger--a feeling of resentment on why things turned out the way it did and how unfair the world truly is. The first time he’s felt the change in his emotions was during his coffee run at a nearby Starbucks. That morning, as he waits patiently for his coffee order he hears a familiar laughter. He’d been too busy scrolling on his phone to notice Baekhyun, Junmyeon and two girls that he didn’t recognize, sitting at the corner table.

Something ugly churns inside of him, and it scares him a bit, he shouldn’t be feeling this way when he sees Baekhyun laughing so freely. It shouldn’t make him angry when the person he loves is smiling and is obviously, happy. Aren’t people supposed to be happy when the people they love are happy, regardless of who they’re with? So then why the fuck does he feel the need to glare at Baekhyun?

He’s disgusted with himself when he thinks; how dare Baekhyun look so carefree and happy when he couldn't even remember the last time he’d laughed like that? It disgusts him to his core because he doesn’t want to feel this way, he wants to be happy for Baekhyun. He wants Baekhyun to be happy.

He feels like shit when he realizes that something inside of him wants Baekhyun to feel as miserable as he is now, or has been for the past months. It’s pathetic, Baekhyhun might’ve broken his heart but just because Chanyeol’s sad and angry, doesn’t mean he has to be too.

There’s always a chance that Baekhyun’s just putting up a front, Chanyeol knows well enough that Baekhyun goes out of his way to put up a strong front. But something about his smile, the way his eyes crinkle as he laughs, seems genuine--no, Chanyeol knows it’s genuine because he’d seen it so many times before. So maybe Baekhyun’s moved on and Chanyeol just has to live with the fact that he’s the only one stupid enough to still hold on to what they’d had.

He’s snapped out of his trance when the Starbucks barista yells his drink order, which also means she yells out Chanyeol’s name loud enough for the entire store to hear. Baekhyun immediately looks up the moment he hears Chanyeol’s name, Junmyeon also turns around but Chanyeol decides that he doesn’t have it in him to face Baekhyun for now, so he grabs his drink and bolts out the door.

==

Chanyeol wakes up one afternoon to the voice of his friends whispering--or what seems to be their best attempt at whispering. "Kyungsoo hyung I know you know what happened."

Kyungsoo's here?

"Can you stop? Even if something happened, it's none of our business." He hears Kyungsoo's voice.

"So something did happen." Jongin argues.

"It's our business when he's been this miserable for _months._ " Seems like Jongdae's here too.

"Maybe they fought?"

"Yeah right, Chanyeol and Baekhyun's longest fight in high school lasted three hours max."

Chanyeol shifts and finally opens his eyes, slightly irritated that he has to deal with this as soon as he wakes up.

"Oh you're awake." Jongdae says.

"What are you two doing in my room?" He looks at Kyungsoo and then Jongdae.

“I was dragged here.” Kyungsoo quickly says.

"We bought you breakfast." Jongin holds up a paper bag from McDonald’s.

Chanyeol sits up and leans on the wall adjacent to his bed. "But it's not my birthday."

"Don't act like we only do nice things for you on your birthday jackass." Jongdae climbs into his bed.

"Hyung we're worried." Jongin says, moving from his own bed to also sit next to Chanyeol. "I called them here because you barely leave your room and you haven't showered in like three days."

Chanyeol frowns. "I showered last night." He hasn’t put as much effort into his looks these past few months but surely he can’t look _that_ bad.

"Could've fooled me.” Jongdae says.

"What Jongdae's trying to say is you look like a mess." Kyungsoo says, slightly glaring at Jongdae for his comment.

"No, what Jongdae's trying to say is what the hell is going on with you and Baekhyun?" Jongdae sighs.

It’s bound to happen, it’s only natural for their friends to start wondering what really happened between them. With the way Chanyeol’s been avoiding Baekhyun ever since he’d ran into him at Starbucks, you’d have to be blind to not see the awkward tension between them. "Nothing."

"Don't give me that bullshit, Yeol."

"Nothing happened!” Chanyeol says stubbornly “You can ask Baekhyun if you want."

"Funny, because that’s exactly what he said too. Ask Chanyeol if you want." Jongdae says frustration building up in his voice. “But we’re not dumb, we can see that something’s off with you two. You barely spend time together.”

"That's not true, we hangout every week. With you guys." Chanyeol points out.

"We know." Jongin says, “But, I dunno hyung, you guys just seem distant now. You guys used to make each other laugh the loudest but now you barely look at each other.”

“And don’t act like you didn’t try to squeeze your ass into the farthest seat away from him last friday.” Jongdae adds.

"We've been busy, I told you I've been working my ass off to get that internship. And Baek's been busy with…" what was Baekhyun busy with these days? "His own stuff."

Jongdae looks at Jongin and after a few moments of silence, he finally gives up with a deep sigh leaving his lips. "You know it hurts me when I see my friends fight. I hope both of you can work it out."

"Look, both of us are going to my sister's wedding next month, I wouldn't be going with him if we hate each other." Chanyeol says.

That’s right, his lovely sister is getting married next month. He was surprised when he found out, he didn’t think she’d get married as soon as she got out of college, but let’s be honest here, Chanyeol hasn’t exactly been in his sister’s life for the last few years. Not since that incident.

To make things worse, his sister personally invited Baekhyun to the wedding, considering him as an old family friend. Chanyeol expected it, with how much his family adores Baekhyun, but he’d kinda hoped with how distant they'd both been with Yoora that she’d forget about Baekhyun.

During the actual week of Yoora’s wedding, Chanyeol couldn’t help but think how different everything was from how he imagined it to be. Growing up, he always imagined that he’d be having a hard time letting his sister go, and he’ll even drive her around to try on wedding dresses or maybe even be the best man at her wedding, but of course none of that happened. He feels like he’s just another guest that shows up out of respect than an actual family member, and it breaks his heart.

That being said, the cherry on top of his week was his extremely awkward drive with Baekhyun to the wedding venue. He actually thanked god that Yoora picked a nearby outdoor venue, sitting in a car for hours in traffic is something he’s sure he’s not ready to do. Another thing he’s sort of grateful for is how quiet Baekhyun is during the entire drive. Before their break up, Baekhyun’s the type to make offhanded comments during a car ride, it’s usually the most random things; like how Chanyeol’s GPS has an annoying voice, or how Chanyeol’s car weirdly smells like coffee. But this time, Baekhyun only speaks every so often and mostly just him making polite conversation before he settled to sit in silence until they reached the wedding venue.

Although that’s probably because Chanyeol’s been giving him one-worded answers the whole ride and Baekhyun has every right to be pissed off.

He hesitated at first but the last thing he wanted to do was be a jerk to Baekhyun. So Chanyeol approaches him. “Baekhyun.” He starts, hating how stiff his voice sounds. “I’m sorry if I was acting like an ass the whole ride here.”

Chanyeol relaxes a bit when Baekhyun gives him a small smile “It’s okay.” Baekhyun says, seemingly appreciating his apology.

“No. It’s not okay. I was just bummed.” Chanyeol sighs.

“On your sister’s wedding day?”

“Yeah. I dunno, it’s weird I guess. Not like what imagined it to be.”

Baekhyun nods in understanding. “Do you wanna talk about it?” The offer surprises Chanyeol a bit. With how much of an asshole he’d been the entire day, or just in general, he didn’t think Baekhyun would still want to spend time with him.

“No,” Chanyeol declines the offer because he knows when he starts talking, he’d end up saying things that he shouldn’t, things that he’d kept hidden for so long. “But take a walk around with me?”

Baekhyun slightly deflates at the rejection, because Chanyeol never says no to talking. He’s always willing to share his mind, to share his heart to Baekhyun, but things are different now. “Sure.”

The walk is comforting to Chanyeol, it gives him a sense of familiarity, a sense of normalcy, it makes him feel almost at peace. For the most part, they walked in complete silence, this time, a comfortable silence, the first comfortable silence he’s shared with Baekhyun since his break up.

“You know,” Baekhyun breaks the silence, there’s a hint of uncertainty in his voice, almost like he doesn’t want to overstep any lines. But then Chanyeol looks at him and urges him to continue, “Just because you’ve been distant, it doesn’t mean that you’re an outsider. You’re still her family--still her little brother that she loves, and she’s still your sister. The same sister that you demanded as your valentine when we were like twelve.”

Oh god, Chanyeol completely forgot about that. When they were twelve, he and Baekhyun had fought over who would be Yoora’s valentine that year. She ended up becoming both their valentines because he couldn’t choose between the two of them. Chanyeol chuckles at the memory and he secretly wishes he could go back, things were much simpler then.

“Thanks.” Chanyeol didn’t know he needed to hear that until, well, until Baekhyun said it. It’s funny to him how without even saying anything, Baekhyun had figured out just what’s bothering him. “How is it that you always know what to say?” He curses internally when he realizes that he’d said those words out loud.

Baekhyun softly smiles at him, “I’ve known you for more than half of my life.” 

Baekhyun knows him better than anyone. And Chanyeol doesn’t know how he feels about that now that they’ve separated. It also doesn’t help when he realizes mid-thought that this is the first real conversation he’s ever had with Baekhyun ever since their break up, no friends, no roommates, no classmates, just the two of them.

“Listen, Baekhyun--”

“Baekhyun, Chanyeol!” Chanyeol groans internally when he’s interrupted by his mother’s voice. “There you are!” He can see his mother approaching them with light and quick steps.

“Hi auntie.” Baekhyun smiles politely.

“My my, look at you, it’s been almost a year since we last saw you.” She gives him a hug. “Honestly, give an old woman a visit once in a while, why don’t you?”

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun laughs and he hugs her back. “It’s just been a bit crazy lately.”

“I hope you and your mom are well.” His mom says, with an apologetic smile on her face.

“Mom’s doing better,” Baekhyun smiles, “She’s really sorry that she couldn’t be here today.”

“Oh that’s alright. I’m praying every day for her recovery.” His mom says, “What about you? I hope you’re doing well, maybe even found someone special?”

Oh god. This has to be Chanyeol’s worst nightmare.

“Mom please stop making Baekhyun uncomfortable.” Chanyeol says, hoping that his mom will listen for once. Because frankly, he’s not sure he wants to hear the answer to her question, he’d like to remain in the dark for now thank you very much.

“It’s fine.” Baekhyun chuckles, he doesn’t look too uncomfortable, or maybe he’s just good at hiding it.

And of course his mother doesn’t listen, “Well? A smart and handsome boy like you, girls must’ve gone crazy over you. I actually have this friend who has a gorgeous daughter, I’m sure you’ll love her--”

Chanyeol is just about to interrupt his mother when Baekhyun speaks, “No, it’s okay auntie. I’m actually seeing someone.”

Oh.

Baekhyun’s already seeing someone. Chanyeol didn’t know that. How did he not know this? How could his friends not tell him this? Okay to be fair to them, Chanyeol hasn’t exactly been present this past year.

He has no right to be mad. It’s been a year. It’s completely normal for Baekhyun to move on. It’s normal for people to move on from past relationships in the span of one year, if anything, Chanyeol’s the sad loser that’s still holding on to whatever they’ve had. He’s the only one who won’t let go.

He’s thought of this moment before, it’s one of the things that keeps him tossing and turning at night. He doesn’t cry anymore, but whenever the thought of Baekhyun being able to move on so quickly crosses his mind, for him to be able to so easily breathe and be better without the weight of their relationship, he feels like his heart’s being torn to shreds all over again. It feels like _that_ day all over again.

And so it seems that he is indeed doing better. Because he’s here, smiling, laughing, telling his mother about his new beautiful girlfriend and how happy he is ever since he’s met her. He’s found someone else.

Chanyeol’s the sad loser that even after one whole year of being apart, still can’t imagine being with anyone else that’s not Baekhyun.

“Right, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun’s voice snaps him out of his trance.

“Uh, sorry I blanked for a moment.” Chanyeol coughs awkwardly.

“Son are you okay?” His mom looks at him, with a frown. “You look a bit pale.”

“I’m fine, just a bit tired from all the standing.” He almost wants to dig a hole and die from how lame his excuse was just now but he can’t find himself to care as much when all he needs to do now is get away from here. From Baekhyun.

He knew this was a mistake. He should’ve listened to his brain and kept the safe distance he’s tried so hard to maintain the entire year, he knew he wasn’t ready for this. He’s not fucking ready to see Baekhyun move on and fall in love with someone else. Someone that’s not Chanyeol.

He doesn’t miss the worried glance Baekhyun throws at him when he excuses himself to get a drink, but he couldn’t find it himself to care. Baekhyun knows what he said would have an effect on Chanyeol, he knows it would hurt Chanyeol, yet he still stood there, big bright smile in place, and said it so casually. Like they never even happened. Like he never broke Chanyeol’s heart in the first place.

Maybe Baekhyun never really loved him in the first place. At least, not as much as Chanyeol thought he did.

While going to the open bar, he furiously types a message to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo has to know, he lives with Baekhyun, he has to know yet he never mentioned this to Chanyeol? Not even once? And Chanyeol could feel his temper rising with each word that he types.

[5.23pm] baekhyun’s seeing someone?? How could u not tell me this?!?!?!!?!

He trusted Kyungsoo, he’s the only person on earth that knows what’s truly going on with Chanyeol. He’s the only one that understood the pain Chanyeol’s going through, yet he somehow never felt the need to mention this to him?

_[5.25pm] i’m sorry, i was gonna tell you eventually. I was waiting for you to be in a better state. I didn’t wanna tell you when you’re clearly not ready._

Chanyeol sighs, he understands where Kyungsoo’s coming from, but was he really so pathetic that Kyungsoo felt the need to protect his feelings? 

Maybe he was, because now as it slowly dawns on him that this is real, that Baekhyun is no longer his, something inside him breaks. 

He can’t fucking handle it.

The rest of the night passes him by in a blur, and to be honest, all he wants to do now is go back to his dorm and sleep. He’s so fucking exhausted and if he has to take one more family picture he’s going to lose it.

On top of it all he’s been avoiding Baekhyhun like the plague after their conversation, he feels bad because Baekhyun doesn’t really know anyone at this wedding other than him and his family, but he really can’t be bothered right now. Not when he’s like this.

He just can’t fucking handle it, okay? He can’t even look at Baekhyun right now so how was he supposed to keep him company the whole night? He can't, he just can’t.

By the end of the event, he reluctantly tries to find Baekhyun, because as much as Chanyeol doesn’t wanna see him right now, he wasn’t going to leave Baekhyun when he promised that he’d drive him back to campus right after the wedding. He’s not that much of a jackass. After ten minutes of walking around the venue, his father tells him that he saw Baekhyun leave a few hours ago. It shouldn’t make Chanyeol feel relieved but it did.

If his friends had thought he was flaky and absent before, they’re _really_ concerned now. Chanyeol doesn’t leave his dorm except to go to class and run his errands, even Kyungsoo’s gotten so worried that he drops by every so often just to ask how he’s doing, to which Chanyeol responds with a shrug and an “I’m fine.” and of course, none of them really believe him.

Weirdly, he doesn’t cry this time, he hasn’t cried for a while now so he thinks he’s making progress. Progress that doesn’t last very long because three weeks after his sister’s wedding, he opens the door only to find Baekhyun standing right in front of him.

“I was just about to knock.” Baekhyun says quietly.

“I was just about to leave.” He feels a tiny tinge of guilt when he sees the way Baekhyun flinch at his icy cold tone, but he really, _really_ can’t do this. He doesn’t want to face Baekhyun.

“Listen, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun puts both of his arms on the door frame, to prevent Chanyeol from leaving. “I’m sorry for dropping that the way I did.”

“You don’t need to apologize.” Chanyeol says, “It’s been a year. It’s only natural for us to move on.” There’s a hint of resentment in his voice and he knows Baekhyun can hear it too.

“Right.” Baekhyun says awkwardly. “But still, I should’ve told you first instead of springing it on you like that.”

“No it’s fine. We’re not anything anymore so you’re free to do what you want.”

Baekhyun looks visibly hurt by Chanyeol’s words and he immediately regrets what he’d said. Baekhyun’s here to apologize, to probably save whatever’s left of their friendship and Chanyeol’s here being the petty loser that can’t bear to see his ex move on.

The cracks in his heart might deepen whenever he sees Baekhyun smile, but he can feel his heart shatter all over again when he sees Baekhyun upset, especially when he’s the cause of it.

Chanyeol opens his mouth to apologize when Baekhyun speaks first. “We’re best friends. I shouldn’t have done that to you, I’m sorry. I don’t have an excuse--I messed up.”

“It’s okay.” Chanyeol finally says. He runs a hand through his hair and looks away from Baekhyun for a split second before looking back at him, “I was an ass just now, you don’t need to apologize. It’s okay really.”

“I meant what I said that you’re still my best friend, Yeol.” Baekhyun admits, “And I want you in my life, it’s just--it’s hard when you push me away every chance you get.”

Chanyeol bites his lower lip, “I know. I want us to stay friends too.” In all honesty, he wants to say that he’ll try harder, that he’ll stop pushing Baekhyun away, and make an effort so their friendship can go back to the way it was, but Chanyeol knows better. He knows better than to make promises that he can never keep.

He soon learns that Baekhyun is seeing a girl called Lee Jieun. And much to his dismay, she’s absolutely lovely. She’s funny, pretty and such a good fit for Baekhyun. He also learns from Kyungsoo that they’ve been seeing each other for around three months and that Baekhyun even introduced her to his mother. It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth and an even uglier feeling in his stomach when he catches himself being jealous. He has no right to be jealous. Baekhyun isn’t his anymore.

He tries to distract himself from Baekhyun and Jieun by pouring everything he has into his studies, that’s borderline obsessive, but it did get him the internship he’s been wanting for the past six months. As sad as this is going to sound, but that’s probably the first thing that’s made him genuinely happy for the past year and a half.

Jongin offered to celebrate with their friends. Again. Chanyeol, being the sad loser that he is, declined the offer. Again. A celebration means friends, and friends means Baekhyun and Baekhyun means Jieun. Even if Chanyeol wants to try harder at being _just_ friends, seeing Jieun and Baekhyun act all lovey dovey in front of him is something he knows he’ll never be able to do. At least not right now. So he sticks to keeping a safe distance from Baekhyun, and it’s not like he’s not trying, because he is. All of this is temporary, he doesn’t plan on shoving away Baekhyun forever, it’s only until he can get his tangled mess he calls feelings in order.

As bad as this is going to sound, Chanyeol does want to celebrate, he’s just not in the mood to celebrate with his friends. He just wants to let loose, have fun and maybe meet some new people on his own. So he does just that, he goes to a bar alone, and at first, it’s awkward because he doesn’t know what to do with himself there, and it’s kinda weird being out without his friends making him laugh or doing something stupid and giving him secondhand embarrassment.

But what he does learn is people tend to approach him more when he’s sitting alone than when he’s with a group. Chanyeol never considered himself to be hot or attractive, at least not until Baekhyun. When they were together, Baekhyun makes him feel so desired and the way Baekhyun clings to him whenever they were alone boosted his ego so much that he actually felt that his elf ears complemented his face.

Sadly for him, all of that confidence went away when things ended with Baekhyun. It’s probably just another side effect of a break up, a side effect of rejection. And he hates it, he hates reverting back to being insecure and second guessing himself.

So when this random guy came up to him, saying that he looked nice it made a whole world of difference to Chanyeol. He hasn’t felt desired in so fucking long that one nice compliment and one bottle of beer was enough for Chanyeol to agree to go back to his place for the night.

Chanyeol passes out after literally one round and is awakened by a knock on his door, he checks his alarm and it's eight am. And Jongin wasn’t supposed to be back until midday later today, so who--

“Baekhyun.” He says when he opens his door only to find Baekhyun standing there with a smile on his face. Chanyeol’s so fucking glad he’d put on a shirt and pants before he opened the door.

“Hey! I know it’s like super early but I just heard you got that internship and I thought we should celebrate so I brought you this.” He holds up what seems to be a bunch of choclate chip cookies.

“Oh, right. Thanks.” Chanyeol says awkwardly, suddenly not knowing how to act around his ex. And of course Baekhyhun paid him a visit at the worst possible time.

“Why are you trying to be quiet? I thought Jongin went out with Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun tries to peer inside and Chanyeol quickly closes the door behind him.

“Oh.” Baekhyun says, his droopy eyes slowly widen in realization. “Wait, is there?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry If I knew I wouldn't have--” He says with an unreadable expression on his face.

“No, it’s okay.” Chanyeol says. “He's been out cold since last night.” He isn’t too sure if he should be telling these things to Baekhyun, but hey, they both are moving on right?

“I didn’t know you were seeing someone. Not that you were obligated to tell me--”

“I’m not. It’s--It’s just a casual thing. I just met him last night, actually.” Chanyeol suddenly feels ashamed, like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t. It makes him feel fucking guilty because Baekhyun is here, trying his best to stay friends and Chanyeol just keeps pushing him farther and farther.

“You never seemed like the type to have one night stands.” Baekhyun says, fiddling with the paper bag in his hand.

“Things change I guess.”

And there’s a long pause before Baekhyun speaks, “I should go,” He offers a small smile, one that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Oh and let me know when you’re free, Sehun wants us to go drinking together before we graduate.”

Despite being the complete ass that he is, this is one group outing that Chanyeol actually looks forward to. He misses his friends, by a lot. And he knows he’s taking them for granted whenever he bails or whenever he shuts them out of his life. He often finds himself wishing that he were stronger, that he’d move on faster so that things can go back to the way it was before they eventually go their separate ways.

“I can’t believe my hyungs are all going away. Even you, you’re not even my hyung and you’re leaving.” Sehun points at Jongin which erupted several laughters from their table. 

“It’s not like we’re moving away to another country.” Kyungsoo shakes his head in amusement.

“What am I gonna do without all of your dumb asses here?” Sehun whines as he crosses his arms, resting it on the table and buries his face in them.

“Study? Focus on graduating?” Junmyeon laughs as he ruffles Sehun’s hair in an effort to comfort him.

“So,” Jongdae starts, after gulping down his beer. “I wanna know what all of you are doing after graduation.” He points the top of his beer bottle towards Jongin, “Let’s start with you.”

“I’m gonna be teaching dance at this school near where I grew up.” Jongin says with a big smile on his face and Chanyeol couldn’t help but smile at just how happy Jongin looks at the thought.

“I thought you’d be going into the big leagues, you know aim for broadway and all that.” Jongdae says.

“Oh I plan to, but for this year I thought I’d take it easy. I love teaching and I love kids.” Jongin smiles as he takes a sip of his beer. “What about you Kyungsoo hyung?”

“I still have two years of med school, remember?”

Jongdae shifts his attention to Chanyeol and Baekhyun. “What about you two? Awfully quiet today.”

“Oh yeah, Baek any big plans with Jieun?”

“Dunno yet. I…” Baekhyun pauses for a bit and for a split second, Chanyeol’s sure he caught Baekhyun looking at him. “I’m planning on asking her to move in with me.”

“Wow, that’s huge!” Sehun says, finally lifting his head up.

“Chill out, I don’t even know if I’ll go through with it.”

“Why not? You love her don’t you?” Sehun says.

Chanyeol almost wants to stand up and run straight to the door. He doesn’t want to hear the answer to this.

But luckily, Baekhyun doesn’t answer and instead sighs, “I still have to rent an apartment, and it’ll have to be a decent one if I want her to actually say yes and I don’t know, I just still have a lot of things to think about.”

“What about you?” Kyungsoo asks Chanyeol. It surprises everyone a bit because Kyungsoo doesn’t usually ask questions or be the one to shift topics in conversations, but Chanyeol knows why, and he smiles a little at him, because he’s so _so_ grateful that he has Kyungsoo.

“Hey you never told us where this internship is.” Sehun adds.

And Chanyeol hides it for a reason.

“It’s at a consulting firm...in Busan.” Chanyeol says slowly. And he can already physically feel Baekhyun’s eyes on him.

“No, hyung that’s so far.” Sehun whines and buries his face in his arm again.

“It’s literally a train ride away. Stop being dramatic.” Kyungsoo groans exasperatedly.

“That’s still so far! I can’t believe you never told us.” Jongin joins in.

“Because I knew you’d react like this.” He gestures to Sehun then to Jongin. “Besides, I’ve always wanted to live near the sea. I dunno and get a dog or something.”

His friends obviously aren't thrilled at the idea, especially Jongin, Sehun and Jongdae, they’ve been whining nonstop for the past hour and louder too as they get more drunk by the second. And when he’s well into his third bottle of the night, he heads outside for a smoke and to cool down a bit from all of the general rowdiness of his friends.

“Since when did you take up smoking?” He hears Baekhyun sitting next to him on the sidewalk.

“It’s an on and off thing.” Chanyeol shrugs.

“It’s bad for you.”

“Really? Never would've guessed.” He says and it earns a small chuckle from Baekhyun.

It took everything in him to not flinch when Baekhyun leans his head on his shoulder. It catches him off guard, it’s been so long since Baekhyun’s even touched him.

“It’s gonna be weird not having you around here.” Baekhyun sighs, his words slightly slurred from all the alcohol they’ve had. “You’ll let me visit right?”

“Of course.”

“And play with your dog?” He feels Baekhyun shift a little closer.

“I’ll even let you babysit.”

“Really? Even though you hate me, you’ll let me babysit?”

Chanyeol’s heart breaks at the sadness in Baekhyun’s voice. “I don’t hate you.” He could never hate Baekhyun, he tried, he tried so hard to hate Baekhyhun for what he’s done, to hold him accountable for taking his heart only to break it in the end. He has tried, played with the idea that hating Baekhyun would somehow make everything hurt a little less, but it never happened. Because he doesn’t hate Baekhyun and everything still hurts.

But it’s probably time for him to start making real effort to move on, no matter how much it hurts him. “I...I think you should do it. The apartment thing with Jieun.”

Baekhyun sits up and looks at him with wide eyes, like he can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“Put some of that money you saved up to good use.” Chanyeol adds, he doesn’t look at Baekhyun when he says it. They were supposed to use that money for New York, but since that’s probably never gonna happen, might as well use it for something that’ll make Baekhyun happy. “And you can split rent with her, so it’ll be cheaper too.”

Baekhyun doesn’t say anything, but he does hold his gaze on Chanyeol’s eyes and it makes him squirm a bit inside, until finally Baekhyun goes back onto leaning on Chanyeol’s shoulder. “When are you leaving?”

“A month after graduation. Still have some stuff I need to do before I leave.”

He just needs to do one thing before he leaves, before he can start fresh in Busan, before he can move on for good; he needs to face his family. It’s something that he’s been thinking about for a while now, and it’s something that’s been eating him up for years, so it’s only natural for him to do this before he moves away.

People often say that the truth can set you free, or something like that, and Chanyeol feels like he has nothing to lose anyway at this point. Maybe he’ll lose his entire family but there’s still that tiny bit of hope in him that thinks that maybe, his family will accept him, or at least wont disown him on the spot.

“Chanyeol? We weren’t expecting you to be home until next week.” His mother says when she finds him home a week earlier than what was planned. Chanyeol’s been too restless just thinking about this and he thinks that he’ll just do this now, or else he might chicken out at the last minute.

“I need to talk to you and dad about something. It’s important.” Chanyeol says with a straight face.

“Well okay,” His mother seems to be a little bit weirded out by how serious he looks. “Let’s have some food while we wait for your dad to come home.”

And Chanyeol agrees, his mom’s cooking always comforted him and he definitely needs the comfort now. He relaxes a bit and makes small talk with his mom, which is pleasant until he hears the front door open and his dad walks into the dining room.

“Chanyeol? Why didn’t you tell us you were coming home?” His dad says, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m not staying, I just need to talk to you guys.”

“Are you alright?” His dad takes a seat across from him.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just--I’m sure you’re not gonna like what I’m gonna have to say.” Chanyeol can already feel the sweat forming on his forehead.

“Honey you’re scaring me.” His mother says, looking more and more concerned.

“I’m...I’m--the reason I’ve been rejecting all those girls you set me up is because--I, I’m not interested in them.” He starts, blood pumping in his ears.

His mother looks at his dad, “Well that’s alright, there are plenty of fish in the sea.”

This is it, there’s no turning back now.

He takes a deep breath. “No, I’m not interested in girls, mom. I don’t like them the way I should.”

“I don’t understand.”

Chanyeol closes his eyes when he finally says it. “I,” He says, “I like guys--”

“Don’t say it.” His dad cuts him off, his voice sharp.

They remain in silence for a long, long time. Probably the longest silence Chanyeol’s ever experienced in his life and with every second that passes, he knows this won’t end well. He’s so sure that it’s only a matter of minutes before he’s told to get out and never come back. But it doesn’t happen, when Chanyeol finally gathers the courage to open his eyes and look at his parents, he’s faced with something much worse; disappointment.

He doesn’t see a trace of anger, or hatred or even disgust on their faces. Only disappointment. Like Chanyeol’s let them down in the worst way possible, and to them, he probably just did. And he doesn’t know which is worse, his dad’s empty gaze or his mother’s quiet sobs.

“You’re confused.” His dad finally says, voice wobbly.

“No dad, I’m not.” Chanyeol is surprisingly calm. “I’ve known ever since I was a teenager.”

“Dear god where did we go wrong.” He hears his mom whisper to herself.

And it breaks him. It breaks him to pieces hearing his own mother say such words, like somehow it was a mistake that Chanyeol ended up the way he did, like it was their mistake. They sit there silently for a very long time, and when Chanyeol looks up again, his dad is covering his face but tears are very much evident.

He decides that it’s probably better for him to leave for now and when he stands up, his parents don't stop him. “I’m sorry.” He mutters as he walks out, he isn’t apologizing for being who he is, he’s instead sorry for not being able to be the son they wanted.

Once he steps out of his house, Chanyeol makes a beeline for his car and drives away. But it isn’t long until his vision blurs and he pulls over, to finally just let everything out once and for all. He leans on the steering wheel of his car and he cries, he cries and cries until he struggles to breathe.

He does eventually calm down, his tears stop, but everything still hurts. He doesn’t feel free, he doesn’t feel like anything’s been lifted off of his shoulder, everything still feels like shit and like he’s back at square one. Only this time, his parents hate him, and he’s lost Baekhyun too.

Baekhyun. He thinks of Baekhyun and he doesn’t know what made him do it, but he dials Baekhyun’s number, not really expecting the latter to pick up but he does.

He picks up only after two rings.

“Chanyeol?”

“Hey.” He says trying to sound as if he hasn’t been sobbing for the past twenty minutes, but he knows Baekhyun can sense something’s wrong.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Chanyeol says, wiping his nose with his sleeve.

“Okay...so what’s up?” Baekhyun doesn’t sound convinced at all, but he doesn’t push.

“Nothing. Just wanted to talk, I guess.” Talking to Baekhyun always made him feel better, there’s just something about his voice that’s calming to Chanyeol.

“Oh, okay. Where are you now?”

“On my way to buy some cookies.” He lies, but he should stop by the store and buy some. He really could use a cookie right about now.

He knows Baekhyun’s suspicion from the pause that follows, but again, Baekhyun doesn’t push him to talk, “You really shouldn’t be calling me when you’re driving. Unless you have driving gloves on.” He can almost hear the smile in Baekhyun’s voice.

Chanyeol chuckles a bit, “Yeah, but I’m bored.”

“Driving is boring, that’s why I always insist for you to drive.” Baekhyun says and Chanyeol smiles a bit at the memories of them going out on long drives, and finds himself tearing up again. Okay, time to stop. He really can’t go down that rabbit hole now, he’s cried enough for today.

“Chanyeol are you sure you’re okay?” Baekhyun says after Chanyeol fails to respond.

“Yup fine. Gotta go and drive responsibly bye.” He hangs up quickly before Baekhyun figures out that he has been crying his eyes out.

Funnily enough, Chanyeol ends up buying the cookies.

During the day of his graduation, he really couldn’t bring himself to smile. What’s worse is that he can’t seem to find his parents during the ceremony. Although he half expected it after what happened. Maybe he should’ve told them after graduation, but he couldn’t bear standing there looking at his parents being proud of him when all he does is lie to their faces over and over again.

Surprisingly enough, he doesn’t cry throughout the ceremony, not even once. It surprised himself _and_ his friends when Jongdae’s the one who tears up and he’s not even the one graduating. 

He’s in the middle of taking a photo with Jongin when he hears someone calling his name, “Chanyeol.”

He turns around and a sense of relief floods through him. His mom came, his mom’s here. “Mom? You came.” She’s still here despite knowing what he is.

“Of course I came honey. What kind of mother would miss her own baby’s graduation.” She says placing a hand on Chanyeol’s cheek.

“I thought--I thought you hated me.” He laughs sadly and leans down to hug her.

“I can never hate you.” His mom softly says.

And when he lets go, he looks around. “Is dad here…?”

“No honey. He’s not.”

“Oh.” His sister’s also not there, he realizes.

“Give him time.” His mom says, she must’’ve noticed the change in his expression. “Trust me he doesn’t hate you, we both can never hate you. He just needs time.”

“Do you also need time?” He asks carefully.

“Truthfully yes. But, I think, with time, I’ll be able to accept this lifestyle of yours.” He almost cringed at the word lifestyle but it’s good enough for now. His mom is trying so hard, and that’s the part that matters most.

“Thanks for being honest with me mom.” He smiles and hugs her again.

“It’s the least I can do after you’ve been so honest with us. And so brave. I’m so proud of you.”

And for the first time in a long while, Chanyeol feels his heart soar, and he feels a little bit of burden is finally lifted off of his shoulders.

“Hey.” He turns around and finds Baekhyun, waving at him and his mom. His mom hugs Baekhyun and then proceeds to have a chat with Baekhyun’s mom, leaving him and Baekhyun alone.

“Hi.” Chanyeol waves back. “So we made it.”

“We sure did.” Baekhyun laughs. “I saw your mom earlier but I couldn’t find your dad.”

“Oh he’s not here. Not feeling too well.” Chanyeol lies. He really doesn’t feel like talking about what happened. Especially not during his graduation. He doesn’t want to ruin Baekhyun’s day by telling him that his dad will probably never speak to him again.

“Wait really?” Baekhyun frowns. “But he’s missing his only son’s graduation…”

Chanyeol shrugs. “It would’ve been bad if we forced him to go. And noona’s taking care of him, so he’s okay. And it’s not like I won’t see him right after this.”

“I guess you’re right,” Baekhyun still looks upset. “I hope he’ll recover soon.”

“Thanks.” Chanyeol smiles at him, ignoring the ugly feeling forming in his chest for lying so much to Baekhyun.

“So hey, what are you gonna do before Busan?” Baekhyun changes the topic.

“I don’t know, go back home? Sleep?”

Baekhyun laughs at that. “That sounds like a solid plan.”

It was Chanyeol’s original plan, he’d planned on doing absolutely nothing but play games, watch youtube videos and binge watch a couple of tv shows before he finally leaves for Busan, but his dad refusing to come to his graduation changes things. It changes a lot of things.

“Hey Baek, can I…” Chanyeol trails off and Baekhyun looks at him, urging him to continue, “Can I hug you?”

“Do you even need to ask?” Baekhyun laughs, and he’s the one that wraps his arm around Chanyeol’s neck first.

Chanyeol hesitates at first, because it’s been so long since he’s last hugged Baekhyun and he’s scared that he’s overstepping some boundaries between them, but once he wraps his arms around Baekhyun’s waist and buries his face in Baekhyun’s hair, he suddenly feels like he can’t let go. He doesn’t want to let go.

And for a while, Baekhyun doesn’t let go too, but instead he holds on a little tighter.

They do eventually let go when they’re reminded that they’re in public by Jongin who comments “Really? Baekhyun hyung gets a hug but I don’t?” He says.

And Chanyeol rolls his eyes and laughs when he realizes Jongin forces himself into the hug. He’s so glad that out of anyone in the school, he’s got Jongin as a roommate-- Jongin who’s always there for him despite not knowing what’s going on, who never pries and always respects his privacy despite them living in a tiny cubicle for like four years.

Then not long after he feels another weight on his back, and realizes it’s Sehun who’s also joined in on the hug. Oh Sehun, the brat that nearly gave Chanyeol a heart attack when they’d first met. And despite being the youngest, he’s always the first one to speak his mind and the probably the glue that holds their entire friend group together by his tendency to make sure everyone feels welcomed.

He hears Jongdae laugh out loud before feeling yet another weight being stacked up and he groans because Jongdae also forces himself into the hug, but he doesn’t mind. Jongdae’s been with him for so long that Chanyeol’s sure he’s gonna miss his obnoxiously loud voice when he moves away.

He’s about to protest when he hears Jongdae calling out to Junmyeon convincing him to join the group hug (or more like just his friends forcing their weight on top of him and Baekhyun), and he groans when he hears Junmyeon laugh and joins in. Junmyeon acted like a mentor to all of them because he’s the only one who has his shit together, and Chanyeol’s pretty sure without his incessant nagging about how he should plan his courses better and plan out his schedule, he wouldn’t be graduating in the first place.

They all finally let go to let him and Baekhyun breathe when Baekhyun spots Kyungsoo nearby. His lips tugs into a mischievous smirk and Chanyeol flashes him a grin before they all run and this time, force Kyungsoo into the center of a group hug. And Chanyeol, feeling extra annoying, squishes his cheeks on Kyungsoo’s making the smaller almost scream at the invasion of his personal bubble, but Chanyeol can’t help it. He’s so fucking grateful for Kyungsoo--for the way he’d treated Chanyeol all the same when he told him he was different, for the way he’d looked out for all of them despite acting like he doesn’t give a shit. 

By the end of it they finally take a group photo, and Chanyeol couldn’t have asked for a better group of friends. It makes what he’s about to do so much harder.

Chanyeol decides to leave for Busan that night. He couldn’t stand another night in his house, not with his dad not even looking at him, and pretending like he doesn’t even exist. He needs to leave tonight and it breaks him a little that he’ll have to leave without telling his friends, without telling Baekhyun. But it’s just something that he needs to do, and he needs to do it now.

Luckily, his new flatmate, Zhang Yixing--an aspiring lawyer from China, didn’t mind that he came a month early. At first Chanyeol was nervous because his knowledge of the Chinese language was basically nonexistent. But he’s pleasantly surprised when it turns out that Yixing is very fluent in Korean.

As he’d expected, his friends were obviously weren’t pleased when he made the decision to leave without telling them. In his defense, he did mention it was after graduation, which it was, it’s just he ended up leaving a little bit earlier than he’d told them. And without saying goodbye.

Sehun and Jongdae were the ones most vocal about his abrupt departure from Seoul while the rest were disappointed but it seemed like they understood. Kyungsoo obviously understood the most. But Baekhyun--he’d expected Baekhyun to be angry, furious even that he’d left without a proper goodbye, but instead he hears nothing from him. For months on end he hears nothing.

He supposes he only has himself to blame for leaving the way he did, and he has no right to call Baekhyun now and say that he’s sorry because what good will that do? It’ll just reopen some old wounds and Chanyeol now finally feels like he can start over. And for him to start over, he accepts that he needs to let go of things from his past, even if he doesn’t want to.

He’s also walking on thin ice when it comes to his parents. Despite her best efforts, Chanyeol can see just how sad his mother truly is, and how she wished things were different. Although, it’s nice to be able to talk to her through several polite exchanges over the phone, so not much has changed, except for the slight addition of disappointment in her voice every now and then. And she _is_ trying. His dad on the other hand--he hasn’t spoken to since the day he came out. Which is sadly, what he’d expected. Chanyeol kinda got the point during his graduation, nothing screams _I don’t have a son_ more than skipping his graduation.

But nothing, and he means nothing can compare to Yoora’s phone call a few days after he settled in Busan. A part of him hoped that it would be her calling to congratulate him on graduating, and apologizing for not making it to his graduation, but it was none of that. It was what he’d expected actually; his sister calling just to scream and demean him, and talk about how his lifestyle broke his entire family’s heart and that he needed to repent. Chanyeol hung up before she could start praying for his soul.

Over the past few months, Chanyeol learns how to breathe again, how to make new friends, laugh, sleep and eat--he learns how to function and feel like a normal human being again. But at the same time, despite feeling like he’s finally at peace, he doesn’t feel completely whole, like something about him has changed for good, like a piece of him is just… not there. Like he’s broken in a way that’s just irreparable.

He writes it down in his journal and when the feeling doesn’t go away, he decides to talk to Kyungsoo about it. And finally, three months after his graduation in February and moving away to Busan, he realizes that what he’s feeling is just another side effect of heartbreak. A piece of him is left behind and probably attached to Baekhyun, it’s gonna stay that way forever, and he’ll just have to learn to live with it.

Overall he does keep in touch with most of his friends through the group chat that they have, and while Chanyeol isn’t as loud or doesn’t spam as much as he used to, he still chimes in from time to time; sending pictures and random selfies of his adventures in Busan. And his friends update him too, especially whenever they have group outings. Jongdae sends a photo of them together in a round table, flipping off the camera with big grins on their faces (except for Kyungsoo who looks like he’s just flipping Chanyeol off for real with the blank expression on his face). And there’s a new person in the group, he has brown hair and features that remind Chanyeol of a cat, and he knows it’s the infamous Kim Minseok--Jongdae’s new editor and frequent cameo star on his channel, and while they’ve never met in person, Minseok treats him like they’ve known each other for years.

Chanyeol heart stutters a bit when he sees the photo, he misses his friends so damn much, but he also smiles because despite him running away and keeping them in the dark, they’re giving Chanyeol the space that he needs.

His heartbeat picks up when he notices Baekhyun in the picture--his hair is now blond and he’s flipping Chanyeol off much like the others but only with a reserved smile on his face. He looks cute. After internally cursing at himself for still thinking that his _ex_ is cute, he takes the photo as a sign that maybe Baekhyun doesn’t completely hate him for leaving. Maybe.

After much contemplation, Chanyeol decides to call Baekhyun on his birthday, breaking the three month silence between them. At first he thought that he shouldn’t force himself into Baekhyun’s life when _he_ was the one who left, but he’ll let Baekhyun make the decision for him. Besides, the thought of missing Baekhyun’s birthday just doesn’t sit right with him.

Baekhyun picks up after five rings and Chanyeol almost cries at the sound of his voice. "Chanyeol?"

Chanyeol is weirdly relieved knowing Baekhyun hasn't deleted his contact from his phone nor has he blocked him. So that’s gotta be a good sign, right?

"Hey happy birthday." Chanyeol says, his voice a bit wobbly from nervousness.

"Thanks. I, uh, didn't think you remembered."

"Of course I did. I was just caught up the whole day." If anything, Chanyeol spent the entire day thinking about it.

"Right. So how is Busan?" Baekhyun says, still a little awkward.

"It's nice, a bit different than what I’m used to,” Chanyeol replies, “but it’s a fresh start.”

“Look,” Chanyeol starts again before Baekhyun speaks, “I know this is long overdue...but I’m really sorry about the way I left.”

Baekhyun doesn’t reply immediately, there’s a bit of silence between them but he does eventually sigh, "It's okay, I'm sure you had your reasons."

"I did. I--I just really needed to get away." Chanyeol tries to explain quickly, he knows that this isn’t enough, this barely scratches the surface but he’s not ready to talk about this to Baekhyun.

And Baekhyun seems to understand that, but he always understood Chanyeol in one way or another. "How are you now?"

"I'm okay.” He is, for the first time in forever, he feels like he’s slowly becoming okay again. “What about you? Everything okay with you?”

“Yeah, I took your advice and rented the apartment.” Baekhyun says.

Oh.

“Oh that’s great, is Jieun well?” Chanyeol forces out, ignoring the ugly churn in his stomach.

“She’s great, but I should be the one asking the important questions here,” Baekhyun says and Chanyeol feels his heart stop a little, dreading at the thought of having to answer difficult questions-- “so did you end up adopting a dog?”

Oh thank god.

Chanyeol clears his throat, “Uh planning to, still looking around some shelters but I’ll definitely let you know when I do.”

Okay, after that phone call, Chanyeol thinks that they’re at least friends again, nowhere near as close as they used to be, but it’s something. Something for him to build on. Maybe once he gets a grip on his feelings for good, he might just be able to have Baekhyun back in his life--just not the way he wants it to be.

It takes him a long time before he can come to terms with the fact that he’ll never have Baekhyun the way that he did; he’ll never be able to kiss him, make love to him, or hold his hand like he used to. And he still backpaddles at times when he thinks about this, one day he gets up in the morning and he thinks he’s doing better than he was yesterday, that he’s slowly moving on, but then the next day, he feels like he’s back to square one, fighting the urge to drive back to Seoul and beg Baekhyun to take him back.

But of course he couldn’t do that, so he stays in Busan and keeps his heart at a safe distance.

==

Six months go by in the blink of an eye when you have satan for a boss. Chanyeol’s internship is absolutely hellish and sometimes he wonders how he doesn’t just throw himself out the window, but then he’s reminded of the rent that he needs to pay and how liberating financial independence will be. And considering how he’s basically cut off from his family and he has no plans on asking them for money, or anything, ever again, he desperately needs the money and job, no matter how underpaid he is.

But it does eventually pay off because he gets hired full time right before his birthday, and Yixing, being the sweetest roommate offers to treat Chanyeol by dragging him to the nearest Starbucks after work so Chanyeol can get his favorite drink _for free_. Despite his initial reluctance, Chanyeol ends up agreeing because the promise of, again, _free_ drinks and possibly a cake doesn’t sound too bad.

“Seriously? I told you to order anything you want and in any size and you settled for an iced americano?” Yixing actually looks offended over his drink choice.

“Look I really need coffee right now or I’ll die.” Chanyeol says dryly, as he walks to the corner table to get a seat.

“Bad day?”

“The worst.” Chanyeol burying his face in his arms and he stays like that, not moving an inch even when he hears the barista call his name.

“Okay, okay. You stay like that and I’ll get the drinks.”

Chanyeol looks up when he hears Yixing let out a yelp, his vision is still a little cloudy but he sees his friend looking a little flabbergasted while he holds their drinks a little up high in the air.

“You okay?” Chanyeol raises an eyebrow when Yixing finally sits down.

“Yeah, just some weird blond kid crashed into me.” Yixing sets one cup in front of Chanyeol, and sips on the other one. “He looked around then bolted out the door.”

“Must be in a hurry.” Which isn’t a surprise because people in the downtown of a big city are always in a hurry--stealing cabs, crashing into strangers, the whole nine yards.

Chanyeol does end up getting cupcakes for himself and Yixing on their way back home and he eats them in silence and alone, because Yixing decided to fall asleep on him the moment his face hits his bed. 

It gives Chanyeol time to reflect a little, and it’s a little bittersweet when he thinks about where he’s ended up. Growing up, he always thought that he’d be working with his dad, and that maybe he’ll find a little apartment in the downtown of Seoul and finally save enough money to go to New York with Baekhyun.

Instead he’s here, in Busan, sharing an apartment with someone he doesn’t know, interning for a job that underpays him for the amount of work that he actually does, not speaking to his dad nor Baekhyun.

He’s weirdly content, and he deserves to pat himself on the back for making it this far on his own, but it doesn’t stop him from thinking a bit too much about Baekhyun on his birthday.

Not that he was expecting anything, but Baekhyun doesn’t give him a call on his birthday, but instead he sends a nice birthday text, and Chanyeol thinks it’s enough. Baekhyun doesn’t owe him anything and he’s glad that he still takes time out of his life to wish Chanyeol a happy birthday.

As he looks out into Busan’s beautiful skyline, he thinks that he should really get used to this. He should get used to the idea that he’s no longer the most important person in Baekhyun’s life, and maybe he should find someone that’ll take Baekhyun’s spot in his life too.

That’s what moving on is all about right? It’s painful as fuck, Chanyeol already feels the ugly pit in his stomach at the thought of leaving everything he’s had with Baekhyun behind, even after two years Chanyeol still thinks he’s not ready.

But he needs to. This time he really needs to let go.

=

The someone that Chanyeol replaces Baekhyun with turns out to be his boss--but not in that kind of way, jesus. Similar to how he was in his senior year of university, Chanyeol throws everything he has into work and it turns into a bit of an obsession. Yixing even called him a workaholic. So instead of having someone as the center of his universe, he puts work at the center instead, and while it’s not the healthiest choice for someone to make at least he won’t wake up one day to find out that his work and his boss doesn’t love him anymore.

And for his social life, well for the past two years he’s been in Busan it’s pretty much nonexistent except for the occasional hookups here and there, mostly just a way to blow off steam. But he does end up making one friend at work; Lee Jooheon, who joins Chanyeol’s team at work a year after he’d started, and to his surprise, they get along quite well. He also likes that Jooheon looks up to him and follows him around like a puppy most of the time.

“He totally likes you.” Yixing teases one night over dinner.

“Can you stop?” He’s in denial and he knows it, even someone as oblivious as him knows how hard Jooheon is crushing on him.

“He’s cute, you should ask him out.” Yixing ignores him. “It’s getting kinda painful seeing the kid follow you around and even sending you food because he just so happens to order too much ‘extra chicken’” he makes air quotes with his hands.

Chanyeol rolls his eyes. “You know why I can’t do that.”

“Ah so you’ve made up your mind?”

Chanyeol nods. There’s a big reason why he can’t ask Jooheon or anyone else out right now, because he’s yet again at a crossroad and thankfully, making decisions isn’t as painful this time around.

Two years and two promotions later, Chanyeol finally made the decision to move back to Seoul. It wasn’t planned either, one day Seunghwan, yes his ex-girlfriend Son Seunghwan, contacted him through linkedin and asked him if he was interested in a job at the start up that she’s currently working for. And at first, Chanyeol isn’t too keen on the idea of having to go back to Seoul and face the problems that are still very much hanging out in the open, but when she mentions that he will be getting a hundred percent increment on his salary, he couldn’t say no.

“Going back to Seoul huh? Not gonna lie, I’m gonna miss you bud, but I’ve had you all to myself for two years, time for me to return you to your friends.” Yixing jokes as he takes a bite out of his pizza.

Chanyeol groans. “Ugh I don’t wanna think about facing my friends right now.”

"Why do you sound so miserable? You said they're like your best friends."

"Well yeah, but you know what happened." They both know why Chanyeol hasn’t visited his hometown for the last two years; and that reason is just plain old big fat guilt.

"Chanyeol, it's been two years and you talk to them constantly, you know they’re over it." Yixing reasons.

Chanyeol has stayed in contact with all of his friends, Baekhyun included, and he knows for a fact that none of them aren’t holding any grudges. It’s just weird thinking about how he’ll move back to Seoul and expect things to be the same, like he just can’t waltz back into their lives when so much has changed.

When he says a lot has changed, he means like _a lot_ \--Jongdae yes that same Kim Jongdae who stalked his longtime girlfriend from a diner window that one time, actually proposed to her not too long ago. Even made an entire video about it, which may or may not have made him cry when he first watched it.

Jongin is now planning to open his own dance studio with the money he’s saved up over the years, Kyungsoo finally got his medical degree after like a billion years, Sehun, Junmyeon and Baekhyun are all thriving in all of their respective careers. And from what he’s heard Minseok is still working with Jongdae. They all have their own lives without Chanyeol in it.

"I just feel like I don’t deserve them as friends, you know?" Chanyeol pouts, maybe he is overthinking.

"Sounds like you're just trying to avoid difficult conversations with your friends."

"There's so much that they don't know…" And it’s one hundred percent his fault too.

"That's because you shut them out.” Yixing says, there’s a hint of frustration in his voice. “Chanyeol, you have to meet them halfway, they care about you."

"It's better for them not to know." He says stubbornly.

"About who you really are? If they're half as great as you said they were then they wouldn't care. If they leave you then good riddance. You'll find better friends."

"No. They've been great friends to me. I'm just--"

"Scared?" Yixing cuts him off.

Before he responds, Yixing closes the pizza box in front of them and looks at Chanyeol straight in the eye. "Look, I understand how terrifying it is. Being rejected by the people you love is something that can hurt you for a long time.” His expression softens a little, and then he continues, “And I'm sorry that you went through that with your family but I believe there's good in every person. Especially the ones you choose to love, and the ones who choose to love you. Have a little faith in them, people might just surprise you."

"Well, you did surprise me." Chanyeol feels the corner of his lips tugging into a small smile.

"Isn't it the other way around?” Yixing chuckles, his face no longer serious. “You coming home shitfaced and started unloading all of your emotional baggage in one night?"

"Sorry.” Chanyeol cringes at the memory of that night, or well, the parts that he could actually remember. “But thanks hyung. I wouldn't know what to do without you."

So he does end up moving back to Seoul, saying goodbye to Yixing was definitely hard, he even teared up a little. But here he is, back in the city he left behind almost three years ago, and of course, Chanyeol being Chanyeol, forgets to really mention to anyone that he’s moving back.

And now that he’s settled in his new studio apartment, he doesn’t know how he should break the news to his friends. Should he just send them a text saying _hey sorry for forgetting to tell you guys but i’m back after three years haha?_ He decides against it because he’s a hundred percent sure they’ll give him hell, mostly because he’s robbed them the opportunity of throwing a welcome back party that they’ve mentioned several times throughout the years.

Maybe he’ll start slow, he’ll start with Kyungsoo who’s probably the only one who won’t lose his shit over the news, but something in him tells him that maybe he should start with Baekhyun. It feels wrong to not tell Baekhyun something this important, or at least not letting him be the first one to know that Chanyeol’s back.

Despite being apart for years, Chanyeol tries his best at maintaining their friendship; Baekhyun’s the first one he calls when he’d finally landed the promotion and when he’d finally adopted a dog--and Baekhyun laughed when he says he’d decided to call his dog Toben. He can tell that Baekhyun appreciates Chanyeol’s efforts because he does the exact same thing, he calls Chanyeol every now and then to update him on big changes in his life.

And for the most part, it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. It still hurts and is slightly humiliating when Chanyeol slips up every now and then and says stupid shit like _I wish you were here_ when he had a video call with Baekhyun to show him the amazing sunset that he was watching. But he can’t ignore the slight ache in his heart when he hears Baekhyun says _me too_.

So there you go, what the fuck was Chanyeol supposed to do with that information? He really doesn’t know what to feel about the entire situation and really, really doesn’t know how him moving back will change things between them. So he convinces himself that he’s thinking too much into it and maybe Baekhyun just meant that he wants to see the sunset in real life too, regardless of who it’s with.

He knows Baekhyun’s single now, and that he’d broken up with Jieun quite some time ago. Funnily enough, Chanyeol finds out through Jongdae’s channel. Yes, Jongdae has somehow managed to drag Baekhyun into making this series with him and Minseok called “Saturdays with CBX”, where they do challenges and answer questions and all that fun youtube stuff.

And it’s a fun series that Chanyeol watches religiously whenever he has the time, he even comments stupid stuff on the videos--his favorite being; _I think I should be the C in CBX_ , and he receives a reply from no other than Jongdae himself telling him to _fuck off_ followed by a sarcastic smiley face.

There’s this part in the CBX Q&A video that Jongdae decides to answer a comment from a subscriber that asked about their current relationship status, and he obviously answered that he’s been taken since he was like in middle school, but imagine his surprise when both Minseok and Baekhyun say that they are in fact, _single._

Chanyeol swears he’s never reached for his phone faster in his life, and he furiously taps on his phone until he reaches Baekhyun’s instagram page, and what do you know, all of his pictures with Jieun are gone, at least the couple pictures are. The group pictures are still there, and he’s still following Jieun so they must be on good terms. And he doesn’t know what to make of it all. Should he be happy? But he’s not. He’s definitely not thrilled that Baekhyun broke up with his possibly serious girlfriend, he’s just… worried. There’s this overwhelming urge to call Baekhyun, and just be there for him, he wants to listen. But he decides that it’s better to let Baekhyun be the one to tell him first before he mentions it to him.

Baekhyun does eventually break the news to Chanyeol himself the next time he calls in December, he mentions it kinda casually that he’d moved out and rented his own place, and how he hasn’t been with Jieun since October. And Baekhyun sounds okay, Chanyeol doesn’t push him because Baekhyun’s obviously still a bit uncomfortable discussing his dating life with Chanyeol so they ended up talking about Toben and how he turned out to be a hellspawn instead.

Because the universe hates him, Chanyeol ends up having to tell Jongdae first about his move instead of Baekhyun or Kyungsoo. It happens when Jongdae calls him out of the blue one afternoon just as Chanyeol unpacks what must be his hundredth hoodie. 

“So, you are coming to my wedding right?” is the first thing he says when Chanyeol picks up.

“Of course.”

“Good. I thought I was gonna have to drag your ass all the way back here. What did you think of the invitation? Were the frills a bit much?”

“Invitations? You mean the evites?”

“No obviously not, the paper ones. Chungha sent them out a week ago?”

Chanyeol closes his eyes and cringes, already dreading what’s about to happen. “What address did you use?” He knows for a fact that Jongdae used his Busan address. 

“Your usual address dumbass, it’s not like you’ve been in Seoul for the past three years.”

He considers lying and using it got lost in the mail as an excuse, but he sighs instead, it’s probably about time he becomes more honest with his friends. “Actually.”

“Oh my god, you moved back to Seoul?”

“Yup.”

“Without telling me?!”

Chanyeol distances himself from his phone’s speakers because Jongdae’s voice is getting a bit too loud. “It slipped my mind, I had more stuff than I thought.”

“So where are you now? Your parents house?”

“No, I rented an apartment.”

“Address. Now.” Jongdae demands and Chanyeol gives in immediately.

He knew Jongdae was going to visit him sooner or later but he didn’t think he’d be here _an hour_ after their call.

“I can’t believe you!” Jongdae says but hugs him nonetheless.

“Nice to see you too.” Chanyeol laughs and hugs him back.

“Here’s your fucking invite,” Jongdae slaps the invitation onto Chanyeol’s chest. “You can write your name yourself and be grateful I didn’t just throw this away considering how much of a crappy friend you’ve been.”

“I know.” Chanyeol chuckles a little. He’s been a terrible friend and he knows it, and not just to Jongdae, but to all of them.

“Not even an attempt at denial?”

“No, like you said, I’ve been a crappy friend to all of you.”

“Dude I’m kidding, we understood that you were going through something,” Jongdae sighs and he nudges Chanyeol playfully. “We told you this already.”

“I just needed to leave. That day, I had to get out.” Chanyeol finally admits to Jongdae.

“What happened, Chanyeol? Jongdae asks softly this time, “Did you know how shocked we were when we heard you moved away without saying goodbye like that?”

Chanyeol sits down on his couch and Jongdae sits next to him, their shoulders brushing. “I...I couldn’t stand being in that house anymore. I had to leave.” He repeats. “I wasn’t even thinking I just knew I had to get out.”

“I understand that but what I don’t understand is how you felt the need to run away all the way to Busan like that, if something was going on at home then you know you could’ve gone to any of us.” Jongdae frowns at him, and Chanyeol always knew that he has friends to turn to, but unfortunately for him, it’s so much more complicated than that. He doesn’t want to drag his friends into his mess.

“Baekhyun literally lives right down the street from you.” Jongdae adds, and he looks so frustrated.

“I couldn’t go to Baekhyun, I just--it’s just--”

“What is it? Chanyeol I’m one of your oldest friends, I’ve seen you before puberty, dude you know I won’t judge.” Jongdae jokes and it eases Chanyeol a little.

“I know.” Chanyeol says. “I didn’t want to drag any of you into my mess. I had a falling out with my family and I just felt like I should just go and be out of everyone’s lives. I needed a fresh start.” He explains.

“Yeah we figured that something happened with you and your family, and I understand that maybe you couldn’t have gone to me or the others about this, but Baekhyun? You’re telling me that it’s so bad that you can’t even tell your bestest best friend?”

“I thought you said you were his bestest best friend.” Chanyeol jokes and Jongdae hits him lightly.

“Oh come on, we all know it’s always been you.” Jongdae says. “What happened between you and Baekhyun? And don’t say nothing because I’m getting real tired of you keeping me in the dark here Yeol. You both mean a lot to me, you know this.”

“I know.” Chanyeol smiles sadly. “I couldn’t go to Baekhyun that day because, I...” Chanyeol pauses and he inhales a bit of air before he continues, “I wanted to get away from him too.”

Jongdae remains quiet for a moment before he speaks, “Funny, Baekhyun said the exact same thing when we asked him about why you might’ve skipped town that day.”

What?

Chanyeol looks up in confusion. “What did he say?”

Jongdae takes a deep breath. “Well, after we all haven’t heard from you for like three days and you weren’t picking up any of our calls, he called your mom. And imagine his shock when he hears his bestest best friend left for Busan a month early, and worse, without even saying goodbye.”

Chanyeol stays quiet and lets Jongdae continue. “Baekhyun was a wreck for that entire month, he stopped going out and when he does go out, you can kinda tell he’s not really there. His appetite also kinda disappeared.”

Chanyeol feels the pit in his stomach forming, he never intended for Baekhyun to feel that way. He’d never wanted to make Baekhyun miserable like that.

“When we asked him about you and what we should do, he said that we should give you space. And then--I don’t know if the others caught it, but I was sitting next to him that time, and he mumbled something about how you probably left because you wanted to get away from him.”

It keeps getting worse and worse, Chanyeol thinks. And just when he doesn’t think it could hurt more than already did, Jongdae continues and says something that breaks Chanyeol’s heart all over again. “There was this time, where he got drunk and he ended up at my doorstep. He was like black out drunk, almost like that time in high school. When I was helping him sober up, he just kept crying and crying and kept calling out for you, saying that he’s sorry and stuff like _Chanyeol please don’t hate me_ over and over again.”

Chanyeol looks away from Jongdae, he feels so guilty. He didn’t realize that Baekhyun would be so affected by his sudden departure, he didn’t realize that he’d been selfish when he left, and how easily he brushed off Baekhyun’s feelings towards him. It’s easy to forget that once upon a time, Baekhyun did feel the same way he did, when he sees Baekhyun bouncing back into his normal self so soon after their break up. But Chanyeol should’ve known better.

“I don’t hate him.” He whispers quietly. He actually wonders how Jongdae and Baekhyun don't hate him yet, after the things he’s done. “I never meant to--”

“I know.” Jongdae cuts him off. “Chanyeol, anyone would have to be blind and a fucking moron to think that you and Baekhyun hurt each other on purpose.”

“I can’t believe you managed to keep all this to yourself.” Chanyeol looks at Jongdae.

Jongdae smiles a little at him, “Yeah well, I wasn’t gonna force you or Baek to say anything when you two clearly weren’t ready. You guys are my best friends.”

But Chanyeol thinks he’s finally ready now, Jongdae deserves the truth regardless of how it might change their friendship. He’s done so much for him and Baekhyun and he truly cares so much for the both of them, so Chanyeol decides to take the leap.

“I was in love with him.” Chanyeol says. The feeling of being able to tell Jongdae, one of his oldest friends the truth, feels cathartic. He’s nervous about how Jongdae would react, but he knows he’s doing the right thing this time.

“Wow, okay.” He says after a brief pause, his eyes slightly widening. “Wow.”

“Yeah.” Chanyeol laughs a little, with no real humor in it. “Are you grossed out?”

“What? No!” Jongdae says quickly. “I mean it’s--what it is. But I’m okay with it.”

Chanyeol’s slightly overwhelmed with relief, “I, wow. I always thought you were against the gay thing, since you know you were kinda grossed out when you found out about Minho and Kibum hyung in high school.” He remembers the incident as one of the big reasons that made him and Baekhyun hide their whole relationship from Jongdae for so long.

Jongdae looks at him, and sighs. “I was a boy in high school, what else would have I said?” He leans back to the couch and continues, “I mean I’m not proud of it now, and I know it’s not an excuse but I just, I didn’t know any better. It was how everyone was reacting, so I thought I had to react that way too.”

People really can surprise you sometimes, and in the best way possible. Chanyeol’s heart hurt a little at seeing how ashamed Jongdae was about the whole thing, he probably feels worse about it now, knowing that he and Baekhyun were exactly like Minho and Kibum.

“And if I’d known about you-- fuck dude I never would’ve said that.” Jongdae says covering his face with both of his palms.

“Don’t worry about it,” Chanyeol nudges him a little with his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. “I’m sorry that I kept it from you for so long, I felt like shit.”

“No,” Jongdae shakes his head, “I’m glad you kept it for me, honestly I don’t know how I would’ve reacted back then. Might have even said something hurtful knowing how my mouth moves before my brain most of the time.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“I’m just glad you trust me enough to tell me this now. What’s in the past is in the past, yeah?”

Chanyeol couldn’t agree more, so as a display of affection, he practically tackles Jongdae into a big hug. “I honestly don’t care if you like dicks--”

“Okay, now _I’m_ grossed out.” Chanyeol quickly pushes Jongdae away while the other just laughs at Chanyeol’s discomfort.

After his laughter dies down, Jongdae asks him something, his voice is slightly softer than it’d been just now, “Did you ever tell him that you were…?”

_Hopelessly in love with him?_

“I did. A few times.”

Jongdae frowns a bit, biting down on his own lips, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.” He says afterwards with genuine regret in his eyes.

“It’s okay, it’s not like I gave you the option.” Chanyeol smiles and places a hand on Jongdae’s shoulder to reassure him.

“Does anyone else know?”

“Kyungsoo knows. He’s the first person I ever came out to.” 

“Everything makes a lot more sense now--how you and Baekhyun just drifted apart and how Kyungsoo was always so against us doing anything.” Jongdae says solemnly.

Chanyeol doesn’t say anything, so they sit in comfortable silence for a bit.

“It makes sense now, why you left.” Jongdae turns to him. “Was it just because of Baekhyun?”

“A big part of it I guess, I couldn’t really handle being around him. But for the most part, it was because my dad didn’t even want to look at me after I came out, neither did my sister.”

“Fuck, Chanyeol--” Jongdae gapes, looking distressed as he runs a hand through his hair.

“It’s okay.” Chanyeol reassures him again, before his friend starts apologizing. “Really, I’m okay… moving to Busan was the right thing to do.”

“But you had to deal with all of that alone, that must’ve been hard. I just wish we could have been there.” He sighs, slumping and sliding further down the couch.

Chanyeol shrugs, smiling a little at him, “You’re here now aren’t you?”

That’s really all that matters. He couldn't have asked for more, not when Jongdae’s being so accepting and so open minded about things that he didn’t understand while they were growing up.

Jongdae flashes him a grin and nods, “Do you still...?” He asks with a soft voice.

Chanyeol looks away and stares absentmindedly on the tv across the couch. He weirdly feels like Jongdae knows more than he lets on, but he’s glad he’s not pushing further. “I’m not answering any more of your questions sober.”

Jongdae chuckles. “Alright. Let’s go, all drinks on me.” He says as he drags Chanyeol towards the door.

That night, Jongdae somehow manages to convince Chanyeol to tell Baekhyun that he’s back in town. Something about how he needs to communicate better, and maybe talk through their issues or something. Plus Chanyeol’s been planning on telling Baekhyun this whole time anyway so he’ll get around to it, eventually.

But then he freaks out every time he’s about to press call and procrastinates, like the dumbass that he is. He delays and delays until the universe, who at this point must hate him, decides that Chanyeol will run into Baekhyun at an IKEA on a random Friday evening.

His soul practically leaves his body for like a split second when he sees Baekhyun and Sehun browsing different desk lamps. And Chanyeol being the idiot that he is, tries to hide behind the nearest shelf, which unfortunately for him, is too short to hide his full height, but he hopes for the best anyway.

But of course out of all the things Sehun decides to look at, he turns his attention to the wardrobe display that’s exactly in front of Chanyeol.

“Chanyeol hyung?” Sehun sounds unsure at first but Chanyeol knows he’s toast. “Hyung it is you!” He says.

“Hey!” Chanyeol steps forward to reveal himself, and he wants to fling himself into the sun because of how awkward he’s being. To make things worse, it’s painfully obvious to all of them that Chanyeol was just _hiding_.

“Why didn’t you tell us you were in Seoul?” Sehun says.

“It slipped my mind.” It sounds so much like an excuse even though he’s telling the truth. “With the move and all it’s been a bit overwhelming.”

“You’re moving back?” Baekhyun finally speaks for the first time, his hair is now a soft brown color, a little longer than it used to be and Chanyeol is acutely aware that this is the first time they’ve spoken face to face after graduation well over three years ago.

“Yeah, I got a better offer here.” Chanyeol says. “And it’s about time I came home.”

“Oh man I wish you told us sooner, we could’ve had a welcome back party.” Sehun gives him a hug and Chanyeol hugs back, he missed this. He missed all of his friends.

“Sorry. It’s just a lot, especially with the new place and Toben adjusting.”

“You got your own place? Sweet!” Sehun says.

Chanyeol nods and grins. “An apartment downtown, walking distance to the office.” He couldn’t believe his luck when he found a vacant apartment for rent that’s within his budget, in downtown Seoul within walking distance. He got so excited and couldn’t sleep for a week until he knew for sure that he’d secured the place.

Sehun doesn’t end up throwing Chanyeol a big welcome party but instead he insists that he wants to check out his new place as soon as possible, and when he means soon, he means Saturday, which is literally the next day. Baekhyun was dragged into it, and much to Chanyeol’s surprise, he didn’t seem to mind at all, and agreed almost immediately.

“Sehun says he’s stuck at the studio.” Baekhyun says as soon as Chanyeol opens the door. “So it’s just you and me.”

“Fine by me.” Chanyeol shrugs, even though he might potentially combust at any moment. Can you really blame him? This is the first time he’s been alone with Baekhyun in such a long time and Chanyeol suddenly doesn’t know what to say or what to do with his hands.

“I’m sorry for barging in alone like this, I should’ve told you before coming that Sehun couldn’t make it before I came.” Baekhyun says, probably just as unnerved by the awkward tension between them as Chanyeol is.

“No it’s fine. I’m glad you’re here.”

And for the most part, it’s not so bad. They ordered pizza, turned on netflix and after twenty minutes of bickering on what to watch, they finally settled on watching How I Met Your Mother for like the twentieth time. Chanyeol eases up a bit when he feels the atmosphere isn’t as tense as when Baekhyun arrived, it also helps that they both refuse to address the elephant in the room for the first two hours.

Chanyeol’s also never been so grateful for Toben because Baekhyun spends at least an hour playing with Toben and chasing him around the apartment, saving Chanyeol the awkwardness of constantly trying to make conversation with him.

“I love Toben, I don’t know why you keep saying he’s a demon.” Baekhyun says, finally letting Toben go after giving the dog a quick kiss.

“He likes you, he’s only a turd when he’s with me.” Chanyeol scowls at his dog and Baekhyun snorts at his expression.

“Maybe you’re just too harsh on him.”

Chanyeol scoffs. He treated Toben like royalty when he first adopted him, even opting to cut out his own spending so he could splurge a little on his dog, and what did he get in return? His dog acting like an absolute angel to everyone _but_ him. “You can take him if you want.” He’s kidding of course, he loves Toben even though he drives Chanyeol nuts.

“Nah, I think he likes this place a lot.” Baekhyun says as he stares at Toben who’s running around the apartment at lightning speed, “Speaking of which, I’m very impressed with your apartment and how clean it is.”

Chanyeol rolls his eyes, he’s not usually this clean and he made an effort to clean up before Baekhyun showed up and he knows Baekhyun _knows_ this. “I try to keep it clean as a true responsible adult should.”

Baekhyun laughs, “Any reason why you’re here instead of moving back in with your family?”

“Financial independence for the most part.”

“The most part?”

“Uh yeah, I’m not actually in a good place with my family.” Chanyeol starts. “It happened a long time ago though, so I’m okay now. We’re just not on speaking terms.”

The playful smile disappeared from Baekhyun’s face almost instantly, “What happened?”

Chanyeol sighs. “I, uh, I may have come out to them. You know about the whole liking guys thing.”

Baekhyun’s eyes widened, “Shit and did they...?”

“Kick me out? No, they didn’t. Dad and noona stopped talking to me though, but mom still calls every once in a while.” Chanyeol smiles a little to reassure Baekhyun.

“Yeol I’m so sorry.” Baekhyun says quietly. “That must’ve been really hard, and I should’ve been there for you.”

“No, you don’t need to apologize.” Chanyeol says, “I didn’t want to talk about it to anyone for a long time after it happened. And I’m okay now, see?”

“But still…”

“It’s okay, really. I’m--I’m actually glad I came clean that day, I mean sure it was really hard but I felt something was lifted off my shoulder bit by bit, you know? It got better with time.” Chanyeol smiles again.

Baekhyun is quiet for a while. “Thank you, for telling me.” He says. “You didn’t need to but--”

“I wanted to.” Chanyeol says. He wants to be honest with Baekhyun, now that they’re both here and just maybe, they finally have a shot at rebuilding their friendship.

“Then I’ll be honest to you too.”

“Okay?” Chanyeol raises an eyebrow.

“Sehun told me he couldn’t make it two hours ago. I still wanted to come by anyway.”

“Oh.” Chanyeol’s heart skips a beat. “That’s fine, I guess.”

“That’s because I wanted to ask you something in person.”

“What is it?”

“Do you, uh, wanna go to Jongdae’s wedding with me?”

Chanyeol gapes a little. “Me? You wanna go with me?”

“Yeah, for old time’s sake. Plus everyone else has a date and I don’t wanna go alone. Unless you already have a date then I’m sorry for even bringing this up.” Baekhyun quickly says, looking flustered.

“No, it’s fine. I don’t have a date either.” Chanyeol agrees. He doesn’t know how to feel about all this but the idea of going with Baekhyun doesn’t sound too bad, and he didn’t want to go stag to the wedding, so why the hell not?

Of course, Jongdae, being himself, wanted the most lavish wedding for his bride. So they held the entire thing in Jeju Island. The event is universe and space themed and it is magical, Jongdae is also having the entire thing documented which makes him extra nervous because if he acts stupid, they’ll have everything on footage and they can make fun of him for it.

Baekhyun is, of course, the best man. Which is hilarious because he’s been stressing out the past few weeks over his speech and he often calls Chanyeol during random times of the day just to talk about his speech and whether it was good enough. Chanyeol’s happy to help though, he likes looking back on all of his memories with Jongdae, including how he disliked him at first, to which of course, Baekhyun had to include in his speech.

He wakes up one night and freaks the fuck out because it hits him that he’s going to a wedding _with_ Baekhyun, like officially going together as dates. It might be just a friendly date, but still. The wedding itself is set to happen on a Saturday and Jongdae offers them a one day free-of-charge vacation on Sunday, so they’re all set to arrive on Friday evening then go back to Seoul on Monday afternoon.

Once Chanyeol gets to the venue, which is a resort right next to the beach, he realizes that this is going to be one hell of a weekend. Everything is romantic and love was just in the air for everyone, well except for him. Although he is grateful that they were at least assigned to different rooms at the hotel.

Despite his initial nervousness, Baekhyun’s speech went well, a lot of people laughed because of course, he’s naturally funny and charming and Chanyeol can’t wipe the dumb smile off his face every time Baekhyun looks at him for reassurance.

And it makes him super happy that he’s finally back with his friends, after three whole years, he finally feels like his old self again. A little different, but he hasn’t joked around so freely with Jongin and Sehun for so long that he actually almost cries by the end of it. He also meets Minseok in person after like a billion years of only talking to him in the group chat, and much like he expected, he’s a really cool guy, just a bit shorter than Chanyeol originally thought. Although Junmyeon pointed out it’s Chanyeol who needs to stop growing because frankly, he’s towering over all of his friends.

After dancing like idiots with Jongin, who must have tried to break Chanyeol’s leg on purpose with all of the moves he tried to teach him, he sits back down at the table to breathe for a little bit.

“Having a good time?” Baekhyun approaches him two drinks in hand.

“Thanks.” Chanyeol says when Baekhyun hands him the glass and he takes a sip. “Yeah it’s great, I mean I might’ve dislocated my ankle thanks to Jongin but yeah.”

“I haven’t seen you like that since--” Baekhyun cuts himself off, but Chanyeol knew what he was about to say. Because it’s true, Chanyeol hasn’t felt like this since they broke up.

“It’s been a weird few years.” Chanyeol says instead. Everything’s not perfect, and he can’t lie to himself that there isn’t still some part of him that longs for the man sitting right next to him, that somehow he’s not hurting anymore, because he is. He’s just learned to become stronger and how to live with the pain of not being able to be with Baekhyun. “It feels kinda weird, being here with everyone, you know after being away for so long.”

“Tell me about it.” Baekhyun chuckles and swirls the glass he’s holding. “It’s like I walked into this room and suddenly, boom, I feel like I stepped into my sophomore year again.”

Chanyeol snorts. “Sophomore year was pretty great.” For the most part.

“It was.” Baekhyun says. “I mean it was weird seeing you and Jongin goofing around like that, and having Sehun and Kyungsoo bicker about which food is better, and Junmyeon admiring the decorations--it just feels nostalgic to me.”

“Definitely. Even talking next to you like this makes me feel like I woke up in the past.” Chanyeol admits, it’s almost like everything is the same, except for one or two things. “Except this time Jongdae’s married.”

“Oh god, that’s what freaks me out the most. I still can’t believe he’s married.” Baekhyun laughs and he takes one big gulp of his drink. “Like he’s someone’s husband now, can you believe that?”

Chanyeol snorts and shakes his head. It still feels surreal that Jongdae is now a married man, starting his own family, what’s even more surreal is that he got to marry the girl he stalked from a diner window. “I guess he and Chungha were always meant to be.”

“Pretty sure Junmyeon’s gonna get married soon too. Have you met his fiance? Bae Joohyun?”

“Oh yeah, he introduced me earlier.” Chanyeol was a bit awestruck when he first saw Joohyun in person, he knows Junmyeon’s engaged to a really pretty girl but she looked like a porcelain doll in real life. And in that brief conversation, she mentioned how she would love to get married in a similar resort some time next year. “Everyone’s getting married. Next thing you know you’ll be doing the best man’s speech at Sehun’s wedding.”

“Nah, Jongin’s gonna be his best man if he ever gets married.” Baekhyun laughs. “And don’t talk about Sehun getting married, he’s like twelve.”

Chanyeol snorts in response. Baekhyun loves to baby Sehun quite a lot, it must be hard to picture the bratty kid he used to tutor getting married and being an adult. “You’re right, it’s hard to imagine Sehun getting married.”

“Have you ever thought about marriage?” Baekhyun suddenly asks him and Chanyeol tenses a little.

He clears his throat. “Yeah from time to time.” He used to think about it quite a lot, because he’s a nerd who used to be so head over heels for his boyfriend that he couldn’t wait to marry him and Chanyeol would appreciate it if his brain could stop going down this hole right about now.

“Describe it to me, the wedding.” Baekhyun says, looking at him.

Chanyeol looks away for a moment and closes his eyes. It’s been a while since he’d pictured a wedding. “Definitely a shorter guest list than this wedding, and just a few close friends and family. A spring wedding would also be kinda nice.” He lists off and opens his eyes again, purposely forgetting to mention one important detail about the wedding he’d just pictured in his head.

He fails to mention that he sees Baekhyun there standing right in front of him with a smile so familiar that it melts Chanyeol’s heart.

Baekhyun doesn’t reply but then he suddenly stands up. “I hear the view outside is pretty great, you wanna take a walk?” 

Chanyeol’s a little surprised by the sudden request but walks with Baekhyun were always one of his favorite things in life. “Okay, sure.”

It was incredible outside, it feels good to be out of the big city for once to be surrounded by fresh air, and with the sound of the sea and faint celebration from inside the resort, it makes the perfect scenery.

And while Baekhyun is busy focusing on the beautiful sky that's right above them, Chanyeol isn't as interested in the sky. It’s incredibly cheesy for him and he almost wants to drown himself in the sea for thinking this, but there's just something about the sky that reminds him of Baekhyun. Every time he looks up, especially on brighter days, he's reminded of Baekhyun's smile. His smile when they'd just first met all those years ago.

He looks up at the sky a lot every time they're apart, every time his heart longs for his best friend. But why would Chanyeol focus on the sky when Baekhyun's right here, next to him, looking just as if not more beautiful than the sky. At least, in his opinion.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Baekhyun suddenly chuckles and Chanyeol is absolutely mortified that he’s been caught staring. He flushes so hard that he can feel the heat creeping on his face, and maybe if he buries his fucking head in the sand like an ostrich, he can pretend that this never happened.

“Sorry.” He mumbles instead with his eyes closed, the flush on his cheeks gets deeper.

Baekhyun just laughs and nudges him playfully. “S’okay, I’m actually guilty of a few things too.”

Chanyeol looks up at Baekhyun, now slightly less mortified. He raises an eyebrow at him.

Baekhyun is still looking at the view around them, there weren't many people there, it's feels like it was their own private little paradise, he then nods and says, “I may or may not have stared at you since you walked in the lobby earlier--but you can’t blame me, you always looked too good with your hair styled like that.”

Huh. Baekhyun did always have this thing about his hair being styled up, but he didn’t know that it still affected him in _that_ way. “Thanks...I guess?"

“Yeah I mean, you look great. Tall, handsome and a stupidly charming smile, the bridesmaids were literally whispering and squealing when you walked by.” Baekhyun finally turns to him, cheeks slightly red. “How could you not notice?”

Probably because he’s too busy ogling Baekhyun the entire night, it’s hard for Chanyeol to notice things when Baekhyun is around, it’s always been like that for as long as he could remember. So he shrugs instead, “I guess I am pretty hot, aren’t I?” He teases.

It earns him a hard shove from Baekhyun that topples him slightly, and they continue to stand there in comfortable silence.

“Can I ask you a question?” Baekhyun suddenly says as the sky turns a little bit darker.

Chanyeol turns to him, tilting his head a bit. “What is it?”

“I don’t know if this is just all in my head but--I really need to ask." Baekhyhun bites his lip, suddenly looking like he’s nervous. “I think..If I close my eyes and lean in, you won’t pull away.” He says slowly and Chanyeol’s heart is beating ten times faster than it was a minute ago, but he can’t take his eyes off of Baekhyun. “Am I right?”

Chanyeol feels his eyes widen but he quickly tries to get a hold of himself. “Close your eyes and find out then.” He rasps out, and he knows this is just as hard for Baekhyun as it is for him. They’re both taking such a huge leap without knowing how they’ll land once they jump. But if it’s for Baekhyun, Chanyeol’s willing to jump as many times as he needs to.

Baekhyun closes his eyes and slowly leans in, Chanyeol stands still for a moment before he does the same, he slowly closes his eyes and then finally, he closes the distance between them.

And like Baekhyun said, Chanyeol doesn’t pull away, instead he pulls Baekhyun closer, grazing his chin with his hand just a little before he cups Baekhyun’s cheek to pull him closer and closer. There’s something inside of him, like a fire that’s been reignited and only then he realizes that it’s the feeling of hope. Not once did he think he’d be able to do this again, to be able to feel Baekhyun’s lips move and part against his own, or to be able to feel the brush of his tongue. It all feels so familiar yet it doesn't feel real to him, like he’s been warped five years into the past.

Chanyeol’s heart swells when he feels Baekhyun’s hand brushes the sides of his neck, and in return he sucks lightly on Baekhyun’s lower lip making him gasp a little at the feeling. He feels like he never wants to pull away, he doesn’t want to let go of Baekhyun, not when he’s finally back in Chanyeol’s arms, not when he’s been wanting this for so fucking long.

Luckily, he doesn’t need to pull away because Baekhyun apparently won’t let him. “Spend the night with me?” He whispers into Chanyeol’s ear.

Chanyeol nods and he feels like he might cry from the overwhelming feeling taking over his heart. He wants to cry because this is Baekhyun, he is climbing into bed with the same boy he’d known since they were kids, the same boy he’d loved for so long, the same boy who took so many of his firsts. And this, it strangely feels like the first time again for him;

Hesitant touches, and a tinge of shyness in every movement, and every kiss. The only difference is that they actually know what they’re doing now, and Chanyeol knows just where to kiss and where to touch to make Baekhyun squirm under him. It’s familiar, yet so surreal.

There’s a lot of things unresolved between them, and Chanyeol doesn’t know where they’ll go from here, but he doesn’t want to think about that now. Right now, he just wants to feel Baekhyun. He wants to pull him closer even though there’s nothing else separating them except for skin, but he wants to be closer, so that when he wakes up the next morning, Baekhyun will still be there.

And much to his delight, when he opens his eyes the next morning, Baekhyun is pretty much still there. The sun shines softly on Baekhyun’s milky skin, making him look impossibly beautiful--surreal almost. It’s a sight that Chanyeol never thought he’ll ever see again and he wants to _cry_.

“Seriously, just take a picture.” Baekhyun says voice heavy with sleep, clearly awake and has yet again caught Chanyeol creepily staring at him.

Chanyeol is slightly mortified but he smiles anyway, he still can't wrap his head around what happened. It doesn't feel real. So he lies there with a big dumb smile on his face while Baekhyun gets up to shower first. Chanyeol has half the thought to join him but he thinks he might pass out if he stands up to quickly. So he opts to lay there in bed, thinking about just how great last night was between him and Baekhyun. And that Baekhyun is still here with him the next morning, that it wasn't all a dream.

But then it dawns on him, what if this doesn’t mean the same to Baekhyun? What if this doesn't mean as much to him? But Baekhyun was the one who made his feelings known first this time. He was the one who leaned in first, and he’s still here the next morning, so that has to be a good sign. Still, this all feels too good to be true.

Chanyeol decides to think about all of this later, when he does eventually talk to Baekhyun and reaches for his phone. He sees a few missed calls from Jongdae so he calls back, while he waits for Baekhyun to get out of the shower.

“Glad to know you’re not dead.” Jongdae says as soon as he picks up.

“Hello to you too.”

“So where’d you go last night?” Jongin and the others looked for you.”

“Nowhere.” Again, it doesn’t feel like it’s real. He was with Baekhyun the entire night. Like how the fuck is that real? And technically he’s not lying to Jongdae, he didn’t really go anywhere--they’re still in the hotel.

“Oookay, are you by any chance with Baekhyun?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He tries to lie and he knows Jongdae suspects something. He may not know every detail about his and Baehyun's relationship but he knows Jongdae isn't that oblivious. And the shift in the tone of his voice right after proves it.

He hears Jongdae sigh, “Look I don’t know what you guys are doing but just--just don’t forget that Baek’s leaving for Germany soon.”

Wait, what?

“Germany?” Chanyeol frowns.

“Yeah, he’s going to Germany next week, remember?” Jongdae sounds confused.

Again, What?

“I--what are you talking about?”

“Oh god,"Jongdae pauses, and Chanyeol could hear the sadness in his voice. "he didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?” there's a pit forming in Chanyeol’s stomach, one big ugly void.

“A few months ago, he got a scholarship for a master’s degree in Germany, Chanyeol. He’s gonna live there for two years.” Jongdae says quietly as he realizes his slip up. “I thought he’d told you since you guys have been hanging together again.”

Baekhyun has not mentioned a word about Germany since the day Chanyeol arrived in Seoul almost a month ago. Not even once.

And just like that, the flames that were lit up last night, burnt out. Like it was put out with cold icy water and Chanyeol feels numb for the most part, except for that one big gaping hole in his heart.

The one hole that he’s tried to mend for so long is now wide open, and is fucking bleeding.

“Yeol, I’m sorry.” He hears Jongdae say.

“Yeah no, it’s okay. I gotta go.” He quickly hangs up and sits there in silence.

Okay, maybe they can still talk about this. Maybe Baekhyun genuinely forgot to tell him. But at this point, Chanyeol knows he's just bullshitting himself. There was no way Baekhyun would forget something so important, and something inside of him breaks. Was this what it felt like when he moved away to Busan? Was Baekhyun trying to pull the same trick on him?

He tries to keep his head cool he stands up, look for his shirt and paces around the room, but when Baekhyun does eventually get out of the shower, his heart breaks all over again. It feels like he'd been betrayed.

“You’re leaving for Germany?” Chanyeol asks, the hurt is so obvious in his voice.

Baekhyun’s eyes widen, “How did you--?” He sputters, caught completely off guard.

“You’re leaving.” Chanyeol says again, he can’t believe this is happening. How could he be so fucking stupid. Of course Baekhyun’s leaving, he sure as hell isn’t going to stay for Chanyeol, because frankly, he doesn’t matter enough. It’s naive of him to think that after so many years he’s still somehow a big part of Baekhyun’s world. And he knows that he’ll never be again. Besides, what was he expecting? That they’ll go back into a relationship? And sneak around behind their friends and families’ backs again?

Baekhyun broke up with him for a reason, and that reason still stands. They can’t have a future together, so why bother trying again? Their families will never approve, and Baekhyun sure as hell can’t abandon his only remaining family member for him. And while Chanyeol’s selfish enough to want that, he can’t. He knows he can’t, and he knows Baekhyun won’t do it, because he’s a good and selfless person like he’d always been.

“It's only for two years.” Baekhyun says quickly. Almost as if it would change things. While it's true that it's not forever, it still doesn't change the fact that Baekhyun willingly kept this a secret from him and was ready to toss him aside right after. "Yeol, let me explain--"

“So it's true. Congratulations." Chanyeol cuts him off, but they both know he isn’t the least bit happy about any of this. While he tries to accept the situation for what it is, he fucking can’t.

And maybe that’s all last night was to Baekhyun, a taste of something familiar before he eventually ventures out there into his new life, in a new city, a new continent that Chanyeol no longer has a place in. And it breaks his goddamn heart all over again. He feels like he wants to die.

"I guess I never really meant that much to you, huh?" Chanyeol spats. He feels so goddamn stupid, so used. He could already feel his temper rising at an alarming rate, he knows he's gonna explode. And what's worse he could feel every single ugly thing that he spent so long trying to forget. "It's always been so easy for you."

It was so easy for Baekhyhun to smile and laugh again, to fall for someone new, to move in with his girlfriend while Chanyeol spent months, _years_ , trying to repair what's left of his heart.

Every single painful thing he's felt, the scars of his break up, the first time he realizes that Baekhyun was no longer his, the fact that Baekhyun was so quick to move on. It's all coming back to him, and it hits him like a fucking wrecking ball. It hits him right in the heart, shattering it into pieces again. And again, and again.

"What are you saying? Chanyeol I didn’t know that this was gonna happen,” he gestures between himself and Chanyeol. “I didn’t know--I never could've known because you never told me you were moving back."

“Why should I believe you?” Chanyeol could feel his legs losing its strength, he doesn't think he can have this fight with Baekhyun. Not when he's already so hurt and broken inisde. So he sits down on the bed, burying his face in his hands. “You willingly kept this from me, is this payback for me leaving for Busan?” It comes out bitter, accusatory. And in some ways, he means it. But something in him still screams that he deserves this, that he deserves this for leaving Baekhyun without a word.

Baekhyun obviously caught the accusation, judging how his expression hardened. "I can't believe you'd think I would do that. Chanyeol, I never wanted to leave you, it was never me who left. I wasn't the one who kept you in the dark for months." He says, voice rising in frustration, his hands forming a fist on the towel he's holding.

"You wanna know why I did that? Because you kept flaunting your shiny new girlfriend in my face, you made me feel like I never meant anything to you!" Chanyeol spits, his voice comes out louder than he’d intended. “You knew I wasn't over us, and yet you expect me to just sit there and be polite when it wasn’t even a year into our break up?”

"I never wanted to hurt you and you know that!” Baekhyun shouts, voice just as loud as Chanyeol’s. ”But you left me and you kept me out of your life, you--you kept promising to make an effort to stay friends, but you never did.” He blinks away the tears forming in his eyes out of frustration.

Maybe Chanyeol does know that Baekhyun never wanted to hurt him. But he did. He was selfish enough to expect Chanyeol be the understanding one when _he_ was the one who made the decision to break up. In his eyes, Baekhyun was the one who had it easier. And he doesn't know what came over him, but he couldn't take it anymore. He just couldn't handle it.

“And I’m sure you were _devastated_ when I left, moving in with your girlfriend and all that, must have been heartbreaking.” Chanyeol knows he’s being bitter and unfair, and that he’s bringing up things that shouldn’t even matter just to hurt Baekhyun, but he’s too angry, too overwhelmed to think clearly. All he knows now is that he doesn’t want to be the only one hurting, it’s not fair.

He knows for a fact that Baekhyun did suffer when he left.

Baekhyun's eyes widen, both in surprise and hurt. Almost like he couldn't believe what was coming out of Chanyeol's mouth, "You wouldn't even look at me. I tried to fight for us but you never did, you kept running away from me."

"Because looking at you fucking hurts! Have you ever thought of that?! I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t bear to look at you move on and leave me behind so quickly.” Chanyeol almost screams. He really has lost all control now. “Even now, standing here, looking at you...it hurts. I was devastated, Baekhyun. I felt like I couldn't live without you. What else could I have done?"

He never understood how Baekhyun could put up such a strong front when Chanyeol feels like he's punched in the stomach every time he looks at Baekhyun. Everytime he thinks about it, he always comes back to that one ugly conclusion in his head; Baekhyun never loved him as much as he did.

"I was devastated too. I didn't want to us to end up this way."

It shouldn’t be this hard. Loving someone shouldn’t hurt this much. 

Maybe they’re just not meant to be.

It hits Chanyeol like icy cold water, it's a thought that he never wants to entertain. But sometimes, he wonders if life for the both of them would've been easer if--

"I just wish--” He starts, “I just sometimes wish you and I never happened." He says quietly and the silence that follows is deafening. 

He doesn’t look at Baekhyun for a while but when he does, there are tears on his face and his eyes are still, it’s still staring straight into him. And at that moment, he immediately regrets what he’d said. Maybe in the moment, he meant it. That he wishes that they never had to hurt like this, that maybe if never happened, they would have been better, happier. But the thing is, he's never supposed to say those words outloud.

But it’s too late.

He's said those words to Baekhyun. Right to his goddamn face.

“Well, if that’s how you feel--” He wipes his eyes with his sleeve, "Then I guess this is goodbye."

==

He thinks about Baekhyun from time to time, but mostly on his birthday. It’s been a few months since Jongdae’s wedding and Chanyeol still feels like shit every single day. He knew that everything was too good to be true, there was no way the universe would let him and Baekhyun be together, he learns. It was naive of him to still think that they somehow had a shot.

Guilt and regret. That pretty much sums up his entire life right now. He wished he could’ve taken back what he’d said that day. As angry as he was, as upset and heartbroken, he should’ve never wished that they never happened, it was probably the biggest mistake of his life. He should’ve controlled his emotions better, but he didn’t. He blurted out what he’d felt in the moment, his anger, his devastation and now Baekhyun’s gone.

He’s left for Germany without a goodbye, and in a way, Chanyeol feels like he deserves this. Baekhyun was right, he was after all, the one who left first. He’s also the one who pushed Baekhyun away, kept him at a distance that turned them into strangers. And now all he needs to do is just to live with the consequences of his actions.

And he celebrates his birthday, alone in his apartment with a bottle of scotch and a half lit cigarette in between his fingers. He’s startled by the sudden ring of the doorbell because he’d said specifically to his friends that he doesn’t want to celebrate this year.

“Happy birthday.” Kyungsoo, Sehun, Jongdae and Jongin say in unison, once Chanyeol opens his door. They’re not screaming in excitement or anything, but they try their best to smile while they hold out the small cake.

Chanyeol sighs and gives them a small smile in return, shifting to the side to let them in his apartment. It doesn’t exactly surprise him that his friends came anyway, and some parts of him are glad that they’re here, that despite everything, they still care so much about him.

“We know you said you didn’t want to celebrate but we just didn’t want you to be alone.” Jongin says with a sheepish smile.

“It’s okay, I know you guys mean well.” Chanyeol says. 

After they butchered his cake, yet again, they decided to have a little super smash bros tournament to take Chanyeol’s mind off things. It didn’t end too well, considering how competitive Chanyeol can be; it ended with a lot of swearing in Chanyeol and Sehun’s part but it’s all in good spirit, kinda.

Kyungsoo and Jongin eventually grew tired of the game and just opted to watch, Jongin specifically _loves_ to rile Chanyeol up by hurling insults at him and how terrible his skills are when it comes to smash bros, but can they really blame him when the switch controllers are so fucking tiny, he can’t for the life of him press the buttons that he’s aiming for without pressing all four at the same time with his gigantic thumb.

So yeah, thanks to his friends, Chanyeol’s birthday doesn’t feel as depressing as it did four hours ago. That is of course, until dinner time comes around and he’s yet again reminded why he’s been nothing but broody for the past few months.

“Hyung, look at this” Jongin says, shifting away from his jajjangmyeon towards Kyungsoo to show him his phone, “it’s a photo of Baekhyun hyung with a puppy--” Jongin gets cut off when Kyungsoo nudges him quite violently with his elbow.

Jongin winces and looks surprised for a few seconds before realizing his slip up. “Oh shit sorry, I forgot--”

“Oh relax,” Chanyeol rolls his eyes, “It’s been months. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me.” He understands why his friends are so cautious around him when it comes to Baekhyun, it’s no longer a big secret that they’re in a fight. They made it pretty obvious when Chanyeol didn’t show up to Baekhyun’s farewell party _and_ to the airport when all of his friends sent him off. He’s lucky that none of them are nosy about the whole thing and respects his and Baekhyun’s privacy.

But they don’t need to act like the whole thing never happened, it was Chanyeol’s mistake and it is a problem that he created, so he doesn’t expect his friends to go out of their way to make him feel like he did nothing wrong. Heck, he didn’t even expect for them to still look at him the same way if they did somehow know what he had done and said to Baekhyun.

“It’s just--we don’t know where you guys stand…” Sehun mumbles.

“Nowhere.” Chanyeol exhales. “We stopped talking when he left for Germany.”

“Look hyung, we know it’s none of our business but...were you two ever--I mean something must have gone down?” Jongin says. It’s the first time he’s directly confronted Chanyeol about this, and he has no intention of keeping all of this a secret anymore. Plus he’s always known that he’ll have to come clean eventually, so might as well do it now.

“I was in love with him and it blew up in my face.” He admits.

“That explains some things...” Sehun nods in understanding.

Chanyeol looks at Sehun and then Jongin and then back at Sehun again, “You guys don’t look too surprised.” He points out, noticing that their expressions didn’t change much, he at least expected a gasp but there was nothing, just both of them nodding in understanding.

“I mean, we suspected? I guess.” Jongin argues. “I think all of us always had a hunch, but we didn’t think it was our place to pressure you into telling us?”

“I did ask Baekhyun hyung once if you and him were, you know, romantic and shit,” Sehun admits. “but he denied it and I just dropped the whole thing when he obviously looked uncomfortable.”

“And you were kinda obvious,” Jongin chuckles a bit, “Always looking at him when laughing, running to him whenever you get excited.”

Chanyeol groans, leaning back into his sofa, both hands covering his face in shame.

“For what it’s worth, I always thought that he liked you too,” Sehun says casually, “I thought it was weird that Baekhyun hyung was always so touchy with all of us except for you. Like he’s suddenly shy with you for some reason even though you guys are obviously really close.”

He finds it endearing that Baekhyun always shies away from him when they’re around other people--the way Baekhyun tries to stand with a hilariously awkward gap between them or how he just clings to the next tallest person in the room (usually Sehun, which is probably how he noticed). None of it has ever bothered Chanyeol, because whenever he feels like he needs Baekhyun, and he reaches out for him, Baekhyun is always there, walking towards him first and taking his hand when he needs it the most.

Sehun’s hunch was absolutely spot on.

And he’s glad that both Jongin and Sehun didn’t seem to make a big deal out of him coming out about liking guys despite already having prior suspicions. He couldn’t help but be a little emotional and touched by how delicately they handled the entire situation, it just still surprises him sometimes how much his friends care for him and how much they treat him like family.

His friends decide to call it around ten later that night, and Chanyeol finds himself being restless. He’s tried to go to sleep, because he’d figured going to bed early would be the best thing to do right now before he actually goes out and does something stupid.

But after roughly fifteen minutes of tossing and turning, Chanyeol says fuck it and he goes for a drive. Going for a drive has always calmed him down, it gives him something to focus on, and clears his mind a bit. The best drives are the ones where he doesn’t know where he’s going to end up.

This time especially, he doesn’t know how he ends up at the airport. Or maybe he does, maybe somewhere deep within his subconscious, he half expects to see Baekhyun, suddenly back in Korea, or maybe, just maybe, deep inside he wants to fly halfway across the world, to Baekhyun, beg for forgiveness and try to make it work.

Buying a ticket to Germany doesn’t seem like too crazy of an idea, it could be like one of those scenes in a movie, where he’ll make the grand gesture and finally be together with the love of his life.

The love of his life. Huh, Chanyeol always knew Baekhyun meant the world to him, but this is the first time he’s ever thought of him as _the one_. The great love of his life. Can he really say that though? Considering they’ve only been together for a few short years. 

But then again, even after everything, after not speaking for almost half a year, Chanyeol still finds himself in an airport, wishing for things to be different, still toying with the idea that things might still be different, still unable to let go.

He leans back in his seat, and chuckles to himself. How pathetic. Baekhyun’s out there, probably living his life, playing with puppies, meeting new people, _moving on_ , yet he’s here. Still longing and pining for something--someone he knows he can never have. It’s hard trying to live life without someone who you know you can’t live without, it’s hard to feel alive without Baekhyun in his life.

But then, a few moments before midnight, he receives a text. Chanyeol nearly has a heart attack when he sees Baekhyun’s name pop up as a notification on his phone.

_[11.54pm] happy birthday. i’m sorry._

Chanyeol doesn't know why Baekhyun’s the one apologizing, when he’d been the one who ended things between them for good. He was the one who ran away. And he was the one who wished that they never happened.

The message leaves a bitter taste in Chanyeol’s mouth, because Baekhyun shouldn’t be the one who’s sorry. He was the one who’d always hated the fact that he and Baekhyun were never given a choice. They weren’t given a choice but to hide their relationship for most of its course, they certainly weren’t given a choice when Baekbeom died. And even if it doesn’t make it hurt any less, Chanyeol knows that Baekhyun hadn’t been given a choice when he chose to end their relationship. Baekhyun was merely the braver one between them to actually admit it.

Chanyeol however was given the choice to fix things with Baekhyun--to try again, but like the moron that he is, he set that one up into flames, along whatever he had left with Baekhyun. He _chose_ to hurt Baekhyun with what he said, and now this time, Baekhyun is gone for good, he’s out of Chanyeol’s life for good. It’ll be like they never met, like they never loved each other in the first place, like they never happened.

And Chanyeol’s never regretted anything more in his life.

If he could turn back time, he would. But he can’t, he’d already hurt Baekhyun with what he said, and as much as he wants to punch himself for being so blinded by rage and hurt, he can’t change what he’d done. And just like everyone else, Chanyeol’s just gonna have to live with it.

[11.59pm] i’m sorry too. for everything.

He’s gonna have to learn to live without Baekhyun.

==

At first he thought that it was going to be hell, like his first goodbye with Baekhyun was. And while he feels like he never got back on his feet, he does, slowly, move forward. It almost feels like he’s slowly crawling into a life that no longer has Baekhyun in it.

And before he knew it, a year had already passed since that night at the airport, since the last time he’d spoken to Baekhyun. There’s been nothing but silence between them, even on both of their birthdays there’s no calls, no texts, just silence.

He thinks it’s for the best, there’s absolutely no way he could’ve moved on if they’d been in contact. He’s sad about it, wrote about it in his journal like the nerd that he is, and he’s definitely cried about it to the point that he thinks his tear ducts must’ve dried out.

But he learns to live with it. He’s made new friends, and kept his old ones too. It’s just that he hasn’t had any real relationships ever since Baekhyun, and it doesn’t bother him too much, maybe it’s because he thinks he’s not ready, or maybe he is ready and just hasn’t met the right person yet, and he really doesn’t want to think about it too much. So instead he focuses on his career, earning him enough money to move to a bigger apartment, he now lives in a two bedroom apartment--he used to live with Seunghwan as a roommate, but she’s recently moved on as she got engaged.

There isn’t much difference when it comes to his family, he still talks to his mom, but he still hasn’t heard anything from his dad and sister, until one particular night when someone suddenly knocks on his door, and he’s greeted by a face that he hasn’t seen in years.

“Noona?” Chanyeol can feel his already large eyes bulging in its sockets.

“Hi Chanyeol.” Yoora greets him, obviously nervous judging on how her hand is fiddling with the strap of her purse. “Long time no see.”

It’s been a long time indeed, too long, maybe five or six years? Chanyeol’s lost count. They haven’t even spoken since that awful phone call when Chanyeol first settled in Busan. So it’s very hard for his head to wrap around the fact that she’s here, in his apartment, at one in the morning.

“Can I come in?” Yoora breaks the silence.

Chanyeol snaps out of his trance. “Yeah, of course.” He says, stepping out of the way. “What are you doing here?” Chanyeol closes the door behind him and Yoora turns to him.

“I know I haven’t been the best sister, or the best person these past few years--” She starts, voice wobbly “but I don’t know where else to go.”

“Noona you’re scaring me.” Chanyeol frowns, because Yoora must be truly desperate for her to come looking for her disgusting little brother. “What happened? Are you in trouble?”

“I can’t go back there Chanyeol. I can’t go back to him.”

“To who? Your husband?” Chanyeol asks.

His sister nods, and lowers her head, almost like she’s ashamed of what she’s saying.

“Noona did something happen? Did he...hit you?” 

“No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just...the things he said. I can’t live there anymore, I don’t even want to look at his face.” His sister tries to explain, gaze still glued to her feet. “Please? I know you probably hate me but please don’t kick me out.”

Does he hate her? Sure Yoora isn’t his favorite person in the world, and she was always toxic and even horrible to him ever since he’d come out, but is he really going to turn away family when they’re in need? He doesn’t know, really. So he sighs, “Just tell me first, what happened to you?” He decides to say.

“I…” Yoora starts, “We just, we found out that I can’t...have kids.”

Oh, well that’s news. And Chanyeol’s heart cracks a bit at the news, because he’d known that Yoora always wanted kids, she loved kids. She even works as a kindergarten teacher last he heard, and her dream was always to be a mother. “I’m sorry.” He says. As cruel as she was to him, she doesn’t deserve this.

“We’ve been trying and trying for years,” She starts to tear up, “but we--we just found out it’s me. I’m the problem.”

Chanyeol frowns at her words. “Don’t say that.” His sister shouldn’t think that she’s the problem, it’s not like she made the choice.

“But it’s true.” Yoora laughs sadly. “He said he wouldn’t have married me if he knew I was useless as a woman.” She shrugs and she looks so tiny, and small with her shoulders deflated like this.

“That is the most misogynistic thing I’ve ever heard, ” Chanyeol tries to argue, but this is Yoora he’s talking to, and he should understand that they both have very different values and outlooks on life. “Noona you know your worth isn’t based on something like that right?”

“Even my own husband doesn’t want me Chanyeol.” She says, blinking away her tears.

“Then you’ll find someone else, noona it’s going to be alright. I promise.” Chanyeol feels like he should hug her, but at the same time, he can’t really bring himself to, so he just stands there, a bit awkwardly, trying to console his sister from a distance.

“I can’t go home. I can’t face mom and dad.” She quickly says.

“Why not?” Chanyeol frowns.

“Because I want a divorce.”

“And that’s bad because...?”

“Chanyeol, think of what the people at our church will say? A daughter that’s divorced and a son that’s--” Yoora cuts herself off, and bites her lower lip.

“Gay? You can say it you know.” Chanyeol sighs, but he’s not offended. Why should he be? It’s who he is, and he’s learned to accept himself over the years, and he can acknowledge that Yoora’s right, their family is going to be the next hot neighborhood gossip if anyone from their church ever finds out--not that Chanyeol cares, but his family does, and he can understand where they’re coming from. “Mom and dad will be fine. They were fine when I came out--I mean dad still doesn’t talk to me but mom always tries.”

He highly doubts his mom and dad will turn Yoora away, they’ll probably be unhappy with her choice, or worse, they’ll try to convince her to go back to her husband and “work it out.” But they won’t force her or kick her out.

Yoora stays quiet, and she wipes away her tears with her hands. “I’m sorry.” She finally says, “I’m sorry for how I acted towards you when you probably felt like you had no one to turn to, being rejected by your own family--it must’ve been hard…” Yoora starts crying again, harder this time. “I’m so sorry, Chanyeol I shouldn’t have--”

She stops talking when Chanyeol hugs her, he sighs because it was hard--no, it was hell for him. But he’s okay now, he’s at peace with who he is and he knows it takes a lot of pride for Yoora to apologize and he’s not made of stone. Chanyeol always loved his sister, despite her cruelty, he knew it wasn’t entirely her fault; it was how she was raised, she was just doing the things that she was told to do, and like most people who believed blindly, she probably thought she’s doing the right thing--doing it out of love, or to save her loved ones from sin.

Chanyeol understands because it’s what he’d been taught too, he grew up with the same values shoved down his throat, the only difference is, he and Yoora made different choices on what they chose to believe in and how they should live their lives. That’s why, no matter how hurt he was by his sister and how tormented he felt, he finds it in his heart to slowly forgive her. Not entirely, and surely not all at once, but slowly, Chanyeol thinks he and Yoora can go back to the way they used to be. “It’s okay, I mean it was hell, but I guess I can understand--so stop crying already, I forgive you.” He chuckles.

“You do?” She says, trying to restrain her sniffles and hiccups.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol smiles sheepishly, “and it must’ve taken you everything to leave your husband like that.” It must’ve been hard since he’d remember distinctly being told that divorce in the scripture is permitted because of a man’s sin, and that with god’s help any marriage can survive the worst sins, or something like that.

“I really am sorry Chanyeol.” Yoora says again.

“Alright, alright let’s order some chicken and put all of this behind us.” Chanyeol says.

It’s a good thing he has a spare room because it looks like Yoora’s going to stay with him for a while, or at least until she can rent an apartment on her own, and sort her stuff out. Because right now, she really came empty handed, not even a suitcase or luggage in hand, she must’ve felt so overwhelmed with the need to just _leave_ her marriage that she didn’t even pack anything and just left on a whim.

“How’d you know where I live?” Chanyeol says when he bites a piece of his chicken.

“I asked Baekhyun, I messaged him on instagram but he said he didn’t know where you lived now. Told me to ask Jongdae instead.” Yoora says, as she puts down her last piece of chicken on her plate.

“Oh. Cool.”

“I’m surprised you guys didn’t stay in touch.” Yoora frowns a little at the thought. “I always thought you guys were like permanently attached at the hip or something.”

“Yeah we kinda drifted apart.” Technically, they kinda did after the whole break up and stuff.

“You and Baekhyun? I find that really hard to believe.”

“It happens to the best of us, I guess.”

“You’ll find your way back.”

Chanyeol nearly chokes on his chicken. “What?”

“You guys always do. Remember that fight when you guys were in middle school? God I can’t even remember what you guys fought about. But I remember you being all grumpy and saying that you don’t wanna talk to Baekhyun again. That lasted for like a week.”

Oh that must’ve been the fight they had about wanting Yoora as their valentine and Chanyeol snorts as he recalls the ridiculous memory.

“This time it’s a bit different. I don’t think we’ll be going back anywhere anytime soon. I haven’t even spoken to him in over a year.”

He does eventually get around to telling Yoora about what really happened with Baekhyun, but it’s not until around three months later, just before Yoora moved out into her own apartment. He did it because Chanyeol really saw how hard she was trying to push past her conservative beliefs and accept him for who he is. She’s still a little werided out when she sees same sex couples on the street but it’s a _huge_ difference than what she used to be, and that’s enough for Chanyeol, she doesn’t have to start waving around rainbow flags for him to feel grateful and welcome her back into his life.

What surprises him though is how she didn’t look too surprised when he admitted he and Baekhyun dated, she said she had suspicions the first time she found out about Chanyeol’s sexuality from her parents, but she’d always thought Baekhyun was straight.

Not too long after Yoora moves out, Chanyeol does eventually go to New York like he’d always planned, but of course, he goes without Baekhyun. The city is beautiful and it’s like everything he’d expected, he toured around the city on his own, visited the places that he imagined he’d visit with Baekhyun alone. He sighs when he finally gets on top of the Empire State Building and how his breath is taken away by just how beautiful this city is.

There’s also the pizza, the pizza in New York is truly different, just like how he’d seen in those videos on youtube. He does get lost while trying to find this famous pizza place he’d looked up online and he might’ve gone around in circles for a while. But when he does eventually find the tiny joint and takes the first bite of his well deserved hawaiian pizza, the first thing he wants to do is share it with Baekhyun, because well, no one loved hawaiian pizza more than Baekhyun.

But his trip wasn’t all doom and gloom, he did bump into an old friend, or colleague he should say, from his time in Busan--Lee Jooheon, Chanyeol learned over coffee that he’d moved to New York around a year ago, and he ends up giving Chanyeol a tour of the city for the rest of his trip. Which Chanyeol greatly appreciates because he at least now has someone to take his pictures instead of placing his phones in weird places so that he can take decent photos that weren’t selfies. Jooheon laughed at him when he found out what Chanyeol had been doing to take his photos because there’s a very high chance of someone walking by just snatching his phone away.

And it was overall a great trip, a well-earned vacation that he rewarded himself with. Of course he got more out of it than he’d planned but hey, who doesn’t love surprises? That being said, he doesn’t expect to go on another vacation so soon, well, it’s not until Chanyeol receives a call from Jongdae.

Chanyeol receives an invitation from Jongdae to come traveling with him through Europe, something about how he wanted to make a new series for his channel and that he needed a bro with him this time instead of his wife. And he’d even try to convince Chanyeol that he’d pay for the whole thing, which Chanyeol rejects because while Jongdae makes the most money out of all of them thanks to those sweet, sweet ad revenue money, he should at least pay for his own expenses.

And after a whine from Jongdae, they finally agreed that Chanyeol will pay for his own expenses while they’re there, and Jongdae will pay for the flight and hotel and he was not taking no for an answer. Chanyeol just sighs and is grateful that he’s getting an almost free vacation roughly six months from now.

The best part of the whole arrangement was probably how Chanyeol didn’t need to do any planning for the trip, all of the visas, hotel bookings are all done by Jongdae. He’d said that he wanted to surprise Chanyeol with his travel booking skills, whatever that means. True to his word, Jongdae did end up surprising Chanyeol--Jongdae being Jongdae failed to mention one teeny tiny detail about their itinerary.

“So since we’ll reach Berlin tomorrow, I might as well tell you now.” Jongdae says and Chanyeol already knows this won’t end well. “I’m gonna be going to Baekhyun’s graduation--and before you scream at me, no you don’t have to come. I just thought you should know.”

Chanyeol groans. “Really? You couldn’t have told me this around six months ago? Before I agreed and went to another continent with you?” So that’s probably the reason why Jongdae purposely kept his face out of every social media update and told him that this entire thing was a confidential youtube red project or something, when in truth, he probably kept it a secret so he could surprise Baekhyun.

He couldn’t have at least said _hey when we’re in Europe I might be making a quick stop at Baekhyun’s graduation, I know you were like in love with him or something but hope that’s alright with you_ but instead Jongdae drops the bomb on him literally a night before they reach Germany. And in truth, Chanyeol has been dreading Germany their entire trip, because he knows the topic of Baekhyun will eventually come up.

And who is he kidding? There’s no way Jongdae is not meeting up with Baekhyun while being in the same city. 

“Hey you had fun on your almost free vacation didn’t you? And like I said, you don’t have to go.” Jongdae lies back on his bed.

“How is he?” Chanyeol can’t help but ask.

“He’s great. Valedictorian from what he told me.”

“Awesome. Good for him.” Chanyeol _really_ is happy this time, he always believed that Baekhyun is going to achieve great things in life. He just wished he’d reacted better when he’d found out about his scholarship because that in itself is an achievement, but instead Chanyeol breaks his fucking heart and doesn’t even say goodbye.

“I’m just saying, seeing you will make him happy. Especially when his own mom isn’t going to be at his graduation.” Jongdae says.

“What why?” Chanyeol turns to look at Jongdae.

“Fear of flights. After what happened to Baekbeom.” Jongdae says, his mouth turning into a thin line. "You don't have to be at the graduation, but you can just I dunno see hi to him for a couple of minutes? Despite everything you know that he cherishes you."

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to say to that, because he knows how shitty it feels to not have a parent at his graduation. Sure, the circumstances are completely different, and Baekhyun’s mom doesn’t have much of a choice regarding her mental health, but Chanyeol can already feel his heart crack at the thought of Baekhyun, standing there and being alone without his family. At least when it happened to Chanyeol, his mom and all of his friends were there to congratulate him, he had Baekhyun to smile proudly at him.

“I’ll think about it.” Chanyeol says, but he’s made up his mind. It’s about time he apologizes to Baekhyun in person anyway, and he has a lot of things he needs to say to Baekhyun too.

==

Baekhyun wasn’t exactly surprised when his mother had called to apologize and broke the news to him that she won’t be flying for his graduation, and he understood. He doesn’t want to admit that he felt disappointed when he received the call, but it didn’t last very long because then Jongdae insisted that he’s going to attend and that he needed to go to Europe anyway.

He didn’t like the idea at first, worried about Jongdae’s wife being left alone for weeks but then she sent what was probably the sweetest message to Baekhyun saying that she’ll lend him Jongdae for two weeks max. Baekhyun snorted when he first read it and finally agreed.

Jongdae being there really makes all the difference, he was carrying a big boquet for Baekhyun and is loud as fuck when he accepts his degree, he really couldn’t be more grateful. And when the ceremony comes to a close, he can finally launch himself to Jongdae to give him the biggest tightest hug and his friend greets him with a big grin on his face.

What he doesn’t expect though, is when Jongdae insist that they go to the nearest bakery for some celebratory cakes _immediately_ , he spots a very familiar figure standing sitting at the corner table. He blinks a few times, because this can’t be real, Baekhyun’s brain is probably playing tricks on him after two years of nonstop studying. He blinks again, and he’s still there, Chanyeol is still there, in a nice turtleneck and a long coat, his hair styled up and he's still as handsome as Baekhyun remembers him, if not more.

“Hi.” Chanyeol says, standing up as soon as he spots Baekhyun.

“Hi.” Baekhyun says, a little breathless. Even after all these years, the sight of Chanyeol never fails to take his breath away. “What are you doing here?”

“Jongdae dragged me across the world.” Chanyeol smiles sheepishly and tilts his head towards Jongdae who somehow has quietly excused himself and is now standing at least four tables away from them, enjoying his cheese cake with the most smug grin Baekhyun's ever seen. “Congratulations.”

“I can't believe it's really you." It almost feels like a dream to him.

“It’s nothing really.” Chanyeol smiles but then he frowns a little, lips downturned. “I’m sorry your mom can’t make it.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Baekhyun reassures him with a smile. He’s made peace with it, and it’s not like he can just force his mother into a plane.

“So how do you like it here?” Chanyeol asks, eyes scanning his surroundings.

“It’s great.” His time in Germany was great, he’d learned a lot, made a couple of friends, but not too many, Baekhyun just spends most of his days in his room, either studying or playing games. So not much socializing on his part.

“Everything you ever hoped for?”

“No. Not exactly.” He admits, and Chanyeol seems to catch what he really meant by that from the way his expression changes.

“It’s crazy seeing you here.” Baekhyun starts again, when Chanyeol doesn’t reply. He truly regrets leaving the way he did, but after he arrived in Germany, he thought he finally understood why Chanyeol left for Busan the way he did. He understood why heartbreak can make someone run so far away, never wanting to look back.

That is until of course, he realizes that with him being gone, he’s left Chanyeol with no choice but to let him go. Because he knows that Chanyeol never forced himself into Baekhyun’s life, he’d always been patient, he always gave Baekhyun space whenever he needed it.

“Yeah I know,” Chanyeol says, “What do you say we catch up a little over breakfast or lunch? I’m still in Berlin for two more days.”

Baekhyun’s heart jumps at the invitation, a chance to talk with Chanyeol is more than he could ever hope for. “Definitely, would lunch tomorrow work for you?”

When Chanyeol nods, Baekhyun silently pinches himself because he can’t believe this is all happening. He’d never thought he would get the chance to talk to Chanyeol like this, he’d never thought he would ever see Chanyeol in Germany, willingly attending his graduation. He’d never thought he'd have Chanyeol back in his life.

He feels a little silly the next day when he takes an extra thirty minutes to get ready for a quick lunch with his ex, but this is Chanyeol, Park Chanyeol. He’s always been special and while Baekhyun doesn’t exactly expect anything, Chanyeol being here has to mean something, right?

But maybe he’s expecting too much, he admits that he’s missed Chanyeol a lot over the years and while he’s learned to accept life without Chanyeol, seeing him in person changes things for him. Maybe this is the moment he’s been waiting for, they’ll have a whole lot of stuff they need to sort out but maybe, this time, it’ll work out.

After all, it’s been two years, a lot of things can change in two years. Baekhyun’s certainly changed, he’s had a lot of time to think, he knows better now than to rush and throw himself at Chanyeol like he did during Jongdae’s wedding, they need to talk things out before doing anything that’ll hurt both of them again.

He arrives a little early to their lunch and he’s surprised that he’s not profusely sweating considering how nervous he is. And he tries to calm himself down by reminding his brain that he shouldn’t expect a lot of things from this, this is only a friendly lunch date between two friendly exes.

Baekhyun’s heart jumps a little when he sees Chanyeol enter the restaurant, and his heart melts when he greets Baekhyun with a big smile. It’s so nice to see Chanyeol’s smile in person again after years of only looking at them through pictures.

After they order their food, it doesn’t get as awkward as Baekhyun thought it would be. Almost immediately, Chanyeol starts a conversation between them. “So tell me, how are things in Germany?”

“It’s okay,” Baekhyun shrugs, “Besides studying I didn’t really do much.”

“Really? Baek, I can’t believe you deprived yourself of the whole foreign exchange student experience!”

Baekhyun laughs and his heart tugs at the familiar nickname, “Enough about me, how are things back home?”

“They’re great!” Chanyeol says excitedly. “I mean, I think I have what most people call a stable job now, and things with my family are better.”

Baekhyun blinks a few times, he didn’t think Chanyeol would go into talking about his family so quickly, but small talk is something that he and Chanyeol could never do with each other, “That’s really good, Yeol. I’m so glad.”

“Yeah, my sister and I are on great terms now. I mean she’s still weirded out sometimes but she’s trying--” Chanyeol stops talking when the waiter arrives with their food. “She even lived with me for a while, after her divorce.”

“She got a divorce?” Baekhyun’s eyes bulge.

“Yeah, her husband was a complete asshole. And I think she’s happier now.” Chanyeol says, grabbing a knife and fork, then starts cutting his steak.

“I still can’t believe you’re in Germany.” Baekhyun says, “You have to tell me about how Jongdae managed to convince you to fly all the way here.”

“He didn’t have to try that hard, really. I mean he paid for the flight and hotel but didn’t tell me what we were actually doing for the most part, but I wanted to be at your graduation.” Chanyeol says and then the look in his eyes changes, “I wanted to be there because I want to apologize to you.”

Baekhyun stops his chewing because he didn’t expect an apology. To him, they both hurt each other, so Chanyeol shouldn’t be the only one apologizing. “I--it’s okay, I’m sorry too.” He says awkwardly as he swallows his food.

“I shouldn’t have said all of those horrible things to you.” Chanyeol juts his lower lip out a little. And Baekhyun thinks he should’ve dealt with everything better, instead of expecting Chanyeol to understand every decision he’s made. He’s guilty too, and he wants nothing more than to make up for it.

“Listen Baek--”

“Yeol I--”

They both say at the same time and both of them laugh a little at the silliness of it all. But it ends up being Chanyeol who talks first, “I have something I wanna tell you, but I don’t know if I should, but I feel like I have to,” He rambles "And I feel like it's something that I should tell you in person."

Baekhyun chuckles a little, “Okay, tell me. I also have some things to say too.” He’s spent the past hour and a half convincing his dumb brain to not expect anything, but when in reality, he should’ve convinced his heart instead. Because his heart is telling him that this is it, there’s no better time than now for them to try again, do it right this time.

“Oh?” Chanyeol raises an eyebrow.

“You go first.” Baekhyun says. He lets Chanyeol go first because if he’s going to do this, if he’s going to ask him to try again, he needs another second or two to take a deep breath.

“Okay,” Chanyeol looks legitimately nervous and scared now, he places his knife and fork on his plate and brings his hand under the table, “I'm,” He says, “I’m getting married.”

For a moment, Baekhyun's world stops.

He feels it stop dead in its tracks before it collapses.

“Wow.” He finds himself saying, almost like his mouth moved on its own. “You are?”

Chanyeol nods with a smile.

Baekhyun feels the crack in his heart deepen when he sees the genuinely happy smile on Chanyeol’s face.

“That’s great!” He says but his voice comes out at a higher pitch than intended. Although you can’t really blame him when he’s just trying to not sound as hollow as he feels inside. “I’m happy for you.”

At least he feels like he should.

“Really? Chanyeol leans back into his chair, with one hand over his chest, just on top of his heart, just like everytime he tries to calm himself down after a surprise. He sighs in relief, “Man, I was really nervous to tell you. I mean, I just felt like I had to tell you, I couldn’t get married without telling my best friend, but I wanted to tell you in person so since I’m here--” Chanyeol rambles again. 

Baekhyun nods lifelessly to every word he says.

“I’m really glad I got that off my chest.” Chanyeol says, beaming at Baekhyun.

How fucking stupid can he be? It’s been two years, a lot has changed. It shouldn’t be a surprise to him that Chanyeol has moved on, and he’s the only one whose heart is stuck in the same place. “I’m glad you told me,” he says, “I’m, wow I didn’t even know you were seeing someone.”

“Oh right,” Chanyeol says taking out his phone and he shows Baekhyun a photo of Chanyeol and another guy in what seems to be the streets of New York, “This is Jooheon, we worked together when I was in Busan, and then we bumped into each other in New York and kinda hit it off from there, I guess.” He says shyly.

New York. 

Chanyeol is getting married to a person he reconnected with in New York. Out of all the places he could’ve fallen in love, he falls in love in New York.

“That’s fucking amazing, wow, New York?” Baekhyun says hoarsely, he’s surprised he can still speak. “Congratulations.”

Because everything fucking hurts.

But he forces out a smile anyway, because he knows Chanyeol is studying his face. Chanyeol’s not an idiot, he knows that this has to affect Baekhyun in some kind of way. If Chanyeol’s ready to move on, then Baekhyun has no right to hold him back.

“So, what were you gonna tell me?” Chanyeol puts away his phone.

That I wanted to try again with you. That maybe this time, we’ll have a shot at making it work. And that I still--

“Baek?”

“It’s uh, it’s nothing compared to your news.” Baekhyun says, still finding it hard to breathe.

“Oh come on, I still wanna know.”

“I,” he says, “I got a job offer here. And I think I’m gonna take it.” Baekhyun did receive an offer for a full time position here in Germany, but he’d been taking his sweet time on making the final decision, mostly because he misses home. He misses being in Korea, and when he saw his best friend showing up out of the blue, that somehow he’d flown across the world, and still attended Baekhyun’s graduation despite not speaking for two years, he’d thought that it’d been a sign.

“That’s amazing, Baek.” Chanyeol says. Baekhyun might’ve imagined it but for a second, he thinks he saw Chanyeol’s face fall at the news.

“Baek,” Chanyeol says, his expression a little more solemn, and Baekhyun panics that maybe Chanyeol’s caught on to him, that he knows Baekhyun hasn’t moved on from what they had, but then he says, “I know the past few years hasn’t been easy for us, and despite everything we went through, I still think of you as my best friend and I always will.”

“Me too.” Baekhyun says weakly. “I still haven’t found someone dorky enough to replace you.” He says with a laugh, ignoring the crushing feeling on his chest. It’s probably because he’s never really tried. He knew from the moment he broke up with Jieun that there was no replacing Chanyeol.

Later that night, Baekhyun sends an emergency text to Jongdae because he _needs_ someone to talk to. So he sends a quick _I need you now, here’s my address DONT TELL CHANYEOL_ to Jongdae and his friend shows up not more than one hour later.

“Baekhyun what happened? Are you okay?” Jongdae says as soon as Baekhyun opens the door.

“You never told me he was seeing someone.” Baekhyun says quietly as he closes the door behind him. He’s been holding back his tears the entire day and he’s trying to hold them as much as he can now, but just thinking about Chanyeol hurts.

It hurts so fucking bad that the tears starts to well up in his eyes the moment he opens his mouth.

“What?” Jongdae says, still catching his breath from all the running he probably just did.

“Did you know he was seeing someone?”

“No!” Jongdae says, “Baek what are you talking about? What do you mean he’s seeing someone? I’ve never even seen him on a date--”

“He’s engaged.” Baekhyun says and Jongdae’s mouth snaps shut.

“Believe me Baekhyun, none of us knew--he never told any of us.” Jongdae says, eyes still wide.

“He met someone, in New York.”

“New York? He was in New York like six months ago and you’re telling me he’s already engaged?”

“Must’ve fallen hard for him to get engaged that quickly.” Baekhyun chuckles to himself. “And I’m--" He really couldn’t hold it in anymore. Everything just comes pouring out, everything he’s been holding in for the entire day, the past _years_ come pouring out.

“Hey, it’s okay. C’mere.” Jongdae visibly starts to panic at the sight of Baekhyun crying, not surprising considering how Baekhyun rarely ever cries in front of anyone except maybe, well, Chanyeol.

“He’s the love of my life.” He rasps out as he cries into Jongdae’s shoulder. He doesn’t even care anymore that he’s outing himself, and it feels weird to admit this out loud, to someone else.

“I had no idea you felt that way, Baek.” Jongdae wraps his arm around him. “I never knew you loved Chanyeol.”

Of course Jongdae didn’t know, Baekhyun never told anyone. He’d kept everything to himself. To everyone else, _to Chanyeol_ it must’ve looked like he was the one who had it easier, because to everyone else, it was Chanyeol who was the one hung up on his feelings, and for a long time, he did want to believe that. But as time passes, it becomes clearer to him that he still longs for Chanyeol, every time they are apart, he keeps longing for the day they’ll meet again. For the day that they’ll finally be able to try again.

“I--I never--”

“You never stopped did you?” Jongdae says quietly. And Baekhyun shakes his head.

He never, not even for a second, stopped loving Chanyeol.

“I only have myself to blame. I ended it.” He says. Baekhyun was the one who broke up with Chanyeol, he’d been the one to insist that they ended things, and that there was no other way. And at the time, he truly believed that there was no other way, he felt like the odds were stacked against them, and he was just so tired of the lies. But now, oh how he wishes things were different. He wishes that he’d held on a little longer.

Jongdae looks at him, slightly surprised for a second, like the pieces of the puzzle in his head are finally falling into place, before his expression changes into something a little more sad.

“Don’t say that, I’m pretty sure you just ended it because you didn’t have a choice.” Jongdae reassures him. And while he’s right, there was no way in hell they could’ve worked after his brother’s death, but still, he feels like he should’ve tried harder. Chanyeol is the one person that he should’ve fought harder for.

“I really thought we were gonna be okay,” Baekhyun sits up once he calms down a bit. “That maybe someday we can have another shot. It’s stupid of me to think that things will still be the same after all these years.” Seasons change, and so do people’s hearts.

“Does he know...?” Jongdae asks.

“Doesn’t matter.” Baekhyun wipes away his tears. “I’m not letting him know while he’s about to get married, I can’t ruin his happiness. That’s the least I can do for him.”

“Baekhyun do you think he’ll ever be truly happy when you’re keeping this from him? Why don’t you at least tell him and let him make the decision on his own?”

“I can’t do it.” Baekhyun says. “I chased after him once, you know. I never told anyone but after I broke up with Jieun, the first thing I did was get on a train and look for him in Busan.”

Even Jongdae’s speechless at the revelation. He’s never told anyone about this, about how all he wanted to do was go back to Chanyeol, and to try again, right then and there. It was in November, and it was right on Chanyeol’s birthday so he thought, why the fuck not?

He’s made it all the way to Busan, and only then he realizes that he doesn’t exactly know where to find Chanyeol, he wonders around the city for a bit and goes into a Starbucks to buy some coffee, while still contemplating whether or not he should text Chanyeol, he suddenly spots a familiar looking figure. He couldn’t believe his luck, here he is, in a completely foreign city and he runs into Chanyeol in a random Starbucks.

He can see Chanyeol hunched over his table, judging by his outfit, he’d just gotten off work, and his heart jumps a bit when the barista calls for Chanyeol’s name. So it’s really him. Baekhyun’s about to make his way to the corner table when he realizes another guy is picking up the drinks under Chanyeol’s name. He bumps into the guy who looked at him strangely and he runs towards the door.

Once outside, he almost wants to slap himself for second guessing his decision, he’s here in Busan, and Chanyeol is literally right there, so why the fuck can’t he just pluck up the courage and talk to him, and tell him that he still loves him? He can’t. Because he’s now reminded that Chanyeol must’ve gone to Busan for a fresh start, he’s trying to move on, he has a whole life here, a job, friends and people that Baekhyun doesn’t know about, a life without Baekhyun in it. And as much as he wants to go in there and profess his love, he can’t be selfish. He has lost the right to ask for anything from Chanyeol the moment he ended their relationship. He can’t force himself back into Chanyeol’s life, and so he walks away.

So that’s why he can’t possibly just expect Chanyeol to break off his engagement now. He’s not going to do it. He can’t do it. If Chanyeol’s happy now then Baekhyun will just have to learn to live with it.

He had his chance, and he missed it.


	3. Chapter 3

_Take a deep breath, and tell them how this is, that this has to be, one of the happiest days of your life._

Baekhyun can only think of one silver lining from this whole mess, and that’s him reconnecting with Chanyeol. It had been stupid of him to think that things will always just fall into place.

Not now, but maybe someday.

He’d always felt like it was so easy with Chanyeol, they were so great together; they laughed at the same things, had the same values, both of them were brought up similarly, and the most important part, they were always there for each other. And he really did believe that maybe if the odds weren’t so stacked up against them, that if they were born in a different world, they were just _meant_ for each other.

When he first met Chanyeol, he instantly knew, _“Oh, this is it, this is the person I’ve been waiting for. Big ears, shy smile, and a heart of gold.”_

So it was only natural for Baekhyun to fall in love with him, because how can he _not_? Chanyeol, as ridiculous as he is with his obsession with strays and ferrets, has always been so understanding, always willing to listen. Despite being constantly made fun of for his looks and weight, Chanyeol was still so warm and kind that he’d willingly share the love and warmth he has in him with Baekhyun.

It first happened during that day when Chanyeol’s dad taught them how to drive. It had been confusing at first, how his heart just went faster and faster whenever Chanyeol’s around. He thought that maybe he was just so overwhelmed with affection and appreciation towards him, but then, that feeling just never went away. And he eventually came to terms with the fact that, maybe, he has fallen in love with his best friend without even realizing it.

His brother’s death crushed him and his mom, she couldn’t eat for days and she had gotten so skinny that Baekhyun’s heart broke at the sight of her. It’s not fair, a parent should never witness the death of their child. He always knew his mom was a strong woman, when their dad walked out with all of their money, she told him that it had been her lowest point that she was so close to ending it all, but she didn’t. She didn’t because she found faith, she’d found comfort in reading scripture and the small community of their church.

Her beliefs and faith were the two things that kept her going, and Baekhyun can understand why she keeps it so close to her heart. And while his beliefs turned out to be different, he wants to respect his mother’s choices too. It’s the least he can do, and if he can make her happy then he’ll make the sacrifices.

It took years before he realizes living your life to make someone else happy comes with a very heavy cost. At first he’d thought that it had been the right thing to end things with Chanyeol, that they were just fooling themselves with the idea of ever making things last, while in reality, they were always destined to split up sooner or later.

And Baekhyun couldn’t handle that. He couldn’t handle it because he was falling in love more and more with Chanyeol each day. He couldn’t do it, because if he doesn’t let go now, he doesn’t think he can ever let go.

He thought that all he needed to do to move on was to fall in love with a pretty girl, marry her, and make everyone around him happy. He thought that Jieun would be the girl to do just that, she was pretty, funny, intelligent, and his mother loved her, the problem is, he didn’t.

Baekhyun liked her a lot, but there was just always something in him that held him back. Something that made him want to book that train ticket and just live his life the way he wants to. But the realization just makes him feel all the more selfish.

It was his decision to end things so that he can make his mom happy, it was his decision to pursue and date Jieun, he’s finally living life the way he should. But it makes him feel so fucking empty on the inside.

It doesn’t take long before he breaks and Jieun realizes how he doesn’t really love her, that he _couldn’t_ love her. Everything he had tried to build up, this resolve to have a picture perfect life of having a good job, a pretty wife, and make his mother proud, it all came crumbling down when Jieun said to him that maybe, for once, it’s okay to be selfish, that maybe it’s okay to live life the way you want to, and he shouldn’t sacrifice his own happiness for someone else’s, especially not when it’s making him so obviously miserable. The right people will accept you and love you for who you are, or they’ll come around eventually. And if they don’t, then you can’t change that.

That maybe for once, Baekhyun shouldn’t try to live the life that his brother was supposed to have, but instead live his own. He isn’t selfish for wanting to live his own life.

Right after the break up, it took everything in him to just go to Chanyeol, to start over, to maybe actually try this time without hiding, and just slowly accept the fact that some people will love you unconditionally, while some won’t.

But it doesn’t quite hit him until he sees Chanyeol in Busan. He wants to do it right, but can he? Does Chanyeol even want to get back together after all of the shit they went through? After seeing Baekhyun date someone else so quickly? He doesn’t know, and will never know because he’s not brave enough to go back inside that Starbucks to ask. He doesn’t have it in him to insert himself back into Chanyeol’s life. Because while the idea sounded great while he was sitting in the train, vibrating with excitement at the idea of starting over, it becomes hard when Chanyeol’s in front of him and he’s reminded of how he had hurt him, and how hard Chanyeol tried to push him out of his life.

And as much as he wants to say things are different now, that his mother is better, it doesn’t change the fact that their families were still never going to accept them. And the thought of having Chanyeol ripped away from him the second time was the nail in the coffin. He can’t do it. Not until things were really different, and that maybe if he’ll just wait a little longer, things were gonna fall into place.

So he moves on with his life, he learns to live life without Chanyeol, just getting by at the thought that eventually, sooner or later, things will change for the better.

While waiting, Baekhyun wanted to be the best person that he could, so he poured all of his time and energy into his work and eventually decided to pursue a master’s degree program abroad. He’d been delighted when he was granted a scholarship because he worked so hard for it, but it doesn’t last very long because not more than a few months later, just a few weeks before he departs for Germany, he learns that Chanyeol is back in Seoul.

When he and Chanyeol reconnected, Baekhyun felt guilty that he hadn't mentioned Germany to Chanyeol. But he doesn’t know how to approach the subject, he wanted to tell him when he visited Chanyeol’s apartment, but he chickened out at the thought of Chanyeol rejecting him again even as friends, so he opted to tell him at the wedding, but ended up in bed with him instead.

Reconnecting that way with Chanyeol was the last thing he expected to happen, but it was also the best thing that happened to him. Chanyeol was always the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and that night, he’s more than willing to put off anything in his life for Chanyeol. He knows that if Chanyeol asks him to stay, then he will.

He comes out of the shower with a resolve to finally talk about Germany when suddenly it all took a turn for the worse. He didn’t know how things got so bad so quickly but he found himself too heartbroken, too overwhelmed with anger that he couldn’t even form the words, he couldn’t even explain to Chanyeol about how he was willing to let everything go for him.

Because Chanyeol had wished that they never happened.

To Baekhyun, Chanyeol was the best thing that ever happened to him. He was willing to throw away everything for a second chance, he was willing to do everything all over again. But he realizes that it must’ve been different for Chanyeol, Baekhyun had hurt him so bad that he wished him away. And in some ways, he understood, because to him all of this came down to his decision to leave Chanyeol so many years ago.

So now we’re here, two years later and Chanyeol is engaged. They reconnected and it does feel like they’re at least friends again, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. But he’s just gonna live with it.

He almost threw up when Chanyeol asked him to be the best man at his wedding. While he understands that it’s a friendly gesture from Chanyeol, the thought of having to stand there and make a speech about how amazing the newlywed couple is in front of people crushes something in his soul. But he couldn’t say no, not with the way Chanyeol tries to make Baekhyun feel like he was still a big part of his life.

So now Baekhyun is in a bar, alone, drinking his life away. He’s definitely more drunk than he should be, because his brain isn’t doing him any favors in thinking that, hey, maybe it’s not too late.

It's a dangerous thought, but Baekhyun reaches for his phone and dials Chanyeol's number. And he's heart races when Chanyeol picks up not more than three rings later, it looks like Chanyeol's busy though, like he's in a busy street, maybe in a market because Baekhyun could hear people yelling from the other end.

"Baek?! Hey what's up?!" Chanyeol yells, he sounds surprised yet delighted at the sudden phone call.

"Uh, nothing? Just wanted to talk." He tries to say but he ends up slurring through his words anyway.

"Where are you? Are you drunk?" Chanyeol asks, sounding amused. And it's easy to tell that Baekhyun is at a bar with the loud live band playing behind him. Maybe he should've picked a better spot before he decides to do this, but really, as far as he's concerned all of his brain cells are dead at this point. Except for that one stupid brain cell that still wants to hold on to Chanyeol.

Maybe it’s not too late. Maybe, just fucking maybe, Chanyeol will change his mind. Maybe if Baekhyun takes a leap, and says what he really feels--how he truly feels for Chanyeol, then maybe--

“Don’t get married.” He manages to say.

And a split second later, he realizes his mistake and is about to freak the fuck out but then he realizes that Chanyeol didn’t hear him because what he hears next is a loud "What?!" from Chanyeol.

Maybe, Baekhyun just needs to say it again. Louder this time.

Baekhyun straightens up, takes another shot,

and he takes a deep breath.

A deep fucking breath. He wants to do this. He’s not ready to let go of Chanyeol. _His_ Chanyeol.

But then, he hears Chanyeol laughing. A laugh that he's all too familiar with, Chanyeol's laugh that's so loud that he usually hits people around him when it happens. "Sorry, Baek I can't hear you. I'm with Jooheon at a market it's super loud!" Chanyeol says loudly.

He then realizes that Chanyeol’s genuinely happy with Jooheon. He sounds so fucking happy, the happiest he's ever been in a long time.

And he doesn’t want to be the one to take all that away.

“Are you happy?” He chokes out loudly. He just needs to hear it. He needs to hear it once before he lets go.

Chanyeol sounds surprised at the sudden question. “Yeah, of course I am!”

Baekhyun bites his tongue and smiles despite the gut wrenching feeling at the pit of his stomach. “Good. That’s good. It’s what you deserve.”

Baekhyun is selfish, but he’s not selfish enough to rip away Chanyeol’s happiness. Not when all he’s done is hurt Chanyeol over and over again. If he’s happy, even if it’s with someone else, then that’s all Baekhyun needs to slowly let him go.

He doesn’t want to, but he needs to.

Months after that call, Baekhyun ends up taking a leave for a whole two weeks from his job to fly home so that he can attend Chanyeol’s wedding. To be completely honest, Baekhyun didn’t know if he could handle any of those, but he’s here, and he wants to be here for Chanyeol because he’s still pathetically in love with him.

_Tell them how he was the person you’ve waited for your entire life._

The next time Baekhyun sees Chanyeol is on the day of the wedding, because let’s face it, as much as he wants to move on and let go, he took his sweet time to prepare himself for Chanyeol’s wedding. He also had to reassure Jongdae that he’d be able to do this. At least, he thinks he does.

The wedding is quite grand, there’s a lot of people invited, but not a lot of familiar faces. The only people Baekhyun can recognize are Chanyeol’s family and their friends. It just further confirms just how he has no right to force himself back into Chanyeol’s life, and honestly, he’s just glad he still has a place in it. It doesn’t take very long for Baekhyun to figure out that Chanyeol’s dad isn’t at the event and his heart breaks at the thought, but he doesn’t bring it up. If Chanyeol is bothered by the fact that his dad is absent, he doesn’t show it.

Baekhyun has also been introduced to Jooheon a while ago, via a video call with Chanyeol. And no, he doesn’t resent Jooheon for being the guy that Chanyeol decides to marry. He doesn’t hate the fact that Jooheon is the person that will always be there for Chanyeol through his ups and downs, the person that will hold his hand through thick and thin.

The person that Baekhyun wishes he could be, ever since he was sixteen, but never could become.

Despite smiling and laughing the entire day, he definitely had one moment or two where he just wants to bolt, run away, and maybe fake an illness so he doesn’t have to be here anymore. So that he doesn’t have to watch Chanyeol read his vows to someone else.

But he has to, because the one thing he can’t do is to leave his best friend. He’s broken Chanyeol’s heart enough times in this lifetime, the least he can do is suck everything up and smile.

So he does. He stands there with a smile on his face as Chanyeol says ‘ _I do_ ’ to someone else.

And the rest of the day passes like a blur. It’s hard to keep track of time when you’re busy trying to not to burst into tears at your best friend’s wedding day. Before he knows it, Jongdae nudges him in his seat.

It’s now time for his best man’s speech.

Baekhyun stands up.

_Take a deep fucking breath, and tell them that you’re ready to let him go._

“Hi, my name’s Baekhyun if you didn’t already know,” He starts, “And today, has to be one of the happiest days of my life.”

He can do this. He knows he can do this.

“I’ve known Chanyeol since I crashed into him at a park near our house. We were only nine then, I was walking backwards just in case anyone’s wondering, and Chanyeol wasn’t as tall as he is now, he was actually shorter than I was. I know it’s hard to believe.” He says, causing a few chuckles from the crowd.

“Now I’m sure a lot of you have heard stories of how Chanyeol’s the weird kid with big ears always walking around with his pet ferret and taking in strays every chance he gets.” He hears a few laughters and decides to glance at Chanyeol, who’s predictably, smiling fondly at him.

Deep breaths, Baekhyun.

“But you’d be surprised that Chanyeol was never the odd one out, because that was me. I was the weird kid who was different. But over the years, Chanyeol made sure that I never felt that way. He’d accepted me so easily into his life, and made me feel like I belonged.”

It was after all Chanyeol who accepted him for who he is, who never made fun of him for not having a dad, always putting up with Baekhyun’s shenanigans when they were growing up. It was Chanyeol who ran with him in the rain.

He finally looks at Chanyeol again, who to his surprise, didn’t have a smile on his face anymore. The look on his face is unreadable, like there’s something he wants to say, almost like he’s longing for something. “I’ve known Chanyeol all my life, and he’s offered me friendship that I’m a hundred percent sure I never really deserved. But he still gave it to me anyway.”

He continues looking at Chanyeol right in the eye, “When we met, I knew, I just knew that he’d been the friend that I’ve always wanted. The one person that I’ve been waiting for my whole life.”

If all those years ago someone had asked him what made him fall in love so helplessly in love with Chanyeol, Baekhyun would’ve stumbled over his words. Probably having a hard time listing down things and all of the little quirks about Chanyeol that he does love with all his heart. But the one thing that made him fall so hard, with no chance of ever getting back up is--

“Chanyeol is one of those people with a soft heart, he doesn’t look like it--with his height and muscles he’s gained over the years, but take it from me when I say Chanyeol treats everything, and I do mean everything, with love. He’ll accept you for who you are, he will go out of his way to show you that he cares, that despite your flaws you’re still a person, a person worthy of happiness. While I think it’s a good thing that he lives life with his heart on his sleeve, it worries me sometimes. Because what if he gives that soft heart of his to someone who’ll break it?”

_Like me._

Baekhyun can feel the tears welling up in his eyes and he quickly blinks them away, he needs to finish this damn speech.

“But now I can finally be at ease knowing he’s met the person that he can finally give his heart to, the person who I know will always protect Chanyeol’s big soft heart. Jooheon, my good man. We haven’t known each other for very long, but I can see that Chanyeol’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him. Pretty sure it’s all thanks to you. And it’s what you both deserve. Happiness. That’s all I wish for you. May the flames burn long--and sparks continue to fly.” Baekhyun finally tears his gaze away from Chanyeol.

“To the happy couple.” He raises his glass.

“That was some speech.” Jongdae says, patting his back as they both watch over the couple’s first dance as husbands. “You did great Baek, and you did the right thing.”

“Yeah I know.” He knows he did. Chanyeol finally getting the happy ending he always wanted is surely the right thing.

It really took everything in him not to cry while he delivered his speech. The fact that he’s still here standing on his two feet surprises him. And having Kyungsoo and Jongdae there does help a lot, at least he can turn to them to avoid small talk with other guests.

To his surprise, Chanyeol asks him to dance. And he almost declines, because he doesn’t think his heart can handle dancing with Chanyeol at a wedding. A wedding that isn’t theirs.

But he accepts anyway, because he might not get another chance to dance with Chanyeol, or to hold his hand. And maybe he needs this, because this might be his last chance to hold Chanyeol close to him.

One last time couldn’t hurt.

“I really liked your speech.” Chanyeol says with a small smile, holding Baekhyun’s hand in his.

“I’m glad.” Baekhyun forces back a smile. “I was scared I wouldn’t live up to your expectations.”

He was genuinely worried because he’d put off writing the speech for a long time. And when he does get around to writing it, he wants it to be sincere, so that Chanyeol knows that he’s happy as long as Chanyeol’s happy.

“Nah, I would’ve loved anything you wrote.”

“Great wedding by the way. Good choice with the food.” Baekhyun tries to change the topic, he doesn’t want to talk about his speech for too long, he doesn’t want to risk saying anything stupid now that Chanyeol’s _married_.

“Thanks,” Chanyeol looks a little confused but smiles anyway. “I hope you’re at least having a good time? I know you don’t really like weddings.”

“Well, it is _your_ wedding, so exceptions had to be made.” He says, and Chanyeol chuckles. “So is it like what you’d always imagined?” He blurts out and immediately regrets.

Chanyeol doesn’t respond, and Baekhyun swears he feels Chanyeol’s hold on his hand tighten a little bit. “No, not quite. It’s not how I imagined it to be.”

“No?” Baekhyun tilts his head.

“I always pictured a spring wedding.”

Baekhyun chuckles. Of course. “Summer isn’t so bad.”

“Yeah, but it’s not quite the same.”

The thing about letting go is that it’s never as hard as you’d imagined it to be. It’s still painful as fuck, but there’s this weird feeling of peace that comes with it. As if something’s been lifted off of Baekhyun’s shoulder.

After the wedding, Baekhyun flies back to Germany and lives his life as he should. Climbing up his career as fast as he could, making sure to never miss an opportunity and waste any moment. Jongdae thinks he’d become a workaholic but Baekhyun thinks it’s a coping mechanism.

But he’s definitely done living someone else’s life. If he’s going to move on for good, he’s going to make peace with everything that’s been chasing and holding him down for years, he needs to stop lying to himself and his mother. He needs to tell his mother that he can’t live the life that she’d pictured for him, that she won't see him marry a girl or have kids. So, one day he gives his mother a call.

His mother that he loves. Someone who single-handedly raised him, who made sure he’d live a better life than she did. He calls his mother only to break her heart.

She didn’t scream when he told her. Just silence until she eventually hangs up. Baekhyun locks his phone with a sigh. He wants to think that his mother would come around, if she truly loves him for who he is, then she’ll come around. If not, then, there’s not much that he can do, is there?

And sometimes in life, he just needs to accept things as they are.

This has been the first step he takes in moving on, in building a new life. And maybe somewhere along the way, he’ll end up at the place he’s supposed to be.

Three years passed and not much has changed in Baekhyun’s life, except for a couple of things; the first being his job, he’s now high up in that corporate ladder because frankly, he’d spent three years of his life dedicating himself to work, and nothing else. The second thing that’s changed is that he is about to become the godfather to Jongdae’s first born daughter.

Yes, that Kim Jongdae is having his first kid this year and he’s insisting Baekhyun to be there on the day of his daughter’s birth. And Baekhyun hasn’t been back home in three years too, so there was no way he could make an excuse to get himself out of this one. So he takes a two-week leave and goes back to Seoul for the first time in three years.

At first, it felt weird being back in Korea. Everything is so familiar to him yet so different, like the shops and restaurants he used to frequent with his friends are still there, but there’s just something that’s...missing. It doesn’t quite feel like home to him.

Baekhyun sits in a cab and tells the driver to take him directly to his hotel. Yes, a hotel because sadly, his mother still hasn’t spoken to him since the day he came out. The least he can do for her now is to just give her space. If or when she’s ready, he’ll happily talk things through with her.

He wonders if he’ll bump into Chanyeol soon. He’s kept in touch with Chanyeol over the years, just like he’d promised. He knows Chanyeol and his husband decided to live in Seoul instead of New York, or they take turns visiting the other or something, so there’s a ninety nine percent chance he’d eventually have to come face to face with the taller.

And somehow he feels nervous at the thought. But he supposes years of not seeing each other will do that to you. Or maybe it’s the fact that this is Chanyeol. The same Chanyeol that Baekhyun had already made peace with. The Chanyeol that’s finally happy.

Later that week, he does run into Chanyeol while he’s grabbing a quick breakfast at a Starbucks near the hospital, on the day of the birth of Jongdae’s kid. It’s almost ridiculous to him how they just keep bumping into each other, he thinks. Chanyeol looks almost the same, his hair is brown, only this time it’s a little longer, his bangs almost touching his eyes, and he’s wearing that godforsaken yellow hoodie that’s way too bright, but it somehow reminds him of Chanyeol when they were back in college all those years ago.

He greets Baekhyun with a bone crushing hug, a hug that Baekhyun happily reciprocates for once. “How are you, you big oaf?” He says.

“You’re back in Seoul! I can’t believe you actually flew in for this.”

“Are you kidding? Jongdae would’ve murdered me if I missed the birth of his first child. Being godfather and all.” Baekhyun laughs when Chanyeol finally lets go, and then he notices Chanyeol’s holding a big DSLR, “Why are you holding a camera?”

“Jongdae wanted content.” He chuckles.

“Oh my god I swear if he becomes a family vlog channel I will delete him from my life.”

It is however hard to delete Jongdae from his life when Baekhyun immediately grew attached to Jongdae’s daughter. He feels like he’s an uncle and all he wants to do is spoil the kid with all the best things in the world, as far as he’s concerned, Jongdae’s daughter is now also his little princess. And it turns out Jongdae didn’t plan on monetizing his kid’s birth, he just wanted live footage for memories’ sake.

When he’s about to head out to get coffee after cooing over Jongdae’s baby for the past three hours and catching up with his old friends, he’s surprised to find Chanyeol trailing behind him. “Wanna get dinner then coffee and, I don’t know, do some more catching up?” He offers.

Baekhyun hesitates at first, but he ends up saying yes, there’s no reason for them to avoid each other anymore. While it might be slightly harder for Baekhyun to actually try to be friends, he thinks nothing is worse than not having Chanyeol in his life. Anything would be better than the complete silence that he had to endure during those two years where they didn’t speak.

So they go back to the same Starbucks where Baekhyun got his breakfast, because frankly that’s the only coffee place nearby. To his surprise neither of their preferences changed, both of them still ordered the same boring iced americano, the only difference being Chanyeol adds in an extra shot that makes it taste like medicine.

“How does it feel being back in Seoul?” Chanyeol sits across from him, still looking genuinely excited to see Baekhyun again after such a long time.

“I dunno. It’s weird I guess, everything’s familiar but it doesn’t feel like home.”

Something’s missing.

“Makes sense, since you haven’t been home in three years. Which is ridiculous by the way, we all missed you.” Chanyeol pouts. He knows it’s ridiculous, but after the wedding, he couldn’t handle it. He really thought he could, but it was better to keep Chanyeol at a safe distance, at least this way, Baekhyun can still talk to him, be friends with him without him knowing how he truly feels.

He doesn’t know why Chanyeol always feels like Baekhyun could read him like a book, it never made sense to him because Chanyeol would always be the one to realize whenever he’s uncomfortable, or just magically know how he feels without Baekhyun ever mentioning it. It’s almost like Chanyeol doesn’t even realize how much he truly knows Baekhyun himself. It’s ridiculous, it’s endearing, and it’s very Chanyeol.

“Sorry.” Baekhyun flashes him an apologetic smile. “I did try my best at keeping in touch though.”

Chanyeol rolls his eyes playfully, “I guess I can appreciate the effort, although it would have been nice to have seen your face every now and then.”

“We skyped a bunch of times just a few weeks ago.” Baekhyun argues. It’s easy to tell how Chanyeol is obviously unsatisfied from just seeing Baekhyun through these skype calls every so often. But it’s weird, it’s weird to be talking to an ex through a skype call so frequently when said ex is _married_. And it doesn’t matter how Baekhyun feels, he needs to respect boundaries, even if Chanyeol had no real intentions and just wanted to connect with an old friend, he doesn’t want to be the one to cause trouble in someone else’s marriage. Ever. “How’s Jooheon?”

“Don’t change the subject, we’re not done talking about you and your glamorous life in Europe. We can discuss me later.” Chanyeol stubbornly says with a slight frown but he still maintains that playful look on his face. “How’s Europe these days?”

“Same old same old. I just got that promotion I told you about.”

“Seriously it’s like everytime I ask you about Europe, you get promoted.” Chanyeol says.

“Then ask me about it more often.” Baekhyun rolls his eyes.

“That’s it? No new significant updates? Significant others maybe?” Chanyeol sits up a little straighter, leaning in on the table.

Ah there it is. The one topic that Baekhyun would rather not discuss with Chanyeol of all people. He had a few hookups over the years and failed attempts at dating. Lots of rebounds. “Nope. I have new hobbies, does that count?”

“What happened to that girl? Yoona was it? You guys were great together.” Chanyeol ignores him and his sad attempt at changing the subject.

“I’m not really into girls as much these days.” Baekhyun admits. “Can’t really see myself in a relationship with a girl anymore.” In all fairness, he does find girls attractive sometimes, but there’s really no point in denying that he’s much more into guys. Especially when they’re tall but cute. He kinda hates the fact that he has a type.

“Oh. I didn’t know you preferred guys. I mean I know you like guys too but--you know what I mean.” Chanyeol says. And it’s funny because Baekhyun hasn’t seen Chanyeol this flustered in years.

“You like what you like, right?” He shrugs.

“Yeah of course.” Chanyeol quickly nods, like he’s scared of offending Baekhyun for some weird reason. “Does your mom, you know, does she understand?” He asks carefully.

“She doesn’t. I haven’t spoken to her in years.” Baekhyun takes a sip of his coffee. He hasn’t told anyone about the falling out he had with his mother.

He notices the gradual change in Chanyeol’s face as the words sink in. His eyes widen and then he frowns, the corner of his lips downturned. “How come you never told me? Baek if I had known I would’ve been there for you.”

Because you were on your honeymoon when it happened.

“Slipped my mind.” He says instead. “This happened years ago and I’ve been kinda drowning myself in work ever since.”

Chanyeol keeps quiet for a while, and he chews on his straw. “Is that why you didn’t come home for so long?”

“A part of it, yeah.” At least he’s not lying.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that alone. It must’ve been really hard.” Chanyeol smiles sadly at him. “ I really wish I could’ve been there for you, Baek.”

And Baekhyun truly believes that. He knows Chanyeol loves him, albeit platonically now, and truly wishes to be there for him.

It’s also hard for Baekhyun to not believe that Chanyeol’s truly sorry for not being there for him when the guy literally looks like a puppy that’s just been kicked with the way his shoulders are slumped.

He even insists on walking Baekhyun back to his hotel and Baekhyun finds it endearing that Chanyeol tries to match his steps with him so that they walk at his pace. Yes, Baekhyun walks slower because he’s shorter and Chanyeol, the tall giant that he is, goes out of his way so that he doesn’t force Baekhyun to walk a little faster.

Seriously, there’s a reason why Baekhyun has never found someone dorkier than Chanyeol; he thinks there’s literally no one out there that’s this ridiculous yet at the same time so goddamn endearing.

When they arrived at the lobby of the hotel, and Baekhyun was just about to say goodbye to him, he suddenly asked, “Baek, can I hang around for a bit?”

That catches Baekhyun off guard, he didn’t think Chanyeol would want to spend _more_ time with him considering that they’ve technically been hanging out the entire day. “Oh, sure. Wanna watch a bad movie or something?” Baekhyun offers. Netflix is always a good idea, so that way he can avoid awkward conversations and saying something incredibly stupid that he’ll regret for the rest of his life.

Chanyeol looks genuinely surprised when Baekhyun says yes, but he smiles excitedly nonetheless.

“This weirdly feels like we’re back in college.” Chanyeol says as they watch, or should he say, rewatch Back to the Future for the millionth time. They are sitting at the hotel’s queen size bed, leaning on the headboard with a safe and perfectly respectable gap between their shoulders.

“Yeah but a lot less dumber and much more financially stable.” Baekhyun laughs. Because it does remind him of the times when Chanyeol would come to his and Kyungsoo’s room and watch all kinds of movies on Baekhyun’s tiny single dorm bed, which doesn’t fit Chanyeol’s body in any way, shape, or form.

“I miss those days.” Chanyeol says, eyes still glued to the tv.

Baekhyun’s heart stops for a moment, because what does that mean? He can understand where Chanyeol’s coming from because he misses those days too, especially the days when they were together. So does that mean Chanyeol misses the time they were--

No. He’s married. It’s not right to have these thoughts when he’s literally married.

“Yeah I miss those days too,” He says, shifting a little farther away from Chanyeol so that he maintains enough distance between them. “We had less responsibilities then so it was nice. Being an adult sucks.”

Chanyeol shrugs, “You were always kind of an adult.”

“What does that mean?” Baekhyun turns to look at him.

“I mean, I dunno. I always feel like you’re way more mature than you should be. Much more mature than I am, anyway.” Chanyeol says, eyes still looking at the screen.

“What makes you say that?” Baekhyun does feel the need to protect Chanyeol’s sorry ass from time to time, especially early on in life, when Chanyeol was shorter than he was, but he doesn’t think that makes him more mature in any way.

“Well, first of all,” Chanyeol starts, finally turning his face towards Baekhyun, “You’re always scolding me about spending too much on action figures.” Baekhyun smacks his arm and Chanyeol still has the nerve to giggle. Look, Baekhyun is a bigass nerd too, but Chanyeol’s spending habits were getting way out of hand, and it didn’t help that he bought action figures every chance he got.

“Second, I always--how do I say this,” He closes his eyes and frowns in frustration, “you always looked out for me? Like sometimes I feel like you’re the hyung between the two of us.”

“I _am_ the hyung, I’m six months older.”

Chanyeol ignores him and continues, “You were always the one who was brave enough to make the tough calls. You made the choices that needed to be made when I couldn’t--or didn’t even understand.”

“Yeol, what are you--”

“For a while, I kinda resented you for it. I was angry for a long time and I couldn’t even face you,” Chanyeol sighs, “So I kinda just ran away all the way to Busan.”

Oh. That snaps Baekhyun’s mouth shut.

“I tend to do that...run away from stuff.”

Baekhyun’s unsure of what to say, despite it happening ages ago, he realizes that he’s never actually had an actual conversation with Chanyeol about this. At least, not directly like this, not without them tiptoeing around what really happened.

“I,” he starts, “I don’t blame you, really. I mean, I broke your heart. It's natural for you to want to keep a safe distance.” It’s ironic how Baekhyun spent years wondering why Chanyeol left him the way he did and pushed him away so hard, only now, he fully understands what must’ve gone through Chanyeol’s head during that time. How much it hurts seeing him with someone else.

“Your heart was broken too, remember?” Chanyeol says quietly. “But you didn’t run away.”

“No,” Baekhyun sighs, “But my way of handling things was just...doing nothing, pretend that nothing was wrong. I thought that if I’d moved on--or at least try to move on, then you’d do the same too. And eventually everything will just fall into place.”

“And it never did.” Chanyeol says softly.

“It never did.” He repeats. He really wishes that he handled everything differently, and maybe then things would’ve been different, maybe they didn’t have to be strangers for two whole years.

“We were both pretty shit at handling our breakup.” Chanyeol says.

“We were kids. We didn’t know how to deal with our emotions and a lot of other stuff.” Baekhyun admits, “For what it’s worth, I also kinda resented you for leaving. I know it’s stupid but I felt like you hated me, that you ran away because you didn’t want me in your life anymore, even as a friend.”

“You know that’s not true--”

“I know,” Baekhyun reassures him with a smile, “I just couldn’t understand you, because one day, you were calling me on my birthday and making me think that maybe we do have a chance at being friends, and the next thing I know, you move back to Seoul without telling me. You were sending all kinds of mixed signals and--” he stops to take a breath.

“I was just, I don’t know, scared? I don’t know why I didn’t tell you about Germany sooner. I’m really sorry if you felt like I used you. But I didn’t.” He continues.

“I’m sorry too. For all those things I said,” Chanyeol says, finally looking at him again., “For what it’s worth, I _never_ regretted anything. I was just stupid and angry and hurt--”

“I know.”

“No, I was just really angry because I always felt like I was this idiot who didn’t know how to move on, and when I found out you were planning on leaving me after that night, I just, I dunno I felt like I was always going to be the moron while you’re always the one to move on first.” Chanyeol sighs, looking away from Baekhyun again, like he’s ashamed, “And I just...exploded.”

Baekhyun bites his lips, he doesn’t know if he should come clean to Chanyeol about everything that’s happened, but it feels like it’s only fair if he does. This is the most honest conversation they’ve ever had, especially after their breakup, and he’s not sure if he’ll be able to muster up the courage to do this again.

“To be fair, I only looked like I moved on first,” he starts and Chanyeol turns to look at him in confusion, “I,” he starts, “When you were in Busan, right after Jieun and I broke up, I tried to find you. I bought a ticket and I didn’t know why, I just knew that I had to be where you were.”

Chanyeol’s eyes were almost comically large now, and he may also have stopped breathing. “What? How come this is the first time I’m hearing this? No wait--when was this?” He says all this in one breath.

“On your birthday. And I never told anyone, not even Jongdae.” Baekhyun laughs a little at the memory, “I did manage to find you though, by pure luck I bumped into you in a Starbucks.” It still makes him wonder how he managed to find Chanyeol in such a big city without even calling him or asking where he was. At that time, he really couldn’t believe his luck.

“I don’t know what to say.” Chanyeol says as he slowly looks back into Baekhyun’s eyes.

“Ugh, you don’t have to say anything, really. It’s already embarrassing enough as it is.” Baekhyun says, “I just thought you should know that I never got over you quickly or whatever. I really cherish what we had.”

“I’m sorry, Baek oh my god I’m so sorry--” Chanyeol covers his face with his hands.

“Don’t be! That was a long time ago.” Baekhyun quickly reassures him.

They both sit in silence for a while until he hears Chanyeol take a deep breath, “I, um, I actually need to tell you something.” Chanyeol says turning to him.

“What is it?” He asks. From the looks of it, this can’t be good news. Chanyeol’s currently biting his lips and Baekhyun knows he’s hesitating.

“I think,” he says, “Jooheon and I, we...aren’t exactly in the best place right now.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” Baekhyun frowns. He’s genuinely sorry, the last thing he wants is Chanyeol to be unhappy in his marriage. He meant it when he wanted Chanyeol to be happy, but at the same time he’s not too sure on what to say.

“No, it’s just, I need your opinion,” Chanyeol says, his voice shaky, “Do you think, I should get a divorce?”

=

He hates himself for it, he hates that he’s exhausted. Chanyeol made a lot of mistakes in his life, and getting married so early in a relationship was probably one of his biggest ones yet. It seemed to be a good idea to him at the time, after all, Jooheon is a great guy. He’s funny, patient, and for the first time in years Chanyeol doesn’t feel lonely, like he’s finally able to connect with someone.

When Chanyeol met Jooheon in New York, it felt almost surreal to him to see such a familiar face all the way across the world. He’d been more than flattered when he learned that Jooheon thought he looked great and implied multiple times that he was still interested in Chanyeol during his stay in New York. At the time, he thought maybe this is how it’s supposed to be, and when he finally gets together with Jooheon, he convinces himself that this was meant to be. Given the circumstances, it was easy to believe that it was more than a coincidence.

Both of them were willing and eager to make things last, it was so great to finally have someone to want you back, to feel like you can finally breathe again, it felt like Chanyeol’s finally gonna be whole again.

But that’s just the thing, he entered the relationship thrilled with the idea of finally being able to move on and he didn’t realize it back then, but that puts Jooheon on a pedestal. He was in this relationship for all the wrong reasons.

Jooheon, like any normal person out there, entered the relationship thinking that maybe he can fix Chanyeol, that if he loves Chanyeol hard enough, it’ll finally rid him of his previous scars. And Chanyeol put the same expectations on Jooheon; that maybe through Jooheon’s love for him, he will somehow magically heal and turn out for the better.

They both entered the relationship too eager, both with unfair expectations of each other, both of them didn’t want to entertain the idea that their relationship was anything but sunshine and rainbows like it had been when they were in New York. Things definitely changed when Jooheon moved to Korea after their wedding.

When they’ve finally reached their breaking point, it doesn’t happen instantly, it happens over the course of many arguments and a slow realization of how exhausted they’ve become, and how different their expectations are, and how neither of them could ever fulfill each other’s expectations of the relationship.

And deep down, he knew this. He was an adult, he’s not stupid, he knows that he’s moving too fast with Jooheon, that getting married only after several months of long distance dating wasn’t the best idea, that’s why he never mentioned his relationships to any of his closest friends, not even Kyungsoo and Jongdae. But things were good for once and he didn’t want to make the mistake of letting Jooheon, someone that’s good to him, go. Not again. So at the time, getting married seemed like a necessary step. It’s almost like an attempt for Chanyeol to convince himself that he was ready, that he’s never going to look back.

But joke’s on him, because now he knows that a person can never really heal or move on, without them making peace with themselves first. He doesn’t want to think that broken people are undeserving of love, but he thinks it’s unfair to place an expectation on another person to do the healing for him.

He hates himself for bringing Jooheon into this mess, but he understands that all of the decisions were consensual and the only thing he can do now is just to let things run its course. And like he’d expected, he and his husband grew more and more distant as they realized that things were obviously not working out between them.

It happens on a Tuesday when Jooheon gives him the ultimatum of going to New York with him and living there so that they can start over, or they go their separate ways.

It is now Saturday, and Chanyeol has yet to give him an answer.

He didn’t know what he was thinking by asking Baekhyun this, but something in him wants to admit to Baekhyun that his life is falling apart. He’s scared. He’d felt safe for the past years, and now he’s about to go into the unknown again, he’s going to be vulnerable to more heartbreak if he does go through with a divorce.

But he couldn’t leave, he can’t go to New York. Because going to New York meant leaving so many things behind. This isn’t some long vacation, this is the real deal. If he goes, then he’s going to build a whole new life there, a new life without his friends, without his family, without Baekhyun. They were already so far apart, and if Chanyeol moves away, then it’ll only lead them to drifting farther away from each other.

Baekhyun looks absolutely flabbergasted by the question and it took him quite some time to process what Chanyeol had said, but then he doesn’t say yes, or no. He doesn’t even ask about why he’s considering divorce.

“I can’t make that decision for you, Chanyeol.” He says.

Chanyeol didn’t know what he was thinking, asking Baekhyhun something like that. But now, more than ever, Chanyeol is sure of what he needs to do. The entire time he waited for Baekhyun to speak, he realized that his heart desperately wanted Baekhyun to say yes. That he should stay here, and take a different approach to life, and maybe then if he’s lucky, he’ll eventually heal and feel whole again.

He wakes up to the sunlight and realizes that he’d fallen asleep in Baekhyun’s hotel room. Baekhyun’s right next to him, although facing the other way and keeping a hilariously safe distance from him. Chanyeol chuckles at the sight and at the sudden pang of nostalgia and how familiar everything is. It’s familiar yet it feels new, in a way.

Chanyeol stands up and leaves a note on his side of the bed for Baekhyun to find when he wakes up. It’s a simple thank you for letting him stay the night there and for being such a good friend.

No more running away this time.

It’s on a Sunday when Chanyeol is finally brave enough to make a decision. He would be lying if he said his stomach didn’t feel like it was twisting in the worst way possible. He’s walking into his home, about to face a man that so clearly loves him, only to tell him that he can’t do this anymore.

But it’s the right thing to do, Chanyeol knows he can’t stay in this marriage. It’s not fair to both of them.

He didn’t expect for Jooheon to be so calm, like he’d somehow already expected that Chanyeol would say no to moving. It’s not until a month later, when they meet up to sign divorce papers, that Jooheon finally asks him.

“Be honest with me,” He says, “Does Baekhyun have anything to do with this?”

Chanyeol shakes his head, “No,” He immediately says, but then he’s not being completely honest, and he at least owes Jooheon his honesty, “Not in the way you’re thinking, at least.”

And it’s the truth, he isn’t getting divorced with the hopes of pursuing Baekhyun again. He just needs the space and time to figure things out on his own.

“I understand,” Jooheon sighs, “There’s too much history between you two, and from what you told me, a lot of regrets.”

Chanyeol nods without saying anything and without looking at Jooheon.

“I don’t hate you, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Jooheon says, “You broke my heart but I also know that we won’t ever work out, no matter how hard we try. At least not when it’s so obvious you’re in love with someone else.”

Chanyeol only looks at him then, and denial is already at the tip of his tongue when Jooheon continues.

“Before you say no, I’m just telling you how I feel about the situation.” He says, “I can see that there’s a lot of sadness and things that were left unsaid just from his speech at our wedding. And I was wrong for thinking that I can change you or make you love me.”

“I’m sorry.” Chanyeol says, he feels like it’s the only thing left for him to say. “You deserve better, you really do. I was the reason why we got married so fast.”

“It takes two to tango, Chanyeol.” He says with a sad smile.

The divorce wasn’t easy. It’s not like Chanyeol had zero feelings for his ex-husband. It feels like every other break up, it’s painful, draining and it kinda eats up at your soul. It takes him a few good weeks before he realizes the weight of what he’d done; that he had ended his own marriage.

He regrets it, not the marriage or the divorce, but he regrets having to cause so much pain to someone who loved him.

During the first six months after his divorce, Chanyeol didn’t feel like going out too often, and he didn’t respond to a lot of texts either, he finds himself being too drained to do anything other than doing his chores and work. He still went out with friends every once in a while but he often becomes the first person to go home and call it a night.

The text came on a particularly sleepless night, at 5:29am to be exact. So it was more morning than it is night.There’s a roughly seven hour difference between Seoul and Germany, so it must be around 10.29pm for Baekhyun.

_[5:29am] hey haven’t heard from you in a while. you okay?_

It’s roughly only been a week or two since he’s spoken to Baekhyun. Chanyeol types in a reply, but then he erases it. He types again, then finding himself erasing it again. Frustrated that he can’t put his thoughts into words, he presses the call button instead.

“Chanyeol?”

“Hey, yeah I’m okay.”

“Couldn’t have told me that over text?” Despite what he said, Baekhyun doesn’t sound irritated. If anything he sounds amused.

“No--I mean yeah I could, but I just wanted to talk, I guess.” Plus hearing Baekhyun’s voice always comforts him.

“Okay. Sorry for texting you so late. I just got off work and I thought I’d check on you.”

Chanyeol snorts at Baekhyun’s obvious lie. “So you _randomly_ wanted to check on me after a ridiculously long day of work?”

“Is it that hard to believe that I’m worried?”

“At this hour? Kinda, yeah.”

“Okay fine. Yoora-noona and Jongdae and Kyungsoo and basically everyone we’ve ever known is worried sick about you.” Baekhyun admits. “You barely return any of our calls.”

“I...just, I really need space right now.” Chanyeol sighs. “Haven’t really been doing anything outside of work. And buying cookies.”

“Yeah but we don’t want you to be alone after, you know.”

“Divorce. You can say it Baek, it’s been six months.” Chanyeol chuckles a bit.

“Sorry. Thought it was too soon.” He never really discussed his divorce with Baekhyun, except that time when he said that he’d made the decision to go through with it. But Baekhyun never asks, despite the obvious worry in his voice and texts sometimes. He probably also knows that Chanyeol’s being his flaky gloomy self again like he was in college from all of his friends, hence the text.

“I already told you, and Jongdae and Kyungsoo and literally everyone else that I’m okay.” Chanyeol reassures him, he’s grateful that his friends are worrying about his well-being so much, but he really is healing. Slowly. “And I’m not completely alone, I have Toben.”

Baekhyun snorts. “I miss Toben. If only I was there, I would’ve forced myself into your apartment to make sure your dog is properly fed while his owner mopes.”

“Yeah having you here would be nice.” Chanyeol blurts out, finding that his mouth does indeed move faster than his brain sometimes.

There’s a brief silence between them, only Baekhyun’s breathing could be heard from the phone and Chanyeol’s partially mortified. Not that he meant anything by it, he really does wish Baekhyun was here, he knows how to make Chanyeol laugh more than anyone else.

“I wish I could be there too.” Baekhyun says.

And Chanyeol decides to fuck it all to hell. He’s already made it awkward for the both of them so might as well go all the way, “Can I ask you a question? It’s something that happened a few years ago, I’m not sure if you remember. But I need to ask.”

A question that he should’ve asked a long time ago. A question about something that he’d tried to ignore time and time again over the past few years.

“Okay, what is it?” Baekhyun says, in a slightly quieter voice.

Chanyeol takes a deep breath. “That time you called me, when I was at the market," He pauses, he's not entirely too sure if Baekhyun would even remember, but he needs to know. "Why did you… Why’d you tell me not to get married?”

It was loud that day at the market, and the music coming from Baekhyun's side was loud too, plus he was sure that Baekhyun was slightly drunk. So when he heard him say something along the lines of _don’t get married_ he thought that he’d imagined it. It seemed ridiculous to him at the time.

For the longest time, Chanyeol tried to brush it off as something that he’d imagined. Hence why he still got married. He didn’t want to entertain the idea of Baekhyun not wanting him to get married to someone else. At the time, he couldn’t bear the idea of confronting Baekhyun, only to be met with disappointment if he learned that he did in fact make the entire thing up in his head. So he pretended that it never happened and got married to someone else.

A terrible move on his part because even if he did imagine the whole thing, it should’ve been an obvious sign that it was what he wanted to hear in the first place. Not that he’d ever admit it at the time, but he realizes that it was something that he’d hoped to hear. Baekhyun might have been ready to let him go, but what happens when Chanyeol never wanted him to let go in the first place?

There’s a long silence afterwards, it was so long and so quiet that Chanyeol panics at the possibility of Baekhyun just hanging up on him.

“Do you...Do you really want an answer to that?” Baekhyun finally says, his voice calm and controlled.

Chanyeol knows why Baekhyun’s so hesitant to answer him. They both already know why Baekhyun said what he said, and they both know that once Baekhyun says it out loud, things will once again change between them. And they’re both not sure if it’s something they’d want to risk, especially not when they’re finally _finally_ in each other’s lives again.

“I do.” Chanyeol says. “I just really need to know, Baek.”

“Why does it matter now?”

“You know why.” He thinks Baekhyun knows. He must know. Chanyeol’s always been such an open book.

“I can’t read your mind, Chanyeol.”

This time, Chanyeol needs to say it. Deep down, he knows why this matters, he knows why he’s bringing this up now after three whole years of pretending it never happened. It matters now because, despite his best efforts to forget and to move on he’s still--

“I just--I miss you.” Is all he manages to say. Pathetic. Even now Chanyeol’s still not brave enough to take that leap. But his heart can’t take it, he can’t handle the thought of another rejection from Baekhyun, certainly when he’s not even sure if Baekhyun still feels the same way as he does.

The silence that follows is long, “Me too. I...miss you too.”

Something in Chanyeol tells him that Baekhyun knows the true meaning behind the words, because the next thing that Baekhyun says to him hurts more than it should have.

“I miss you, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun pauses, Chanyeol can hear him taking a deep breath through the phone. “But you’re there, and I’m here.”

Right, because even if they’re back in each other’s lives, they’re still worlds apart. Baekhyun has a life there, in Germany, a career, a whole life full of people and things that Chanyeol probably doesn’t know. Sure they’re back in each other’s lives but Chanyeol realizes that over the years, he’s reduced to only a small fraction of Baekhyun’s world.

And Chanyeol thinks that he only has himself to blame for how things ended up. “I understand.” He says, feeling the tears welling up in his eyes. He’s been given so many chances to make things right with Baekhyun, and he’s managed to screw up every single one of them. This can’t go on forever, eventually Chanyeol has to be the one that lets Baekhyun go. “I really hope you’re happy there.”

This is probably his third time trying but Chanyeol is _truly_ trying his best to move on, and it’s a little bit easier this time; there’s no resentment left, no things left unsaid, no questions left unanswered. But Chanyeol does things a little bit different this time too, he doesn’t go on another trip in hopes that he’ll find something that’ll fill the holes in his heart, he doesn’t try to forget Baekhyhun like he did before, but he tries to accept them.

He accepts that he’ll just have to live with the consequences of the choices he’s made, because that’s just how life is.

And life goes on, and it’s made easier when he truly does have the best people in to help him through it.

Yixing was right all along, because people can surprise you in the best way possible. He’d never thought he would live to see the day his dad comes knocking on his apartment door to apologize. Chanyeol felt like he was in a dream when it happened, he’d come to terms with having his dad resent him for the rest of his life, but then, here they are, talking in his living room, his dad apologizing, saying that he regrets he’d treated Chanyeol so horribly over the past ten years.

He says it all hit him when he’d turned sixty that year, that something about how he was completely absent from his only son’s life for the majority of his fifties just didn’t sit right with him. It raised a lot of questions in him but more than that, it made him feel so much regret. He never got to see Chanyeol graduate, he’s missed Chanyeol’s wedding and if he doesn’t change, then he’ll miss almost every bit of Chanyeol’s life.

And now, at age sixty, he realizes he doesn’t want that. He believes that God has given him such a long life so that he can spend more time with his family, he’s long known that his devotion to his family was his life’s purpose, and yet, he’s ostracized his only son for more than ten years. It’s wrong. It shouldn’t be that way.

“You turned out different than how I’d raised you to be, I had so many expectations for you, I wanted to see you marry a pretty girl and raise a family of your own--but now I realize that it’d been unfair for you because these were my hopes and dreams, not yours.”

Chanyeol couldn’t believe what he was hearing, he really couldn’t believe that his dad had come to terms with his sexuality.

“I was the one who let you down, Chanyeol,” His dad says, “You turned out different than how I’d raised you because you were brave enough to live as who you are inside. And I couldn’t be more proud of you, son.”

"I’m sorry, and in time I hope you can forgive me.” He says again after seeing how Chanyeol is still frozen in shock.

Chanyeol couldn’t even remember the last time he’d hugged his dad, but after hearing those words, he can’t help but to launch himself onto his dad to give him a big hug. He’s pretty sure he’s bawling his eyes out because his dad is laughing and softly ruffling his hair. This is more than he could ever hope for.

It is only after this conversation that Chanyeol can slowly understand why his dad did what he did, and only now he understands that his actions, no matter how horrible and hurtful it was, it came from a place of love. And no, that doesn’t justify it, and he’s glad that his dad came to him to apologize without excuses, but Chanyeol understands now.

His dad cried that day not only because Chanyeol was turning out different than what he’d expected, but he was scared. He was scared and at the same time devastated that his son, at least from the beliefs that he was taught, will never be able to experience love as he should. That his son is stuck in a lifestyle that’s full of sin. And he didn’t want to enable it.

It doesn’t justify his actions but it does bring clarity. And it’s a starting point for both Chanyeol and his dad even if they’re on two completely different paths of life. It will never come instantly and it sure as hell won’t come easily, but Chanyeol knows he has it in him to forgive his dad. And his dad, slowly but surely, will find it in him, regardless of his faith, to accept Chanyeol for who he is.

Thanks to his dad, he’s never felt closer to his family, his mom and sister are constantly sending him care packages even though he insists that he’s been a _real adult_ for some time now and he’s not going to accidentally starve himself to death. And on the days he’s sad, he does visit home more often, and on some weekends he makes time to go fishing with his dad.

At first it was a bit awkward, reconnecting with someone after years of being estranged will always be a little weird at times but Chanyeol appreciates the effort his dad is making, it’s more than enough, much _much_ more than he could’ve ever hoped for. He knows his dad is going the extra mile to make Chanyeol feel accepted, almost like he’s overcompensating for the years that they’ve lost. He even suggests that he might know some friends whose sons Chanyeol might find _interesting_.

Chanyeol doesn’t catch it at first, but when his dad says _‘he’s a handsome fella I heard, also has a steady job like you’_ Chanyeol figures out that his dad is trying to set him up with his friend’s son. And despite the awkward and clunky way his dad said it, it makes Chanyeol smile fondly at the effort he’s making. Chanyeol wraps a hand around his dad's shoulder and his dad laughs when Chanyeol tries to reassure him that he’s not at all lonely.

“We’re just worried about you, son. A divorce isn’t something that someone can just get over.”

And it’s true, it does take a long, _long_ , time before Chanyeol can feel like he’s okay again, like he’s made the right decision by letting Jooheon go. But this time he knows that while his heart is still obviously with someone else, he shouldn’t rush into a relationship. He shouldn’t bear the burden to someone else, it’s not fair to them, he should never go into a relationship and just expect the other person to magically fix him. While it does sound great on paper, or in the movies, how meeting the right person just fixes everything in your life, and heals all of the wounds that’s remained with you for literal years--and while it does happen to some people, it doesn’t happen to the majority of us. It’s a nice thought, but like everything else he’s learned, sometimes it’s just wishful thinking.

And he’s grateful for Jooheon, if not for his ex-husband, Chanyeol may never have come to the conclusion that maybe Chanyeol isn’t ready for a relationship after all. He needs a lot of stuff to figure out and probably make peace with himself so he’ll make the right choices this time around, and as hard as his divorce was, he’s a hundred percent sure that it’s the right decision. He just needs to convince his parents that he doesn’t need to be set up with family friends or god forbid, more blind dates--which was something that his entire family, sister included, was discussing in the kitchen when Chanyeol walked in and overheard when he was home that year for Christmas.

It’s a bit lonely, but he has his friends, who are, like always, extremely supportive of him. And it’s easier this time for them too, they don’t have to feel like they’re choosing sides because there’s no bad blood between him and Baekhyun. They are still in each other’s lives so there isn’t any awkward tension and awkward pauses whenever someone mentions Baekhyun’s name in front of Chanyeol.

“Have you talked to him these days?” Jongdae asks as they sit in the middle of a McDonald’s. He insisted that they should gather at a more family friendly place now that he’s bringing his kid everywhere with him instead of his camera.

“Yeah, he texted me a while back.” It’s been almost a year since that phone call with Baekhyun, and they do keep in touch, they call and text much more often than before and Chanyeol thinks it’s a good thing. Maybe this is a sign that his friendship with Baekhyun is fully repaired, because it sure feels like it, for the first time in a long time, he feels like Baekhyun is his best friend again.

“What did he say?” Jongdae asks. Before Chanyeol has the chance to answer, he panics at Sehun who decides to hold Jongdae’s baby like Simba from the Lion King above their table.

Chanyeol giggles at the ridiculousness of his friends, and thinks back at the text. The last one was a bit unusual when compared to the rest, usually when Baekhyun texts him it’s when he sees something that reminds him of Chanyeol, like a ferret Baekhyun saw at a pet store on his way to work, generally just random things. But the most recent one, probably around a month or so ago, is definitely different.

_[08.29 am] idk if you’re awake or not but what do you do when you’re about to make the biggest decision of your life?_

[08.31 am] ???? why are you awake?? isn’t it like 2am there??? and you’re asking the wrong person lol

_[08.33am] i don’t know… i have to make up my mind about this thing and idk if i’m making the right choice._

[08.40am] uhh follow your heart i guess??? i feel like sometimes following your heart pushes you in the right direction, even if you don’t know it yet. cheesy as fuck i know but it worked for me so would recommend 10/10.

Baekhyun’s weirdly vague about the _thing_ he was referring to in his text, and Chanyeol kinda has an idea of what he’s talking about. He would be lying if it didn’t bother him. Despite them being friends again Chanyeol still has a hard time handling the thought of Baekhyun being with someone else, it’s still so hard for him to fully let go of that sliver of hope that maybe, one day, they can really try again.

Kyungsoo appears to notice the sudden change in Chanyeol’s mood and decides to ask Chanyeol to accompany him outside for a smoke. “Something on your mind?”

Chanyeol shakes his head in amusement at how fast Kyungsoo catches on, “Yeah, just the usual.” He says, trying to be vague.

“Baekhyun?” And of course, Kyungsoo sees right through him.

Chanyeol nods.

“It’s been a while since you talked about him.”

Kyungsoo thinks he’s an idiot for thinking that the decision Baekhyun talked about in his text is about a relationship. And he supposes, Kyungsoo might be right, Baekhyun never did give him proper context about his text, and he hasn’t talked much to Chanyeol in the last two months so it really could have been about anything.

In any case, Chanyeol takes it as a cruel sign from the universe that he’s not as over Baekhyun as he’d like to believe. But then again, he doesn’t think he’ll truly be over Baekhyun. He’s learned to live without having Baekhyun, and the idea of never having him again, but he’s never going to live without loving Baekhyun.

A few weeks later, on his way back from driving his dad back from the hospital after his usual check up, Chanyeol takes the opportunity to go back to the small park near his neighborhood. He doesn’t have any specific reason on why he’d wanted to go other than he was just feeling extra nostalgic that day. He hesitated at first, feeling like going back will only make him more attached to the things that he should’ve let go of. It makes him think of things that he could’ve done differently, things that could’ve turned out differently.

Once he gets there, he sits on the swing set and smiles to himself. It’s almost been twenty years, two whole decades, since Baekhyun first bumped into him and offered his friendship. He couldn't believe that he’d meet the love of his life so early, and he wants to punch himself in the face for not realizing how he truly felt sooner. Of course that wouldn’t be possible considering their circumstances but still, he sometimes wishes that he had more time with Baekhyun.

It’s great that they’re friends now, but Chanyeol really, really wants to show Baekhyun that he cares. That Baekhyun is most probably one of the most--if not the most important person in Chanyeol’s life. Despite their ups and downs, and despite all of their mistakes, they are somehow still friends, still in each other’s lives.

And he couldn’t help but wonder, what would’ve happened if things were different; if the odds weren’t so stacked up against them. Would they have made it? Or would they eventually break apart too? After all, Chanyeol still thinks that maybe they were just never meant to be--always missing the moment, saying the wrong things and when they are together, it’s always at the worst possible time.

His thoughts are then interrupted by the sound of footsteps and a small gasp. Chanyeol looks up and he blinks a few times, because surely, this isn’t real.

“Baekhyun?” Chanyeol stands up.

“Hey.” Baekhyun says, looking just as bewildered as Chanyeol.

“You’re here. What are you doing here?” Baekhyun is here. In the flesh. Standing right in front of Chanyeol.

“I don’t know.”

“What--Baek, how are you here?” Chanyeol says, still not moving an inch.

“I always run into you somehow,” Baekhyun starts, not really answering any of Chanyeol’s questions. “It doesn’t matter if we were looking for each other or avoiding one another, I always somehow bump into you."

“You’re in Seoul. You’re here.” Chanyeol says, mostly to himself this time.

“I just landed yesterday.”

“And you’re at the park. Where we first met.” Baekhyun is here. In Seoul. And he came looking for Chanyeol. And somehow they bump into each other just one day after he lands.

“I am.”

“Why--How?” Now that Chanyeol’s thought about it, they have an awful lot of coincidences where they just bump into each other. Just like Baekhyun said, they always find their way back in each other’s lives almost like it’s supposed to happen the way it did.

“Because I’ve made my decision.”

No matter how many choices were made, and no matter how painful some of them were, all of their choices always lead them back here. Back to square one. "And what's that?"

“That I want to come back. I want to be home,” Baekhyun starts slowly, “And I want to be with you.”

“Baek slow down--you’re moving back? You’re moving back for good?” Chanyeol swears he stops breathing for a good two seconds. Baekhyun’s moving back. Baekhyun is going to be living here, in Seoul.

Baekhyun nods and continues, “I just--I don’t know, you told me to follow my heart and this is it.” his gaze fixated on Chanyeol’s.

“This is my decision, but I still don’t know if it’s the right one. I need you to tell me if I made the right choice, Chanyeol.” He says.

Baekhyun made the decision to break up that night, because he thought it was what had to be done. Chanyeol made the decision to go to Busan because he felt he needed to get away. Baekhyun made the choice to go to Germany because Chanyeol made the choice to push him away. Chanyeol made the decision to get married so quickly because he wanted to move on.

It’s funny how all of their choices, no matter how painful, seem to only lead them back to each other again.

He couldn’t see it back then, but now, looking at the grand scheme of it all, it’s almost like they were supposed to end up here. In the moment, it felt like he and Baekhyun never had a choice, but now he realizes that could not be further from the truth. It’s just that they needed to go on their separate journeys first before they finally, finally find their way back to each other.

And now, Chanyeol’s made the decision to let go of his marriage and Baekhyun’s made the decision to come back to him.

“Why? Why do you need me to tell you if you've made the right choice or not?” Chanyeol says, eyes still looking directly into’ Baekhyun’s.

“I just need to hear you say it. Please.”

Chanyeol doesn’t answer, but he instead takes careful steps towards Baekhyun, almost like he’s afraid if he moves too fast, Baekhyun will disappear. And when he’s standing in front of Baekhyun, only a few inches apart, Chanyeol cups his face gently with his hand, still can’t quite find it in him to think that all of this isn’t a dream. Because he’s dreamt of this moment so many times, and he’s woken up alone to a cold and empty bed more times than he could count.

“You're not dreaming, Yeol. I'm here.” He hears Baekhyun chuckle, and he immediately reddens once he realizes that he’d said everything out loud. Just as Chanyeol is about to pull away his hand out of embarrassment, he’s stopped by Baekhyun who holds Chanyeol’s hand in place with his own, and leans into the touch.

“You’re here.” Chanyeol says, tears welling up in his eyes, making his vision slightly blurry. “And you love me.” He says again, this time with a slight laughter in his voice, still in disbelief of what’s happening.

This time it’s Baekhyun who pulls him closer, until their foreheads touch. “Yes, I do. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

Sometimes, you just have to let life run its course before you end up exactly where you’re supposed to be.

It’s Chanyeol who closes the distance between them with a kiss, a shy one at first almost like their first, it’s short and sweet. The taste of his lips feel so foreign yet familiar. It’s a feeling that he couldn’t quite describe but it leaves him breathless when he pulls away.

The kiss that comes right after is a little more desperate, he kisses Baekhyun with hunger and desperation that’s built up over so many years of longing and regret, and if he’s being honest he never wants to pull away. And he needs Baekhyun to know that he’s never going to let go.

To say that he and Baekhyun were glued to the bed after they’d finally made it to his apartment would be an understatement. He’s had his fair share of hookups over the years, and he thinks he’s made love several times with only a few people, but this feels different. It feels so much more special. Maybe this is different because he’s climbing into bed with the person who he considers the love of his life, the one that got away--with Baekhyun. But it feels different, it feels more intense yet tender and it makes Chanyeol’s heart swell in his chest. It all feels like a dream to him; a big crazy and cruel dream that he eventually has to wake up from.

“Again, still not a dream.” Baekhyun laughs again, resting his head on Chanyeol’s chest.

And Baekhyun’s right, it’s not a dream after all, because when he wakes up the next day, Baekhyun is right there snuggled up next to him.

“I still can’t believe you’re here, for real.” Is the first thing he says when he wakes up.

Baekhyun smiles. “I’ve thought about coming back for a while now. Even before that call.”

“Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you come back sooner?”

“Because I was scared. It’s a scary thought leaving everything behind for...you know.” Chanyeol knows, it’s hard to leave everything behind for a person that might just push him away, again. And a big part of him knows that this is for the best, if Baekhyun had come back too soon, Chanyeol might not even be ready for a relationship again.

“But you did.” Chanyeol says with a smile. Because despite everything, Baekhyun still made the choice to come back to him. Giving them another chance at this, and maybe finally doing it right this time.

“I did. Because as much as I love my life there, I do miss it here. And I never planned for us to actually happen--I mean it’s amazing that we’re here but,” Baekhyun shifts a little looking up at Chanyeol, “I came back content with just the idea of us being friends, I thought that it was enough for me. But the moment I saw you sitting in that park, I just knew no matter how much I try it won’t ever be enough.”

“So you came back.”

“And I was ready to accept whatever you decide, Chanyeol. I completely understand if you need space, I mean I don’t want to pressure you into anything, especially so soon after the divorce.”

Chanyeol did need the space, but he’s had nothing but space for the past year, and frankly, he’s been waiting for this moment ever since the day they broke up. He’s been waiting for the day where they can try again, for real this time. “I’ve been given plenty of space these past few years.”

“Me too.” Baekhyun says with a smile.

Learning from his past mistakes, Chanyeol doesn’t want to rush anything when it comes to Baekhyun. Always taking his time with everything, including breaking the news to their friends. And as expected, none of them were really surprised. As much as they act like one, he knows his friends aren’t complete idiots. When he and Baekhyun came to Baekhyun’s welcome back party hand in hand, none of them asked any questions, only exchanging glances with one another with a big grin on their faces.

At the end of the night, it was Sehun who asked, “So how did you guys manage to get together? I wanna know the entire story. Don’t leave any details out.”

And despite Chanyeol’s reluctance to tell them everything mostly just because how ridiculously long their story was, he did end up telling his story. Every single thing. No details being left out, as per Sehun’s request (maybe except for the details of intimate moments because telling their friends that would just make everyone uncomfortable).

He notices Baekhyun reaching for his hand when he gets to the parts where he thinks that Baekhyun didn’t love him as much, and squeezing his hand through the parts where he tells their friends about their families and how he regret the things he said before Baekhyun left for Germany.

Baekhyun eventually takes over in being the one telling the story when he notices Chanyeol getting a little bit overwhelmed when he starts talking about Jooheon and he still doesn’t let go of Chanyeol’s hand while he continues to talk.

By the end of it, almost everyone, except Kyungsoo and Jongdae, looked like they were holding back tears.

Jongin, being the big softie that he is, finally cried first. And all of them admitted that they all at one point wondered and knew that he and Baekhyun had feelings for one another, and that it didn’t work out. It takes around another hour before Junmyeon and Minseok stop apologizing for not being there to offer emotional support.

But it was Sehun who emphasized that there shouldn't be any room for sadness and regret and all that bullshit, what matters now is that Baekhyun and Chanyeol finally worked things out, and that they will always have their friends no matter what.

So at the end of the night, it ends up being Chanyeol who cries like a baby which results in him being tackled into a group hug by his friends.

==

Chanyeol doesn’t realize it at first, not until one day, Baekhyun pulls away from him with a sad smile on his face, “Yeol, you don’t have to keep feeling sorry.” He doesn’t realize that he’s been kissing Baekhyun with so much desperation and need that it must’ve felt like Chanyeol's trying to apologize. Trying to make up for all the hurt he's caused Baekhyun.

Ever since they “officially” got back together, Chanyeol’s been on a nonstop grind to make up for the time that they’ve lost and to make up for all of the times he’s hurt Baekhyun. Sure, they’ve both acknowledged that they did hurt each other one way or another, but Chanyeol just wants to show how sorry he is, and that he still thinks he’s undeserving of Baekhyun.

He cries one night at the thought--at the thought that he’d never be good enough for Baekhyun. Just one week after Baekhyun finally moved in with him. It all started with too many glasses of wine and suddenly, boom, he’s hit with a sudden wave of fear; fear of messing up, fear of hurting Baekhyun and fear of making the same mistakes.

“I can't believe you came back--” Chanyeol sobs.

“What?” Baekhyun, who up until that point was busy with his phone, glances at Chanyeol. He then obviously panics at the sight of Chanyeol and drops his phone to comfort his giant crybaby of a boyfriend.

“Why’d you leave Germany for me? Baek you had such a great life there.” Chanyeol looks at him, the corner of his lips downturned.

The worry on Baekhyun’s face is then replaced with an understanding smile. “I have a great life here too, what are you on about?”

“I left you, I ran away from you and pushed you away, yet you still came back. You left everything for me.” He hates how he left Baekhyun, he hates that he hurt Baekhyun so many times. He couldn’t even imagine what it must’ve been like for Baekhyun, to see Chanyeol marry someone else. And he still had the nerve to ask Baekhyun to be his best man, forcing him to make a speech about how happy he is for Chanyeol. It’s so, so cruel and Baekhyun doesn’t deserve any of it.

“And I’ll keep coming back, until you’ll believe me that I love you and everything that happened doesn’t matter anymore.”

Chanyeol stands up and runs inside his bedroom and starts opening a box full of his old belongings. Baekhyun who trails behind him looks confused at first and looks even more confused when Chanyeol hands him a book.

“Here, read it.” He says.

“What is this?” Baekhyun takes the book from him and inspects it.

“My journal--I know it’s lame and all but I needed to get my thoughts out.” Chanyeol says, slightly embarrassed, “It’s evidence that I truly did love you and I never wanted to hurt you on purpose.”

Baekhyun looks away from the book and back to him, “Yeol, I don’t need to read your journal to know that, besides I don’t want to invade your privacy.” He says, holding out the book to return it.

“No. I want you to read it,” Chanyeol says, “There’s a lot of stuff in there that I want you to know and I’ll probably never have the courage to say to your face.”

Baekhyun shakes his head but finally accepts the book. He then wipes the tears off of Chanyeol’s face and gives him a big warm hug and Chanyeol finally starts to calm down.

“I want you to know that I love you,” Chanyeol continues. He’ll make up for lost time by showing just how much Baekhyun means to him, and he’s so relieved that it feels like he’ll have the rest of his life to make up for his mistakes. “I’ll remind you every day if I have to.”

Baekhyun laughs, the corner of his eyes crinkling. “That doesn’t sound so bad.”

As mortifying as his drunken outburst was, it gets Chanyeol thinking about forever. It shouldn’t be a surprise to him, or anyone really, that he sees Baekhyun in his forever. So, by that logic, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that Chanyeol buys a ring not too long after he and Baekhyun got back together.

In his defense, he buys it on impulse. He doesn’t have any plans to propose to Baekhyun...yet, he doesn’t want to move too fast, not with how everything’s finally falling into place. He didn’t want to make the same mistake he did with Jooheon. So he keeps the box hidden in his apartment, and moves it around every few weeks out of fear that Baekhyun might accidentally stumble upon it.

“What’s the acceptable time frame for a divorced person to remarry?” Chanyeol tries his hardest to sound casual when he brings the subject up at his dinner with Kyungsoo and Jongdae.

“Whenever that person feels like they’re ready.” Kyungsoo answers without missing a beat, but then his eyes widen once he realizes what Chanyeol’s question meant.

“Oh my god, Chanyeol are you?” Jongdae asks, at the same time.

“Yeah.”

Kyungsoo grins at him. “If you feel like you and Baekhyun are ready, then you should do it.”

Chanyeol takes out the ring from his pocket and shows it to them. “I’ve had this for a while now. But you know we both agreed that we don’t wanna rush into anything because things are finally right this time.”

“But you just can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with him?” Jongdae starts chuckling, “Seriously? You carry this around with you _everywhere_?”

Even Kyungsoo is giggling along with him, truly a sight that you don’t get to witness everyday.

“Don’t laugh.” Chanyeol pouts. Okay he admits it, it’s kind of ridiculous that he carries around a ring in his pocket everywhere, but he’s getting more and more paranoid about Baekhyun accidentally finding the ring while he’s cleaning the apartment or doing laundry or something.

“I thought you both were tired of waiting. Don’t act like you didn’t fantasize about your dream wedding with Baekhyun when you were like eighteen.” Kyungsoo points out and humiliates Chanyeol all at once.

“That was one time, and I was drunk.” Chanyeol rolls his eyes.

“You’re an honest drunk.” Jongdae sips on his iced tea.

After his talk with Kyungsoo and Jongdae, Chanyeol feels like he has a little more courage than before. And when Baekhyun suggests the idea of them adopting a corgi together, Chanyeol thinks they’re ready. Because adopting a pet together is a big step for any couple right? Pets are a commitment, a long term commitment. So he looks into the mirror and tells himself that he will propose to Baekhyun _tonight_.

Just like in the movies, Chanyeol makes the effort to look extra nice by styling his now black hair back, showing his forehead and wears a little bit of too much cologne. He takes Baekhyun to a nice restaurant, and afterwards he ends the evening by taking Baekhyun to an art gallery. It’s fairly quiet there, not too many people and he’s delighted when Baekhyun seems to be enjoying himself by looking at the exhibits and making offhanded comments, but unfortunately, Chanyeol’s too busy wiping his hand on his coat to pay attention to what Baekhyun’s saying because they’re so fucking sweaty.

“Are you okay?” Baekhyun looks at him, eyebrows raised.

“M’fine.” Chanyeol quickly says, and he immediately realizes that he might’ve answered too quickly, so he clears his throat, “I’m fine.” He says again while walking quickly down the hall of the gallery.

“You don’t look fine.” Baekhyun walks in front of him, turning to face him so that he’s now walking backwards.

Chanyeol laughs a little, putting his sweaty hands in his pockets. “Careful, you’re gonna crash into someone if you walk like that.”

“The last time I crashed into someone while walking backwards turned out to be the best fucking thing to ever happen to me, so I’ll take my chances.” Baekhyun smirks at him.

Chanyeol snorts and he thinks, this is it.

There’s no better time to propose than this moment. The ring is already in his grip, hidden inside his right pocket, all he needs to do now is to take a deep breath and take the darn little box out and just take the leap.

But unlike in the movies, he takes one look at Baekhyun’s face and he chickens out.

Why the fuck is this so hard. They’re so obviously in love and Chanyeol is so sure that he wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with Baekhyun so then Why. Is. This. So. Hard.

“Are you sure you're okay?” Baekhyun squints at him, all of the playfulness from his face is now gone and replaced with concern.

Chanyeol sighs “I’m peachy.” He says, and then he ruffles Baekhyun’s hair as he starts walking. Baekhyun proceeds to retaliate by grabbing Chanyeol’s hand out of his hair and he holds onto his hand for a while as they walk until he eventually says, “Why is your hand sweaty?”

Which results in Chanyeol immediately pulling his hand away in embarrassment, and earning a loud laughter from Baekhyun.

He can feel the ring taunting him in his pocket, probably laughing at how pathetic he’s being over all this. Okay, so tonight may not be the night of the _perfect_ proposal Chanyeol’s had in mind, and that’s completely fine. There will be many other opportunities for him to propose, he just needs to splurge a little bit more than he’d expect to set the atmosphere again, or maybe he’ll just take Baekhyun to Everland and propose there.

Unfortunately for Chanyeol, nothing really goes according to his plan.

At the end of a really long work day, Chanyeol’s excited to go home. He’s planned a movie night with Baekhyun, and it’s really just the one thing he needs the most right now. Chanyeol stops by the pastry shop to buy his and Baekhyun’s favorite cookies to munch on while they watch Iron Man for the hundredth time, and he comes home with a big smile on his face.

“I got cookies!” He announces. He kinda judges himself because adults should not be this excited over cookies but they’re delicious and soft and comforting and Chanyeol doesn’t give a flying fuck at this point. The living room is empty, so he looks around for the smaller, and he eventually finds Baekhyun in their room. What he doesn't expect was Baekhyun to be sitting on the floor, next to a pile of tissues.

“Hey, babe why are you crying?” He runs towards Baekhyun. He’s extremely alarmed because Baekhyun rarely ever cries. In the two decades he’s known Baekhyun he’s pretty sure he can count the number of times he’s seen Baekhyun cry with his fingers.

Baekhyun takes one look at Chanyeol’s face and his previously quiet sniffles start to turn into incoherent sobs. “I just got around to reading this--” Chanyeol looks down and sees his old journal.

“Oh.” So that’s why. “That was a long time ago Baek.” Chanyeol had completely forgotten he’d given his old angsty journal to Baekhyun on that night he got drunk. He didn’t think it would have this kind of effect on Baekhyun especially because it had been so long ago, plus it’s so angsty Chanyeol just cringes when he rereads his own writing.

“I was so selfish. I never thought that you'd-- oh my god, Chanyeol I'm so sorry--” Baekhyun tries to explain in between hiccups, and Chanyeol tries to calm him by wiping away Baekhyun’s tears as gently as he can.

It's silly of Chanyeol to assume that he’s the only one feeling like he needs to make up for past mistakes.

“Hey it's alright. None of that, Baek c’mon, it’s all in the past.” Chanyeol sits next to Baekhyun and pulls him into a hug, pulling him close and letting Baekhyun rest his head on his chest while he plants a kiss on the crown of Baekhyun’s head.

“I always thought you were the one who left me, but I--I wasn’t there for you so many times Chanyeol, when your dad, yoora, graduation-- I just wish I could’ve been there, if only I wasn’t so--”

“I would’ve pushed you away." They both know it wouldn’t have worked back then, that they needed to go through everything that happened in order to grow and finally end up here. Together.

"But what if I hurt you again?” Baekhyun turns his head upwards to meet Chanyeol’s eyes. “What if you're gonna regret this like you regretted--"

"I never regretted anything, I said that to hurt you because _I_ was hurt. And I know it'll be different this time."

"How do you know that?"

"Because we're finally honest with each other now. You know how I feel and I know how you feel.” Chanyeol says. No more brushing things under the rug. “We're finally meeting each other halfway."

“God,” Baekhyun finally laughs, and wipes his eyes with his sleeves, “I have so much stuff I have to make up for, I’ll probably spend the rest of my life trying to make up for the things I’ve done.” When Chanyeol smiles back at him, Baekhyun takes that opportunity to close the distance between them and kiss Chanyeol silly.

He’s not entirely too sure what made him do it, but he pushes Baekhyun away, causing him to pout clearly upset that Chanyeol decides to pull away so quickly. “Why aren't you letting me kiss you?"

Chanyeol puts a palm over Baekhyun’s mouth to stop him, “You’ll have plenty of time to do that. Trust me.” He then takes out the box he’s been carrying around out of his pocket. He looks calm on the outside, but _boy_ is he screeching at the top of his lungs on the inside.

“You and I both will have plenty of time to make up for everything we’ve lost and missed because I want us to have forever.” Chanyeol says and shifts a bit to kneel right in front of Baekhyun, who’s still sitting there with his eyes wide and mouth slightly agape.

The whole thing is so far from what Chanyeol had originally planned, but something in him just knows that there’s no better time to do this than right now, in this moment; in the freaking floor of their bedroom, with Baekhyun in his sweatpants, in a hoodie that Chanyeol’s sure belongs to him and his eyes swollen, and Chanyeol in a crumpled up dress shirt, who probably looks like shit after work, is the moment he’s been waiting for.

And he takes a deep breath.

“I know we’ve had to go through a lot of things to finally end up here,” Chanyeol says. “But I need you to know that I never regretted any of it, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, if you’ll have me.”

Baekhyun doesn't respond for a few seconds, his small droopy eyes only darting back and forth from Chanyeol's face to the ring and then back to Chanyeol's face. The realization of what's happening only seem to reach Baekhyun when his eyes starts to slowly widen, but he doesn't answer. His heart beats faster with every second that goes by, he’s about to nudge Baekhyun to at least say something because he’s probably bright red by now and is slightly and slowly becoming mortified by the possibility of Baekhyun saying no to his proposal, but then Baekhyun nods his head frantically as he holds out his hand, those beautiful slender hands of his.

Chanyeol lets out a relief sigh and laughs. With trembling hands he slides the ring onto Baekhyun’s finger, and he stares at it for a moment marvelling at how gorgeous it looks on him. But then he looks at Baekhyun, who’s breathing heavily, eyes filled with tears, and he thinks that he’s never seen a more beautiful sight than this. So with a big smile on his face, Chanyeol wipes away Baekhyun’s tears once more only to realize that his cheeks are now wet too. Baekhyun laughs at the sight and tries to mimic Chanyeol by wiping his cheeks with the sleeves of his hoodie before he leans in, he sighs into the kiss and Chanyeol can feel him smile, because things are finally, _finally,_ falling into place.

_Take a deep breath and tell them how you’ve waited for this moment your entire life._

The wedding was nowhere near as extravagant as Chanyeol’s previous one was, this time the guest list is smaller, only inviting their closest friends and family, and this time, they’ve also chosen an outdoor venue. Baekhyun insists that they have their wedding outside because this time, it’s spring and they’re getting married as cherry blossoms bloom all around them.

Overall, there hadn’t been too much chaos at their wedding, well except for that one moment when Chanyeol’s right shoe decided to rip and they had to super glue it back together, but other than that, everything is going as planned.

Okay maybe not everything, because now Chanyeol can’t seem to tie his own damn tie, he’s been standing in front of his mirror for the past ten minutes and he’s still unable to figure out how to make a bow tie. His mother, probably frustrated at her son’s futile attempts on making a bow tie, steps in and does it for him.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy.” She says, eyes still focused on his tie.

“Yeah?”

She nods. “But I suppose this is different, you were always the happiest when you’re with Baekhyun.”

His family were thrilled when he and Baekhyun announced that they were dating, his sister being the most excited out of all of them. Even boasting about how she was right, they did find their way back. When they announced that they were getting married, they were met with a lot of hugs and happy tears from Chanyeol’s mother and even his dad who hugs Baekhyun so tightly and gives them his blessing.

And Chanyeol can’t help but smile at his mom. “I guess I am.”

“It reminds me of that day you came back home from the park, you couldn’t stop talking about your new friend and how you’ve always wanted a friend like him.” His mom says, finally done tying his tie and shifts her focus to straightening the front of Chanyeol’s suit. “You’ve waited so long for him, and the fact that you both are finally getting married--”

Chanyeol panics a bit when his mom starts tearing up, but he supposes it’s only natural for a parent to cry at their son’s wedding. “Don't cry.” Chanyeol smiles at her, and hands her a handkerchief. “I’m happy, and I’m so glad that you, dad, and noona are all here with me.”

“You’re right. I shouldn’t be crying now, I have to save my tears for later.” His mom jokes. “I should go find your dad, he’s probably also having trouble with his tie.”

Once his mother leaves the room, Chanyeol takes another look at himself in the mirror and he smiles. If only he could tell his younger self that everything’s gonna be alright, how everything will eventually fall into place, that he does end up here, about to marry the same boy he’s loved for so long, and that all of his family and friends are here to celebrate with him. But none of that matters, it doesn’t matter how long and how harrowing the path that he had to take had been, it doesn’t matter because he ended up exactly where he’s supposed to be.

While he waits to be called outside and to walk down the aisle, he finds an empty room and he paces back and forth in said room for a good ten minutes. He’s got to get a grip because he’s going to get married in literally a couple of minutes but at the same time he still thinks all of this is a dream.

Getting married to Baekhyhun feels like a dream.

But then he hears footsteps and he looks up, this time, it really isn’t a dream. Because Baekhyun is right there, in front of him, dressed in white and looking just as nervous as he is. Okay, now he’s a bit more freaked out because isn’t it bad luck to see each other before the wedding? He instantly brushes the thought away because he and Baekhyun went through hell together already, it’s gonna take a lot more than bad luck to tear them apart.

And he honestly doesn’t even have the time to think about bad luck because Baekhyun looks breathtaking in his suit, his hair styled up, making his forehead a little visible and Chanyeol wants to cry at the sight. But he won’t. He won’t fucking cry, at least not now.

“Hi.” Baekhyun says with a small smile.

“Hey.” Chanyeol chuckles.

“Came here to gather your thoughts?” Baekhyun laughs with him.

“Yeah.”

“Overwhelmed?”

“Very.” Chanyeol nods twice.

“Me too.” Baekhyun laughs a little. Well it’s great to hear that he’s not the only one internally freaking out. “So, you’re finally getting married in Spring huh?” He continues.

Chanyeol snorts. “I guess so.”

“Is it like you’ve always imagined it to be?” Baekhyun takes a few steps closer towards him.

“No,” Chanyeol says, “It’s so much better than what I could’ve ever imagined it to be.” He says as he takes Baekhyun’s hands in his own, brings it to his face and plants a kiss on both of his hands.

“I love you so much.” Baekhyun says, eyes already teary.

“Hey you’re not gonna cry before me are you? I’m supposed to be the cry baby here.” Chanyeol says but also tears up as soon as he opens his mouth.

“You’re crying too, loser.” Baekhyun laughs, wiping his eyes. “Yeol, you’re happy right? I just need to know that you’re happy.”

“Baek, c’mon what kind of question is that? Of course I’m--” Chanyeol gets cut off when he hears someone calling his name. He looks at Baekhyun again and smiles softly at him, “I love you, and I’ll see you out there, okay?” He says before he walks out.

As soon as he walks down the aisle, he’s glad that they’ve decided to keep the guest list very small, just their close family and friends. He’s glad that he’s celebrating this moment only with the people that he knows accepts them for who they are, but then he’s reminded of one thing that still hurts his heart when he thinks about it.

He’s sad that Baekhyun is still estranged with his mother and that she’ll miss her own son’s wedding, but he should know better than anyone that sometimes it takes a long time for people to change their minds, it takes a really long time for people to grow, and while some people can eventually accept them for who they are, like his dad did, sometimes, it just doesn’t happen. And all they can do is wait, and hope that one day, she does eventually come around and see that Baekhyun is still the son who loves her unconditionally.

“Nervous?” Jongdae whispers to him as they stand at the altar, waiting for Baekhyun’s entrance.

“Not really. Maybe just a little.” Chanyeol lies. He’s very nervous, and currently there's nothing he can fidget with in his hands, so he digs his nails into his palms over and over in hopes that he’ll calm down. Chanyeol looks around the crowd and is slightly comforted by the familiar faces looking back at him--Minseok is there, giving him a two thumbs up, Kyungsoo is also there sitting next to Jongin and Sehun who are already grinning to themselves probably amused at how nervous Chanyeol looks, and Junmyeon sits behind them, already holding a handkerchief in his hands as if he knows he’s about to burst into tears at any moment. He also spots Yixing right next to Junmyeon glancing at the back every so often, so that he doesn’t miss the moment Baekhyun walks down the aisle.

“Don’t be,” Jongdae smiles at him. “This is Baekhyun we’re talking about. Your bestest best friend in the whole world.”

His heart leaps out his chest when he sees Baekhyun finally making his appearance. He’s accompanied by none other than Chanyeol’s dad, and Chanyeol has to bite down on his own lips to stop himself from crying.

His dad had insisted that he’d walk Baekhyun down the aisle, because he couldn’t bear the thought of Baekhyun not having a parental figure being there for him on the happiest day of his life. Funnily enough, it was Chanyeol who cried at the request instead of Baekhyun, because right then and there, he finally felt fully accepted by his dad, no not just accepted, but he felt loved.

Chanyeol feels like he’s in a daze, and finds himself unable to look at anything other than the gorgeous man standing in front of him, because despite this is his second time seeing Baekhyun in his suit, he still thinks he’s never seen anyone more beautiful and breathtaking in his entire life.

“Do you Byun Baekhyun, take Park Chanyeol as your lawfully wedded husband, do you promise to love him, honor and keep him in sickness and health and forsaking all others keep only unto him so long as you both shall live?”

Baekhyun breaks into the big loving smile, a smile that’s all too familiar for Chanyeol, because it’s a smile reserved only for him. “I do.” He says with a playful grin on his face. He hears a faint sob from the audience and he thinks it’s probably Junmyeon.

“And do you Park Chanyeol, take Byun Baekhyun as your lawfully wedded husband--”

_Tell them that despite how you’ve both taken the long way round, you’ve managed to finally find your way back to each other._

Chanyeol can’t help but smile back at Baekhyun. It took them over two decades to finally be here and it's been a long and winding road, but they’ve ended up exactly where they’re supposed to be.

So maybe, they are meant to be after all.

“--do you promise to love him, honor and keep him in sickness and health and forsaking all others keep only unto him so long as you both shall live?”

_Take a deep breath, and show him that, right now in this moment, you’re the happiest you’ve ever been._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the official ending of the story! :)
> 
> the next chapter is going to be a bonus chapter and a small thank you from me to all of you (also to make up for all of the shit i've put you through lol)
> 
> yell at me on twitter if you want - @kawnashi


	4. Bonus: New York, New York

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! haha so this chapter wasn't supposed to happen mostly because I was satisfied with how I ended things in chapter three, but I decided to write this as a small token of gratitude for all of you who gave this fic a chance. this chapter isn't really anything special, just moments that I had in my head that I never got the chance to put in the actual fic and it's a bit of a mess, but hopefully you'll still find it enjoyable to read :) i think it gives a little bit more closure. some parts of the chapter is inspired by the song Moon River by Andy Williams.

_ Two drifters, off to see the world _

_ There’s such a lot of world to see _

_ We’re after the same rainbow’s end, waitin’ ‘round the bend _

_ My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me _

It’s funny how a city that he’s only been to once can mean so much to him. He can probably say that it was one of those  _ falling in love with a city you’ve never been to _ moments. He'd seen so much of it in movies, in pictures, and even in songs; the big apple, the city that never sleeps. So many things had happened since the first time he'd thought of going there, so many things changed.

And when he arrived, he somehow ended up making one of the biggest decisions of his life.

Of course, at the time he didn’t know it. And even until now, he sometimes finds himself wishing that he made different choices, it’s just one of those thoughts that hits him during the most random parts of the day. But he knew better, he knew that the things that happened, and all of the choices he made, happened for a reason.

It took so long for him to understand that things that are meant to be, will always be. No matter how far, no matter how painful the journey was, if it was meant to be, then he’ll end up exactly where he’s supposed to be. There’s just something about the city’s skyline being sprawled right below him that takes his breath away. It looks almost magical how the neon lights of the city glimmer below him, even at this hour, and he’s starting to understand why it’s called the city that never sleeps.

He’s been here before. He’s seen the same scenery but something is different this time around.

But wait, he's getting a bit too ahead of himself. 

Let's go back a little bit.

Let's go back to the moment where he took a deep breath and finally said  _ I do _ to the love of his life.

That day was everything that he'd ever dreamed of, everything that he'd always imagined, heck, it was so much more than he could have imagined.

It's funny because this is the second time he had been in this position, listening to one of his best friends giving a heartwarming speech about him and his now husband. Of course this time, it's not Baekhyun who's giving the speech but Jongdae instead.

He couldn't help but to let out a loud snort at how Jongdae started his damn speech. It went a little something like this;

"Howdy ho, my name is Jongdae and I've had the privilege of attending two of Chanyeol's weddings in this lifetime, but this time, I'm gonna be the one giving the speech because, you know, he decided to marry the best man from his first wedding."

And he turns to look at Baekhyun, his now husband, sitting next to him, smiling and being fully engrossed in Jongdae's speech.

"I still can't believe that it took these two idiots more than two decades to get here when we always knew that they belonged together. It's almost a crime that it took them this long." Jongdae continues, earning a number of chuckles from the crowd. Chanyeol even notices Kyungsoo nodding in agreement from where he was sitting.

"I don’t know if you know this story, but when I first met Chanyeol, he didn’t like me. Now can anyone guess here why he disliked me even though we barely knew each other? It wasn’t because I was loud and annoying,”

Chanyeol internally cringes at the memory but he smiles anyway when he hears Baekhyun laugh. He still can’t believe that his fourteen year old self was  _ jealous  _ of Jongdae, and looking back now, he can’t imagine his life without his loudmouth of a best friend, so he's glad he got over that quickly.

“But it was because Chanyeol actually thought Baekhyun was replacing him with me. And that’s when I realized two things; one, Chanyeol’s an idiot, and two, he and Baekhyun were inseparable. They were always going to be each other’s bestest best friend.” Jongdae continues with a soft smile on his face.

“They made each other laugh the loudest, smile the biggest, and most importantly, they make each other the happiest. To this day, my only regret was not being able to fully be there for the both of you, but what matters most is that you guys are finally together. Despite all odds, you somehow will always find your way back to each other.” Jongdae turns to look at him and Baekhyun.

“If that’s not a love that’s meant to be, then I don’t know what is.” He raises his glass, “To the two idiots in love.”

Chanyeol may or may not have teared up at the end of Jongdae’s speech.

To say that Chanyeol is nervous for their first dance as an official married couple would be an understatement. He's just not made for it, sure he's danced here and there but it's mostly him goofing off. But a real couple's dance? He's pretty sure he's too uncoordinated and his legs are too long.

It was the same gut wrenching feeling he felt at his first wedding too, but this time, the nervous churning in his stomach instantly disappeared the moment he looked at Baekhyun.

He really can't even find it in him to be nervous when he's now too mesmerized by how breathtaking Baekhyun looks in this light to even think about dancing. He's glad that they'd set up fairy lights all over the garden, he loves the way the light bounces on Baekhyun's skin.

“This feels familiar.” Baekhyun says to him as he takes Chanyeol’s hand in his own, leading him towards the center of the floor. “Pretty sure we’ve done this before.”

Chanyeol chuckles at the comment. He’s sure that Baekhyun is talking about their dance at his first wedding, and he can’t help but remember being surprised at himself for having the courage to ask Baekhyun to dance. He didn’t know what made him do it, but something in him knew that he wanted to hold Baekhyun’s hand, hold him close, and dance with him for the last time. He could tell that Baekhyun was ready to let him go the moment he started his speech, but Chanyeol should’ve realized sooner that he was the one who never wanted to let go.

“Yeah but it wasn’t spring back then.” Chanyeol smiles cheekily at his husband.

Funny how they can now talk and even joke about the things that used to be so painful for the both of them. Funny how everything that used to be tinged in black and white are now once again, feels like it's been dipped in all seven colors of the rainbow.

They danced to the music of Andy Williams’ Moon River, it’s a song both he and Baekhyun thought was perfect for their wedding. It is after all a song that talks about looking into the past and future simultaneously, not that they fully understood the meaning behind the old song, but it’s still a nice and fitting tune for their wedding. Plus they both secretly loved to watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s from time to time, a guilty pleasure for the both of them.

“What does  _ my huckleberry friend _ even mean?” Chanyeol chuckles when he hears the lyrics.

“Not too sure, I googled it and it says that it’s a nineteenth century expression that means ‘my perfect friend’ or a very special friend or something.” Baekhyun shrugs.

And Chanyeol decides that he likes that meaning.

After their dance and the music changes into something a little more upbeat, Chanyeol of course had to dance with Jongin because it wouldn’t be a wedding without Jongin trying to break Chanyeol’s legs. And after twenty minutes of ridiculous shenanigans that he’s sure he’ll regret later, Chanyeol takes a seat next to Kyungsoo.

“Not in the mood to dance?”

“Do I look like someone who can dance?” Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow at him.

“Well, Jongin says everyone can dance if they want to.”

“Jongin forgets that not everyone is as gifted as he is.” Kyungsoo takes a sip of his champagne.

Chanyeol laughs and looks at Jongin who’s now goofing around with Sehun, doing weird dance moves (If you could even call them dance moves), it’s more like they’re flailing around their arms to the beat of the music and giggling nonstop. Surprisingly, they’re not even drunk yet.

“I’m really proud of you.” Kyungsoo says all of a sudden.

“What?” Chanyeol looks at him, eyebrows raised in surprise.

“I dunno. It’s just,” He pauses, “You’ve come a really long way since we first met. Both you and Baekhyun.”

Chanyeol blinks in surprise, while he knows Kyungsoo treasures them dearly, it’s not often that he says extremely heartfelt words like this. Well, at least not to his face. “It’s been over ten years.”

“Yeah, but I don’t think you both realize how much you had to overcome to finally get to where you are now. Not just with each other, but other things too.” Kyungsoo continues.

Kyungsoo has a point, when he and Kyungsoo met, Chanyeol wasn't even sure of his sexuality. He didn't even know that Baekhyun had feelings for him. They were just kids, with no money, no savings and no apartment. They were absolutely clueless.

And now he has an apartment, a car, a dog, a steady job, a husband. Although still slightly clueless about how the world works but nonetheless, they really have grown up in more ways than one.

“A lot of it was because of you too.” Chanyeol smiles at him. “Really, I don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t approach me that day. A lot of things could’ve turned out differently.”

Kyungsoo was after all the first person he trusted with who he really is, the first person to simply accept him for him. It’s crazy how the boy he sat next to in cram school is still here, sitting next to him at his wedding almost a decade later. Chanyeol can’t help but think that of all of the people he’s known over the years, he’s glad that Kyungsoo remained a constant in his life.

Not just Kyungsoo, but all of them. Jongin, Sehun, Yixing, Junmyeon, Minseok, he really can’t imagine life without his friends. A lot of people come and go, and while he understands why some people will eventually leave you when you outgrow each other, he’s glad that his friends are still here for the long run; all of them seemingly growing at the same frequency, and he hopes it'll stay like that for a long long time.

Chanyeol then spots his dad making his way towards him, Kyungsoo seems to also notice this and stands up to greet him. “Kyungsoo, thank you so much for being here. I know how busy you must be at the hospital.” His dad says.

“It’s no problem, I wouldn’t miss this day for the world.” He says smiling and glancing a little at Chanyeol, who in response, grins back.

“Why aren’t you dancing with mom?” Chanyeol asks him, come to think of it he hasn’t seen his mom after his dance.

His dad suddenly laughs, “Seems like your mom’s taken interest into a much younger man tonight.” And Chanyeol frowns at his response, mostly in confusion but the frown disappears as soon as his dad points towards the dance floor and he sees his mom dancing with none other than Baekhyun.

He practically melts on the spot. His heart might as well have turned into goo. He's just filled with so much warmth and glee and judging from Kyungsoo and his dad's face, they know that Chanyeol's never been happier in his whole life.

It’s the perfect night, his family is here, his friends are here, it’s spring and most of all, he’s now married to Baekhyun.

==

Sometimes, when he wakes up in the morning, he still finds himself in disbelief. Baekhyun had moved in with him for almost a year now, and they had been married for almost two months but waking up to Baekhyun’s incredibly loud and obviously on purpose off tune singing in the shower is probably his favorite thing in the world.

They settled into a routine pretty easily; Baekhyun wakes him up with a butchered cover of Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas, and Chanyeol leaps out of bed to make the both of them breakfast. Okay, maybe he doesn’t exactly  _ leap _ out of his bed per se, slowly dragging himself out of bed would be a more accurate description of the start of his morning routine.

Baekhyun sometimes tries to help out around the kitchen but as smart and talented his husband was, he was just one of those people who should never even stand near a kitchen. When Chanyeol playfully shoos him away, Baekhyun usually pouts and grumbles, “I still can’t believe you treat me like a fire hazard when I worked in a diner for most of my teenage years.”

“You didn’t even work in the kitchen, you waited tables.” Chanyeol chuckles. "And that was over ten years ago."

It's really hard to imagine Baekhyun serving tables and taking orders now. It's crazy how far Baekhyun had come and Chanyeol couldn't be more proud of his best friend.

“That’s true, mom would never let me near the kitchen too.” Baekhyun says, opting to sit on top of the counter right next to the stove.

As soon as Chanyeol turns towards him with a frown, Baekhyun seems to already know what he’s going to say. “It’s okay, Yeol. You don’t have to look at me like that.” He playfully jabs Chanyeol’s arm.

Chanyeol lets out a sigh, it makes him sad that Baekhyun is still estranged with his mother. It still upsets him that she’d missed out on Baekhyun’s wedding, even though she said it was her dream to watch his son get married. It still makes him angry that she only loved her son when he’d met certain expectations. And as soon as he doesn’t, she tossed him aside.

He can’t wrap his head around it; how she’d throw away all of Baekhyun’s efforts for the past twenty years so easily. Baekhyun tried so hard to be the perfect son that she’d wanted, to fill in Baekbeom’s shoes after his passing, to become the man of the house, to make her happy, and yet, none of those things seem to matter now that she knows that her son is gay.

“Chanyeol, stop it.” Baekhyun says again with a soft smile. “You’re gonna burn our scrambled eggs.”

“It’s not fair.” Chanyeol grumbles as he turns his attention back to his eggs. “I mean, I guess I should know better than anyone that you can’t change someone’s mind over night.” He sighs. It took his own family over a decade to finally accept him, but still, it hurts him to know that Baekhyun is going to the same thing that he did. It makes it worse because he knows just how crushing it is to be rejected by someone you love so dearly, for simply being who you are.

He knows how relationships with family members -- parents can be toxic and draining just as much as any other relationship out there.

“Then why are you pouting? I mean it’s cute but you don’t have to feel sorry for me.”

“Because I know you miss her, Baek.” Chanyeol says, turning off the stove. “You try to hide it, but I know you miss her, you don’t have to act like it doesn’t bother you. At least you don’t have to act like that around me.” He sighs again and shifts a little so now he's standing directly in front of Baekhyun, "I just want you to know that it’s okay for you to feel sad, you don’t have to keep things bottled up all the time.”

Baekhyun cups his face with both of his hands, “I know. It’s just-- I’m finally so happy, the happiest I’ve ever been, thanks to you,” He smiles, “And I don’t want to be ungrateful or feel like I need more because I really already have everything that I’ve ever wanted.”

“Missing your mom isn’t being ungrateful,” Chanyeol frowns, “Letting yourself feel sad doesn’t mean that you’re not happy with what you have now. It just means that you’re human.”

Baekhyun doesn't respond but he pulls him closer and gives him a small peck. “I really like it when you’re being all wise, it’s really hot.” He leans in again and kisses Chanyeol a little deeper this time. Chanyeol immediately forgets about the breakfast that he’s supposed to be making and kisses Baekhyun back with just as much force.

“I really like where this is going.” He says into Baekhyun’s mouth. Baekhyun spreads his legs as he sits on the counter to make room for Chanyeol, and as soon as Chanyeol sneaks a hand under Baekhyun’s shirt, his goddamn dog barks, making both of them jump and pulling away from each other.

Chanyeol almost glares at his dog for ruining the mood (he swears at this point Toben exists to just solely make his life miserable), but then he spots their newly adopted welsh corgi, Mongryong sitting next to him and all of his anger melts away.

There’s just something about Mongryong that makes Chanyeol soft, it’s almost impossible for him to stay mad or irritated when he looks at their new puppy. Even after a bad day at work, being greeted at the door by Mongryong skyrockets his mood faster than even his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Maybe it’s because Mongryong somehow reminds him of Baekhyun, after all it was his husband who picked him at the shelter. And Jongdae did say that their dogs weirdly resemble both of them, a statement that Chanyeol takes full offense in because he’s  _ nothing  _ like Toben.

Chanyeol looks back at Baekhyun, still slightly hopeful to get back to where they had just left off but then Baekhyun jumps off the counter. “Not in front of the kids.”

Chanyeol rolls his eyes in response but smiles nonetheless. He supposes that it's for the best, neither him nor Baekhyun want to relive that horrifying moment where he had to stop mid thrust when he realizes that the dogs had entered their bedroom.

Other than the occasional banter and petty fights about giving their house plants too much water, living the married life has been pretty darn amazing for Chanyeol.

For the most part it feels oddly the same as before, like he's just living with his loud best friend who screams at his computer at midnight when he gets a headshot. Only this time he gets all warm and fuzzy every time he realizes that this was gonna be his life from now on.

It feels like he just pressed start on a video game and he's about to go on an adventure that will last him a lifetime, a forever, and then he realizes that this time, he'll go on this adventure with a second player by his side, and it makes him feel like he can take on the world.

==

When Chanyeol says things never goes as planned, he fucking means it. It’s always been that way and he’s come to a realization that it’s sometimes for the best.

But today, he’s sure that he’s just being a complete moron. Groaning and hitting his own head on the steering wheel of his car, he reluctantly makes a u-turn to drive back to his apartment because of course he’d forgotten his passport on the day he and Baekhyun were supposed to get on a fourteen hour flight.

It also doesn’t help that his best friend teases him incessantly about how he’d not only almost sprayed deodorant on his fucking face while he got ready that morning, and then accidentally crushing the cupcake that he was supposed to eat at the airport for breakfast in his bag and now he’s left both of their passports on the kitchen counter.

He half expects Baekhyun to yell at him or at least be annoyed that now they will probably have to run to their boarding gate if they don’t wanna miss their flight, Chanyeol even insists that Baekhyun should just wait in the car while he sprints up the apartment to get their passports (since he has longer legs and all). But to his surprise Baekhyun just...laughs at him. Smiling and chuckling fondly as he sees Chanyeol hits his head on the ceiling of their car.

When they do eventually make it to the airport, they are both out of breath from all of the sprinting they just did, they’ve successfully made it to the gate he slumps down onto the nearest chair while he waits for them to be boarded on the plane. Baekhyun sits down next to him, still trying to catch his breath but there’s a hint of rigidness on the way he sits.

“You okay?” Chanyeol asks, sitting up a little straighter to get a better look of Baekhyun’s face.

“Yeah, just a little winded I guess.” He says, with a smile. Chanyeol knows it’s a bit of a forced smile because it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I’ll be right back.” Chanyeol stands up. He knows what’s going on with Baekhyun, he doesn’t talk about it very often but he knows Baekhyun is a nervous flyer. He supposes it wasn’t always like this, but it’s understandable that Baekhyun would have a bit of trouble getting on a plane after what happened to his brother. It’s nothing too severe, but long flights are especially hard for him. It was also probably one of the reasons why he never really visited home when he was still living in Germany.

Chanyeol walks over to one of the crew standing near the boarding gate and informs them of Baekhyun’s condition just to be safe. If Baekhyun has to step into a plane for fourteen hours then he’ll make sure that he'll be as comfortable as he can be. He also didn’t really mention to Baekhyun that he spent a little extra on their plane tickets so that he’ll be more at ease when sitting at the front of the plane.

Although, Baekhyun seems to realize as soon as he realizes their seats are at the very front. He doesn’t really say anything but he does flash Chanyeol a small familiar and loving smile and leans on his shoulder when they’re finally seated.

“You didn’t have to do all this for me.” He finally says as the flight safety video starts rolling in front of them.

Chanyeol smiles and shrugs. “I have earplugs too, you know, just in case you need them.”

Baekhyun blinks at him before he pecks Chanyeol on the cheek, and rests his head on Chanyeol’s shoulder again as the plane prepares for take off. And thankfully, other than the fact that it was  _ fourteen  _ hours long, the flight was more or less, bearable.

Chanyeol could catch moments where Baekhyun was extra nervous and he’s happy that he was able to hold his best friend’s hand when he needed to. Giving it a slight squeeze of reassurance that they were okay, that things are okay, and that he wasn’t alone.

They spent those fourteen hours mostly watching movies back to back, shoving down as much airplane food that they can and listening to music until they fall asleep. And when they finally landed in JFK they both pretty much felt dead inside. As excited as the both of them were, spending fourteen hours on a plane literally sucks the living soul out of a person.

Chanyeol just wants to hop on a car and get to his hotel as soon as possible so he could get some proper sleep before he does anything else. He orders an uber and after another grueling fifteen minutes of waiting, they finally got a car to take them to the hotel.

In the car, Chanyeol can’t help but notice how Baekhyun almost vibrates in his seat with excitement as he looks out the window, admiring the sky high buildings and the twinkling lights of the city. He knows exactly how it feels, he had the same reaction when he first visited New York City a few years ago. He can’t wait to show Baekhyun all of the sights he saw then, the places and moments that he wishes he could share with Baekhyun.

After crashing into the hotel bed and sleeping for a solid eleven hours, he and Baekhyun are finally ready to start exploring the city. They decided to start small first, walking down the street where their hotel was located and since it was still pretty early in the morning, they decided to grab coffee at the nearest Starbucks.

The one thing that he hates doing in a foreign country is giving people his name. There was just very little chance of them pronouncing it correctly, let alone spelling it the right way and it always ends up being awkward for him and the barista. As he prepares himself to repeat his name at least five times, he is cut off by Baekhyun who answers “Chan.” to the barista.

Chanyeol blinks at him and Baekhyun shrugs. “It’s much faster. Chan is easier to pronounce.”

“Wow,” Chanyeol gapes, impressed, “I’m annoyed that I never thought of that. Would’ve saved me from so many awkward moments.”

“Yeah well, I only thought of it after realizing I was torturing poor German baristas by making them write  _ Baekhyun _ every morning.”

Chanyeol chuckles as he grabs both of their drinks. And yes, they both ordered iced americanos, however, when Chanyeol takes a sip, he’s surprised how watery it tastes compared to what he’s used to having. Just as he’s about to ask Baekhyun about his drink, he sees his best friend with a look of disgust on his face.

“This tastes like medicine.” Baekhyun says, a frown embedded on his face. “I think this is yours, you asked for a double shot right?”

“Oh yeah, must’ve gotten them mixed up.” Chanyeol chuckles at Baekhyun’s expression. “Mine tastes a bit watery.”

“Stop laughing at me, asshole.” Baekhyun nudges him playfully. “I still can’t believe you like drinking this.”

“You think it’s hot.” Chanyeol says with a smug grin on his face. He knows for a fact that Baekhyun finds it attractive that Chanyeol likes his coffee dark and bitter. And the smaller confirms it when he rolls his eyes and walks away from him.

“Hey where are you going? We’re supposed to be heading the other way!” Chanyeol laughs and chases after him.

Now, being the one who’s already been to the city, Chanyeol takes on the role of the navigator. Baekhyun as always just happily follows after him, only making comments when he thinks they’re truly lost. Or when he’s sure that they’ve been going around in circles for the past thirty minutes.

“Can’t we eat something else?” Baekhyun asks.

“No-- Baek, I promise you this pizza is going to be the best pizza of your life.”

“You said the exact same thing about the pizza place near SNU--”

“This one’s life changing, trust me.” Chanyeol feels like it’s his life mission to show Baekhyun the pizza place that he went to years ago. Even then he couldn’t stop thinking about just how much Baekhyun would love the hawaiian pizza there, and just the overall atmosphere of the hidden joint. That’s the problem though, it’s  _ hidden _ . He can only hope that it hasn’t shut down over the years.

The area is familiar, and he tries his hardest to make use of his big eyes to scan every single building of this neighborhood because he knows they’re close, he can feel it in his bones. He hears Baekhyun sighing again, obviously losing his patience and is probably starting to get irritated of being denied food, when Chanyeol spots a familiar looking sign.

“There! It’s over there!” He excitedly says. He grabs Baekhyun’s wrist and pulls him straight into the pizza place, absolutely thrilled that the place was exactly the same as it had been four years ago.

The noise that Baekhyun makes when he finally gets a taste of their hawaiian pizza makes Chanyeol snort mid drink. He laughs giddily despite the burning sensation in his throat from almost choking on his soda.

“Okay, you win. This is the best pizza I’ve ever had.” Baekhyun laughs with him.

“I told you so.” Chanyeol grins. “I’m really glad I finally came here with you.”

“To the pizza place?” 

“Yeah. Even back then I wanted to share this with you.” The Pizza place, New York City, who knows. He just wants to share every moment of his life with Baekhyun. “I already have a list of places I know you’d love.” He almost bounces in his seat from excitement.

“We have to go the Museum of Modern Art, and then Brooklyn Bridge, and maybe we could grab some bagels, the last time I was here Jooheon recommended me this really--” He rambles but then he stops when he notices the smile on Baekhyun’s face falter a little. It didn’t turn into a frown but you could tell there that it wasn’t as bright as it had been a few seconds ago.

Only then Chanyeol realizes his slip up. He and Baekhyun had made peace about what happened, and about Chanyeol’s previous husband, but maybe bringing up his name in a city where they'd started dating wasn’t the best move.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” He trails off, almost slamming his head on the table for bringing up his  _ ex-husband  _ in front of his current one. “Mouth faster than brain.” He tries to joke, playfully hitting his head.

“It’s okay.” Baekhyun shrugs. And to Chanyeol’s surprise, Baekhyun changes the topic almost immediately, and Chanyeol almost believes that it truly didn’t bother Baekhyun very much until Chanyeol does eventually suggest that they buy some bagels.

Baekhyun starts to look uncomfortable on the subway ride there and doesn’t really smile much nor does he respond to what Chanyeol was saying aside from a few nods. When they do eventually get around to buying the bagel Baekhyun doesn’t say much other than “It’s good.” while purposely trying to avoid Chanyeol’s eyes.

“Okay, what’s going on?” Chanyeol says, softly grabbing Baekhyun’s arm, making him face Chanyeol. He notices that even then, Baekhyun doesn’t quite look at him. “Are you tired? Do you wanna go back to the hotel?”

“No, it’s not that,” Baekhyun groans, he then lets out a sigh, resolve finally crumbling, “It’s gonna sound so stupid, you’re gonna think it’s stupid.”

“No I won’t.” Chanyeol argues.

“You don’t even know what I’m going to say.”

“If it’s bothering you this much then it’s not stupid. C’mon tell me,” Chanyeol encourages him, “Was it something I did?”

“No, not exactly.” Baekhyun starts, bringing a hand to scratch the back of his neck. It’s only then that Chanyeol realizes that Baekhyun’s embarrassed to admit to what’s really bothering him.

“I won’t laugh at you, nor will I use it against you in the future. Even when I’m in the mood to tease you mercilessly.” Chanyeol says, holding up his pinky and Baekhyun eyes his hand before he looks at Chanyeol’s face.

“What are you? Twelve?” He jokes but he takes Chanyeol’s pinky with his own anyway. “Alright fine, I’ll tell you. Since we pinky promised and all.” He rolls his eyes.

“It’s just I don’t like the fact that we’re visiting places that you and Jooheon-- you know, where you guys bonded and stuff.” Baekhyun admits, eyes immediately looking everywhere but at Chanyeol. “I know it’s stupid but I don’t like seeing the places where you developed feelings for him, so can we skip the places you and him went to?”

Chanyeol blinks several times, trying to make sense of what Baekhyun just said. He can understand where his husband’s coming from, and he kinda wants to kick himself for not thinking of this and how Baekhyun might have felt about visiting the same places he and Jooheon visited four years ago. He really should’ve kept his stupid mouth shut when they were eating.

“I guess we can,” Chanyeol says, “But you’d be missing out on so many things… Times Square, Central Park, Broadway, even the Empire State Building…” Chanyeol trails off, “Are you sure you don’t wanna go? I mean it’s fine with me--”

Baekhyun sighs, Chanyeol knows he’s extra irritated now because he knows just how excited Baekhyun was to finally be able to visit the Empire State Building. “No, we have to go there, it’s just-- I dunno, I’m scared that--” Baekhyun doesn’t finish his sentence.

Chanyeol frowns in response, “Scared that…?”

“I’m scared that if you visit those places that you’d be reminded of how you fell for Jooheon so quickly, I mean I know we went over this already, but he wasn’t just some random hook up, Yeol. You married him, what if we go there and you’ll--”

“Be reminded of what made me fall for him so quickly while I was here?” Chanyeol finishes for him, and Baekhyun nods but he doesn’t look at Chanyeol. He instead looks at his feet, head lowered, almost like he’s ashamed to admit what’s really bothering him.

“I’m sorry.” Baekhyun says. “It’s stupid, and now that you said it out loud it sounds even more stupid, I was just annoyed at how good this bagel is and-- I’m sorry. I trust you, fully. I do. It’s just it bothers me, I guess.”

“Baek, don’t say sorry. I should be the one apologizing for being insensitive about this whole thing, I--” Chanyeol starts, “I just never thought it mattered anymore. I mean, sure I have memories of him and I there, but that’s just what they are, old memories.”

“I’m not here to relive old memories, Baek,” He brings a hand to Baekhyun’s chin, tilting it upwards so Baekhyun can look at him in the eye when he says, “I’m here to make new ones with you. New memories that I’d look back on when we’re old, wrinkly and ugly.”

“I don’t think it’s possible for you to be ugly.” Baekhyun mumbles, with a shy smile on his face.

“Besides, I think you’re forgetting the fact that Jooheon is in a serious relationship now?” Chanyeol reminds him. It wasn’t long after he and Baekhyun got married that he received an email from Jooheon, congratulating him. It was a nice email, it talks about how he’d moved from New York City to LA with his new boyfriend Changkyun, and that they’ve adopted a cat together, it ended with him wishing Baekhyun and Chanyeol well.

“You’re right. I completely forgot about that, the email and everything.” Baekhyun chuckles, “God, I’m such an idiot. I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol practically tackles him into a hug, “No, you were being so honest and cute about being jealous--”

“I wasn’t jealous.” Baekhyun denies and he tries to weakly push Chanyeol away in retaliation. 

Chanyeol kisses the crown of his head instead, “Uh-huh, sure you weren’t.”

They ended up visiting all of the places on Chanyeol’s list over the course of the week, they went to take photos on the Brooklyn Bridge, looking like complete idiots when Chanyeol insists that he wants to take a photo of Baekhyun from a certain angle. And that is how Chanyeol ended up squatting awkwardly to get both Baekhyun and the bridge in one frame from a lower angle, earning weird glances from random strangers around them.

They managed to catch a show on Broadway which results in Baekhyun singing showtunes non stop for the remainder of the trip, and is especially loud when he’s in the shower. Chanyeol can’t say he hates it, it’s at least an upgrade from Mariah Carey and the occasional Girls’ Generation.

They even went to a dine-in cinema in Williamsburg, an experience that Chanyeol’s very fond of because the cinema usually screens newly released indie films that he doesn’t get to see back in South Korea. They of course visited Times Square and went in and out of shops to buy souvenirs for their friends and family back home.

Jongdae, being the travel vlogger that he is, strongly suggested that he and Baekhyun visited Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre -- an improv theatre that entertained the both of them to no end. Even after the show he and Baekhyun couldn’t help but recite the hilarious lines they heard during the shows, laughing loudly on the sidewalks and earning a couple of stares from strangers. But Chanyeol couldn’t really find it in him to care when he and Baekhyun are having the time of their lives.

For a brief moment they did consider exploring New York City’s nightlife, but for the time being, both of them found the prospect of a stroll in Central Park much more appealing than bar hopping or visiting a nightclub. So they did just that, they walked through the park, talking about the most unimportant things in life and holding hands all throughout their walk, fed the ducks at the pond and taking obnoxiously cute selfies and sending them to their friends to annoy them.

(Seriously the only one to actually coo at their photos in the group chat is Junmyeon)

But Chanyeol’s favorite new memory has to be the moment he shares with Baekhyun on top of the Empire State Building. It’s quite late into the evening, so there weren’t a lot of people around them, each visitor spread out far enough for them to still feel like they have a decent amount of privacy.

The view below him is breathtaking, and he could tell that Baekhyun’s a little breathless too as he takes in the view of New York City at night. It’s truly a sight that you’ve never seen before, but of course, Chanyeol’s seen this.

He’s been here before. He’s seen the same scenery but something is different this time around.

This time, he’s here with Baekhyun.

After everything that they went through, he finally gets to share this moment with the love of his life. He chuckles a little, if only he could tell their fourteen year old selves that almost sixteen years later, that they’d make it here. To New York. To the city that they’ve always dreamed of.

It seemed so impossible back then, like it was nothing more than a pipe dream. It felt even more like a useless dream when they’d split up, eventually using the money for other things. But it’s funny how life works, because here we are. Here they are. Standing on top of the Empire State Building, happily married with two dogs.

The best part of it all is that this oddly feels like the beginning, they’ve had to go through such a long road to get here, but it never feels like the end. This feels like the beginning of a new exciting chapter.

They’ve seen New York but there’s so much of the world that they haven’t seen, and the thought of going to so many places, sharing so many tender moments with Baekhyun makes Chanyeol so happy to the point that he might just start crying.

“I love you so much.” Chanyeol blurts out. He’s not sure why he’s said it so suddenly, probably because he’s suddenly overwhelmed by his own thoughts.

Baekhyun turns to him, a little surprised, but he smiles nonetheless. “I love you too,” he brings both hands to Chanyeol’s face and cups his face, pulling him closer, “More than you know.” He says before kissing Chanyeol softly.

“You know, I was just thinking,” Baekhyun starts again after he pulls away, “I honestly never thought that this would ever happen.”

“Funny. I was thinking the exact same thing.” Chanyeol laughs. “We went through so much.” It truly felt like the universe was so against them, always ripping them away from each other. But now that they look back, it was never really like that was it?

Two people can only bump into each other in a Starbucks so many times to call it a coincidence.

Baekhyun nods, now taking Chanyeol’s hands in his own. “Sometimes I feel like a story like ours is more suited for sadder endings, but I’m glad we got our happy ending at least.”

“A happy ending?”

Baekhyun nods, “Doesn’t it feel like a happy ending to you?”

“No. It feels like the start of a new chapter more than an ending.” Chanyeol smiles cheekily at him.

Baekhyun grins at him, “You’re right, I don’t want an ending with you. God, listen to me, this is so cheesy it’s painful,” He laughs in embarrassment, but then he continues, “But it’s the truth. I don’t want us to ever end.”

“Then you have nothing to worry about.” He kisses the tip of Baekhyun’s nose, “Before we got married, you asked me if I was happy, well, I hope it’s clear to you now that I’m happy. You make me the happiest.”

“The happiest you’ve ever been?”

It’s hard for Chanyeol to not be the happiest he’s ever been when there’s so many things to look forward to, when there’s a life with Baekhyun waiting right in front of him.

“The happiest I’ve ever been.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my huckleberry friend was always such a cute phrase for me. from what i know it means someone who's right for the job, the very special friend that's perfect for you, the one who'll follow you wherever you lead, kinda reminds me of these two idiots :)
> 
> thank you again for reading!
> 
> my twitter - @baekhyn


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